My 14 yr old daughter is over-weight and I need advice
Replies
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BlendaBrenda wrote: »Where is she going that she has so much access to junk food?
She's too young to drive so how's she getting around?
I'd buy her a bike to get to her friends houses and around town.
We did not have junk food or soda in my home growing up. My parents grew food and made everything from scratch. I still was fat. I don't drink soda now as an adult, I don't truly like it. Still fat. I don't particularly like junk food. Still fat. I got fat off of too many vegetables, too much meat, too much calories.
Bike to friends and around town? I grew up in the middle of no where lol the closest store was over 30 miles away. While you have 'well' intentions it seems you're trying to paint solutions with a narrow brush.
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I think now is the right time to teach her portion control and what and actual serving of food looks like. I sure would have paid a lot more attention to the amount of calories I consumed, instead of assuming everything low and fat free was good for me (90's diet mentality).2
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Char231023 wrote: »I think now is the right time to teach her portion control and what and actual serving of food looks like. I sure would have paid a lot more attention to the amount of calories I consumed, instead of assuming everything low and fat free was good for me (90's diet mentality).
I think you are correct.2 -
Until she wants it there is nothing that will change her
sorry at least that was my attitude at 14... 5 -
I was never obese but my grandmother was, so my mom was always scared I would end up like my grandmother and also develop diabetes. Her fear of me gaining weight rubbed off on me so I struggled with my body image for years, slowly gaining weight until I was at my heaviest: 176 pounds at 5'4. It was the worst feeling in the world. I also was hypersensitive to anything my mom would say. If she even looked at my stomach I would wallow in self pity, even though she never meant to hurt me. I realize that now but she's finally gotten around to where she doesnt ever bring up my weight or how I look in clothes, instead she will ask me to hang out with her and walk around the mall for a few hours or go swimming (physical activity that is fun and burns calories) and we would get a smoothie or something small and sweet as a treat to reinforce that food is okay and it is not an enemy. Try to teach her that you dont exercise to lose weight, you exercise to feel good. That really helped me and many people. When healthy lifestyles become a positive way to keep my hormone levels good and happy instead of calories ina and calories out, my relationship with food got better.
One awesome way to lose weight is food substitutions. Instead of mashed potatoes, puree some cauliflower. Instead of regular icecream, buy Arctic Zero (they only are 150 calories per pint) but they are a bit bland because they dont have much sugar so I always get the Salted Caramel Brownie Protein bar (brand: Zone Perfect) and cut it into bote size pieces and throw it in the icecream pint! 1/2 a pint + the protein bites= 275 calories! Its filling and cures the sweet tooth!3 -
No one has addressed this yet, but you've said that you've become a "junk food nazi" and that she is choosing to get junk food outside the house.
It's possible that your attitude about junk food has given it a special status in her mind - perhaps a form of rebellion because teenagers will be teenagers.
Maybe, if you take the power of junk food out of the equation, your daughter may be more successful.19 -
Thanks everyone. I guess my biggest concern is that no matter what I do, I can't make the decision to get healthy for her and she isn't making that decision herself. She complains about her high weight frequently. She is offered healthy food at home but when she is out of the house she loads up on junk food (raw cookie dough, cookies, chips, pizza, sweet tea, soda). I was thin most of my adult life but gained 20 lbs 3 years ago and have been a junk food natzi since. If it's in the house then I will eat it so it isn't allowed in my house. She has watched me make exercise and good heath a priority and seen me lose the weight. She has been in health classes. We have had multiple conversations over the years about good eating habits, portion control, exercise. I started becoming obsessed with counting calories and had to reign myself back in and I was open and honest with her about that. She knows that is one of the reasons I don't want her to start counting calories either. I honestly think she believes if she finds a way to get enough exercise in then she can keep eating what she wants and I keep telling her that isn't the way it works. Btw, my daughter is very stubborn if you couldn't tell so far.
I hear you, typical teenager! As a PP mentioned, do you think she wants to lose the weight badly? I can see this from both sides of the coin so to speak, I was a plump child and young teen, things levelled out when I was about 16 as I was so busy with work, college, dancing and walking everywhere but once I passed my driving test and hit my late teens, the weight came on and then some till I was about 42 pounds overweight.
I then got so sick of not being able to wear cute clothes and the cruel remarks, I decided I wanted to be slim far more than remain how I was and I was successful. Even now in my middle years it's still a struggle, but like the rest of us I'm a work in progress, trying to be slim and healthy is like writing a novel you never finish! Your DD is very lucky to have a Mom that wants to help her, I didn't have that and I know it could have helped me.
