How many friends is too many?
TheHappyLoser
Posts: 95 Member
First, I was thrilled when I saw that I have 100+ friends. "People must believe in me," I thought because it was the only explanation I could come up with.
Every day there comes another request or two and I wonder how they find me and why they chose me? Most people don't even introduce themselves or explain, why they think we would be a good team. Only a handful showed some "manners" and they took the time to send the request with a message.
100+ friends -but only an interaction with about 15...what do I do with the rest?
Is collecting friends a hobby here? I am asking that because I just don't see the sense in having a "friend" who sits there quietly and never talks to me -or about me.
100+ friends -there is just no way I can keep up with all of them. I want to be a good friend, not one of them that sits there quietly. I want to have time for all of them to cheer them on and to kick them in the rear -if needed.
So what do I do? Delete the ones who don't seem to care without notifying them?
I don't mean to offend anybody and I don't mean this post as critique. It's just a simple question.
Every day there comes another request or two and I wonder how they find me and why they chose me? Most people don't even introduce themselves or explain, why they think we would be a good team. Only a handful showed some "manners" and they took the time to send the request with a message.
100+ friends -but only an interaction with about 15...what do I do with the rest?
Is collecting friends a hobby here? I am asking that because I just don't see the sense in having a "friend" who sits there quietly and never talks to me -or about me.
100+ friends -there is just no way I can keep up with all of them. I want to be a good friend, not one of them that sits there quietly. I want to have time for all of them to cheer them on and to kick them in the rear -if needed.
So what do I do? Delete the ones who don't seem to care without notifying them?
I don't mean to offend anybody and I don't mean this post as critique. It's just a simple question.
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Replies
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Good question. I keep my list to under 50 friends. And - on my profile, I've asked that a note be sent with a Friend Request. I like to interact with all of my friends - and realistically, I can't do that with more than 50 people. There are a LOT of Friend Collectors on MFP - just as on Facebook - some people feel that 'more is better'. I think More is just More. I only accept people I have a common bond with, and that interact with me.7
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You could just let them die thru attrition and not except anymore unless the give a nice note to accept.1
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These are people on the site, not that you've met in person? If you've had no interaction with them, there should be no problem in removing them. If you only want to keep a few people as friends that you find are truly mutually supportive keep them. There is no obligation to add friends or anything else on this site.
There is no need to tell them you are removing them. If there is no interaction, then it should not be a big deal. When you get down to it, they are strangers that you've got nothing invested in other than accepting a friend request.1 -
sparklyglitterbomb wrote: »These are people on the site, not that you've met in person? If you've had no interaction with them, there should be no problem in removing them. If you only want to keep a few people as friends that you find are truly mutually supportive keep them. There is no obligation to add friends or anything else on this site.
You seem to be putting a great deal of importance on the feelings of strangers.
We all are in the same boat here. We are here to lose weight, to be healthy, to change our life. Everybody here is important and I don't want to hurt people's feeling. Also, I am new here and still try to find my way around and find out how everything works.
Yes, I do care about strangers here -why wouldn't I?2 -
Good question. I keep my list to under 50 friends. And - on my profile, I've asked that a note be sent with a Friend Request. I like to interact with all of my friends - and realistically, I can't do that with more than 50 people. There are a LOT of Friend Collectors on MFP - just as on Facebook - some people feel that 'more is better'. I think More is just More. I only accept people I have a common bond with, and that interact with me.
^^This. And I clean out my Friends list occassionally, if there are people that never comment or haven't logged in in months.3 -
Good question. I keep my list to under 50 friends. And - on my profile, I've asked that a note be sent with a Friend Request. I like to interact with all of my friends - and realistically, I can't do that with more than 50 people. There are a LOT of Friend Collectors on MFP - just as on Facebook - some people feel that 'more is better'. I think More is just More. I only accept people I have a common bond with, and that interact with me.
The word "friend collectors" makes so much sense. (Don't know how it works on Facebook)
I want to interact with my MFP friends, so I think the number 50 (+/-) sounds reasonable. Asking for a note with every friend request is a good idea. I would like to copy that. THank you0 -
I edited my original post because I'm trying to be less abrupt in my wording - another personal goal of mine
Out of curiosity, why? You are on your own journey. Sure, I have some people on here I like, but if there is someone I've never met and have no interaction with I don't have any qualms about not being their "friend".
Since we have no relationship, they are not friends, just faceless people I might have a passing comment with or saw me on a thread. I'm not really here to collect "friends" as I have them in real life. Does it hurt my feelings if someone I've never met removes me as a friend? nope.. chances are I won't even notice.
