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"Stop policing my daughter's appetite."

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  • oolou
    oolou Posts: 765 Member
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    Interesting article. I think there is a false assumption by the author who assumes everyone who has their food questioned in the manner cited, will react negatively. Not everyone does. I've been asked such a question before in a friendly way - "wow, you going to manage to eat all of that" sort of thing - and I've even said it to friends in the past. There's been no shame felt, but rather a "hell yes!" response and a continuation of gleeful enjoyment of the food.

    Not everyone reacts with shame at having their food choice questioned.
  • 4legsRbetterthan2
    4legsRbetterthan2 Posts: 19,590 MFP Moderator
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    3dogsrunning wrote: »

    ETA - also regarding the food scent thing - I thought that was because food stuff smells good not to satisfy our appetite.

    yeah me too, I thought her interpretation of it was odd....
  • lemurcat12
    lemurcat12 Posts: 30,886 Member
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    3dogsrunning wrote: »
    I don't understand why the author would go out with a group of women and agree to not eat if that wasn't what she wanted. She assumes other people probably went through the drive thru afterwards, why not just be the one to speak up and say "hey, I'd like to eat".

    ETA - also regarding the food scent thing - I thought that was because food stuff smells good not to satisfy our appetite.

    Yes and yes.

    I vaguely recall being a kid (around 8, and I was pretty skinny at the time) and ordering a steak from the adult menu and the waitress saying "she won't eat all that, she should get something from the kid's" and my dad saying (proudly, which seems weird now), "oh, yes she will," and me eating most of it. I was pretty into meat as a kid (and hated normal kid stuff like peanut butter sandwiches or cereal). I also recall more recently my sister and I going out for a special occasion and getting separate desserts and being told that the desserts in the place were huge and to share, by the waitress. I felt a little uncomfortable, but we wanted different things (as we felt compelled to explain) so went ahead and ate what we wanted (not all) of the desserts we got.

    Beyond those long separated instances, the first of which didn't seem to me as critical, the second which was intended to be helpful, I really don't recall people commenting on my food choices. Now, I internalized societal attitudes as I (for whatever reason) perceived them, and so self policed what I was willing to eat in public when I was fat (not so much at other times),* but I have a problem with making up stupid rules that aren't really from anywhere and feeling I must live by them, so I'm not willing to see even that as from anyone but me.

    *I used to go out to lunch at this place with good cookies regularly with a mixed group of men and women from work, and pretty much everyone else (the other women being normal weight) would get a cookie and talk about how great they were. I'd not get one, because I was self-conscious about being fat. I'd get one now if I wanted it and others were. I'd probably not get dessert if no one else did, but that's my own issue (and because I generally don't need dessert after lunch anyway), not fear of being shamed. I'm sure no one would say anything except "is that good? Maybe I should have one."
  • dbanks80
    dbanks80 Posts: 3,685 Member
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    mommarnurse wrote: »
    ninerbuff wrote: »
    IMO, women have it tough. Social media, fashion magazines, Hollywood, etc. seem to dictate how a woman should look, what they wear, how they eat, etc.
    And what makes it even tougher is that it's usually women telling other women this. All most men care about is if women are just willing to have sex with them.

    A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
    IDEA Fitness member
    Kickboxing Certified Instructor
    Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
    9285851.png

    So true. & the expectation put out by the media and perpetuated by women is unattainable.

    My 7 year old daughter pointed out to Me today "mommy, your workout pants are on inside out" after I got back from a fitness and yoga class at the gym. I said, "honey, that's okay. I don't care." She said "that's cause you don't care what people think of you, it's not your problem"

    Sadly, her perception will probably be rewritten by the media within the next 2 years...

    Love it! Hopefully she will adopt your attitude in life. It's such an exhilarating, freeing, empowering feeling not caring what people think!

  • kshama2001
    kshama2001 Posts: 27,897 Member
    edited July 2016
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    distinctlybeautiful wrote: »
    On facebook I follow a company called A Mighty Girl, which describes itself as "the world’s largest collection of books, toys, movies, and music for parents, teachers, and others dedicated to raising smart, confident, and courageous girls and, of course, for girls themselves!"

    They recently posted the following link. I thought the article was very interesting and am just curious to hear y'all's thoughts.

    http://m.dailylife.com.au/life-and-love/parenting-and-families/stop-policing-my-daughters-appetite-20140423-373ur.html

    I'm a former Weight Watchers member and characterizing WW thusly makes me suspicious that the whole piece is Fat Acceptance propaganda.

    "Others rely on the ritual humiliation of weekly Weight Watches public weigh-ins to deny their appetites."

    The author does have some good points, but the article isn't balanced - there's nary a mention of obesity or the challenges of successful appetite regulation.

