Did your change in lifestyle affect your personal relationships?

EllieElla2015
EllieElla2015 Posts: 67 Member
in Health and Weight Loss
In my case, my relationship with my boyfriend is strained. He eats out daily, multiple times a day (not exaggerating). He skips breakfast usually but lunch and dinner is always eaten out or ordered via delivery. Ignore the fact that it's horribly expensive (average $80 per night on dinner alone) but it's also higher in calorie than what I would make myself. I don't really cook, so dinner for me is a sandwich or something which is okay for me but he looks at me as if I need "real food" and not a "flimsy sandwich". I don't know why he cares so much. Even if we have 10 days straight where I eat out with him, if I skip the 11th he says things like "it's literally just chicken, do you not eat anymore?" He loves sharing appetizers and small plates plus having two full entrees; one for each of us. It adds up! I used to not eat all day to have a really big dinner with him but then I'm left cranky all day.

For months we've been eating out every day, but today I'm starting to track my calories again and already we have a problem over it even though I've been eating out consistently with him literally since at least April.

When I tell him I'm no longer in my comfort zone (I don't mind floating between 130-145 pounds) he says he eats out normally and his body remains the same, as if that negates my personal experience with it.

Anyone have similar experiences? What happened?

Sorry for any typos, typing on my phone!
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Replies

  • JeromeBarry1
    JeromeBarry1 Posts: 10,179 Member
    POF.
  • elphie754
    elphie754 Posts: 7,574 Member
    No. Both of my current significant others have been amazingly supportive.
  • jdhcm2006
    jdhcm2006 Posts: 2,254 Member
    I don't like people who police what I eat. And your boyfriend is policing what you eat. You aren't a toddler and he isn't your parent, you can make your own decisions about your meals. It would be great if he supported you, but at the end of the day, you have to be the one to stand firm and say "no I'm not eating all of those calories at dinner" or "I'm only going to have an entree and not the extras bc it doesn't fit in my calories." Good luck.
  • Lounmoun
    Lounmoun Posts: 8,423 Member
    I've been married for 16 years and we have a teenager. My lifestyle didn't change much. My relationships are the same. My plate does not always look like dh's or dd's.
    I eat out one meal a week with my family. I cook dinner every day. I eat things that are low to no prep for other meals and snacks. I plan meals and I always did for financial reasons. There is no way we could afford eating out every day. I also enjoy cooking.
    I post recipes and my monthly meal plan on my blog. https://lounmoun.wordpress.com/
    I find food ideas on Pinterest a lot.
    Some other good places for food ideas:
    http://www.budgetbytes.com
    http://www.skinnytaste.com
    http://www.allrecipes.com
    http://www.kalynskitchen.com/

    This is stuff I typically eat:
    Breakfast- Greek yogurt, granola bars, cereal with milk, sandwich, dinner leftovers, fruit (about 200-300 calories)
    Lunch- sandwich, salad, or dinner leftovers (about 300-500 calories)
    Dinner- something different every night of the month. (about 500-600 calories) I have soup once a week usually which makes a lot of leftovers that freeze and reheat well.
    Snacks- things like fruit, chips, popcorn, pretzels, chocolate, cookies, granola bar, carrots, celery, broccoli, trail mix, deviled eggs, pickles, cottage cheese(about 100-300 calories)

    I know what fits my calorie goals pretty well by now at the restaurants we usually go to. I might get a regular single hamburger, a side salad with vinaigrette dressing and an unsweetened iced tea for example.

