poor body image (jealous over smaller/petite/more delicate women), hard to keep motivated

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Replies

  • Francl27
    Francl27 Posts: 26,371 Member
    I hear you OP. I have the wide shoulders/large waist/large hips thing. 5'5", 39(?)/30/35, my shoulders are 37 inches or something, and not much fat left on my waist... so with such a frame and my body shape it's impossible to miss the fact that I still have a bit of fat on my hips - it's the first thing you see! I seriously envy pear shaped women sometimes, although I do like my boobs (I'm 34 D). We're all about thin limbs and stocky middle in my family. Sigh.

    Losing weight was still worth it though, obviously (I lost 80 pounds, gained 4 back but lost inches, so whatever)... I look much better, even if I'll never look as good as I'd like.
  • PrincessTinyheart
    PrincessTinyheart Posts: 679 Member
    dianahardy97 wrote: »
    Im the same way. I use to change my hair all the time and now im at a point where, It doesnt matter what color my hair is. Im a fat girl. Maybe if I were thinner.....so here I am.

    I'm sorry you feel that way. I really am. Since you are here on MFP, maybe you are working on a healthier lifestyle that will provide some positive changes in your health and appearance? There is hope for you... it takes diligence and work but you can do it.

    I struggle with it every day, and some days are better than others, but I still work at it. But's it's definitely difficult to keep the right mindset.
  • randomtai
    randomtai Posts: 9,003 Member
    PrincessTinyheart wrote: »
    WickedPineapple wrote: »
    PrincessTinyheart wrote: »
    (I could go on and on about the negative crap disguised as "realistic helpful advice" from my family, but I won't... it's mostly just hearing things like "little petite girls will always have the advantage so just learn to accept it"... yeah, mental poison to be sure, but it sticks with you)

    I'm really curious... what advantages to being petite are they talking about? Getting hit in the face by elbows or run into because people just don't see you? Having to jump onto counters to get things out of cabinets? Top shelves being a complete mystery (I mean, who knows what's up there)? Having to jump to get into a work truck (and having to kind of slide to get back out)? People singing you the Lollipop Guild song and/or calling you a munchkin? Don't get me wrong, I like being short. I'm adorable. But I'll never be "hot" with legs that go on for miles. These days I'm mostly concerned about having to shop in the kids section...

    Self-esteem is more internal than external in my opinion. Work on your outside of course, but work on your inside view of yourself too. Be kind to yourself and avoid these kinds of conversations with your family.

    PS - "Little petite girls"? It sounds like they don't have much respect for petite women anyway.

    I should have clarified a bit... they were referring to dating and relationships. I think that there was/is always an assumption in their mind that petite = more attractive and appealing to men.

    No, they are not.
  • jgnatca
    jgnatca Posts: 14,464 Member
    I went to school with kids who were jealous of my intelligence. What was I supposed to do? Dumb down?

    Some way, some how you need to come to terms with the beauty that is you that you cannot change.
  • mathiseasy
    mathiseasy Posts: 165 Member
    PrincessTinyheart wrote: »
    I wish I had the desire to lift weights... I really do... but I want to do stuff that little delicate girls do... I wanted to be a cheerleader in school but never even tried out because I would have been the biggest girl there and that thought terrified me. I wasn't thin enough to be a model :/

    I really start to wonder if the idea of past lives isn't such an outlandish concept, what with so many people wanting to be in different bodies than they have. I always thought it would be fun to be smaller because there are so many more fashion options for small women... they can wear anything and get away with it. Men long to cuddle and protect and cherish them.

    Ohhh noooo, men long to cuddle and protect and cherish the women they LOVE. It has nothing to do with how big they are, or else DH would have decided I was too fat to love and left me already. He has not.
    The more I read, the more I really think you should seek a therapist. Do you truly believe one's relationship with a significant other is dependent on body type/size? To me, that is a sign of unhealthy thinking.

