My 14 yr old daughter is over-weight and I need advice
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Wicked_Seraph wrote: »No one has addressed this yet, but you've said that you've become a "junk food nazi" and that she is choosing to get junk food outside the house.
It's possible that your attitude about junk food has given it a special status in her mind - perhaps a form of rebellion because teenagers will be teenagers.
Maybe, if you take the power of junk food out of the equation, your daughter may be more successful.
I've thought about that also in the past and the best decision I've come to so far is to be honest with my daughter and also value my health. I've told her the truth that it is hard for me to resist sugary treats and therefore I don't keep them in the house. It's a decision I've made for my health. Outside of our house is a different matter. We will sometimes go out for ice cream as a treat. She'll order a double chocolate cookie dough blizzard, beg for a large, only be allowed a medium (just like her sister) and I'll choose a hot fudge sundae because that's only 350 calories and much less calories than most blizzards. We were at a birthday party last weekend. I ate a piece of birthday cake and a small scoop of ice cream. She ate 2 pieces of cake along with ice cream. I don't ever to make her feel bad for eating what she does. I was a chunky, self-conscious kid growing up watching my own mother struggle with weight loss and I would love to break the cycle with my daughter.
I don't want to be harsh here, but if that's how she's eating, she probably should feel bad for eating it. There is absolutely nothing wrong with treats in moderation but that kind of quantity is not moderation and it's setting her up for a lifetime as a obese adult. You don't have to be cruel about it but I think it's vital that you make her aware that eating like that is not appropriate or healthy. Downing two pieces of cake with ice cream or a huge blizzard on the regular isn't a good thing. It's fine to indulge once in a while and everyone overeats sometimes, but it's thinking that those kind of portions are acceptable and typical that is a problem.
Yes, because shaming someone is absolutely what a teenager needs.
Offering perspective as someone who piled on a LOT of weight during my senior year of high school (comparing yearbook photos is still depressing 7+ years later):
For many girls, it has nothing to do with food and everything to do with CONTROL. My parents, but especially my mother, were VERY, very controlling and strict. For me, food often became a way of simultaneously being rebellious and literally swallowing my anger, my resentment, and so forth. My mother made a point of addressing my weight gain, and it did nothing to dissuade me from eating crazy amounts of food and calories, especially under the insane delusion that somehow being young would keep me from getting fatter and fatter. My sister and I handled our parents' divorce a few years back differently. I ate my feelings to suppress my feelings; my sister starved herself. Both were unhealthy coping mechanism involving use of food as a means of regaining control we felt was lost.
The only thing that helped me snap out of it was moving out of my mother's house and no longer being under her thumb - and even, it took years to figure out the problem. If I'm not careful, I can still be prone to eating to excess. I'm not 100% "there" yet.
OP, I would strongly suggest you get your daughter to a medical professional, yes - but also a therapist. It's very possible there are underlying psychological reasons that she eats the way she does.
Talking to your child about making better food choices isn't "shaming". And I'll refer to my above post for the rest.
I'm not saying to NOT discuss making better food choices. But making someone feed bad about their food choices is totally counter to developing a healthy attitude towards food.
I don't believe in coddling children to think EVERY SINGLE DECISION they make is a good one worth considering, so don't misunderstand my point. A child absolutely should be made to feel bad for decisions counter to basic ethics, such as stealing, lying, hurting others, and so forth. Guilt and shame, depending on the culture, are necessary to ensure people (generally) behave well towards one another.
But when it comes to something like food and body image, guilt and shame shouldn't be a part of the equation at all. Being fat and eating a bit too much are not moral/ethical decisions that impact or hurt others. They're simply lapses in judgment or, more often, less-than-ideal ways of dealing with negative emotions or a sense of lacking control. Shame and guilt are not healthy things to use to encourage positive decisions that have no moral or ethical weight. Being shamed for my weight certainly did nothing to encourage me to change my ways. In fact, it was when I STOPPED viewing my actions as moral failings, and began to understand what I was doing and stopped shaming and berating myself for it, that I was able to begin making better decisions for myself.7 -
I can't say what you should do, but I can tell you what my mom did when I was a fat 12-18 year old. Yearly diets. offered me bribes to not be fat anymore (like the dog I had wanted all my life). She signed me up for LA Weight Loss (sorta like weight watchers). Made me feel awful for deciding to have seconds or a cookie, which caused guilt spiral binges whenever she wasn't around.