    You should probably work out some compromise on how often you will eat out together. If he wants to eat out every day he can do that. You don't have to. You aren't required to eat meals together to spend time together. Maybe you can plan a different activity to do together or go out for coffee instead of a full meal.
  • sunnybeaches105
    sunnybeaches105 Posts: 2,831 Member
    Maybe mention it to him rather than here? My wife and got fat together and we got fit together. We also drink together and workout together. That said, we haven't and don't always do those things at the same time. I don't get upset at her when she offers me ice cream, and she doesn't post on MFP when I take her to dinner or go to dinner with a client. Find a way to communicate with one who matters to you.
  • Wolfena
    Wolfena Posts: 1,570 Member
    edited July 2016
    Sounds like the two of you had a relationship that very much revolved around food and eating out.... just because you've decided it's time for you to change doesn't mean that he completely understands or agrees or even wants you to change. Sounds like you guys need to have a nice talk with each other about your desires and needs for the future because his may include a girlfriend who loves to eat out with him all the time- and if that person is not going to be you..... well, you know

    Or maybe he just needs you to tell him what he's supposed to do or not do, he's a guy! lol

    (& remember relationships are NOT all about you and what you want, they are about each other and sometimes that means compromise not only from him but you as well... and again the two of you may just have completely different expectations of what you want in a relationship, and maybe that sucks but sometimes it happens)
  • DebSozo
    DebSozo Posts: 2,578 Member
    Talk to your boyfriend in a serious conversation and explain your troubles. Once he knows how much it means to you, he will help.
  • sunnybeaches105
    sunnybeaches105 Posts: 2,831 Member
    dlkfox wrote: »
    sunnybeaches105 wrote: »
    Maybe mention it to him rather than here? My wife and got fat together and we got fit together. We also drink together and workout together. That said, we haven't and don't always do those things at the same time. I don't get upset at her when she offers me ice cream, and she doesn't post on MFP when I take her to dinner or go to dinner with a client. Find a way to communicate with one who matters to you.

    ... that you know of ....

    Bitterness isn't attractive
  • arditarose
    arditarose Posts: 15,573 Member
    My lifestyle change put a strain on my relationship...because all I cared about was food and lifting heavy things. And muscles.
  • STEVE142142
    STEVE142142 Posts: 867 Member
    DebSozo wrote: »
    Talk to your boyfriend in a serious conversation and explain your troubles. Once he knows how much it means to you, he will help.

    I agree with the post but here's the other part of the equation. A successful relationship is based on compromise. If he can't agree or respect your opinion then you have to reevaluate where you are. for any relationship to be successful, people have to compromise and respect the other person opinion as long as it doesn't violate their moral code.

    Based on what you said he sounds like a control freak or he's very insecure. One last thing to remember is that for your relationship to be successful you have to be happy and comfortable with yourself. If you're not happy and comfortable with yourself I hate to tell you this but the relationship is doomed.
  • Francl27
    Francl27 Posts: 26,371 Member
    Yes it did. I can't stand staying home all day anymore... got to move. He doesn't care. And eating out is a pain for me so sometimes we get frustrated finding a place.

    But I cook now so he's happy about that..
  • RosieRose7673
    RosieRose7673 Posts: 438 Member
    Not really. However, my taste in food is drastically different than my boyfriends. We eat out every so often but cook almost every day (well, he cooks). We just cook smaller portions for our separate foods and eat the left overs the next day.

    Like tonight. He's making fajitas for us. He wanted shrimp, I wanted chicken. We're making both and saving the leftovers.

    When eating out, it's not necessary to eat the same things. Why can't you guys enjoy each other's company while he's eating what he wants and you enjoy what you want (in moderation of course!).

    I agree with others. It's about compromise!
  • MorganMoreaux
    MorganMoreaux Posts: 691 Member
    Why is this such an issue for him? Legitimate question, I don't really understand. I usually eat differently than my husband. We eat together, but often different foods. If we do take out its not uncommon that I get something from one place and his dinner comes from another. We have different palates and it's not inconvenient to accommodate both our tastes. I'm primarily a vegetarian and he loves meat - I would feel horrible if he had to give that up.

    Would your boyfriend agree to a compromise where he gets take out for himself and you can make your dinner? You guys can have a nice romantic dinner at home that you're both happy with :)
  • hekla90
    hekla90 Posts: 595 Member
    Everyone here is so quick to judge him- you probably just need to have a serious dialogue. Sounds like this is a very recent change. It's obvious food is a huge part of his life something it sounds like you used to take part of and shared. With that gone he might just be missing being able to share that with you- crunch some numbers with him and find something else you guys can do that you enjoy. I'm a vegetarian so food mismatches are pretty common in relationships for me. Buuuut you'll have to chat with him to get to the bottom of it.
  • afatpersonwholikesfood
    afatpersonwholikesfood Posts: 577 Member
    edited July 2016
    Nope.