    And...you don't have to be thin to be a model ;) In my years of life on this earth and all the people I've met, I've met one girl and no guys who modeled, and she hated it.
  • kshama2001
    kshama2001 Posts: 28,052 Member
    @PrincessTinyheart I'm not as tall as you, but I do have a large frame. I used to hate my big feet when I was a kid, and then discovered yoga and noticed balancing poses were easier for me than for many other people. I'm also drawn to styles of yoga that take more upper arm strength.

    I wasn't crazy about lifting weights when I did high reps with low weights because that's what I was told women were supposed to do. Now that I am doing lower reps with much heavier weights it's a totally different experience. Checkout The New Rules of Lifting for Women: Lift Like a Man, Look Like a Goddess which was available through my library system, so perhaps yours as well.

    Here's a DVD that can help with the negative self talk, also available in my library system: You Can Heal Your Life, the movie, expanded version

  • stealthq
    stealthq Posts: 4,298 Member
    WinoGelato wrote: »
    PrincessTinyheart wrote: »
    I wish I had the desire to lift weights... I really do... but I want to do stuff that little delicate girls do... I wanted to be a cheerleader in school but never even tried out because I would have been the biggest girl there and that thought terrified me. I wasn't thin enough to be a model :/

    I really start to wonder if the idea of past lives isn't such an outlandish concept, what with so many people wanting to be in different bodies than they have. I always thought it would be fun to be smaller because there are so many more fashion options for small women... they can wear anything and get away with it. Men long to cuddle and protect and cherish them.

    I fit all your physical stereo types. I am 5'2, was a cheerleader in high school and college. I cringe at all the comments you are making about how delicate we are, how we can bat our eyes at men to get them to do something for us, focusing on fashion options, implying that we should feel fortunate to have men wanting to cuddle and protect and cherish us...

    I would much rather be acknowledged for so many other characteristics besides what you are describing - my intellect, my sarcasm, my work ethic, my commitment to becoming stronger, to improving my health and fitness, etc. I'm actually kind of offended that you seem to think the best thing I have going for me is my diminutive size and that I can pull off a miniskirt.

    I used to coach cheerleading too, and I would rather have a dozen strong, athletic, muscular, tall young women than a bunch of tiny waifs. Fortunately I was able to find a variety of body types in the girls I coached in order to achieve the most competitive team I could put together. It's a shame you've let your body type, your self esteem, and the comments from your family hold you back from doing things you wanted to do in life.

    I'm glad you feel supported by the encouragement you are getting in this thread, but I also encourage you to reconsider how you view women of all sizes and that those of us who are petite are more than a body frame able to wear cute clothes and a helpless creature that needs a tall man to save us...

    +1

    You said that better and more tactfully than I could have.
  • lorrpb
    lorrpb Posts: 11,463 Member
    What would make it "worth it" to you? Not sure how much you want to lose. If your only goal is to look smaller than someone a foot shorter than you, then no, don't even try. If you want/need to be healthy, energetic, address medical issues, etc, then of course it's worth it.
  • BettyDares
    BettyDares Posts: 1,498 Member
    WinoGelato wrote: »
    PrincessTinyheart wrote: »
    I wish I had the desire to lift weights... I really do... but I want to do stuff that little delicate girls do... I wanted to be a cheerleader in school but never even tried out because I would have been the biggest girl there and that thought terrified me. I wasn't thin enough to be a model :/

    I really start to wonder if the idea of past lives isn't such an outlandish concept, what with so many people wanting to be in different bodies than they have. I always thought it would be fun to be smaller because there are so many more fashion options for small women... they can wear anything and get away with it. Men long to cuddle and protect and cherish them.

    I fit all your physical stereo types. I am 5'2, was a cheerleader in high school and college. I cringe at all the comments you are making about how delicate we are, how we can bat our eyes at men to get them to do something for us, focusing on fashion options, implying that we should feel fortunate to have men wanting to cuddle and protect and cherish us...