You're not my mom, you're here seeking advice which shows you care. I now wish I'd had counselling, beyond a doctor addressing the weight problem, I needed a counselor because I was fat from emotional troubles I surely didn't talk to my mother about.7 -
For what it's worth, OP, I absolutely love how you are approaching this with your daughter. Just keep doing what you are doing. If her over-eating is any sort of compensation for emotional issues, or if she would LIKE to refuse food when she is out with friends or with family but doesn't know how to be skillful about it, I think your approach may also help her see you as someone who she could talk to about this. If you can enlist her dr as a resource, too, that would be awesome if that person is as respectful with your daughter as you are.3
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RavenLibra wrote: »Give a kid a reason to move and they will move.
This worked great for me as a kid when my mom would chase me with the wooden spoon.
OP: I agree that your family physician is the best place to start.0 -
Anyone see the article this morning about research that found telling your child she's fat makes her more likely to overweight as an adult, while talking about food choices didn't have that same result. Even normal-weight children, told they were fat as kids, were more likely to be obese as adults.
Their recommendation was to model good eating and physical fitness in the home, and not single out one child as "the fat one that needs talking to." Don't have things in the house that everyone can eat except the fat kid. Eat well as a family and let your kids see you making good choices every single day.
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/27270419
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snickerscharlie wrote: »RavenLibra wrote: »Give a kid a reason to move and they will move.
This worked great for me as a kid when my mom would chase me with the wooden spoon.
OP: I agree that your family physician is the best place to start.
Memories ...
Though in my case I was watching my friend's mother chase her with one.
Agree with the 2nd part, and kind of with one part of peleroja's post: nothing wrong with saying things like, "we've had a large lunch/a bunch of snacks/a big dessert, so let's have a smaller dinner" and similar. Introduce the idea that if you indulge a bit, you should then reign yourself in without making it about her.2 -
No one has addressed this yet, but you've said that you've become a "junk food nazi" and that she is choosing to get junk food outside the house.
It's possible that your attitude about junk food has given it a special status in her mind - perhaps a form of rebellion because teenagers will be teenagers.
Maybe, if you take the power of junk food out of the equation, your daughter may be more successful.
I've thought about that also in the past and the best decision I've come to so far is to be honest with my daughter and also value my health. I've told her the truth that it is hard for me to resist sugary treats and therefore I don't keep them in the house. It's a decision I've made for my health. Outside of our house is a different matter. We will sometimes go out for ice cream as a treat. She'll order a double chocolate cookie dough blizzard, beg for a large, only be allowed a medium (just like her sister) and I'll choose a hot fudge sundae because that's only 350 calories and much less calories than most blizzards. We were at a birthday party last weekend. I ate a piece of birthday cake and a small scoop of ice cream. She ate 2 pieces of cake along with ice cream. I don't ever to make her feel bad for eating what she does. I was a chunky, self-conscious kid growing up watching my own mother struggle with weight loss and I would love to break the cycle with my daughter.
I don't want to be harsh here, but if that's how she's eating, she probably should feel bad for eating it. There is absolutely nothing wrong with treats in moderation but that kind of quantity is not moderation and it's setting her up for a lifetime as a obese adult. You don't have to be cruel about it but I think it's vital that you make her aware that eating like that is not appropriate or healthy. Downing two pieces of cake with ice cream or a huge blizzard on the regular isn't a good thing. It's fine to indulge once in a while and everyone overeats sometimes, but it's thinking that those kind of portions are acceptable and typical that is a problem.
You think a 14 year old should start feeling guilt and shame over her food choices?! This is not an adult. This is a child. This is the time when young girls especially are most vulnerable to harmful attitudes around eating, the kind that cement themselves in their brain and evolve into bad eating habits as an adult.
Haven't you seen the adults here struggling with feeling guilt and shame and panic over messing up one day because they overate? You really want that to be the struggles of this child?
Not "shame", but yes, absolutely, a little guilt over eating massive quantities of sweets regularly, especially as this kid doesn't seem to realize that it's not something people should do. I don't know if I'm from bizarro-world or what, but that kind of eating isn't good for anyone and it is something that should make you go "I shouldn't have done that." I don't think it should be "you're a bad person because you overeat garbage food all the time," but guilt is the way that people (including children) learn to stop doing things they shouldn't. If my kid skips school, yes, I want them to feel guilty about it. If they are overeating consistently, then yes, maybe a little guilt isn't a bad thing. I'm not advocating being harsh here but I think this whole mentality of "don't ever criticize your child's food choices or you'll ruin their eating for life!" is absolutely bonkers. Telling a fourteen year old "Hey, honey, that was really a lot of dessert after all that other food we had at the party - maybe next time keeping it to one piece of cake would be a good idea," isn't child abuse.
