The Motivation to Really Change

I’ve been thinking about why so many people ask for help motivating themselves and how my own “motivation” fits into my weight loss success.

I read a lot of posts by women looking for motivation. There are entire threads devoted to this topic. I also read posts from folks looking for “accountability buddies.” They want someone to hold them accountable and they want to hold someone else accountable? Do they not want to hold themselves accountable? Are they unable to do this? Do I hold myself accountable? I dunno. It sounds so harsh, as though I just got caught doing something shameful and am about to get a spanking. You are accountable for your failures. Your sins. Geeze.

Why have you signed up for MFP? Maybe you’ve tried every diet out there and nothing has ever worked….wait a minute. That’s not exactly true, is it? All the diets worked, or almost worked, or would have worked if you had stuck with them. I did Weight Watchers a few times, always lost 18 pounds, always gave up. From lack of motivation? I did low-carb and I lost weight but in all seriousness? No bread? Forget it! Good old calorie counting? Yep. I am always coming across old journals with pages full of calorie counts. I even tried the "Writing Diet!" Did the diets fail? No. Did I fail? Did I quit because I wasn’t motivated enough? I suppose that could be the reason. Not motivated enough. Not wanting it enough. Failing. Failing again. And again. And then the inevitable self loathing. Punishing. I’m a failure. I’m fat. I’ll always be fat. Food controls me. Food controls my life.

I’ve written before about the many years of therapy that helped me learn to love myself. You know, love yourself at any size. Acceptance. Loving what you have. Starting with who you are. I did. I do. And I have finally lost weight. If I had continued to beat myself up it wouldn’t have happened. Or, it would have happened and I would be mad as hell, poised on the edge about to fall back into a vat of cream filling.

This time is different. It feels completely different. New. Fresh. There’s a large space in my chest full of completely clear water. I feel clean. I feel honest. I know what to do to keep myself from gaining it all back. I have learned new skills. I am “disciplined” and I hold myself “accountable” to MFP. I have educated myself about nutrition and movement. I have made dancing and swimming a regular part of my life. I record my food religiously and I am busy ignoring the voice in my head that’s saying Hey! You’ve lost 89 pounds!! You are maintaining your weight, like a pro! You can eat normally now. You know how many calories are in everything. You can just relax and stop all this food logging. How dreary. Who wants to do that forever? You’ll be okay. You can keep track in your head. You are NORMAL now.

No. I am not “normal.” I do not self-regulate. I never have. I have accepted this about myself. It is not a failure. It is what it is. So I am busy shutting that voice down. The old voice. The let’s just give up now voice. The I’m angry because I want Pop Tarts! voice. I’m angry because I want a huge cheeseburger and a mountain of fries. Every. Single. Day. I’m angry because two pieces of pie are not enough. I’m angry because there will never, ever be ENOUGH food in my mouth. I’m angry because I can’t eat the way I did when I was a little girl, a teenager. I don’t WANT to diet! I don’t care! Leave me the hell alone!!

Was this a lack of motivation? No. This was a sort of desperation. This was feeling powerless, even though I loved myself. Even though everything was lining up perfectly in my life. And then?

I crashed. Bottomed out. Major Bipolar Depression. Terrifying. And everything went to pot. Quite literally. When I came out the other side I was heavier than I’d ever been. And then I gained even more. I ballooned up to 270 lbs. I was out of breath. I was sweaty. My body hurt. Joints. Muscles. Feet. And I was having trouble wiping my own *kitten*. That may have been the moment of truth. Or realizing and being very embarrassed that I was, as my husband said, “talking about my double chin to anyone who would listen.”

And then I just DID it--I didn't wait until the next week to "start fresh." I didn't give myself a few days to get ready. I started the next morning. And I knew it was forever. Forever and forever. It is the rest of my life. It’s not a “diet” or a diet plan. It’s not a fad. It’s not a ridiculous attempt to fool myself or my body into “sneaking” my way around the truth—calories. CI=CO. It is just food. It is just EATING. It is what I will do the rest of my life because it feels really awesome to wipe my own *kitten*, to zip up the stairs, to only lose my breath with great effort. To fit into size 14 jeans (somehow!). To show my LEGS! To have “sit bones” so that I can sit in a hard chair without DYING.

