Why can you not get it when you want it so bad?

caimay199
caimay199 Posts: 39 Member
in Motivation and Support
I have a vision. It's of me, in a dance class, with a toned body and flat stomach. Abs, even. Feeling strong and having a ton of energy and not turning red after the 15 minute warm up. But I just turned 30, and I have never even come close to this vision. In fact, the more I try and the harder I fight, it seems that the more obese I become. Four years ago, I was 175lbs. Now I'm 225lbs. And I'm in a dance class almost every day.
Can we ever really become this person?
On the surface, I know the problem. I eat too much. I drink frappuccinos. I like McDonalds. I hate vegetables. And yes, I know the answer. Eat less. Quit frappuccinos. Don't eat junk. Eat healthy food. And I do these things, just not consistently enough to see the scale go all the way down. I get down to 217, and then for reasons I've never really identified, the new habits go out the window and after a few days I'm back up at 225.
Six months from now I'll probably be 235.
Where does it end? Why can't I just. eat. less?
I've decided to get therapy, although whether it will help with this problem, I don't know. All I know is that I'm depressed because of the obesity. I don't see an end to it, and I can't carry on. I feel like I'm in prison in my own body. And the question remains: if it's so bad, why can't I stick with the calorie counting or the low carb or whatever other solution is going to get me into a calorie deficit for long enough to lose 80lbs?
I don't have any answers any more. I'm tired of fighting. I feel like I deserve as much as anybody else to have the body I dream of, yet I just can't do it. It's basically ruined my life, and I'm totally out of options.
Rant over.

Replies

  • queenliz99
    queenliz99 Posts: 15,317 Member
    Therapy is a good idea. Hugs
  • sweetsarahj
    sweetsarahj Posts: 701 Member
    Hi there. I don't have answers for you. But I can say that I have felt the same. I 'get it together' long enough to drop a couple pounds and then i slack off until I've gained more than what I started with. I got down to a size I was thrilled with a few years back (see profile pic) but that was only with being extremely determined - exercising 4+ times per week, eating well 80% of the time for 8 months.

    The best advice is to not let the bumps in the road stop you. If you eat McDonalds it's not the end of the world. Give yourself a break, don't be too hard on yourself or you will be back at McDonald's the next day. Forgive yourself- we are all human. You can also plan a day to eat your treats.

    Focus on eating better and getting exercise. Don't worry about losing weight - that will happen once you consistently exercise and eat better. It takes a long time! You can do it!
  • caimay199
    caimay199 Posts: 39 Member
    Thanks. I think one of the major issues I have is that I just don't know what healthy really is any more. I've done so much nutrition research in the hopes of finding the perfect diet and even when I create a plan that is healthy, I start doubting it and wondering if it's really the right way to eat, then I don't follow it and try to come up with a new plan. My life is just a constant roundabout of planning for my healthy lifestyle tomorrow, and tomorrow never comes. So I think, well while I'm not on my healthy eating plan, I'm going to get McDonalds! But I'm never on my healthy eating plan! So I'm just constantly indulging all these really bad habits, promising to get my *kitten* together but I just never follow through. Sometimes I guess it just seems really overwhelming.
  • queenliz99
    queenliz99 Posts: 15,317 Member
    Start logging everything you eat regardless of calorie intake, do this for a week and see if you can make small changes. No need to do anything drastic.

    read this link

    http://community.myfitnesspal.com/en/discussion/10257474/starting-out-restarting-basics-inside/p1
  • ChxSurf782
    ChxSurf782 Posts: 169 Member
    I'm no therapist, but your relationship with food seems to be quite negative. Instead of viewing it as fuel and a means to achieve this "body of your dreams," it is a stumbling block that you seem to obsess over no matter what the nutritional value. If you can't correlate food with a positive outcome, then you may never be able to properly set about your goals.