Definitely encourage her to be more active too, if she's not keen on school sports things like dancing, tennis, gym work, Pilates, anything that gets her moving will help. It's so true if you find a sport you enjoy that you'll stick with it.1 -
No one has addressed this yet, but you've said that you've become a "junk food nazi" and that she is choosing to get junk food outside the house.
It's possible that your attitude about junk food has given it a special status in her mind - perhaps a form of rebellion because teenagers will be teenagers.
Maybe, if you take the power of junk food out of the equation, your daughter may be more successful.
I've thought about that also in the past and the best decision I've come to so far is to be honest with my daughter and also value my health. I've told her the truth that it is hard for me to resist sugary treats and therefore I don't keep them in the house. It's a decision I've made for my health. Outside of our house is a different matter. We will sometimes go out for ice cream as a treat. She'll order a double chocolate cookie dough blizzard, beg for a large, only be allowed a medium (just like her sister) and I'll choose a hot fudge sundae because that's only 350 calories and much less calories than most blizzards. We were at a birthday party last weekend. I ate a piece of birthday cake and a small scoop of ice cream. She ate 2 pieces of cake along with ice cream. I don't ever to make her feel bad for eating what she does. I was a chunky, self-conscious kid growing up watching my own mother struggle with weight loss and I would love to break the cycle with my daughter.0 -
No one has addressed this yet, but you've said that you've become a "junk food nazi" and that she is choosing to get junk food outside the house.
It's possible that your attitude about junk food has given it a special status in her mind - perhaps a form of rebellion because teenagers will be teenagers.
Maybe, if you take the power of junk food out of the equation, your daughter may be more successful.
I've thought about that also in the past and the best decision I've come to so far is to be honest with my daughter and also value my health. I've told her the truth that it is hard for me to resist sugary treats and therefore I don't keep them in the house. It's a decision I've made for my health. Outside of our house is a different matter. We will sometimes go out for ice cream as a treat. She'll order a double chocolate cookie dough blizzard, beg for a large, only be allowed a medium (just like her sister) and I'll choose a hot fudge sundae because that's only 350 calories and much less calories than most blizzards. We were at a birthday party last weekend. I ate a piece of birthday cake and a small scoop of ice cream. She ate 2 pieces of cake along with ice cream. I don't ever to make her feel bad for eating what she does. I was a chunky, self-conscious kid growing up watching my own mother struggle with weight loss and I would love to break the cycle with my daughter.
I don't want to be harsh here, but if that's how she's eating, she probably should feel bad for eating it. There is absolutely nothing wrong with treats in moderation but that kind of quantity is not moderation and it's setting her up for a lifetime as a obese adult. You don't have to be cruel about it but I think it's vital that you make her aware that eating like that is not appropriate or healthy. Downing two pieces of cake with ice cream or a huge blizzard on the regular isn't a good thing. It's fine to indulge once in a while and everyone overeats sometimes, but it's thinking that those kind of portions are acceptable and typical that is a problem.3 -
No one has addressed this yet, but you've said that you've become a "junk food nazi" and that she is choosing to get junk food outside the house.
It's possible that your attitude about junk food has given it a special status in her mind - perhaps a form of rebellion because teenagers will be teenagers.
Maybe, if you take the power of junk food out of the equation, your daughter may be more successful.
I've thought about that also in the past and the best decision I've come to so far is to be honest with my daughter and also value my health. I've told her the truth that it is hard for me to resist sugary treats and therefore I don't keep them in the house. It's a decision I've made for my health. Outside of our house is a different matter. We will sometimes go out for ice cream as a treat. She'll order a double chocolate cookie dough blizzard, beg for a large, only be allowed a medium (just like her sister) and I'll choose a hot fudge sundae because that's only 350 calories and much less calories than most blizzards. We were at a birthday party last weekend. I ate a piece of birthday cake and a small scoop of ice cream. She ate 2 pieces of cake along with ice cream. I don't ever to make her feel bad for eating what she does. I was a chunky, self-conscious kid growing up watching my own mother struggle with weight loss and I would love to break the cycle with my daughter.
I don't want to be harsh here, but if that's how she's eating, she probably should feel bad for eating it. There is absolutely nothing wrong with treats in moderation but that kind of quantity is not moderation and it's setting her up for a lifetime as a obese adult. You don't have to be cruel about it but I think it's vital that you make her aware that eating like that is not appropriate or healthy. Downing two pieces of cake with ice cream or a huge blizzard on the regular isn't a good thing. It's fine to indulge once in a while and everyone overeats sometimes, but it's thinking that those kind of portions are acceptable and typical that is a problem.