So, yeah. I had/have plenty of motivation. But this weight loss didn’t just “happen.” It was a process. I saw a nutritionist and a food counselor. I began therapy again. Little by little I made changes that made it possible for me to BEGIN MFP and be successful. My motivation was to FEEL BETTER. Period. It wasn’t about looks. It wasn’t about getting attention. I didn’t pressure myself to lose by Xmas or my birthday, or whenever. I knew better than to try to lose quickly and I didn’t even go there. I set it at 1 pound a week and just dove in. I ate every single calorie and then some. I ate ALL of my exercise calories. I never second guessed myself and cut my calories so I would lose faster or to punish myself for gaining a pound. I simply ate. Whatever I wanted. Not all of it all of the time, but everything I wanted. I worked it out. Recently I had this thing about Pop Tarts. I was obsessed, you know? So, as my counselor had suggested, I just made them part of my plan. And you know what? I’m pretty much over them now. I give myself permission to eat. What I want. Real food. Nothing is “bad.” Nothing is off limits. And that’s all there is to it.

What motivates you? A wedding dress? A class reunion? A friend who just lost 100 lbs.? A doctor who told you you must lose weight? A husband or boyfriend or wife or girlfriend or life partner who is pressuring you to shape up? The diet culture hurling miracles and magic tricks all day long? Or do you want to feel better? Are you willing to lose the weight slowly so you have a fighting chance of keeping it off? (Do the research. Most people gain the weight back, esp. if lost quickly. Don’t set yourself up to fail.)

If you have come to MFP and know, deep down KNOW that you are not willing to muster up the motivation to CHANGE YOUR LIFE, then I urge you to find out why. Because if you don’t change your life you will most likely fail. All across America, and all around the world actually, there are fat people looking for a way to become thin. An easy way. A quick way. But the truth is that most people don't not stick to diets and do not lose weight. The truth is that people who do lose a lot of weight like I have will gain at least some of that weight back. Many will gain all of it back and then pile on even more. I have done this in the past. Now I have researched what I need to do to keep this weight off and I have accepted that MFP will always be a part of my life.

So if you’re looking for motivation, if you JUST STARTED and already have that feeling that you’re going to give up, figure out WHY. Why are you here? Why do you want to lose weight? Do you believe it’s going to be really, really hard and awful and you won’t be able to eat anything you love and you just can’t wait until it’s over? Are you angry already? Well let me tell you something—It’s not “awful” and “hard.” You don’t have to “kill yourself” and it doesn’t have to be an uphill struggle. You most especially do not have to STARVE. I’m here to tell you that if you are motivated to really change your life, to see this as a new path, a new way of being, it will NOT be hard. It will be natural and almost easy most days. Does this mean that I haven’t struggled? Good lord, no. But overall, I have had an easy time of it. Because I have been KIND to myself. Because I have fed myself foods I love. Because I have never, EVER thought of this as temporary. Because this is forever. This is the rest of my life.

MFP is a powerful tool and it will work if you use it. Read the posts written by veterans. And read the posts by people who are back after having gained the weight back. These are often called “Back again.” If you aren’t ready to change your life, this will probably be you. You need to accept this. If this post rings true with you, then you know what I’m talking about. If you aren’t already motivated, invest in the time and effort to figure out WHY. Seek a counselor. Join a support group. Invest in yourself. Love yourself. Treat yourself with kindness and respect. No more beating yourself up. No more "I’ve been so bad this week." "I’ve overeaten so much I’m just starting over!" (I’ve never understood this one) No more self loathing. No more shame.

Find something that makes you want to change forever. Cause forever is all there is.

-rebecca