I'm supportive as I can be to those I interact with or have communicated with, but other than that, if someone gets bent out of shape for my not accepting a friend request or removing them, that's not really my problem.
When it comes down to it, my lifestyle change is up to ME, no one else. I can't rely on others to get me to where I want to be, that's all within me.4 -
sparklyglitterbomb wrote: »I edited my original post because I'm trying to be less abrupt in my wording - another personal goal of mine
Out of curiosity, why? You are on your own journey. Sure, I have some people on here I like, but if there is someone I've never met and have no interaction with I don't have any qualms about not being their "friend".
Since we have no relationship, they are not friends, just faceless people I might have a passing comment with or saw me on a thread. I'm not really here to collect "friends" as I have them in real life. Does it hurt my feelings if someone I've never met removes me as a friend? nope.. chances are I won't even notice.
I'm supportive as I can be to those I interact with or have communicated with, but other than that, if someone gets bent out of shape for my not accepting a friend request or removing them, that's not really my problem.
When it comes down to it, my lifestyle change is up to ME, no one else. I can't rely on others to get me to where I want to be, that's all within me.
For the same reason, I have friends in real life. I like people and I think everything is easier when you are not alone. Of course, it's up to me nobody else will do the work for me, but it's just nicer in a group with people who think alike.1 -
When I first started MFP back in 2012 I had about 150 friends. I would send out a friend request to people who asked for friends or people I felt I may be able to motivate if they expressed any type of struggle or hopelessness. "Strength in numbers" I felt. I closed my account after I lost the weight I wanted. I reopened a new account in 2013 when I gained some weight back. I did not add any friends until recently and I am up to 18 now. I didn't add because some MFP 'friends' do make a game out it, JUST A FEW. I noticed this especially with some younger men, the fitter, the more I noticed this. Kind of felt like a dating app. They would actually do weekly deletes and even would congratulate you if you made 'the cut' that week. I said I didn't feel going though that again, I am too old LOL . But can I say that, honestly, I see a difference in my day to day logging when I do have 'serious quality friends'. I feel ashamed watching others workout or meet their daily calorie goals if I don't. Having them inspires me even if we never actually communicate.2
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There's a lot of people here with a blurb on their profile page that says a message must be included with a friend request. If someone can't take the time to read your profile before they add you, I personally don't think you can count on them to be a friend in further interactions. So that would be something good for you to add.
That said, I read your OP when you joined, and there will be a lot of people who find you inspiring or connect to your story. They may not want to interact much, but they want to follow you on your journey. There are also those who find your story and add you when they join, but they disappear after a week and never log in again.
One way the Internet is like real life: you have every right to establish expectations and boundaries with your friendships. If you want a small FL of active people, cultivate that. If you want to be inviting to anyone even though they may not give as much as you, that's your choice. How much you consider these people "friends" is up to you as well.2 -
I prefer to keep my friend's list low. Same thing with FB. I also have written on my page that I only accept friend requests with a note, though I seem to be getting more and more recently with no note. If that happens sometimes I'll send them a message explaining why I won't just automatically accept their request and give them a chance to introduce themselves and their goals. If they have more than 75 friend's themselves and no note, then I just delete the request outright and don't give them another thought. Once a month or so I'll go through my friend's list and delete anyone who hasn't been on in a month or more or anyone that hasn't posted/interacted in that time frame. I like a tighter knit group and a lot of my "friend's" have shared "friend's"!4
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I would cut your friend list down to the 15 people you interact with and decline future requests that don't meet your standards-like a note or common goals in their profile. You don't have to explain or give notice about deleting someone. If they have 100+ friends they will not notice or care. If they have just 10 friends maybe shoot them a message to see how they are doing first if you like.
I decided in the beginning to not accept every friend request that came my way. I look at their profile. I look to see if they have posted anything on the boards. Do we have common stats or goals? Do they have 100+ friends already? Do I have a lot of friends already? I go through my friend list and delete friends who have been inactive for 3 months. This means they have not logged in to the site or app for 3 months at all.
I have 38 friends right now. I am not interested in collecting friends. I never really look at what my friends are doing or post on my wall these days so I am not a good friend in that regard. I have logged food every day for over 600 days and I'm still plugging away at my weight loss though.3 -
I find my list of friends tends to edit itself as they drop the ball and quit trying. One has returned after an absence. Just one.2
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People can manage their friends list in any way that works for them--that is the beauty of it.
Lots of people do a search and add people with common interests or experiences. For instance, I talk in my profile about having had a brain aneurysm, so lots of people with brain issues seek me out.
There is nothing wrong with "collecting friends" or with keeping your list small. Personally, I will add anybody who has their profile filled out (friend *kitten*?) but I periodically delete those who have stopped being active unless I have a very strong connection with that person or I know him/her in real life.