    My husband is still obese (I happily married him that way and don't expect him to change - that's entirely up to him), still very supportive, and we still go out to eat. A different, lighter dinner is fine when my calories left are low, but he would not be thrilled if that was happening consistently - he would also probably tell me that a sandwich did not constitute dinner. We do a mix of healthy/lower calorie with a side of portion control (for me) on other nights. I have still lost weight and continue to lose weight.

    Admittedly, I have a pretty poor view of the concept of eating separate meals from everyone else. Sometimes, it's the best way to hit your goals for the day, but I don't see how that is sustainable or enjoyable as a regular thing.

    Edited to add: Compromise is important on the parts of both people, though.
  • DebSozo
    DebSozo Posts: 2,578 Member
    edited July 2016
    EllieElla2015 wrote: »
    In my case, my relationship with my boyfriend is strained. He eats out daily, multiple times a day (not exaggerating). He skips breakfast usually but lunch and dinner is always eaten out or ordered via delivery. Ignore the fact that it's horribly expensive (average $80 per night on dinner alone) but it's also higher in calorie than what I would make myself.

    I don't really cook, so dinner for me is a sandwich or something which is okay for me but he looks at me as if I need "real food" and not a "flimsy sandwich". ...he says things like "it's literally just chicken, do you not eat anymore?" He loves sharing appetizers and small plates plus having two full entrees; one for each of us. It adds up! I used to not eat all day to have a really big dinner with him but then I'm left cranky all day.

    For months we've been eating out every day, but today I'm starting to track my calories again and already we have a problem over it even though I've been eating out consistently with him literally since at least April.

    When I tell him I'm no longer in my comfort zone (I don't mind floating between 130-145 pounds) he says he eats out normally and his body remains the same, as if that negates my personal experience with it.
    I read your post over and several things pop out at me. You don't weigh much and can use up your whole day's calories by eating one meal with your boyfriend. He doesn't like what you make (sandwiches) for dinner, so he eats out a lot. $80 dinners add up! Are you able to compromise at all with him? If you can't do something soon, then this will only get worse over time.

    My husband and I eat home almost every day. Sometimes we do go out but normally that is a special treat not a regular custom. But my sis in law, for instance, hates cooking and eats out a lot, so I do understand. My mother in law picks up precooked food at the supermarket so that she doesn't have to prepare it and can nuke it. Everyone has their preferences.

    It sounds that you just started tracking, and your boyfriend isn't used to your new meal changes. Use this time to talk over your hopes, dreams, and plans. See if he can help figure out a way to work with you. If he prefers them and can afford expensive eat out dinners now, maybe you could cut down your portions and take some back home with you? It sounds like you could easily gain weight if you don't do something quickly to figure out a solution.
  • SLLRunner
    SLLRunner Posts: 12,942 Member
    st476 wrote: »
    No offense, but your boyfriend seems like a jerk. Have an actual conversation with him and tell him that you don't feel good about yourself and just want to lose a couple pounds and explain that you're not able to fit that stuff into your calories. I don't get why that's hard for him to understand, it's not like you're telling him he can't have his food lol

    I agree!

    There is a difference between a partner struggling with the changes he sees in you due to a lifestyle change and putting your down for the way you choose that change and your food choices.

    If my partner said those things to me, what would I say to him? "Honey, you do you and I'll do me."