I dunno...I grew up in a house where my mom was always pretty good at telling me "okay, I know you love salt and vinegar chips and all, but a small bowl is lots," or "You had a bagel for breakfast and Subway for lunch, so maybe let's not make a huge bowl of mashed potatoes and garlic bread for dinner," Some kids regulate their food choices just fine, but for those who don't, how the heck are they ever going to learn about eating properly if we don't teach them?
I'm not really a fan of this idea that telling a child that they aren't making good choices is a terrible idea that's going to destroy them forever. I mean, yes, do it with love, do it with sensitivity, don't be condescending or angry or anything, but if parents are now expected to raise their children without telling them to cool it on the sugary snacks because too much of them makes you fat, I really don't know what to say.
And as for "evolving into bad eating habits as an adult", you think letting this kid eat like this is NOT giving her bad eating habits? She already has them, and continuing like this is only going to make it worse. This is why developed countries now have more people overweight or obese than not. Telling a kid she's eating too much junk food is not going to automatically give her an eating disorder. I don't understand this even a little bit.
I know this is an unpopular opinion but when I read stuff like this I just want to bang my head against the wall. We have an obesity crisis, and being afraid to even mention food choices, much less educate your kids properly on how to keep themselves healthy, is not solving the problem.
You are creating a false dichotomy to fuel your argument. The options aren't "make her feel guilt over her food choices" or "do absolutely nothing and allow things to continue as they are", as evidenced by the myriad of opinions in this thread.
You say that your parents were good at this, but honestly, this post is an argument against the choices your parents made. You know why? Because you shouldn't feel guilt over overeating for a day. If that's truly how you feel if you have two slices of cake at a birthday party, then your ideas of food are warped as well. A healthy attitude towards food is not based in guilt or self-criticism, but comfort and self-love. Understanding why you made a choice, accepting it, and adjusting for the future - not feeling guilt over food. This is true of children and adults both, but children in particular are vulnerable and looking to their authority figures for guidance on how to see their bodies and choices.
In your head, you've equated making someone feel guilt and shame for eating unhealthily with education, love, and any corrective measures at all. This makes sense given the history you just gave us, but that's not normal. You can educate without guilt. You can adjust without shame. It's a bit distressing to talk to someone who really can't see that.
Edit: And this ignores how emotional and self-critical girls are at that age. I was overweight at that age. You know what I remember? Every time someone made me feel guilt for my food choices. You know what made me commit to losing weight? Letting go of that guilt and working to love myself instead of listen to the critical voices that had cemented themselves in my head from people like you that think it's appropriate to push guilt and shame onto children - the voices saying why bother, you're already fat, you've screwed up too much to fix it, you'll always be fat, you can never eat "right" enough to cancel out all the crushing guilt from eating badly, etc etc etc. Not because people were saying those terrible things to me, but because "healthy guilt" is not healthy in children because it warps so quickly into those monologues in your head since you're already so self-critical and self-conscious and vulnerable and are not yet old enough to process it effectively.
Are you kidding? If you're using food for comfort, that's a HUGE problem IMO.
I've never been technically overweight, I don't have an eating disorder, and I use food as fuel, not comfort and not as a way to love myself. I don't have emotions about it, generally speaking. If I overeat at a party or something I say to myself "Well, that was dumb and you're going to have a crappy run tomorrow because of it, so maybe think about that next time." I'm talking a little bit of guilt here, not a big emotional upheaval. Maybe I'm misunderstanding what you mean by the word, because I just don't understand why feeling a little bad about a bad choice I made about food is any worse than feeling a little guilty about spending too much on a pair of shoes or about being late to meet someone because I was annoyed with my hair or something. It's okay to feel a little bit of negative emotion sometimes in my world, especially if it's going to deter me from making more bad decisions in the future.
My parents raised a kid who doesn't have food issues - I ended up on MFP while I was in university and bartending and not taking great care of myself, which caused me to put on about 25 lbs (about 3 years ago now), which I've since lost and picked up running, strength training, etc. - so I really don't think it's fair to tell me that my attitude isn't effective. I have healthy habits, I eat well most of the time, and I don't beat myself up when I go hogwild on the ice cream or whatever but I don't think it's okay or desirable either when I don't, you know?
