LGBTQ friends wanted

Hi folks! You know, for some reason I thought MFP would send a notification when a reply was made, so I didn't realize you all had posted! Maybe I have that option turned off... I'm new to this app, and haven't figured out all the bells and whistles yet.

@Wonkasmistake, as a feminist, it's not that I (or the other feminists I'm friends with - although I certainly can't speak for all feminists everywhere) reject the idea of a beautiful woman. It's that we reject the idea of certain idealized versions of femininity being the only definition of "beautiful." In fact, my queer feminist friends are very supportive of me being/looking "feminine" because that's how I feel most comfortable. Wearing dresses, putting on makeup, etc etc. I vehemently reject the idea that fat = ugly. I unequivocally reject the idea that certain BMIs or certain shapes are "normal" (which means everyone else is abnormal). I feel sad when I hear you say, "is it so bad to want to look pretty?" because the not-so-subtle implication you've made is that you can't look pretty the way you are. That your size, specifically, is what prevents you from feeling or being pretty. For the record, I think you are extremely pretty! That's a killer vintage polka dot dress, by the way! The truth that I've worked hard to learn is that human beings come in a staggering array of sizes and shapes, and that every single one of those are deserving of feeling loved, respected, and attractive! No person DESERVES to feel ugly or shameful about their body, no matter WHAT it looks like.

That being said, I am struggling with my own outlook, because I do want to drop some weight. And I AM guilty of buying in to mainstream culture's idea of what looking "good" means (to a certain degree). To be clear, I lead an average life, and my size has not hindered me from doing anything I wanted to do. I jumped out of an airplane at 180lbs. I was a whitewater rafting guide for six seasons at 190lbs. I don't have mobility issues. (Although even if I did, that wouldn't make me less of a person! Disabled bodies are just as worthy of love as abled bodies!) I can navigate the endless subway stairs in NYC, and make it up to my third floor walkup apartment with two loaded armfuls of groceries. But I had a BAD breakup recently, and my lover pointed to "concern" about my "health" as one of the reasons for leaving me. So here I am. Becoming slimmer, and feeling good about it. But also kind of bad, because I suspect it's for all the wrong reasons. Because it's a response to someone else's judgement on my size. And because I know being smaller will help me to find a new lover. And hating those truths for being so unapologetically accepting of mainstream beauty ideals.

I truly believe that the most important thing is to feel good in your own body, and part of achieving that goal involves not just working on giving yourself the body you desire, but also recognizing and rejecting the impossible ideals that our thin-obsessed culture feeds you. Being aware of what influences your desires, and examining yourself to locate the source of your motivation. Asking yourself if what you're hoping for is realistic, or even logical! And absolutely, reaching for a source of self-love, exactly where you are, not withholding that love until you reach your weight loss "goals."

@questionfear, I hear you on being mistaken for a guy when you work out. I have many (female and genderqueer) friends who are mistaken for cisgendered men regularly. Is that something that makes you feel hesitant to work out? The look on that guy's face must have been priceless, by the way!

@VGanieany Thanks for the support! That's exactly how I'm trying to approach it (some days with more success than others). The trouble for me, comes when I consider WHY I feel bad if I gain a bit, and WHY I feel good if I lose. I should feel good about myself, no matter what size I am! I hate that society has burrowed these insecurities and fears into my head, no matter how hard I try to fight them! But you're right. I DEFINITELY don't need people in my life who NEED me to be a certain size in order to be loved or even liked!

@lilydove37 I know what you mean about being frustrated with articles etc that are geared specifically towards women. Even the way they are written is irritating to me, sometimes, because lots of them (although not all) zero in SO HARD on goals like "looking good for [a bikini, a dress, naked for sex with men, etc etc]" rather than being able to run a longer distance or lift a heavier weight. And CERTAINLY women's articles aren't talking much about building muscle. So many of them discuss how to AVOID looking (and thus being) muscular! It must be super frustrating for you. BTW, have you tried crossfit? I hear that builds amazing strength and coordination. I've never done it (and I'm WAY too scared - and broke - to try) but my niece loves it. I've also read lots of cautionary tales about it too, though, especially if you find a crossfit "box" that doesn't have educated trainers. So if you give it a whirl, be safe about it and do the research!