    I do think therapy is a good idea. I truly hope it works out for you...you're beautiful and don't give up the fight!
  • sweetsarahj
    sweetsarahj Posts: 701 Member
    It IS overwhelming! There is so much information on the internet about what is healthy and what is not, that people end up really confused and overwhelmed. I got to that point too. My advice is to make small changes, like splenda instead of sugar. Wheat pasta instead of white. Fruit instead of ice cream. A Happy Meal instead of an adult combo! Try to save some calories where you can. Go for a Lite Frappucino. I think you do know what is healthy - just don't over-think it. For example, don't make yourself crazy trying to decide if gluten-free bread is a 'healthy choice'. If you want bread, eat it - just have one slice instead of two. Natural peanut butter instead of super-processed sugary peanut butter. One tablespoon sugar reduced jam instead of two tablespoons regular. You can do it!!!!
  • caimay199
    caimay199 Posts: 39 Member
    Yeah, I have the light fraps for about 150 calories, and beat myself up over it! I can never figure out if I need more structure or more freedom. I sometimes consider forgetting all about trying eat very healthy and say that I'll just eat anything I like but within a calorie allowance. I've always thought that doing that would lead me to eat 1500 calories of pure junk, but my current mental approach clearly isn't working so maybe I need to consider this. Thanks for the link - I'll have a read.
  • loub_81
    loub_81 Posts: 12 Member
    You have to do what's right for you, your body and your body type. You ask 100 different people for advice, you'll probably get 100 different answers. I'm sorry for your struggle. Don't feel hopeless. Take heart that you're trying and your mind is in the right direction. Just need to follow through on the execution. If you believe that your eating choices are tied to some underlying issues, then by all means, go to therapy. I think we could all use a little time "on the couch." But don't wait for therapy to work before you continue on your weight loss journey - therapy can go for years and some people never stop going. My advice is cliche, but true: take one day at a time, don't worry about the long term. Be excited about each victory and forget about each loss. Good luck!
  • caimay199
    caimay199 Posts: 39 Member
    Thanks guys. I feel so much better. I'm going to start logging my calories, making smarter choices where I feel I can, and stop trying to eat perfectly all the time.
  • neldabg
    neldabg Posts: 1,452 Member
    For me, my days of obesity came to an end when I decided that healthy living would become a habit. I understand how you feel; I spent all of my childhood and adolescence wondering if I was doomed to have a lack of discipline and remain unfit for life. At the end of the day, I am the one who stuffed myself silly, but coming from a family with poor knowledge on nutrition and where many are overweight/obese did not make it any easier. Going away to college, away from a highly obesogenic environment was a big help in keeping me committed, and now exercise and portion control are just a part of my life. I'm back home now for the summer, and my lifestyle changes are solidly intact.
    caimay199 wrote: »
    Thanks. I think one of the major issues I have is that I just don't know what healthy really is any more. I've done so much nutrition research in the hopes of finding the perfect diet and even when I create a plan that is healthy, I start doubting it and wondering if it's really the right way to eat, then I don't follow it and try to come up with a new plan. My life is just a constant roundabout of planning for my healthy lifestyle tomorrow, and tomorrow never comes. So I think, well while I'm not on my healthy eating plan, I'm going to get McDonalds! But I'm never on my healthy eating plan! So I'm just constantly indulging all these really bad habits, promising to get my *kitten* together but I just never follow through. Sometimes I guess it just seems really overwhelming.
    Healthy is moderation. Barring medical conditions, no food is unhealthy as long as you don't eat too much of it. I don't really eat out, but my junk food is here to stay. I don't remember which episode it was, but a woman named Leigh Peele said something really awesome in one of her podcasts. It was something like, if eating one treat like poptarts or McDonald's every week keeps a person sane and on track towards their goals, then is that food really unhealthy? Maintenance is for life, so if fast food is something you love, it's a good idea to make it fit your macros and calorie goals. Some people can go cold turkey and quit fast food or limit it right off. Just slowly work your way into eating smaller portions of fast food.
  • _dixiana_
    _dixiana_ Posts: 3,262 Member
    Add more friends on MFP!!! You only have 1 currently and seeing active people in your feed is very motivating. I'll friend you :)
  • brian1g
    brian1g Posts: 8 Member
    I can tell you what worked for me.... Pick two different breakfasts, lunches and dinners with perfect macros and eat those 6 different meals for a week or two. Then gradually add meals to those... Before long you'll have a bunch of meal plans that will be healthy. I also think meal prep helps a ton when your first starting out
  • Wickedfaery73
    Wickedfaery73 Posts: 184 Member
    edited June 2016
    This reminds me of me and what my husband told me one day when I realized I had gained everything I lost back (60lbs) and then some (an extra 30) and was super depressed about it. "You know what to do, you just need to find the motivation to do it again" My motivation this time was my health and the threat of taking medicine. My triglycerides were super high, I was in pain and felt like crap.

    I love fast food and sweets, but I also love fruits, veggies and whole grains. I decided the first time I was NOT going to do anything that sounded like a fad or that I had to pay to do or had to take any stupid pills. I basically tried to follow the food pyramid for the most part ie whole grains, good fats, fruits, veggies, lean meats, low fat dairy. Stay within the calorie range to lose a pound or so a week and do 30m of cardio 5 days a week. I do pretty much the same thing now except I limit the saturated fats and have a protein goal to lessen muscle loss and it keeps me satisfied longer. I try to eat fast food no more than once a week (I dont want it that often anymore really) and even then I'll pick the healthier option and stay in calories for the day. My sweets are in smaller amounts and I try to sub with fruits or yogurts. I also look for ways to cook my favs in a healthier way. If I tried to cut out completely things I love I'd go mad.