I'm out of here, as I'm not going to change anyone's mind and they're definitely not going to change mine, but I wanted to offer something a little less-echo-chamber-y to this discussion as I really don't think this tiptoeing attitude is helpful, honestly. And it breaks my heart that so many kids spend their whole lives overweight because their families don't do something a little more direct about it.3 -
Having raised my daughter, I can tell you that it is as simple as "Do as I do, not as I say."3
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I also think that you, op, are doing a fine job. You have communication and openness on the subject, and that's important. Keep doing that. I also support not bringing junk home. Did that with my kids too, lead by example. My son loves sweets, and that's how i was growing up. They had an enormous power over me my whole life. My daughter did developed an eating disorder few yers ago, and that was because of some insensitive adults comments. She was taking medication that increased an appetite and gained some weight. But then it span out of control, she became bulimic and was starving herself. Be careful, it is , like you've said, a very thin line. She's fine now, became vegan, but told me that she feels like if she started counting calories now, things can go back. So good luck, keep on talking to her, be kind, don't criticize, offer support, be involved. All the things you're doing already.1
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I had this weird thing happen to me when I was 14. I was at an event with a friend and crawling on my knees (don't remember why). She came up to me, and clapped her hands, one on my back and one on my tummy and said "you're so skinny" (in a nice way). I guess she was projecting her weight issues a little, but it bothered me. In fact, I think that was the first time I actually really thought about my weight and afterwards, I started gaining.
It's not her fault, but I can tell you my 14 year old brain sure was weird. So I honestly don't know how to address your concerns.
Has your daughter actually asked you for help to lose weight or are you asking her if she wants to? They're two different things... and I think it still needs to come from her.
Also... maybe she's overeating on junk food because there isn't a "controlled" amount in her house available to her to make it less interesting when she goes out. Perhaps that is something you can deal with yourself - letting junk food in the house. I understand it may be hard for you, but it's something you'll likely have to deal with sooner or later. So if it's a reason she's overeating on that stuff outside the house, maybe sooner is the better option.1 -
Are you kidding? If you're using food for comfort, that's a HUGE problem IMO.
That's not what I meant at all. In fact, I didn't even say that - I said "a healthy attitude towards food is based in comfort", as in being comfortable with yourself and comfortable with your choices, not fearful or guilty about them. I can see how it would be read that way but that wasn't what I meant in the least. I can see that you harp on this misreading multiple times in your comment so I'll let you go back and re-think before responding to the rest of this.7 -
This might come from me watching too much of 'my 600 lbs life' lately... BUT - most of those people started really getting big in the high school years...they were already chubby, they were teased, and they just accepted the 'big girl' or 'big guy' role. Their families 'didn't say anything in order to not hurt their feelings and just let them be happy and eat whatever they wanted'. However they were not happy and it formed horrible coping mechanism for dealing with stress. People here say kids that are told that they are overweight are more likely to be obese in adulthood...don't you think kids will be called that and much worse at school? There is no avoiding it. And as far as I'm concerned I think it's better to act sooner rather than later. It has to be done in a positive way...less restricting and more activity. And for everyone here that are worried about kid developing eating disorder if faced with her weight issue - don't you think that overeating and eating when you are not hungry is not an eating disorder? It is not a normal eating habit.5
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As someone who just graduated from high school, and am still kinda in the same age range as your daughter, here's my two cents.
I was over weight at 14, and with calorie counting, got myself from 185 to 167 pounds while standing at 5'9". I then stopped counting and four years later, when I checked again, I was at 215 at 5'11". Calorie counting worked for me, but I gave myself a generous total calories, because at 14, and even today, I'm still growing, so I had to be careful.
The important thing though, was that I was the one choosing to lose weight both times. I hated how I looked, and how I couldn't sleep, or run as long as I wanted to, and then I started to lose weight. But it was my decision. My parents are incredibly supportive of that decision, but it was still mine to make, not my parents.
Also, there is so much food at school. This week I had crepes one day and a cookie the next. I also turned down freezies, chips, pizza, cupcakes, pop, more cookies, and nachos. All of those were actually offered to me within the past week.
Also, I tend to eat a lot of junk food with friends. I'll hang out with my best friend, who is a thin but emotional eater, and I'll have needed to work out enough calories to hang out with him. My other friends love ice cream and cheesy pastas, and parties have a lot of sugar. I don't know if your daughter drinks or not (no judgement) but alcohol also has a lot of calories.