    I would much rather be acknowledged for so many other characteristics besides what you are describing - my intellect, my sarcasm, my work ethic, my commitment to becoming stronger, to improving my health and fitness, etc. I'm actually kind of offended that you seem to think the best thing I have going for me is my diminutive size and that I can pull off a miniskirt.

    I used to coach cheerleading too, and I would rather have a dozen strong, athletic, muscular, tall young women than a bunch of tiny waifs. Fortunately I was able to find a variety of body types in the girls I coached in order to achieve the most competitive team I could put together. It's a shame you've let your body type, your self esteem, and the comments from your family hold you back from doing things you wanted to do in life.

    I'm glad you feel supported by the encouragement you are getting in this thread, but I also encourage you to reconsider how you view women of all sizes and that those of us who are petite are more than a body frame able to wear cute clothes and a helpless creature that needs a tall man to save us...

    PREACH!
  • PrincessTinyheart
    PrincessTinyheart Posts: 679 Member
    azulvioleta6 wrote: »
    So, basically, you are upset because you cannot be a model or beauty queen who is waited on hand and foot?

    You already HAVE a husband. Why do you care what other men think about you?

    The problem is not with your body--it is in your head.

    I have no idea where you ever got this idea. I never, at any point, said I wanted to be waited on hand or foot, or that I wanted to be a beauty queen. As for the model thing, I only pointed that out because everyone says "models are tall!" but they are also very thin... there is a lot more to being a model than just being tall.

    I work full-time. Nobody waits on me hand and foot, nor have I ever expected them to.

  • Qskim
    Qskim Posts: 1,145 Member
    edited June 2016
    Short, tall whatever. I want people around myself (and DD's) that own it.

    ETA: time to be a bad *kitten* OP.
  • PrincessTinyheart
    PrincessTinyheart Posts: 679 Member
    WinoGelato wrote: »
    I fit all your physical stereo types. I am 5'2, was a cheerleader in high school and college. I cringe at all the comments you are making about how delicate we are, how we can bat our eyes at men to get them to do something for us, focusing on fashion options, implying that we should feel fortunate to have men wanting to cuddle and protect and cherish us...

    I would much rather be acknowledged for so many other characteristics besides what you are describing - my intellect, my sarcasm, my work ethic, my commitment to becoming stronger, to improving my health and fitness, etc. I'm actually kind of offended that you seem to think the best thing I have going for me is my diminutive size and that I can pull off a miniskirt.

    I apologize if it came off that way. That was not my intention at all. I was just explaining why I envy women of your particular body type. I never said it was a healthy, balanced, respectful way of looking at things... I know it's messed up. that's why I'm here... I'm trying to get this sorted in my head once and for all.

  • gothchiq
    gothchiq Posts: 4,590 Member
    I am 47 and totally understand. The way I work around this is to come at it from a standpoint of improving health and becoming strong, more so than attempting to look perfect, because I never will. But I will be healthier and stronger, and the quality of life improvements are definitely worth the work.
  • PrincessTinyheart
    PrincessTinyheart Posts: 679 Member
    robininfl wrote: »
    PrincessTinyheart wrote: »
    I wish I had the desire to lift weights... I really do... but I want to do stuff that little delicate girls do... I wanted to be a cheerleader in school but never even tried out because I would have been the biggest girl there and that thought terrified me. I wasn't thin enough to be a model :/

    I really start to wonder if the idea of past lives isn't such an outlandish concept, what with so many people wanting to be in different bodies than they have. I always thought it would be fun to be smaller because there are so many more fashion options for small women... they can wear anything and get away with it. Men long to cuddle and protect and cherish them.

    So you think you have to change YOU? This just doesn't compute to me. My guy wants me strong. Any guy who needs you to be weak in order to feel strong, is not a strong man. I am not interested in guys who need ladies to be small and weak, and those guys are not interested in me, which is a good thing in my opinion. I won't go into details here, but will say that being a strong lady does not keep guys from wanting to protect, cherish, cuddle, and whatever else you are wanting.

