Single dad... Completely overwhelmed

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rushmermh
rushmermh Posts: 13 Member
in Getting Started
Hi, my name is Michael. I'm 44, and live in the Greater Binghamton area of Upstate NY. I've been married for 20 years, and separated for the last 3 and a half. I have custody of my 3 boys (17, 14, and 12 years old).

I live an incredibly stressful life. My wife is emotionally (and sometimes physically) abusive to our sons and me, and has been ever since we got married. Our boys are all on the autism spectrum and have other special needs ranging from moderate to severe.

I've been overweight since I was a boy, particularly following a history of sexual abuse. I am an emotional eater, often binging when depressed or anxious.

I realize that my introduction has been terribly negative to this point, but I want you to know that inside, I consider myself to be a positive and hopeful person. I want to gain control over my bad habits and improve my health, both for me and especially for my boys.

I look forward to hearing from some of you and possibly making some new friends. Thank you for reading!

Michael
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Replies

  • almostanangel21
    almostanangel21 Posts: 143 Member
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    Wow, that sounds like a handful! At least you only have three kids now instead of four. Glad to see you here taking steps towards getting healthy.

    Pardon me for being nosy, but have you talked to a therapist yet? Some of them will do Skype sessions for people who have a hard time actually making it in. It's tough to change a behavior without understanding it and having a path set out to deal with the underlying problem.
  • Wolfena
    Wolfena Posts: 1,570 Member
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    Hello & Welcome :)
    We all have our own set of "issues" - and we're all on this site with the same goal (healthier weight and improved relationship with food)
  • spring913
    spring913 Posts: 158 Member
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    You're a busy guy! I agree with PP that therapy is a good idea. They not only help with the emotional baggage but can give you strategies to manage life in general. Carve out some time for yourself every day, it will be beneficial to you and your boys. A healthy lifestyle will set the foundation for your kids to lead healthy lives. Can you walk as a family every night? I know change can be hard for some people on the spectrum, but a positive change like this will certainly be worth it.
  • DarrenKH
    DarrenKH Posts: 21 Member
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    Hi Michael, this does sound challenging, but I hear the optimism also, and you obviously have some kind of vision to getting on MFP and putting your story out there. What are your goals? As you seem to indicate, developing a habit (even one) can give you hope and positive momentum, and this will have a positive influence on the kids. What are they interested in, any physical activity, for example? I try to spend time with my kids (we have four, around same age as yours) and their activities, and most of the family does running or soccer at one point or another, though also the stresses of life make it hard to do as much as we would like. As others have mentioned, finding time with your boys may be crucial - eg. to consult about plans and goals. A good thing about MFP is that it is pretty effective at helping you lose weight which gives you a positive focus, and if you just decide to dedicate a few minutes several times daily to keep logging, that increases your awareness and motivation to stick to a plan. :/

    Most experts in habit development (if they are actually experts) suggest focusing on very few habits at a time, and I think that is helpful as it can be overwhelming to try to address everything at once. After making progress in one area, it's easier to start doing something in another. But at the same time I recently read that doing a number of positive changes at once can be effective, and a change in one area (eg. meditation or reflection of some kind) reinforces other areas, so I'm now tending towards finding several mutually-supportive habits to work on at the same time. This might be the kind of thing that some kind of counsellor could help with, but if you aren't into that, it's still something you can work on yourself and perhaps input from your family.
  • Trish1c
    Trish1c Posts: 549 Member
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    Small steps. Try "playing" with your kids. Can you all go for walks together? If you get them involved, this can end up being a family bonding activity.
  • leeshults
    leeshults Posts: 223 Member
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    I have found everyone on here to be supportive. We are here for you.....add me if you would like. :)
  • momofamadhouse
    momofamadhouse Posts: 197 Member
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    I have four boys (1-8). My oldest is on the spectrum and my second has SPD and Apraxia. I can't imagine how difficult day to day must be with three on the spectrum. Between therapies and Dr visits and school meetings it must seem almost impossible to take time to focus on yourself and your health. It certainly feels that way for me! But since I've started I have so much more energy and focus to give back to them, it's totally worth the effort. Welcome to the community, and good luck on your journey!
  • AngryGangrel
    AngryGangrel Posts: 37 Member
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    Hello and welcome, Michael! I think you'll find some tremendous support here, whether you have questions or just need a laugh after a hard day.