During exams and tests and midterms and friend drama, it is so easy to turn to food. And it's easy to do it with alarming frequency. She has to learn other ways of stress management. I like guitar and running and baths. But it took me a while to learn that.
Also, I would encourage the notion of savouring her food. The crepes I had two days ago were the best I'd ever had, even though I know for a fact I've eaten better crepes. A snack size strawberry cheesecake blizzard is plenty of you eat it while actually enjoying it. Learning how to savour food was my biggest help, because now I eat less, but enjoy it more.
Sorry that's a bit of a tangent, but basically tl;dr version is it has to be her choice, I've had success with calorie counting but be careful because she could still be growing, food and friends may eat a lot of junk food, stress management can be done with things other than food, and savouring things makes them better.8 -
KorvapuustiPossu wrote: »This might come from me watching too much of 'my 600 lbs life' lately... BUT - most of those people started really getting big in the high school years...they were already chubby, they were teased, and they just accepted the 'big girl' or 'big guy' role. Their families 'didn't say anything in order to not hurt their feelings and just let them be happy and eat whatever they wanted'. However they were not happy and it formed horrible coping mechanism for dealing with stress. People here say kids that are told that they are overweight are more likely to be obese in adulthood...don't you think kids will be called that and much worse at school? There is no avoiding it. And as far as I'm concerned I think it's better to act sooner rather than later. It has to be done in a positive way...less restricting and more activity. And for everyone here that are worried about kid developing eating disorder if faced with her weight issue - don't you think that overeating and eating when you are not hungry is not an eating disorder? It is not a normal eating habit.
I don't think there's anyone here arguing that it should be ignored, just approached in a way that isn't "you're overweight and you need to lose weight". Plenty of ways to approach it that aren't based in what she shouldn't be
Overeating is not an eating disorder though.0 -
KorvapuustiPossu wrote: »This might come from me watching too much of 'my 600 lbs life' lately... BUT - most of those people started really getting big in the high school years...they were already chubby, they were teased, and they just accepted the 'big girl' or 'big guy' role. Their families 'didn't say anything in order to not hurt their feelings and just let them be happy and eat whatever they wanted'. However they were not happy and it formed horrible coping mechanism for dealing with stress. People here say kids that are told that they are overweight are more likely to be obese in adulthood...don't you think kids will be called that and much worse at school? There is no avoiding it. And as far as I'm concerned I think it's better to act sooner rather than later. It has to be done in a positive way...less restricting and more activity. And for everyone here that are worried about kid developing eating disorder if faced with her weight issue - don't you think that overeating and eating when you are not hungry is not an eating disorder? It is not a normal eating habit.
I don't think there's anyone here arguing that it should be ignored, just approached in a way that isn't "you're overweight and you need to lose weight". Plenty of ways to approach it that aren't based in what she shouldn't be
Overeating is not an eating disorder though.
Overeating alone is not classified as an eating disorder - however it is not normal eating habit. Someone who has a tendency to overeat without being hungry is not too far away from binge eating - and that is an eating disorder (included in DMS - 5 classification). I am not saying this girl in particular has it or will develop it. But someone who is overeating in controlled environment (at home) plus overindulging outside home whenever possible (extra cake and ice cream, begging mom for bigger portion)... could easily spiral out of control with the stress and emotions of teenage years. I do not know often and to what extent this happens but being 14, 5'3 and 180 lbs suggests a real issue here. I do not remember one kid being that big back when I was 14 and in school (I am from Europe so it might be different in other places). I agree that being too direct can have opposite effect, and this should be taken seriously. I would suggest getting her interested in sports or dance and get her excited about delicious healthy food choices. The decision to get healthier needs to come from her. Because at 14 she might still be a child but she has a mind of her own and a lot of time outside home where it's up to her to make choices for herself.
Also I checked the BMI for children and teens:
''Based on the height and weight entered, the BMI is 31.9, placing the BMI-for-age at the 98th percentile for girls aged 14 years. This child is obese and is likely to have health-related problems because of weight and should be seen by a healthcare provider for further assessment.''
Source: https://nccd.cdc.gov/dnpabmi/Calculator.aspx1 -
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Are you kidding? If you're using food for comfort, that's a HUGE problem IMO.