    You want to attract men who want small, weak women? Also you are conflating small and weak - those aren't synonyms in any case. There are tiny tough ladies and big softies, all sorts of variations.

    I feel sorry for your daughters, if you are planning on passing on this crap.

    I never said that small = weak. I said that, generally, small = delicate build. A woman can have a delicate build (as in, small bone structure) and still be strong.

    I simply said that the ability to lift impressive amounts of weight doesn't really resonate with me personally as a positive trait. Liftng weights and being strong obviously makes other women of all sizes feel fantastic about themselves, and that's wonderful. I'm glad they have that in their lives. It's just not MY thing... I'm working on discovering what IS my thing. I'm fine with being strong and exercising, but it's not MY personal mascot or MY goal.

  • PrincessTinyheart
    PrincessTinyheart Posts: 679 Member
    gothchiq wrote: »
    I am 47 and totally understand. The way I work around this is to come at it from a standpoint of improving health and becoming strong, more so than attempting to look perfect, because I never will. But I will be healthier and stronger, and the quality of life improvements are definitely worth the work.

    :)

  • fjrandol
    fjrandol Posts: 437 Member
    Lifting heavy in and of itself never particularly appealed to me, until I realized just how dramatically it improved my performance in all other aspects of life. ;) As a fellow tall gal (I'm also 5'11") I totally understand wanting to be on the shorter side of the spectrum, but you need to learn to love yourself regardless of your size and shape. https://projecthappiness.com/
  • Asher_Ethan
    Asher_Ethan Posts: 2,430 Member
    5'9" here and I have a huge bone structure. I was a dancer my whole life and was anyways told my bone structure didn't fit in with ballet. I always wished for a smaller bone structure when i was younger.
    Now that I'm older, I don't mind my freakish big bones. Finding a bra that fits sucks, but it's fun to see people's reactions when I tell them I wear size 11 in pants.
  • jgnatca
    jgnatca Posts: 14,464 Member
    Have you read the "In Death" series by J. D. Robb?

    https://www.goodreads.com/series/41029-in-death

    I'm by no means delicate, but I am short....at least by modern standards. When I was born, 5' 4" was normal. My last boss, whom I adore, is more on the tall, athletic side. She also reminds me of the protagonist in the J. D. Robb series listed above. Logical, brusque, and completely no-nonsense. It took her a few years to find a simple hairstyle that would keep her from being called "sir". I used to joke that my boss and I were like Eve Dallas and her sidekick, Peabody. Peabody is a little more girly, a little silly sometimes. But she also in her own way means business. Together, Dallas and Peabody kick *kitten*. My old boss was bemused by my comparison, as she had not read the series...being too absorbed in her sport of choice. But it makes me happy thinking about it.

    There's no sense Peabody wishing she was tall and fearless like her partner, and Dallas won't brook any nonsense about wishing to be somebody she's not.
  • Lounmoun
    Lounmoun Posts: 8,423 Member
    edited June 2016
    I'm 5'4". I was always the shortest in my family. I really hated being around tall people when I was younger. I wanted to be a lot taller then. I remember people hiding or putting things out of my reach. I remember not being able to see in the bathroom mirror for a long time, not being able to reach the light pull, having to sit in the middle or on someone's lap in a car because I was smaller, people assuming I was weak, feeling like I couldn't wear long dresses or skirts, not being able to see a movie screen if someone sat in front of me, having to climb ladders to get stuff, pants are always too long, no one has ever asked if I played a sport, etc.
    The grass is always greener. If you focus on the negatives that is what you will see. I am the height and frame size that I am. It is the way it is. I'll always need a ladder in my kitchen and I almost never ask for help from anyone. I'm just right for me. You are right for you. It is great that we come in all shapes and sizes.
    Focus on your positives.
  • Qskim
    Qskim Posts: 1,145 Member
    _SKIM_ wrote: »
    Short, tall whatever. I want people around myself (and DD's) that own it.