Why do you care about how others manage their friends? You do you.1 -
azulvioleta6 wrote: »People can manage their friends list in any way that works for them--that is the beauty of it.
Lots of people do a search and add people with common interests or experiences. For instance, I talk in my profile about having had a brain aneurysm, so lots of people with brain issues seek me out.
There is nothing wrong with "collecting friends" or with keeping your list small. Personally, I will add anybody who has their profile filled out (friend *kitten*?) but I periodically delete those who have stopped being active unless I have a very strong connection with that person or I know him/her in real life.
Why do you care about how others manage their friends? You do you.
I don't care how others manage their "friends." I was just wondering about how others keep track. I am older (52) and the word "friend" might have a different meaning to me because I was born and raised before the social media frenzy begun. Until today I was unaware that some people collect friends by the numbers, what explains a lot.0 -
Personally I find the 60 I have hard to keep up with and most days I don't even try to any more - it's very time demanding.....
I would love to reduce my list to 20 but I'm too soft and don't want to hurt anyone's feelings.
If someone just randomly FRs me without a wee message I don't accept.1 -
I don't "collect friends by the numbers". When I see a post that moves me, I send a friend request or tell the person they are welcome to add me. I get a lot of requests from the forums based on my posts. Unless it is some random guy who starts talking about kickboxing (dozens if not hundreds of ladies around here know what I speak of), I accept the request. I wound up with a lot of friends without any goal, and I never posted in the forums asking for friends. I try to go through my feed every day and encourage with a few words, likes, et cetera. Some I interact with more, some less. Those things flow naturally. I enjoy reading everyone's posts and cheering their victories.
What you do is your business. What you want is your business. How you view your support network on MFP is your business, but imposing that definition onto others might not be fair. Unless someone is specifically trying to drive traffic to their social media sites,blogs or products, you can't possibly know what their motives are or how they wound up with so many friends. I find my MFP friends are wonderful and brighten my day.1 -
I keep it small and keep the active ones. Inactive ones get politely purged. I would rather have 5 great friends than 100 strangers on my friends list.
As a guideline - I don't normally accept FRs from someone with over 100 friends unless there is a compelling reason, or a personal message as to why the FR.1 -
I don't think there is any one answer to this. I will send a friend request if there is something that I feel I might benefit from this person. I will pretty much accept any request I get because the way I look at it there was probably something that caught there attention, or at least I would hope so.
It would be nice if the person asking me would let me know where they saw my post or why they thought I was a good match, but that doesn't always happen. As I said, if there is something that I do that will help others then that is fine, whether I know what that help is or not.
I generally will only remove friends if they stop logging for a long period of time. Only once I have removed friends because of what they were posting because it became too much for me.1 -
Most of my friends on here are my friends on fitbit too. We challenge each other daily on fitbit so we have some interactions but not a lot. So if anyone on here has a fitbit and would like to be friends hmu.
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I don't think anyone can have "too many" friends. Every one of them brings something else to our lives. That said, I only really interact with maybe 10 on my list on a regular basis. Once every couple of months I do a purge; if someone hasn't logged on in over 15 days, or if they don't have at least an avatar or picture I'll usually delete those.0
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First of all, yes friend collecting is a thing. On facebook there were strange contests to see who could collect the largest number of friends. The last one of those I heard about was probably about 5 or 6 years ago, and a friend of mine was in on it and collected several thousand friends ... and then just recently she started going through and deleting a whole bunch of them because she suddenly realised she had collected some really odd people who weren't very nice at all, and she was getting caught up in their drama.
In my limited circle of friends on facebook, no one seems to be involved in contests like that anymore ... maybe the popularity of collecting a whole bunch of random people is wearing off.mskessler89 wrote: »There's a lot of people here with a blurb on their profile page that says a message must be included with a friend request. If someone can't take the time to read your profile before they add you, I personally don't think you can count on them to be a friend in further interactions. So that would be something good for you to add.
I have that message on mine ... unfortunately so few of the friend requests I get each week actually take the time to read it and provide a message. I don't know if that's unfortunately for me, or for them. But they sit in my waiting to be accepted list for several months and eventually get deleted.
I've also added that I'm happily married. Thankfully, since I've done that, the number of male "friend collectors" has dropped right off.Tweaking_Time wrote: »I keep it small and keep the active ones. Inactive ones get politely purged. I would rather have 5 great friends than 100 strangers on my friends list.
As a guideline - I don't normally accept FRs from someone with over 100 friends unless there is a compelling reason, or a personal message as to why the FR.