I've never been technically overweight, I don't have an eating disorder, and I use food as fuel, not comfort and not as a way to love myself. I don't have emotions about it, generally speaking. If I overeat at a party or something I say to myself "Well, that was dumb and you're going to have a crappy run tomorrow because of it, so maybe think about that next time." I'm talking a little bit of guilt here, not a big emotional upheaval. Maybe I'm misunderstanding what you mean by the word, because I just don't understand why feeling a little bad about a bad choice I made about food is any worse than feeling a little guilty about spending too much on a pair of shoes or about being late to meet someone because I was annoyed with my hair or something. It's okay to feel a little bit of negative emotion sometimes in my world, especially if it's going to deter me from making more bad decisions in the future.
My parents raised a kid who doesn't have food issues - I ended up on MFP while I was in university and bartending and not taking great care of myself, which caused me to put on about 25 lbs (about 3 years ago now), which I've since lost and picked up running, strength training, etc. - so I really don't think it's fair to tell me that my attitude isn't effective. I have healthy habits, I eat well most of the time, and I don't beat myself up when I go hogwild on the ice cream or whatever but I don't think it's okay or desirable either when I don't, you know?
I'm out of here, as I'm not going to change anyone's mind and they're definitely not going to change mine, but I wanted to offer something a little less-echo-chamber-y to this discussion as I really don't think this tiptoeing attitude is helpful, honestly. And it breaks my heart that so many kids spend their whole lives overweight because their families don't do something a little more direct about it.
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And the bolded bit is why I think you will never understand/change your mind. I don't think unless you have ever been properly overweight or a chubby teenager that you can ever truly understand the emotional turmoil it can cause in a society such as western ones, especially if you are a teenager.
The problem with teenagers is that you never know what they are up to. I would skip breakfast, have no lunch and go to make a small sandwich a little while before dinner and would get in trouble from my Mum for ruining my dinner and for always eating (I don't think in retrospect that she meant that, she was just frustrated because she was cooking a nice dinner). So I would interpret that as me being a fat greedy pig, throw the sandwich away, eat less than half my dinner and go to my room and do 200 situps, 100 push ups and 200 squats.
I think you are a good Mum for trying to help, sounds like she might be beginning to find her own way.
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Thank you for supporting her during this. I have been heavy my entire life and no one taught me about nutrition and calories and why they were important. Even at school, they breezed over it. They simply forced me into a gym or forced me to eat different than the other kids I was with (even on vacations) which alienated me.
I remember once being about 12 years old and I was incredibly overweight. My dad, who I spent little time with, would take us to the beach each year. Everyone in our group would order pizza while i was forced to eat a turkey sandwich on multigrain bread with lettuce and tomato. I've not once in my life like multi grain bread, or lettuce and tomato on a sandwich. It was embarrassing because I knew why he was doing it and so did the other kids (they bullied me about my weight after this) so I'd sneak off to eat the bad stuff. My entire family every single day harped on my weight.
I eventually dealt with all of the issues I had with food so teaching her these things now are so important. Even now I struggle, but I realize I do much better if I balance. If I take a day a week and eat a little bit of the bad stuff, i'm fine the rest of the week eating the good stuff. I've allowed myself to reach a weight that is just terrible and i've done some yoyoing but I'm learning this balance now.
I think it's extremely important that you support her and teach her about balance (just basing this on my own experience of course). Maybe try to do fun exercise stuff. I recently did a Glo Run 5k. We got all gussied up in glow in the dark stuff, 80s themed, and paint and had a great time. We are doing the color run next. They are fun so they are more motivating!
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You sound like you're trying to go about this the right way - with love and sensitivity. But to a teenager, even things said with love can sound awful. My mother spent YEARS telling me in a concerned voice that I was overweight and it would only get worse, and people would treat me badly.
All that happened was it became a self-fulfilling prophecy. She said I would get fatter, so I did. I accepted that I would always be the fat kid, and it got worse and worse, just as she said.
The only thing that will make your daughter lose weight is herself. I didn't lose a single pound until *I* decided it was time to change. All the years of my mum trying to help just meant I became really sneaky at hiding what I was eating, and gorged myself when I had the chance, even if I wasn't hungry.
The best you can do is continue to set a good example, and hope she follows it. It may take some time, but one day the lightbulb might go off for her and she'll be fully on board.2 -
My 14 yr old daughter is 5'3" and 180 lbs. She is very self conscious about her size. She has struggled with this most of her life but has gotten more over-weight than usual over the last year. I've tried everything I can think of to help her. We have discussed good nutrition. I keep very little junk food in the house. I've even gotten rid of sugary cereals. She isn't active in sports but we try to go for evening walks when our schedules permit and she takes a zumba class once or twice a week. I really don't want her counting calories because I'm worried at her age that she could easily get obsessed with it. Any positive suggestions would be very appreciated.