    ETA: time to be a bad *kitten* OP.

    I agree this was lame...

    Comparing yourself to others can suck your energy. I have a friend who feels similar. What I've observed is that she'll temporarily solve one negative thought but then another would roll on. Everyone has a better body, a better marriage, better behaved kids, and so on.

    Therapy really helped. She learnt about positive affirmation - post it notes everywhere! How to shuffle her thoughts so that they initiated positive action rather than some sort of confused limbo. How negative thought affected her physically...weighed her down. It was a shame that she could only access the therapy for a short time. Perhaps people on here have good reading resources that they could recommend to you and you could find some sort of support group nearby?
  • angerelle
    angerelle Posts: 175 Member
    SueSueDio wrote: »
    You listed this lady on your profile as one of your inspirations, and she's certainly not petite and delicate - I always loved her and wanted to be like her, so go for it! (She is always the figure that comes to mind when I hear the word "Amazon".) I bet you could rock an outfit like this one day soon! :)



    8isdjwzzsq7n.jpg

    If I had to choose between being Xena, Gabrielle or Callisto shaped, Xena would win every time.
  • wi_maint_man
    wi_maint_man Posts: 99 Member
    I understand where you are coming from, but body types are body types ! Just work on being a healthy happy you !
  • pvju
    pvju Posts: 115 Member
    We live in a culture that tells us women should be waifs - I'm not tall but I have broad shoulders, a big chest and hips. I catch myself in the mirror sometimes and I feel like a linebacker ;) I'm always drawn to these fashions that don't work on me - I could go on.

    I'm also older and I went through a phase of thinking the same - why bother - I'll still be old, I'll still be invisible, I'll still have the same shape just scaled down.

    Since losing weight though I feel more attractive and less lumbering - it's all about the waist - and I've found now that I have one again and I dress for it - I look good and I get a lot of positive attention from the opposite sex as well.

    And I feel stronger, leaner, more confident. I will never be a waif but I am feeling close to being the best version of me and it feels pretty great!
  • lithezebra
    lithezebra Posts: 3,670 Member
    Family members often say the worst things. Clothes hang better on tall bodies, and tall women get cuddled, protected, and cherished too. Also, you're beautiful.
  • heatherheyns
    heatherheyns Posts: 144 Member
    The grass is always greener, hun. That's the way people are, we always want what we can't have. I am just over 5 foot, and I am no waif! I can't bat my eyelids and have men fall over themselves to help me. I can't wear just anything, since all my pants have to be hemmed or they drag on the ground and I destroy them. Capri's are a joke, they're basically leggings on me. Everyone likes to use my head as an arm or drink rest. My short height makes people assume I'm younger and less intelligent than I am, so I am often treated as incompetent or at least incapable of doing much without help.

    Short girls watch the models who are all tall, and we wish we were taller. I wish I could look elegant and classy with legs for day, but that just isn't in my build. I wish I could kiss my husband (who is tall) without a step-stool, haha. We have to accept that we are the way we are, and while we can work with a lot of it, some of it won't change. People aren't happier because they're taller or shorter, they just have to learn to embrace what they have.
  • victoria_1024
    victoria_1024 Posts: 915 Member
    Most of us women seem to have horrible self esteem unfortunately. I've struggled forever with it mostly because of my weight. I'm short and have always been either chubby or obese. I have to say losing the weight has helped significantly but even more so the fitness part! I feel so strong and my body can do awesome things. The worst part of being short is having to eat so few calories to maintain!!

    I try to be so careful how I talk about weight and body image around my 5 year old daughter. I'm short but she is definitely taking after her dad who is 7 feet tall. She's predicted to be at least 5'10". I worry about her because she's a sensitive soul like I was and girls can be so terrible when you stand out.
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