I agree on treats in moderation but I also feel there is a very fine line that is easily crossed when it comes to making our kids feel bad about their bodies and this is a tricky time in their lives anyway. I'm trying to lead by example, I'm trying to encourage without saying the wrong things, I'm trying to give her the best environment I can to make good choices but I feel like I'm missing something. I'm not perfect. I'm sure I've screwed up several times. I just want my daughter to be happy and healthy, not one or the other.6 -
Exactly. By banning them from your house, even though you feel like you're being honest and that's the best policy, you are giving them a lot of power and you're not teaching your daughter that it is OK to eat treats in moderation.
You're teaching her that it's something to be ashamed of and hide, and it looks like it is manifesting itself in her weight.
I don't think there's an easy answer here and I also don't want to come across as though I'm implying you're not doing the best you can. However, the method you've currently chosen is clearly not working so it might be time to try something else instead of doubling down on the thing that isn't working.4 -
Just a question: how is your daughter able to spend what sounds like a substantial amount of money on fast food? How much money does she have that she's able to overeat so massively? At that age I had enough pocket money to buy a small ice cream a few times per month, a few small pieces of candy and to go to the cinema once without buying popcorn. At least I was not able to buy such massive amount of calories that I would have gotten overweight.2
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No one has addressed this yet, but you've said that you've become a "junk food nazi" and that she is choosing to get junk food outside the house.
It's possible that your attitude about junk food has given it a special status in her mind - perhaps a form of rebellion because teenagers will be teenagers.
Maybe, if you take the power of junk food out of the equation, your daughter may be more successful.
I've thought about that also in the past and the best decision I've come to so far is to be honest with my daughter and also value my health. I've told her the truth that it is hard for me to resist sugary treats and therefore I don't keep them in the house. It's a decision I've made for my health. Outside of our house is a different matter. We will sometimes go out for ice cream as a treat. She'll order a double chocolate cookie dough blizzard, beg for a large, only be allowed a medium (just like her sister) and I'll choose a hot fudge sundae because that's only 350 calories and much less calories than most blizzards. We were at a birthday party last weekend. I ate a piece of birthday cake and a small scoop of ice cream. She ate 2 pieces of cake along with ice cream. I don't ever to make her feel bad for eating what she does. I was a chunky, self-conscious kid growing up watching my own mother struggle with weight loss and I would love to break the cycle with my daughter.
I don't want to be harsh here, but if that's how she's eating, she probably should feel bad for eating it. There is absolutely nothing wrong with treats in moderation but that kind of quantity is not moderation and it's setting her up for a lifetime as a obese adult. You don't have to be cruel about it but I think it's vital that you make her aware that eating like that is not appropriate or healthy. Downing two pieces of cake with ice cream or a huge blizzard on the regular isn't a good thing. It's fine to indulge once in a while and everyone overeats sometimes, but it's thinking that those kind of portions are acceptable and typical that is a problem.
You think a 14 year old should start feeling guilt and shame over her food choices?! This is not an adult. This is a child. This is the time when young girls especially are most vulnerable to harmful attitudes around eating, the kind that cement themselves in their brain and evolve into bad eating habits as an adult.
Haven't you seen the adults here struggling with feeling guilt and shame and panic over messing up one day because they overate? You really want that to be the struggles of this child?21 -
Just a question: how is your daughter able to spend what sounds like a substantial amount of money on fast food? How much money does she have that she's able to overeat so massively? At that age I had enough pocket money to buy a small ice cream a few times per month, a few small pieces of candy and to go to the cinema once without buying popcorn. At least I was not able to buy such massive amount of calories that I would have gotten overweight.
She doesn't have much money. She gets high calorie foods when she visits her friends, her extended family, and even at school. She gets a lot of high calorie foods from her friends sharing parts of their lunch with her.
She and I talked again while we were taking a walk last night. She brought up that she had lost 2 lbs which gave me the chance to talk about her about this again. I asked what I could do to help her. She said nothing right now. She decided to log her food each day to see what all she eats without realizing it. On the plus side, by seeing her food journal I'm hoping I'll be able to catch it if she tries starving herself. She is also going to focus on staying hydrated which she admits to being very bad about.6 -
Just a question: how is your daughter able to spend what sounds like a substantial amount of money on fast food? How much money does she have that she's able to overeat so massively? At that age I had enough pocket money to buy a small ice cream a few times per month, a few small pieces of candy and to go to the cinema once without buying popcorn. At least I was not able to buy such massive amount of calories that I would have gotten overweight.
Junk food costs very little. Can get a big bag of chips and soda for $2-3. Can order off the value menu at a fast food place. Walmart has candy pretty cheap. Cookies are only $3-5. And it's very easy to eat in a surplus with food like that. I know personally I got about $10-15 a week as a teenager for allowance.
It also sounded like from the OP she's eating this junk food with friends so maybe at their houses as well.4 -
Just a question: how is your daughter able to spend what sounds like a substantial amount of money on fast food? How much money does she have that she's able to overeat so massively? At that age I had enough pocket money to buy a small ice cream a few times per month, a few small pieces of candy and to go to the cinema once without buying popcorn. At least I was not able to buy such massive amount of calories that I would have gotten overweight.
