My little vent

smileycanuck
smileycanuck Posts: 23 Member
in Motivation and Support
Hey all,

I just want to vent a minute then I will get over it and move on!

Last night I saw my parents and my sister, my mom asked me how I have been doing and what my weight loss was to date. I said I reached 45 pounds down (since January), my mom said, "good for you 5 more pounds and you have reached 50". Then my sister says "Really??.....that is good adding mom" At first I got excited when she went really?? as I thought she was finally going to say something about my loss (like really?? that much you have lost?), then when she finished the sentence I realized nope, she is going to be the same self centered person she is. So then my mom got a little annoyed for me and said to my sister "well good for her, she has been working hard at losing this weight" of course my sister just stops listening and starts looking around, basically end of conversation. I just wish, just ONCE she would say something, I don't need this big speech, or for her to go on and on, but just one, good for you or great job, but nothing. I just cannot believe how she can be that way, all my life I have been there for her, supporting her, supporting her kids, she is a single mom that if she was unavailable to do something for her boys I am the one that steps in and helps. I am always there for her. I just wish one time she would stop being so selfish and be there for me.

The only she has done now is just keep the fire going for me to continue on, I am doing this for me and my health, if she doesn't want to support me I am not going to let it stop me.

Ok vent over......thanks for reading! :)

Replies

  • vespiquenn
    vespiquenn Posts: 1,455 Member
    Unfortunately, you're not going to change that type of person. No point in getting upset over it, no matter how irritating. I know easier said than done, but just keep on keeping on. Obviously you're doing very well for yourself and your health, and that's all that matters.
  • arditarose
    arditarose Posts: 15,573 Member
    Yeah I used to act that way when I was jealous of people. Not nice, but at least now I understand what I was doing and avoid that behavior. She is jealous. And trust me, jealousy is not a fun feeling. Just keep doing your thing. Sometimes people would bring up my behavior to me and while it was painful to hear, I am happy my friends felt comfortable talking to me about it and in the long run it has helped me be a better friend over the years. You could tell her it feels like she is ignoring your success and open a conversation.
  • besaro
    besaro Posts: 1,858 Member
    it sucks when we look to others for validation. and now, to hijack the thread, i hate the word "kitten" in place for what i can only assume is a curse word. so dumb.
  • emdeesea
    emdeesea Posts: 1,823 Member
    I have a sister like that too. Everything is all about her. Always.

    Basically she's a sociopath and I have all but cut her out of my life because I'm too old and too tired, and life is too short to deal with that *kitten*. :)
  • Scamd83
    Scamd83 Posts: 808 Member
    edited June 2016
    Is the complaint here that someone hasn't given praise for weight loss efforts? Because nobody is obligated to do this, nobody is obligated to even care. Maybe your sister never saw your weight as a big deal worth talking about in the first place and has always just liked you for however you are. I don't want to put a negative on a positive, but we all have to remember we've had to lose this weight because we gained it in the first place. Expecting pats on the back, compliments and support for correcting a mistake is silly when you look at it properly. They're nice, but don't be expecting your weight to be the big issue that matters to everyone else. Just do it for you, any compliments you do get, take it as a bonus, not something that is expected.
  • Hearts_2015
    Hearts_2015 Posts: 12,031 Member
    edited June 2016
    smileycanuck wrote: »

    The only she has done now is just keep the fire going for me to continue on, I am doing this for me and my health, if she doesn't want to support me I am not going to let it stop me.

    That's wonderful, you have a drive to succeed and it's all about you and your goals. Doing this for ourselves and only ourselves is really the only thing with long lasting success. :smiley:
    @smileycanuck
    besaro wrote: »
    it sucks when we look to others for validation
    I agree it does suck and isn't the easist thing to break free of... it's tough to untangle ourselves from. But so freeing when we do! :+1:

    @besaro
  • smileycanuck
    smileycanuck Posts: 23 Member
    Scamd83 wrote: »
    Is the complaint here that someone hasn't given praise for weight loss efforts? Because nobody is obligated to do this, nobody is obligated to even care. Maybe your sister never saw your weight as a big deal worth talking about in the first place and has always just liked you for however you are. I don't want to put a negative on a positive, but we all have to remember we've had to lose this weight because we gained it in the first place. Expecting pats on the back, compliments and support for correcting a mistake is silly when you look at it properly. They're nice, but don't be expecting your weight to be the big issue that matters to everyone else. Just do it for you, any compliments you do get, take it as a bonus, not something that is expected.