    I hope my ramble helps some...
  • TnTWalter
    TnTWalter Posts: 345 Member
    completely understand. log log log and then log. even if it's a bad day...face it...and face the scale. when i hide i gain....trust me...i was off MFP for 5 months and the scale didn't go down. ugh!! back on the wagon. log log log and then log. best of luck. while there's still breath in our bodies, there is still hope!
  • caimay199
    caimay199 Posts: 39 Member
    Hey guys, just wanted to say thanks for all the responses yesterday. I feel a million times better today. I've started logging and one of the things I realised is that a Mcchicken sandwich is 388 calories. I can totally fit that into my calories for the day if I want to. I feel like just knowing that it doesn't have to be off limits makes me more relaxed and I think this whole time I've been striving for perfection when actually it's not even necessary to lose weight.
    One question - I'm not sure what level of activity to set my diary to. I do have a desk job, but I also do cardio for about 90 minutes most days because of dance. even at my desk job I go for regular walks and take the stairs. I'm not sure I want to log my activity and eat back exercise calories, because it seems like a TON of food. My workout today apparently burns 1300 calories!! and I'm actually less hungry on the days I exercise for some reason, so I'd rather spread it out over the week. should I set it to moderately active, and not log my activity separately?
  • kommodevaran
    kommodevaran Posts: 17,890 Member
    That is some ambitious goal. Have you been a dancer with a flat stomach before? If not, maybe aim for a normal weight and an average but healthy body first?

    Losing 80 pounds will take 40-80 weeks. You can't force yourself to do stuff you hate for 80 weeks. No matter how much you want the result. Or if you somehow manage, you'll regain when you "allow" everything again, and you will, if you've felt deprived.

    Stop fighting yourself. You need to design a plan that you can and will stick to consistently. This will include some healthy foods, and something you like.

    Get in a structure that works better for you. Start working on your habits, your environment, your attitude. Plan your meals, buy foods that are consistent with your plan, cook meals you like, bring lunch. Don't undereat. Log accurately and consistently. Losing and maintaining weight takes an effort and dedication, but it's not impossible and it shouldn't make you feel like you're suffering.
  • 2011rocket3touring
    2011rocket3touring Posts: 1,346 Member
    Baby steps.
    Lots of good advice so far. The only thing I can really add is tweak your social circle. Try to have a few friends that are really into fitness. I had been trying for 4+ months with zero success, and found my "fitness friends " give me quiet inspiration and that encouraged me to take the last step; calorie counting and I've finally am gaining traction. Down 15lbs so far.
    I've had bad days, one day I was over by 1500 calories (pizza); yes I logged that day too, I just told myself that I'd do better tomorrow... And I did.
  • caimay199
    caimay199 Posts: 39 Member
    kommodevaran wrote: »
    That is some ambitious goal. Have you been a dancer with a flat stomach before? If not, maybe aim for a normal weight and an average but healthy body first?

    Losing 80 pounds will take 40-80 weeks. You can't force yourself to do stuff you hate for 80 weeks. No matter how much you want the result. Or if you somehow manage, you'll regain when you "allow" everything again, and you will, if you've felt deprived.

    Stop fighting yourself. You need to design a plan that you can and will stick to consistently. This will include some healthy foods, and something you like.

    Get in a structure that works better for you. Start working on your habits, your environment, your attitude. Plan your meals, buy foods that are consistent with your plan, cook meals you like, bring lunch. Don't undereat. Log accurately and consistently. Losing and maintaining weight takes an effort and dedication, but it's not impossible and it shouldn't make you feel like you're suffering.

    No, I haven't. I haven't even been a healthy weight as an adult, and I understand it's a lofty goal but I can't pretend it's not my goal - though, I completely understand there are milestones I need to reach before then. I'm feeling really positive today and I think I've identified the problem, that I really need to keep sight of the big picture which is calories in/calories out will determine whether I lose weight. I've been sweating the small stuff.
  • Ant488
    Ant488 Posts: 372 Member
    Congrats on getting through this tough period. Today is a new day.
  • jessiferrrb
    jessiferrrb Posts: 1,758 Member
    msf74 wrote: »
    Don't let perfect be the enemy of good.

    i love this ^^^^^^^

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