Hi
Just a suggestion from out in left field here. Get a complete physical with a complete blood workup to check levels such as Thyroid and blood Sugars. It is better to know things are OK.
Good Luck
Roger3 -
Dr. Appointment and allergy testing. My nieces have found same major allergy issues causing them to gain weight. After finding out what their allergies were, they worked with a nutritionist who helped them work through specifics. Wish we would've started earlier. Main one for both of them was wheat. Changes from diet have helped them both lose around 100lbs each. Well worth the $ and time.
Hi
Interesting, I would never have thought that food allergies could cause weight gain. Thank You for the Information.
Roger0 -
As someone who just graduated from high school, and am still kinda in the same age range as your daughter, here's my two cents.
I was over weight at 14, and with calorie counting, got myself from 185 to 167 pounds while standing at 5'9". I then stopped counting and four years later, when I checked again, I was at 215 at 5'11". Calorie counting worked for me, but I gave myself a generous total calories, because at 14, and even today, I'm still growing, so I had to be careful.
The important thing though, was that I was the one choosing to lose weight both times. I hated how I looked, and how I couldn't sleep, or run as long as I wanted to, and then I started to lose weight. But it was my decision. My parents are incredibly supportive of that decision, but it was still mine to make, not my parents.
Also, there is so much food at school. This week I had crepes one day and a cookie the next. I also turned down freezies, chips, pizza, cupcakes, pop, more cookies, and nachos. All of those were actually offered to me within the past week.
Also, I tend to eat a lot of junk food with friends. I'll hang out with my best friend, who is a thin but emotional eater, and I'll have needed to work out enough calories to hang out with him. My other friends love ice cream and cheesy pastas, and parties have a lot of sugar. I don't know if your daughter drinks or not (no judgement) but alcohol also has a lot of calories.
During exams and tests and midterms and friend drama, it is so easy to turn to food. And it's easy to do it with alarming frequency. She has to learn other ways of stress management. I like guitar and running and baths. But it took me a while to learn that.
Also, I would encourage the notion of savouring her food. The crepes I had two days ago were the best I'd ever had, even though I know for a fact I've eaten better crepes. A snack size strawberry cheesecake blizzard is plenty of you eat it while actually enjoying it. Learning how to savour food was my biggest help, because now I eat less, but enjoy it more.
Sorry that's a bit of a tangent, but basically tl;dr version is it has to be her choice, I've had success with calorie counting but be careful because she could still be growing, food and friends may eat a lot of junk food, stress management can be done with things other than food, and savouring things makes them better.
Thanks Mccokat! It really helps hearing from people closer in age to my daughter. You totally nailed something. She probably does need to learn stress management. She deals with a lot of friend and family drama and it gets to her. Congrats on what you have accomplished! You must be so proud of yourself. I really appreciate you posting your thoughts.
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As someone who was overweight in my teens/early twenties (I'm now 27), I can tell you that the worst thing my mom ever did was have a third-party intervene. I was seeing a therapist at the time (for anxiety issues) and one day she "casually" brought up my weight and that I should think about exercising - not in the context of the issues we spoke about. It KILLED me. I remember hating my mom for that. I KNEW I was overweight nor did I like the way my body looked, but until I made the conscious decision to do something about it nothing was going to change that. Your daughter also knows she is overweight. I think the best thing you can do is to make a doctor's appointment for an annual physical - if she is truly overweight, her doctor should express concern. Setting an example for her through your own eating and exercise habits is also a plus. Maybe try encouraging doing things together like going for walks, making a healthy meal together, etc. As others have said - "do as I do, not as I say" is the motto.3
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Seeing a doctor for annual check up, not specifically set up for weight issues, helped my son to realize that he needed to make changes. He was younger, maybe 10 then.They had a chat about good and bad choices, healthy range of weight, etc. He became more aware, even though i always tried to instill and reinforce good habits, but somehow his opinion made a difference. He liked our doctor though. Gave up soda, eat better. And as a family we have progressed too, now my kids are proud advocates for healthy, clean eating.1
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You mention in your post that she doesn't participate in sports. I grew up not doing any sports, not liking sports, not wanting to be bad at sports, etc. It took me until I was 35 to think of myself as athletic. What about doing a couch to 5k with her? I had to learn that it was ok to keep going when I started to feel tired, for example. That was actually huge for me, to learn to push myself physically. Walking is good, but it would be cool if she could discover her inner athlete. Maybe she'll get it in zumba, but my personal experience was that having a specific goal like a race you've already signed up for is a bigger motivator. Then you can watch 5k times improve. There are some great programs online if this is of interest.