    My complaint is not about praise or any sort of compliment, I don't need that, as I said I am doing this for me, not for her or really anyone to praise me. I would just like some support, it is hard enough trying to lose weight but when you don't have people behind you that are supporting you it can be discouraging.
  • queenliz99
    queenliz99 Posts: 15,317 Member
    But that is the point! What if your support all dries up? What will you do?
  • smileycanuck
    smileycanuck Posts: 23 Member
    newmeadow wrote: »
    O what a tangled web we weave.

    I do love a good rant and all.

    But, I was hoping for 'she snuck in my bedroom while I was sleeping and stole the $200 I was hiding under my pillow to donate to the United Way' or 'She had a baby last week and it came out looking exactly like my husband. All those times she called us when her car was in the shop, he was just supposed to be picking her up from work. And we can't afford a DNA test' or 'She fed my dog peanut butter even though I told her he's allergic. Now my dog's passed away as a result and she tried to give me a second hand cat to replace him with. I really hate her but I still want to go to holiday dinners at my mother's when she'll be there. What should I do?' or something along those lines.

    Instead it's a 'she didn't compliment me after my mother did and then she sort of wanted to change the subject' thing.

    I am so sorry I maybe did not post my words exactly correctly, I didn't realize my "silly" little vent would cause such a stir. Maybe next time I will make sure she cut off one of my arms just to make sure my vent is worthwhile. :#
  • vixtris
    vixtris Posts: 688 Member
    @smileycanuck Sorry to say this, but your sister is likely not going to say anything to you about it. I am in the same situation. I saw my sister last Christmas, it was the first time she had seen me thin. She saw me one other time during my weight loss. She didn't say a word either times, and honestly, I expected she wasn't going to anyway. She knows I lost weight, but she is probably either too ashamed to say anything about it, or doesn't want to bring up the subject of weight loss altogether (given her own size). I have even posted loads of photos of my new body on facebook (that came out weird, I assure you I was clothed in them haha), and she has only merely 'liked' them. Not once has she ever said "wow you look great," or anything along those lines. Jealousy is a *kitten*, and happens all too often among families. Keep your head high, make sure your happiness overflows when you see her, because confidence stings.
  • emdeesea
    emdeesea Posts: 1,823 Member
    I get it. It's social reciprocity. You've supported her as a single mother, you've done things for her, gone out of your way for her... it would be nice if she would do something nice back, even if it was nothing more than a nice comment.

    It's not necessary but it would be nice, but you likely will never get it from someone like that so unfortunately you just have to accept it.

    What I have done is to accept the fact that there are some people who are very unhappy with their lives and themselves... but it's not my problem - it's theirs. So I'll just keep doing my thing and being awesome and they can continue to wallow in their own misery - but I'm not going to wallow with them.
  • Hearts_2015
    Hearts_2015 Posts: 12,031 Member
    smileycanuck wrote: »
    Scamd83 wrote: »
    Is the complaint here that someone hasn't given praise for weight loss efforts? Because nobody is obligated to do this, nobody is obligated to even care. Maybe your sister never saw your weight as a big deal worth talking about in the first place and has always just liked you for however you are. I don't want to put a negative on a positive, but we all have to remember we've had to lose this weight because we gained it in the first place. Expecting pats on the back, compliments and support for correcting a mistake is silly when you look at it properly. They're nice, but don't be expecting your weight to be the big issue that matters to everyone else. Just do it for you, any compliments you do get, take it as a bonus, not something that is expected.