I don't know the answer to this, but she's 14. She could have a job. I started working when I was 11, and I always had enough money to buy junk every day and get fat. That's exactly what I did since my parents didn't allow any type of junk food in the house.
If she has no job, then it's a fair point!0 -
Personally, I think that teaching a teen how to count calories and practice mindful eating can be a good thing when introduced in a positive way. I approach it the same as I do with money and budgeting finances. I have "x" amount of money, need to spend "x" amount of money on necessities and then have "x" amount of money left over for whatever extras I'd like. Sometimes I don't budget very well or a necessity will cost more then anticipated so I have nothing extra. I have to either make it fit, pass on it or accept the consequences that indulging over the budget may have. Same with calories. I start out with my calorie allowance for the day, budget in the necessities like protein and then depending on how well I balance it all, I may or may not have enough left for that cupcake that is calling my name. There have been times where I want it that bad that I will go walk or do any activity that will MAKE it fit. There have been times (fortunately much, much fewer) where I have just ate the cupcake and accepted that it is going to put me over. It's life. We all have to learn how to budget whether it's money, time or food. I wish it hadn't taken me over two decades to learn it.3
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No one has addressed this yet, but you've said that you've become a "junk food nazi" and that she is choosing to get junk food outside the house.
It's possible that your attitude about junk food has given it a special status in her mind - perhaps a form of rebellion because teenagers will be teenagers.
Maybe, if you take the power of junk food out of the equation, your daughter may be more successful.
I've thought about that also in the past and the best decision I've come to so far is to be honest with my daughter and also value my health. I've told her the truth that it is hard for me to resist sugary treats and therefore I don't keep them in the house. It's a decision I've made for my health. Outside of our house is a different matter. We will sometimes go out for ice cream as a treat. She'll order a double chocolate cookie dough blizzard, beg for a large, only be allowed a medium (just like her sister) and I'll choose a hot fudge sundae because that's only 350 calories and much less calories than most blizzards. We were at a birthday party last weekend. I ate a piece of birthday cake and a small scoop of ice cream. She ate 2 pieces of cake along with ice cream. I don't ever to make her feel bad for eating what she does. I was a chunky, self-conscious kid growing up watching my own mother struggle with weight loss and I would love to break the cycle with my daughter.
I don't want to be harsh here, but if that's how she's eating, she probably should feel bad for eating it. There is absolutely nothing wrong with treats in moderation but that kind of quantity is not moderation and it's setting her up for a lifetime as a obese adult. You don't have to be cruel about it but I think it's vital that you make her aware that eating like that is not appropriate or healthy. Downing two pieces of cake with ice cream or a huge blizzard on the regular isn't a good thing. It's fine to indulge once in a while and everyone overeats sometimes, but it's thinking that those kind of portions are acceptable and typical that is a problem.
Yes, because shaming someone is absolutely what a teenager needs.
Offering perspective as someone who piled on a LOT of weight during my senior year of high school (comparing yearbook photos is still depressing 7+ years later):
For many girls, it has nothing to do with food and everything to do with CONTROL. My parents, but especially my mother, were VERY, very controlling and strict. For me, food often became a way of simultaneously being rebellious and literally swallowing my anger, my resentment, and so forth. My mother made a point of addressing my weight gain, and it did nothing to dissuade me from eating crazy amounts of food and calories, especially under the insane delusion that somehow being young would keep me from getting fatter and fatter. My sister and I handled our parents' divorce a few years back differently. I ate my feelings to suppress my feelings; my sister starved herself. Both were unhealthy coping mechanism involving use of food as a means of regaining control we felt was lost.
The only thing that helped me snap out of it was moving out of my mother's house and no longer being under her thumb - and even, it took years to figure out the problem. If I'm not careful, I can still be prone to eating to excess. I'm not 100% "there" yet.
OP, I would strongly suggest you get your daughter to a medical professional, yes - but also a therapist. It's very possible there are underlying psychological reasons that she eats the way she does.4 -
When I hit 11 or so, I gained 15 or 20lbs. The first thing my dad did was put me on a diet. He had me weigh in every day. I got to the point where I started to lie about what I was eating just not to feel the pressure. It started a cycle of gaining/losing weight, hiding what I eat (which I still do to this day) and lying about my weight. Please don't do that to your daughter.
A visit to the doctor would be good, just to rule out any medical issues. You also don't mention how overweight she is. Is she up 20lbs or so (maybe related to hormones or growing spurts)? Or is she severely overweight? You are on the right track, have healthy food in the house but don't forbid the treats. Help her learn proper portion sizes. Make activity fun, walk, yoga, dance class.