  • mommarnurse
    mommarnurse Posts: 515 Member
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    tomteboda wrote: »
    mommarnurse wrote: »

    My 7 year old daughter pointed out to Me today "mommy, your workout pants are on inside out" after I got back from a fitness and yoga class at the gym. I said, "honey, that's okay. I don't care." She said "that's cause you don't care what people think of you, it's not your problem"

    Sadly, her perception will probably be rewritten by the media within the next 2 years...

    I wish my 6 year old nephew was so sanguine. He policed me on my choice to wear a 2-piece swimming suit. He called it "scandalous" and was aghast that I didn't cover up. "It's so awkward"

    Sigh.

    I'm stuck on a 6 year old saying something's "scandalous" :D

    It's sad though that even a child that young receives that kind of message. Our only hope is to lead by example.
  • mommarnurse
    mommarnurse Posts: 515 Member
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    dbanks80 wrote: »
    mommarnurse wrote: »
    ninerbuff wrote: »
    IMO, women have it tough. Social media, fashion magazines, Hollywood, etc. seem to dictate how a woman should look, what they wear, how they eat, etc.
    And what makes it even tougher is that it's usually women telling other women this. All most men care about is if women are just willing to have sex with them.

    A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
    IDEA Fitness member
    Kickboxing Certified Instructor
    Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
    9285851.png

    So true. & the expectation put out by the media and perpetuated by women is unattainable.

    My 7 year old daughter pointed out to Me today "mommy, your workout pants are on inside out" after I got back from a fitness and yoga class at the gym. I said, "honey, that's okay. I don't care." She said "that's cause you don't care what people think of you, it's not your problem"

    Sadly, her perception will probably be rewritten by the media within the next 2 years...

    Love it! Hopefully she will adopt your attitude in life. It's such an exhilarating, freeing, empowering feeling not caring what people think!

    it makes you a LOT happier of a person. And then, only those who truly deserve to be in your life will make it there and stay there.
  • dr_soda
    dr_soda Posts: 57 Member
    edited July 2016
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    kshama2001 wrote: »
    I'm a former Weight Watchers member and characterizing WW thusly makes me suspicious that the whole piece is Fat Acceptance propaganda.

    "Others rely on the ritual humiliation of weekly Weight Watches public weigh-ins to deny their appetites."

    Other quotes have a ring of fat acceptance as well. These two small paragraphs contain some of the most common talking points of fat acceptance:
    Babies are born understanding their own appetites. They know when they’re full and when they’re hungry. Everyone around babies trusts them to regulate their own appetites.

    But as they grow, rather than teaching them to honour and listen to their bodies, we teach girls in so many ways that not only is their appetite not to be trusted but something to be ashamed of. "

    The simple truth, that is plainly evident simply by a quick look around at other people and the culture we live in, is that a majority of people already do "honor and listen to their bodies" when they choose to eat, and that they are extremely wide of the mark because of it. Our bodies didn't evolve in a world where chocolate cake grows on trees next to fountains of soda, nor in a world where our tastes and inborn preferences are exploited for profit by food chemists who engineer the most attractive and addictive combinations of flavors and sensations to drive sales.
  • 7elizamae
    7elizamae Posts: 758 Member
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    Almost any remark could be construed as an offense if one is generally ready to be offended.

    The author seems like a woman who would be offended by someone saying her daughter was cute. She'd probably see that as a sexist overemphasis on female appearance.

    I usually try to take a wide path around people like that.
  • DorkothyParker
    DorkothyParker Posts: 618 Member
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    I think this is a very good article. There is no good reason to comment on what someone is eating other than "Yum, that looks good." Maybe I am over sensitive, former anorexic and been chubbier at times as well, so I really don't like the idea of others making considerations regarding the quantity of food I am eating.

    My 3-year-old is exceptionally good at regulating her appetite. I've offered her a warm cookie from the oven and was refused because "I'm not hungry, maybe later." This scenario, or similar, has played out countless times. \

    With that said, if you offer kids healthy options and model appropriate behavior with food, I do think they can regulate what they eat and generally won't gorge themselves. Older kids are a bit different than little ones and everyone overdoes it at some point. BUT, I think forcing them to eat at special meal times when they aren't hungry (to fit in with their school schedule) also teaches them to eat when not hungry and damages their ability to self-regulate. As my child isn't yet in school, it's not an issue. I do believe this mom is telling the truth when she says her daughter naturally stops eating when satiated.
  • LokiGrrl
    LokiGrrl Posts: 156 Member
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    I think this person is maybe projecting her issues? The sight of a tiny child with a huge piece of food, no matter the gender of the child or the type of food, is just cute as hell. When I was a (really skinny) kid, people would say things like, "Now how is such a little bitty girl going to eat such a huge piece of cake?" And I would say, "Like this!" and gobble it up and everyone laughed. It wasn't policing. It was just being amused by an amusing thing.

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