    My complaint is not about praise or any sort of compliment, I don't need that, as I said I am doing this for me, not for her or really anyone to praise me. I would just like some support, it is hard enough trying to lose weight but when you don't have people behind you that are supporting you it can be discouraging.
    That's why we are fortunate we have MFP and the boards! Many ppl don't have any one outside of MFP as support which makes the boards and ppl on our FL invaluable. :smiley:
  • Hearts_2015
    Hearts_2015 Posts: 12,031 Member
    edited June 2016


    @smileycanuck
    I am so sorry I maybe did not post my words exactly correctly, I didn't realize my "silly" little vent would cause such a stir. Maybe next time I will make sure she cut off one of my arms just to make sure my vent is worthwhile. :#

    Because another comment doesn't agree with you doesn't mean you said anything wrong, it's your vent/rant and how you feel. Feelings aren't right or wrong, they simply are. Try and skip parts or skim through them and read the parts that help you work through this. Come back later and reread what others have shared and you might see things differently. Sometimes that happens to me... I read something and then later read it again. Sometimes it sounds very different as if I've never read it before.

    I've seen one post just above this one by snickerscharlie that sounds like He's been through something quite similar and lived to come out the other side.

    Take what you need and leave the rest.. it applies to many things in life.. yes even the messages boards on the Net at times. :wink:
  • smileycanuck
    smileycanuck Posts: 23 Member
    queenliz99 wrote: »
    But that is the point! What if your support all dries up? What will you do?

    To be honest, the majority of this weight I have lost is been me supporting me and also the support of people on MFP, so I will just continue on as I have been. I just had a rare pity moment I wanted to share, that is all
  • Galadrial60
    Galadrial60 Posts: 19 Member
    Family.

    Ah yes.
    I suspect i get the why of it. My sister lost about 50 pounds in high school...then 20 more along the way. When I was chubby in high school she would "talk" to me about it. It made me feel unhappy and inadequate.

    When i started Mfb, the first three pounds seemed to take forever to lose....(actually only 11 days) but when it did I texted my sister to share the good news. Her response....oh thats not very ambitious....you can do better.

    Reality....i can't share that with her. Her mindset will always be different. Sorry for your angst.
  • LivingtheLeanDream
    LivingtheLeanDream Posts: 13,342 Member
    A lot of us have likely similar stories we could tell...your sister sounds like my sister!

    I got slim for me - for health and vanity, I stopped caring what others thought a long time ago...
  • melissa6771
    melissa6771 Posts: 894 Member
    @smileycanuck

    Please ignore just about everything said in this thread! You already know that you're losing the weight for you, no one needs to tell you that! That is so not the point! There are bunches of threads with people upset that no one notices their loss and the responses are always the same and I consider them insensitive.

    I totally understand, you want the support of your family. Your mom asked how much you lost. Your sister gave your mom credit for adding but not credit to you for all your hard work. It's human nature to desire praise for our efforts and anyone who said differently is full of crap. People like to hear praise for a job well done at work, God knows there's enough studies on how it makes employees more productive. When someone paints a beautiful picture and people pay to see it or buy it, people clap at the end of live performances, a standing O at the end of a musical, there are thousands of times when people seek and appreciate praise for hard work or just even a job well done. It is normal!

    Losing weight is one of those things, maybe even much harder than a lot of them and you deserve that from your family, they are your most basic support system. At the same time, instead of holding it in maybe talk to your family about it, tell them how your feeling. It's a brave thing to do and it may bring something to light for them that they're not even really aware of. It is ok to ask for what you want in life, always. The worst that can happen is that you don't get it, but at least you tried.

    Congrats on your loss so far! That is a great and difficult thing you've done. Keep up the great work! ☺️
  • ajmurray1234
    ajmurray1234 Posts: 163 Member
    There is something to be said about self centered people, oh wait.... I can't think of anything. At least nothing positive. You keep on keeping on, sistah! Great job on your success so far.
  • NaturalNancy
    NaturalNancy Posts: 1,093 Member
    Congrats on your hard work!!!
    Some people, even your own family will not have anything nice to say...
    It can be hurtful but just ignore her and keep doing what you're doing.
  • lizzieloo934
    lizzieloo934 Posts: 57 Member
    This reminds me of one of my favourite quotes. "Don't go to a hardware store looking for a loaf of bread."

    You can speculate why she doesn't support you (jealous, immature, self centred, unhappy etc) but the reality is you have no idea why she won't or can't support you. She does not have the ability to support you so stop expecting it. Just like you can't expect to find bread at a hardware store, no matter how badly you need/want it.

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