Most importantly, remind her what she sees on tv and in the magazines is not real life. Teach her to embrace her curves and be happy with who she is. Remind her that her body will always be changing and proper nutrition and healthy exercise is key.2 -
Does your employer or health insurance offer a health coach or dietician you can call? Or talk with her pediatrician when she isn't there. They may have better options for helping adolescents develop better eating habits than we can offer. I agree that this is a delicate situation, as others have mentioned.
One other option - does your daughter like or know how to cook? I loved cooking and made quite a few of my family's meals when I was that age, especially when my parents were working. Cooking together or teaching her to cook is a great way to help her understand what's in food without adding a bunch of weight loss pressure. Pick recipes from blogs like skinny taste that are already fairly nutritious and lower calorie. Even recipes that are typically higher in calories get a decent makover - nuggets, chicken parm, dips, etc.1 -
I agree that the health and weight of a 14 year old is too important for us to deal with in our well-meant but not professional ways.
As you seek really good advice:
-Make sure she knows how lovely she is already. At 14 you need a lot of reminding!
-However you both deal with getting her to a healthy weight and safe lifestyle - be sure that she doesn't wait to start living until she gets there.
-Remind her that most people have to face this at some time in their lives.
-Avoid the role of 'The Food Police' -even in a kindly way. It is a real parent trap. There is no point her having to eat (wonderful wicked food) secretly.
-Perhaps leave the 'where and when' questions about the extra food to one side and consider 'why'. It seems that food fills a need of some (non-nutritional) kind for her.8 -
No one has addressed this yet, but you've said that you've become a "junk food nazi" and that she is choosing to get junk food outside the house.
It's possible that your attitude about junk food has given it a special status in her mind - perhaps a form of rebellion because teenagers will be teenagers.
Maybe, if you take the power of junk food out of the equation, your daughter may be more successful.
I've thought about that also in the past and the best decision I've come to so far is to be honest with my daughter and also value my health. I've told her the truth that it is hard for me to resist sugary treats and therefore I don't keep them in the house. It's a decision I've made for my health. Outside of our house is a different matter. We will sometimes go out for ice cream as a treat. She'll order a double chocolate cookie dough blizzard, beg for a large, only be allowed a medium (just like her sister) and I'll choose a hot fudge sundae because that's only 350 calories and much less calories than most blizzards. We were at a birthday party last weekend. I ate a piece of birthday cake and a small scoop of ice cream. She ate 2 pieces of cake along with ice cream. I don't ever to make her feel bad for eating what she does. I was a chunky, self-conscious kid growing up watching my own mother struggle with weight loss and I would love to break the cycle with my daughter.
I don't want to be harsh here, but if that's how she's eating, she probably should feel bad for eating it. There is absolutely nothing wrong with treats in moderation but that kind of quantity is not moderation and it's setting her up for a lifetime as a obese adult. You don't have to be cruel about it but I think it's vital that you make her aware that eating like that is not appropriate or healthy. Downing two pieces of cake with ice cream or a huge blizzard on the regular isn't a good thing. It's fine to indulge once in a while and everyone overeats sometimes, but it's thinking that those kind of portions are acceptable and typical that is a problem.
You think a 14 year old should start feeling guilt and shame over her food choices?! This is not an adult. This is a child. This is the time when young girls especially are most vulnerable to harmful attitudes around eating, the kind that cement themselves in their brain and evolve into bad eating habits as an adult.
Haven't you seen the adults here struggling with feeling guilt and shame and panic over messing up one day because they overate? You really want that to be the struggles of this child?
Not "shame", but yes, absolutely, a little guilt over eating massive quantities of sweets regularly, especially as this kid doesn't seem to realize that it's not something people should do. I don't know if I'm from bizarro-world or what, but that kind of eating isn't good for anyone and it is something that should make you go "I shouldn't have done that." I don't think it should be "you're a bad person because you overeat garbage food all the time," but guilt is the way that people (including children) learn to stop doing things they shouldn't. If my kid skips school, yes, I want them to feel guilty about it. If they are overeating consistently, then yes, maybe a little guilt isn't a bad thing. I'm not advocating being harsh here but I think this whole mentality of "don't ever criticize your child's food choices or you'll ruin their eating for life!" is absolutely bonkers. Telling a fourteen year old "Hey, honey, that was really a lot of dessert after all that other food we had at the party - maybe next time keeping it to one piece of cake would be a good idea," isn't child abuse.
I dunno...I grew up in a house where my mom was always pretty good at telling me "okay, I know you love salt and vinegar chips and all, but a small bowl is lots," or "You had a bagel for breakfast and Subway for lunch, so maybe let's not make a huge bowl of mashed potatoes and garlic bread for dinner," Some kids regulate their food choices just fine, but for those who don't, how the heck are they ever going to learn about eating properly if we don't teach them?