Yes ... if a person hasn't logged in or posted in 6 months = delete. And I think I've deleted a few earlier than that if they're the type that comes on for a few weeks, then vanishes for 3 or 4 months, then on again for a few weeks, etc. I've got one or two others which may go soon too because their diet ideas are quite different from mine ... fad diets ... and a couple times I've found myself chewing my fingers off to keep from typing something I might regret.
I also tend not to accept friend requests from those who have a lot of friends either ... and the type of friends they have might sway my decision as well. For example, I'm a very active, hard working middle-aged woman ... I'm kind of past the partying phase.
And if a person hasn't filled in their profile, it is unlikely I'll accept the request. If you're not going to tell me who you are, why should I include you in my circle of friends?
Now personally, I don't mind if friends don't interact with me. I understand that people are busy and can't spend half their day going through the newsfeed clicking "Like" or making comments. And I certainly don't keep track of who does and who doesn't. However, it is nice when some do. 1 -
I don't interact with all my friends all the time, but I do read through their posts at the end of the day. I may not comment, because I am about to go to bed, but often times something they have said sparks something in me, or tells me that yes, I can fight another day. Maybe some see my updates and get some motivation. I don't know. I don't expect to be close friends with anyone I don't meet in person, so I treat it as what it is - a community where I hope I can learn, and hopefully motivate some others along the way.1
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MyReflections wrote: »MissusMoon wrote: »I don't "collect friends by the numbers". When I see a post that moves me, I send a friend request or tell the person they are welcome to add me. I get a lot of requests from the forums based on my posts. Unless it is some random guy who starts talking about kickboxing (dozens if not hundreds of ladies around here know what I speak of), I accept the request. I wound up with a lot of friends without any goal, and I never posted in the forums asking for friends. I try to go through my feed every day and encourage with a few words, likes, et cetera. Some I interact with more, some less. Those things flow naturally. I enjoy reading everyone's posts and cheering their victories.
What you do is your business. What you want is your business. How you view your support network on MFP is your business, but imposing that definition onto others might not be fair. Unless someone is specifically trying to drive traffic to their social media sites,blogs or products, you can't possibly know what their motives are or how they wound up with so many friends. I find my MFP friends are wonderful and brighten my day.
Very interesting response to my post, mainly because -as I told you- you were one of the friends that I deleted today. You haven't commented, cheered or interacted with me at all. Not a "like" not a comment. Not when I lost weight, not when I shared a new recipe or just updated my status. NOTHING!!!
So if I may say so...you answer it total Belloni, especially since I just asked a simple question. You might want to look the meaning of "imposing" up.
??????
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I'm a terrible friend supporter. Recently I felt guilty that I offer no support so I defriended all my friends. Im slowly working my way back in the right way this time...0
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I will also add this ...
The forum here works really well ... it's quick and easy.
However, my newsfeed on my home computer or my work computer is painfully slow. I click "Like" and minutes later it indicates that I like someone's comment. Meanwhile it has hung up my whole computer so I can't do anything else while I'm waiting.
I go to type something and I've got to type like: G .............. r ............ e .................. a ............... t .................. ...................... j .................. o ................. b ................. ! with all those dots between letters representing me sitting there waiting for the character I've just typed to appear on the screen.
I have discovered that my smartphone works better, I can go through and "Like" things quite quickly, but I still find commenting really awkward.
So there are times I'd like to comment or "Like", but just can't be bothered going through all that.
I presume others experience the same thing.0 -
You are here to get support and to support others. If your friend list is too long for your taste and you think there are more people on it that you can handle delete the ones that are not useful (sorry for the hard word) for you. It is hard enough as it is, you don't need to burden yourself with people that don't help your progress. Many people just add friends without thinking so no need to feel guilty about it.0
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I houseclean my friends list on a regular basis. People who do not interact with me after a month or two are deleted. People who insist on things being "their way or else" - gone. I have also gotten to the point where I am deleting friends who are seemingly on here for whatever reason - but who show little to no interest in logging food or exercise on MFP - even if they do interact with me. Hopefully they are doing it elsewhere. Heck, I've had some people not last full 24 hours. I guess I look for people who are here for the reasons this app/site is geared towards.
When I send a request, I always send along a message asking them to please read my profile and then accept if they feel like we are a match. If not, I wish them good luck in their journey. These go to folks who I see interact with other friends on my list who I think we'd have something in common. Or, they go to people on the forums who have posted somethings that make me feel that way as well.
I also tend to keep my list under 50. Can't productively keep up with more than that in the manner I like to.2 -
I don't interact with my friends at all, I'm pretty much the worst mfp friend ever but I'm going to start making a better effort ( who am I kidding, I still won't make an effort)
But do whatever works best for you. Some prefer a small list1 -
To each their own.0
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