    However, if he said something about a change my personality due to the weight loss (which, by the way, did happen), I would listen and see that as a door to an honest conversation (which also happened)
  • clucklucky
    clucklucky Posts: 8 Member
    edited July 2016
    I agree with the contingent of folks here who have said to talk to your boyfriend, not just to write him off as a jerk. My addition/idea is to bring it up happily, as a thing you're excited about and want to involve him in rather than bitching at him about how unsupportive he is. Don't be afraid to be serious, tell him it's important to you, but go in with a plan: for example, if, as other folks have suggested, you're going to try cooking a couple (or more) meals a week, ask him for suggestions on things he'd like to try at-home versions of. You don't have to just take his requests, of course, but it might help to make him feel less food-railroaded (foodroaded?) by your new plans.

    My boyfriend has been wonderfully supportive of me trying to get fit, but still pokes fun at my efforts and complains about dinner sometimes. It's part of the fun of relationships, it builds in an opportunity for banter and play. And our relationship has only gotten better for it, not only because I'm happier and more confident when I'm more active and feel like I'm taking care of myself, but because it gives me opportunities to tease him, too. We had a pull up competition the other day. I lost miserably, but it still makes it fun and involves him in my journey.

    It can be super frustrating when your partner doesn't automatically take the position you'd like them to, but it doesn't have to change your relationship for the worse. You guys can definitely figure it out. Good luck!
  • SCoil123
    SCoil123 Posts: 2,111 Member
    My boyfriend and I live together. He is a chef who shows affection through food. When I realized how much I'd gained since we moved in together it was a problem but we talked about it. Our plates are different sizes usually now and we don't always eat the same thing (I like zucchini in place of pasta) but we still dine together. You need to have a conversation with him. If he isn't supportive of you taking care of yourself than he isn't a good partner but, you'll never know unless you give him a chance.
  • JessicaMcB
    JessicaMcB Posts: 1,503 Member
    My husband is very supportive of my journey to lose even though he struggles with his own and for that I am so grateful. So does he eat a lot of crap that I don't, sure, but he isn't in my face about it. You're both allowed to have different food and fitness directives but you both need to respect each others' choices to be successful together- I hope a conversation between the two of you will help things!
  • DebSozo
    DebSozo Posts: 2,578 Member
    That is so nice, Jessica.
  • fitgirldc
    fitgirldc Posts: 55 Member
    I wonder If it isn't insecurity? He knows you feel good about yourself under 145. Is there a little sabotage in there?
  • Sued0nim
    Sued0nim Posts: 17,456 Member
    My husband has started baking his own sourdough rye bread...every day I come home now there's fresh baked delicious bread sitting there on the side

    And it's my kryptonite

    So do I stop him baking it, when he's enjoying the process and he and the children also love the bread? Because that would fit my goals to not have temptation? No, I try to moderate my consumption of it..and I am certainly weighing each slice and careful of toppings

    (OK ...let's face it I'm human, I did mention that maybe he could stop making it every day and I got a raised eyebrow WTF response and after laughing I thought fair enough..it's my issue and I need to deal with it, anyway he'll get bored eventually)
  • soontobeslim87
    soontobeslim87 Posts: 22 Member
    It took me a while to get my other half to understand that it was about the number of calories I was eating that was the problem. We love to eat out and were going out once or twice a week. I had a break through with the Hairy Dieters cookbooks. He started looking at the numbers and started to realise that it was a numbers game rather than just eating "healthy" food. We eat out now as more of a treat and the weight is coming off steadily. On the nights where neither of us can be bothered to cook from scratch we take something out the freezer that we've batch cooked. Makes such a difference now we're on the same page!
  • Machka9
    Machka9 Posts: 25,620 Member
    EllieElla2015 wrote: »
    Ignore the fact that it's horribly expensive (average $80 per night on dinner alone)

    This would be the problem for me. I'd much rather save that money to travel. $80/night for 30 days is $2400 ... I could fly to Canada for that! 2 months and both my husband and I could fly to Canada. 3 months and we could fly to Canada and spend some time travelling around and visiting friends and family and places I'd like to see again.

    Eating out isn't a huge deal if you keep the number of calories you consume under the amount of calories you're burning, but maybe you'd have better luck talking to your boyfriend if you started adding up the cost and put it in terms of buying something.

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