I'm not really a fan of this idea that telling a child that they aren't making good choices is a terrible idea that's going to destroy them forever. I mean, yes, do it with love, do it with sensitivity, don't be condescending or angry or anything, but if parents are now expected to raise their children without telling them to cool it on the sugary snacks because too much of them makes you fat, I really don't know what to say.
And as for "evolving into bad eating habits as an adult", you think letting this kid eat like this is NOT giving her bad eating habits? She already has them, and continuing like this is only going to make it worse. This is why developed countries now have more people overweight or obese than not. Telling a kid she's eating too much junk food is not going to automatically give her an eating disorder. I don't understand this even a little bit.
I know this is an unpopular opinion but when I read stuff like this I just want to bang my head against the wall. We have an obesity crisis, and being afraid to even mention food choices, much less educate your kids properly on how to keep themselves healthy, is not solving the problem.13 -
Wicked_Seraph wrote: »No one has addressed this yet, but you've said that you've become a "junk food nazi" and that she is choosing to get junk food outside the house.
It's possible that your attitude about junk food has given it a special status in her mind - perhaps a form of rebellion because teenagers will be teenagers.
Maybe, if you take the power of junk food out of the equation, your daughter may be more successful.
I've thought about that also in the past and the best decision I've come to so far is to be honest with my daughter and also value my health. I've told her the truth that it is hard for me to resist sugary treats and therefore I don't keep them in the house. It's a decision I've made for my health. Outside of our house is a different matter. We will sometimes go out for ice cream as a treat. She'll order a double chocolate cookie dough blizzard, beg for a large, only be allowed a medium (just like her sister) and I'll choose a hot fudge sundae because that's only 350 calories and much less calories than most blizzards. We were at a birthday party last weekend. I ate a piece of birthday cake and a small scoop of ice cream. She ate 2 pieces of cake along with ice cream. I don't ever to make her feel bad for eating what she does. I was a chunky, self-conscious kid growing up watching my own mother struggle with weight loss and I would love to break the cycle with my daughter.
I don't want to be harsh here, but if that's how she's eating, she probably should feel bad for eating it. There is absolutely nothing wrong with treats in moderation but that kind of quantity is not moderation and it's setting her up for a lifetime as a obese adult. You don't have to be cruel about it but I think it's vital that you make her aware that eating like that is not appropriate or healthy. Downing two pieces of cake with ice cream or a huge blizzard on the regular isn't a good thing. It's fine to indulge once in a while and everyone overeats sometimes, but it's thinking that those kind of portions are acceptable and typical that is a problem.
Yes, because shaming someone is absolutely what a teenager needs.
Offering perspective as someone who piled on a LOT of weight during my senior year of high school (comparing yearbook photos is still depressing 7+ years later):
For many girls, it has nothing to do with food and everything to do with CONTROL. My parents, but especially my mother, were VERY, very controlling and strict. For me, food often became a way of simultaneously being rebellious and literally swallowing my anger, my resentment, and so forth. My mother made a point of addressing my weight gain, and it did nothing to dissuade me from eating crazy amounts of food and calories, especially under the insane delusion that somehow being young would keep me from getting fatter and fatter. My sister and I handled our parents' divorce a few years back differently. I ate my feelings to suppress my feelings; my sister starved herself. Both were unhealthy coping mechanism involving use of food as a means of regaining control we felt was lost.
The only thing that helped me snap out of it was moving out of my mother's house and no longer being under her thumb - and even, it took years to figure out the problem. If I'm not careful, I can still be prone to eating to excess. I'm not 100% "there" yet.
OP, I would strongly suggest you get your daughter to a medical professional, yes - but also a therapist. It's very possible there are underlying psychological reasons that she eats the way she does.
Talking to your child about making better food choices isn't "shaming". And I'll refer to my above post for the rest.2 -
I also have a 14 yr old daughter. (30 pounds overweight) I am grateful to her pediatrician for speaking to her about weight creep. They set a weight goal and every month the day after her menstrual cycle stopped she weighs herself. She keeps a record on her calendar. This has helped her keep an eye on her weight without obsessing.
Even though we are careful with the types of foods that come in the home. We cannot control what she eats at school. She can get junk food from school, friends, grandparents etc. She is active in band and school clubs. The school orders pizza for meetings and during school trips they do not stop at healthy restaurants to pick up food.
(she is not going to pack a lunch. why? she is 14 wants to hang out with her friends not stand out)
One last thing, that has helped her self esteem is that she started dressing for her body type. she is 5.2" shaped as an apple and has long legs. We buy clothes that camouflage what she wants and show off her legs. ( cute knee length skirts and sandals).