    Do you and your boys like Pokemon Go? It can be a fun way to get exercise, walking around together while looking for little digital critters!
  • rushmermh
    rushmermh Posts: 13 Member
    edited July 2016
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    Hi everyone. I'm surprised and humbled to have received such a warm welcome and such helpful and encouraging messages. I appreciate it more than you know.
  • lgregory6540
    lgregory6540 Posts: 63 Member
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    You signed up and are on here! Positive changes are already being made. Good luck in your new journey.
  • PaytraB
    PaytraB Posts: 2,360 Member
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    Welcome, Michael! You've got a winning attitude: small changes to develop new habits and a positive outlook on life in general.
    You're in the right place here. We're all supportive.
  • fitgirldc
    fitgirldc Posts: 55 Member
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    Hi Michael! You're such a strong man to get you and your sons out of a toxic situation. Sounds like you have been dealing with toxicity for a long time. Emotional eating didn't happen overnight, so don't ever beat yourself up if it takes a little while to overcome it, but you can do it! You're off to a good start. Welcome aboard!
  • whatever_46
    whatever_46 Posts: 18 Member
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    Hey, I know I am still very young but I have went through my fair share of hardships and I want to tell you that I am proud of you for taking a stand over your life. I also have struggled with trying to use food as an outlet by starving myself to the point of medical issues in the past. I am here to tell you that it won't necessarily be easy to overcome the urge to use food for emotional support but it CAN be done and I think you are strong enough to overcome it. We both have a great motivation because we have to do it for our kids! I was unwilling to seek any help until I became pregnant with my first son, and while it's not easy, it finally gave me the push to talk to a therapist. I'm happy that you have someone who you can trust that is on your side and will help you get better. Keep up the good work! MFP is glad to have you and glad to help you. I've found that people in the community here are very willing to support you so if you are having a bad day don't be afraid to ask someone on here for help. Good luck.
  • StealthHealth
    StealthHealth Posts: 2,417 Member
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    Hi Michael

    You've got a lot to contend with but I think the best advice I can give is the same as I would give to anyone:
    • Use MFP to find a sensible goal - don't aim for fast, aim for steady and achievable.
    • Weigh and measure your food - it's a major pain in the *kitten* when you start but you quickly get used to it.
    • Track everything you eat - same as above, it quickly becomes second nature.
    • Incorporate some of the food that you love (the type of stuff you might imagine you're not allowed?) into your weekly eating plan (within your calories).
    • Don't beat yourself up if you have the occasional slip up.
    • If possible, cut down on your food prep time by batch preparing meals.
    • You don't have to work out to lose weight and even if you choose to, it doesn't have to be long sessions at the gym - or even at a gym at all! Increasing your daily activity by walking more and driving less can have a massive positive effect.

    Best wishes
  • SavedByGrace26356
    SavedByGrace26356 Posts: 544 Member
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    Hi Michael:
    Sounds like you are ready to make a change. I was a single mother and would take my children to the park and we would kick around a ball and have a great time. I bought some tennis rackets at Goodwill and we would go to the local tennis court and chase the ball around the court. We were all tired by the time we got home but it was great exercise for me and my children. We would also go to the park and play basketball. These are just some ideas to get your children involved with your program. It will be great for all of you.

    Keep track of your food and remember you don't have to make your meals a big ordeal. Something simple like chicken and vegetables, salads, fruit, eggs, etc. the whole family will eat.

    Everyone here is willing to help and very supportive. Also, the success stories and photos are very inspiring and is something I look at everyday.

    The best to you and your children. I know you can do it!
  • ronjsteele1
    ronjsteele1 Posts: 1,064 Member
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    I highly recommend the book The Beck Diet Solution. She gives concrete things you can do on a daily basis to overcome emotional eating and make new habits. It is basically cognitive behavioral therapy at home. It has been a huge help to me. I got the recommendation off of here and I've been so thankful for it!
  • TinaGA2015
    TinaGA2015 Posts: 83 Member
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    You are brave! One day at a time. You have a lot on your plate, but three blessings in your boys! Lots of support here.
  • Dove0804
    Dove0804 Posts: 213 Member
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    rushmermh wrote: »
    I do have a therapist, who I trust and is very helpful to me. I have countless lifestyle changes that I need to make, but I am going to try to incorporate 1 or 2 positive changes at a time in order to develop new and better habits. For example, today I kept a food journal and went for a walk with my son - both of which I hadn't done in a long time.

    I'm thankful that I stumbled upon this app - I think it will really help me as I try to become a healthier and happier person.

    Hi Michael! It sounds like you're on the perfect path and have the right mindset.
    I particularly love your mention of incorporating small positive changes at a time.
    All of the times I've failed in the past, I tried to do too much at once. When I focused on my mental health and well-being in other aspects of my life, and decided to just take babysteps, I managed to finally end up taking strides. Getting started is the absolute hardest part.

    I believe you're going to do great. Even if you stumble- keep moving forward and try again. Each minute is a new minute and each day is a new day. There will be difficult times and that's okay- keep moving forward and someday you'll look back and be amazed at what you were able to accomplish just a little at a time.

    You've got this!
  • agbmom556
    agbmom556 Posts: 694 Member
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    Welcome. As a fellow parent, I understand the time constraints.
    My mornings and evenings are usually busy with kid activities and errands.
    The best time for my workouts are during my lunch period. It gives me a break during my work days and helps me focus. You may want to look at your weekly schedule and see what times you have available for yourself. Even taking a short 15min walk helps. :)
    Remember, its a journey.

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