The other big recommendations I've found made the biggest difference for me were to get smaller plates (we have fiestaware luncheon plates) and fill half the plate with veggies at each meal. I like all of these changes because they are all positive. The words "no" or "less" doesn't occur anywhere.3 -
streamgirl wrote: »You mention in your post that she doesn't participate in sports. I grew up not doing any sports, not liking sports, not wanting to be bad at sports, etc. It took me until I was 35 to think of myself as athletic. What about doing a couch to 5k with her? I had to learn that it was ok to keep going when I started to feel tired, for example. That was actually huge for me, to learn to push myself physically. Walking is good, but it would be cool if she could discover her inner athlete. Maybe she'll get it in zumba, but my personal experience was that having a specific goal like a race you've already signed up for is a bigger motivator. Then you can watch 5k times improve. There are some great programs online if this is of interest.
The other big recommendations I've found made the biggest difference for me were to get smaller plates (we have fiestaware luncheon plates) and fill half the plate with veggies at each meal. I like all of these changes because they are all positive. The words "no" or "less" doesn't occur anywhere.
We actually started the C2K program about 2 years ago during the summer. We had to stop when she started back at school because she had to be at the bus stop at 6:30 each morning. Evenings were too chaotic to try. Later that year I was diagnosed with a heart condition that ended my jogging. So far she does love zumba which I'm grateful for. She also has a dr appt set for next month.Thanks for your suggestions. 0 -
I hope this comes across okay.
Are you overweight? Kids model habits, including eating habits.
When you say you don't keep junk in the house, I don't know what that means, but maybe you could step it up. Go to the next healthy level, whatever that means to you.
Do not give her any money. Pack lunch - lots of lunch- but only highly nutritious food.
Spend an hour or even half an hour exercising with her daily. Walk around, play YouTube exercise videos, etc.
Make health a high priority for your family. I agree that there also may be more serious issues that she might need to talk about.1 -
I would recommend as everyone else said to see her dr and discuss your concerns but I would also try to get her involved in something. My sister was always on the bigger side when we were in high school and she wasn't into sports but she started doing show choir and the lbs literally fell off! She lost over 50lbs the first year alone! It was amazing!
Swimming is also another sport that people don't tend to think of! If she doesn't find something that she likes then you may have to start walking or jogging with her. Show her by example!
Set goals together!
On another note.... Is she getting junk food from somewhere else? Do you think she traded lunches or is buying extra or something and you just aren't aware of it? I only say that because when I worked as a teachers aid, I saw so many children coming in with a packed lunch (Apple, crackers, and water) and trading it for someone's lunch that consisted of pizza, chips, and soda.
I hope you guys can get to the bottom of the issue because the older she gets the harder it will be for her to lose that weight. Good luck!!1 -
Thanks everyone. I guess my biggest concern is that no matter what I do, I can't make the decision to get healthy for her and she isn't making that decision herself. She complains about her high weight frequently. She is offered healthy food at home but when she is out of the house she loads up on junk food (raw cookie dough, cookies, chips, pizza, sweet tea, soda). I was thin most of my adult life but gained 20 lbs 3 years ago and have been a junk food natzi since. If it's in the house then I will eat it so it isn't allowed in my house. She has watched me make exercise and good heath a priority and seen me lose the weight. She has been in health classes. We have had multiple conversations over the years about good eating habits, portion control, exercise. I started becoming obsessed with counting calories and had to reign myself back in and I was open and honest with her about that. She knows that is one of the reasons I don't want her to start counting calories either. I honestly think she believes if she finds a way to get enough exercise in then she can keep eating what she wants and I keep telling her that isn't the way it works. Btw, my daughter is very stubborn if you couldn't tell so far.
I would recommend not doing this. If she likes to exercise, I think you guys are onto something here. Encourage and support her as much as you can, and at the very least she's forming some terrific habits for life. If she ever wonders why the exercise alone isn't causing the pounds to melt off, you could then gently explain that health needs to be addressed from so many different angles with being not necessarily being any more important than the other.
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I heard about sparksteen it might help her1
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If only I knew then what I know now. Knowledge is empowering. Give her the tools to be healthy. Knowing how to manage your weight is one major factor no one taught me when I was a teenager, and THAT'S what gave me an eating disorder. Also, counseling. There's a very strong possibility there's an emotional component to her over eating.
GL2
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