Hang in there mom.
5 -
No one has addressed this yet, but you've said that you've become a "junk food nazi" and that she is choosing to get junk food outside the house.
It's possible that your attitude about junk food has given it a special status in her mind - perhaps a form of rebellion because teenagers will be teenagers.
Maybe, if you take the power of junk food out of the equation, your daughter may be more successful.
I've thought about that also in the past and the best decision I've come to so far is to be honest with my daughter and also value my health. I've told her the truth that it is hard for me to resist sugary treats and therefore I don't keep them in the house. It's a decision I've made for my health. Outside of our house is a different matter. We will sometimes go out for ice cream as a treat. She'll order a double chocolate cookie dough blizzard, beg for a large, only be allowed a medium (just like her sister) and I'll choose a hot fudge sundae because that's only 350 calories and much less calories than most blizzards. We were at a birthday party last weekend. I ate a piece of birthday cake and a small scoop of ice cream. She ate 2 pieces of cake along with ice cream. I don't ever to make her feel bad for eating what she does. I was a chunky, self-conscious kid growing up watching my own mother struggle with weight loss and I would love to break the cycle with my daughter.
I don't want to be harsh here, but if that's how she's eating, she probably should feel bad for eating it. There is absolutely nothing wrong with treats in moderation but that kind of quantity is not moderation and it's setting her up for a lifetime as a obese adult. You don't have to be cruel about it but I think it's vital that you make her aware that eating like that is not appropriate or healthy. Downing two pieces of cake with ice cream or a huge blizzard on the regular isn't a good thing. It's fine to indulge once in a while and everyone overeats sometimes, but it's thinking that those kind of portions are acceptable and typical that is a problem.
You think a 14 year old should start feeling guilt and shame over her food choices?! This is not an adult. This is a child. This is the time when young girls especially are most vulnerable to harmful attitudes around eating, the kind that cement themselves in their brain and evolve into bad eating habits as an adult.
Haven't you seen the adults here struggling with feeling guilt and shame and panic over messing up one day because they overate? You really want that to be the struggles of this child?
This.2 -
Does your employer or health insurance offer a health coach or dietician you can call? Or talk with her pediatrician when she isn't there. They may have better options for helping adolescents develop better eating habits than we can offer. I agree that this is a delicate situation, as others have mentioned.
One other option - does your daughter like or know how to cook? I loved cooking and made quite a few of my family's meals when I was that age, especially when my parents were working. Cooking together or teaching her to cook is a great way to help her understand what's in food without adding a bunch of weight loss pressure. Pick recipes from blogs like skinny taste that are already fairly nutritious and lower calorie. Even recipes that are typically higher in calories get a decent makover - nuggets, chicken parm, dips, etc.
No, neither my employer nor my insurance company offer anything like that. It would be cool if they did.
I've been trying to encourage my daughter to cook but she's not very interested. Last week I told her that I wanted her and I to sit down together and for her to pick out something she wanted the two of us to make for dinner one night this week.1 -
I strongly agree with a previous posters comment about getting a therapist for your daughter. At this age, there is a reason she is eating too much and is overweight. Seeing a nutritionist or going to the gym is fixing the result, not the effect.
2 -
No one has addressed this yet, but you've said that you've become a "junk food nazi" and that she is choosing to get junk food outside the house.
It's possible that your attitude about junk food has given it a special status in her mind - perhaps a form of rebellion because teenagers will be teenagers.
Maybe, if you take the power of junk food out of the equation, your daughter may be more successful.
I've thought about that also in the past and the best decision I've come to so far is to be honest with my daughter and also value my health. I've told her the truth that it is hard for me to resist sugary treats and therefore I don't keep them in the house. It's a decision I've made for my health. Outside of our house is a different matter. We will sometimes go out for ice cream as a treat. She'll order a double chocolate cookie dough blizzard, beg for a large, only be allowed a medium (just like her sister) and I'll choose a hot fudge sundae because that's only 350 calories and much less calories than most blizzards. We were at a birthday party last weekend. I ate a piece of birthday cake and a small scoop of ice cream. She ate 2 pieces of cake along with ice cream. I don't ever to make her feel bad for eating what she does. I was a chunky, self-conscious kid growing up watching my own mother struggle with weight loss and I would love to break the cycle with my daughter.
I don't want to be harsh here, but if that's how she's eating, she probably should feel bad for eating it. There is absolutely nothing wrong with treats in moderation but that kind of quantity is not moderation and it's setting her up for a lifetime as a obese adult. You don't have to be cruel about it but I think it's vital that you make her aware that eating like that is not appropriate or healthy. Downing two pieces of cake with ice cream or a huge blizzard on the regular isn't a good thing. It's fine to indulge once in a while and everyone overeats sometimes, but it's thinking that those kind of portions are acceptable and typical that is a problem.
You think a 14 year old should start feeling guilt and shame over her food choices?! This is not an adult. This is a child. This is the time when young girls especially are most vulnerable to harmful attitudes around eating, the kind that cement themselves in their brain and evolve into bad eating habits as an adult.
Haven't you seen the adults here struggling with feeling guilt and shame and panic over messing up one day because they overate? You really want that to be the struggles of this child?
Not "shame", but yes, absolutely, a little guilt over eating massive quantities of sweets regularly, especially as this kid doesn't seem to realize that it's not something people should do. I don't know if I'm from bizarro-world or what, but that kind of eating isn't good for anyone and it is something that should make you go "I shouldn't have done that." I don't think it should be "you're a bad person because you overeat garbage food all the time," but guilt is the way that people (including children) learn to stop doing things they shouldn't. If my kid skips school, yes, I want them to feel guilty about it. If they are overeating consistently, then yes, maybe a little guilt isn't a bad thing. I'm not advocating being harsh here but I think this whole mentality of "don't ever criticize your child's food choices or you'll ruin their eating for life!" is absolutely bonkers. Telling a fourteen year old "Hey, honey, that was really a lot of dessert after all that other food we had at the party - maybe next time keeping it to one piece of cake would be a good idea," isn't child abuse.
I dunno...I grew up in a house where my mom was always pretty good at telling me "okay, I know you love salt and vinegar chips and all, but a small bowl is lots," or "You had a bagel for breakfast and Subway for lunch, so maybe let's not make a huge bowl of mashed potatoes and garlic bread for dinner," Some kids regulate their food choices just fine, but for those who don't, how the heck are they ever going to learn about eating properly if we don't teach them?
I'm not really a fan of this idea that telling a child that they aren't making good choices is a terrible idea that's going to destroy them forever. I mean, yes, do it with love, do it with sensitivity, don't be condescending or angry or anything, but if parents are now expected to raise their children without telling them to cool it on the sugary snacks because too much of them makes you fat, I really don't know what to say.
And as for "evolving into bad eating habits as an adult", you think letting this kid eat like this is NOT giving her bad eating habits? She already has them, and continuing like this is only going to make it worse. This is why developed countries now have more people overweight or obese than not. Telling a kid she's eating too much junk food is not going to automatically give her an eating disorder. I don't understand this even a little bit.
I know this is an unpopular opinion but when I read stuff like this I just want to bang my head against the wall. We have an obesity crisis, and being afraid to even mention food choices, much less educate your kids properly on how to keep themselves healthy, is not solving the problem.
You are creating a false dichotomy to fuel your argument. The options aren't "make her feel guilt over her food choices" or "do absolutely nothing and allow things to continue as they are", as evidenced by the myriad of opinions in this thread.
You say that your parents were good at this, but honestly, this post is an argument against the choices your parents made. You know why? Because you shouldn't feel guilt over overeating for a day. If that's truly how you feel if you have two slices of cake at a birthday party, then your ideas of food are warped as well. A healthy attitude towards food is not based in guilt or self-criticism, but comfort and self-love. Understanding why you made a choice, accepting it, and adjusting for the future - not feeling guilt over food. This is true of children and adults both, but children in particular are vulnerable and looking to their authority figures for guidance on how to see their bodies and choices.
In your head, you've equated making someone feel guilt and shame for eating unhealthily with education, love, and any corrective measures at all. This makes sense given the history you just gave us, but that's not normal. You can educate without guilt. You can adjust without shame. It's a bit distressing to talk to someone who really can't see that.
Edit: And this ignores how emotional and self-critical girls are at that age. I was overweight at that age. You know what I remember? Every time someone made me feel guilt for my food choices. You know what made me commit to losing weight? Letting go of that guilt and working to love myself instead of listen to the critical voices that had cemented themselves in my head from people like you that think it's appropriate to push guilt and shame onto children - the voices saying why bother, you're already fat, you've screwed up too much to fix it, you'll always be fat, you can never eat "right" enough to cancel out all the crushing guilt from eating badly, etc etc etc. Not because people were saying those terrible things to me, but because "healthy guilt" is not healthy in children because it warps so quickly into those monologues in your head since you're already so self-critical and self-conscious and vulnerable and are not yet old enough to process it effectively.11 -
hmm...this is tough. I was a very rebellious 14 year old. If my mom tried to tell me anything about my weight I'd probably have told her what to do with herself. I still have authority problems at 38. lol.
You've had the talk. You've offered support. Now, give her room. I'm not there yet since my kids are little, but I think a parent showing trust can also be a huge motivator for a child. I know when I felt like my mom trusted me to take care of things I usually did.5
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