Do you get told you don't need to lose weight?
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@Colorscheme I have to be mindful of my posture while sitting otherwise my lower back hurts. Strength training and core work has help a lot with it. Trying to find swimsuit tops that cover them is the hardest part.0
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msalicia116 wrote: »leslienicole318 wrote: »I started at 151 and am now 141.6. When I tell my aunt (my diet buddy) and my mawmaw and other various close relatives I want to weigh 115 they tell me no way and I'll look disgusting and I don't even need to lose any weight at all. I think I'm gonna look great at 115 (I'm 5'5" and its a health BMI) so when family tells me I'm fine how I am, it's a little disheartening but I know what's best for me
Wait, you tell alllll those people your goal weight, knowing they're going to call you disgusting at that weight? Is this self sabotage? In all seriousness... Just why?
My dads side of the family is obsessed with weight. Last summer, I weighed nearly 170 pounds. At a cousins birthday party, my grandad asked me if I was still growing and then put his hands outward to indicate I was fat in front of everybody. I lost nearly 20 pounds after that embarrassment. Now my aunt is my diet buddy as we're very close and she wants to lose 60 pounds. So we share goals and our meals and everything. I also sleepover nearly every night too so it's hard to not share things with her when we're so close. She only disagrees with my 115 pound goal, but says I'd be fine to lose 10 or 20 pounds. My Mawmaw is the real culprit in it. I'm currently dating a doctor which my Mawmaw is very proud of, but every time I would so much as put a crumb in my mouth she would remind me I'm dating a doctor and can't afford to be put any pounds on. When I started my diet, she asked me if my doctor boyfriend had asked me to (obviously he did not). Thinking it'd make her ease up on me, I began updating her on pounds lost and eventually on my goal. I've received remarks about my goal and she now tells me not to lose anymore weight. By word of mouth other family members have heard about my diet and asked me about it and my goals and have told me not to lose that much and that I'm already tiny. Basically I started telling so my weight obsessed family would stop remarks but its backfired. Its not self sabotage because no matter what they say, I'm still going to get to my goal. I just feel it'd be easier with someone who supported and encouraged my weight goal. Thankfully, I have a very supportive boyfriend and myself for encouragement!1 -
There's always plenty of overweight people who will preach that it's healthy or that being slim is bowing down to media pressure etc.
They hate it when smaller people say they need to lose weight.
For most it's just an act to hide the jealousy and unhappiness with what they've done to themselves and lack of drive to make a change. As long as you are losing healthily then go about it without this friend.2 -
I was somewhat overweight since my late teens (bmi around 26-27). When I would complain about being "fat" I got the typical "scripted" responses that @savithny was talking about. And whenever thin girls would talk about how "fat" they were (when they were clearly in a normal weight range for their height), I'd play along with the script too. As I got older I figured out that they were simply fishing for compliments, not genuinely concerned about their health, and I stopped playing along (nod, smile, change subject - sometimes you could visibly see their frustration at that). Now that I am one of the "thin girls" I make it a point not to gripe about my weight, especially around those who are heavier than I am. I don't need compliments, I'm happy with where I'm at, and any improvements I may choose to make are purely about vanity, not health. No one tells me I don't need to lose anymore weight, because I don't talk about my weight in the first place.
Now, this is a bit different than the scenario the OP mentioned. In that scenario (one person has a few lbs to lose, the other person clearly has a lot more to lose, and the topic comes up not in a griping way, just a matter of fact way), it strikes me that the very heavy person is either simply "playing along" with the script and trying to be polite (thinking, true or not, that the thinner person is fishing), OR they hear a (relatively) slim person say "I need to lose some weight" and interpret it as "I'm "fat", but clearly smaller than you, so you are a whale by comparison" and the heavy person decides to tell thinner person, "no, you don't need to lose" in order to make themselves feel better about being even heavier.
Weight is a touchy subject for most. It should probably be avoided in the same way most people avoid talking about money, religion, and politics, unless you are very close to the other person and know for absolute certain that what you say won't be misconstrued.
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tlflag1620 wrote: »I was somewhat overweight since my late teens (bmi around 26-27). When I would complain about being "fat" I got the typical "scripted" responses that @savithny was talking about. And whenever thin girls would talk about how "fat" they were (when they were clearly in a normal weight range for their height), I'd play along with the script too. As I got older I figured out that they were simply fishing for compliments, not genuinely concerned about their health, and I stopped playing along (nod, smile, change subject - sometimes you could visibly see their frustration at that). Now that I am one of the "thin girls" I make it a point not to gripe about my weight, especially around those who are heavier than I am. I don't need compliments, I'm happy with where I'm at, and any improvements I may choose to make are purely about vanity, not health. No one tells me I don't need to lose anymore weight, because I don't talk about my weight in the first place.
Now, this is a bit different than the scenario the OP mentioned. In that scenario (one person has a few lbs to lose, the other person clearly has a lot more to lose, and the topic comes up not in a griping way, just a matter of fact way), it strikes me that the very heavy person is either simply "playing along" with the script and trying to be polite (thinking, true or not, that the thinner person is fishing), OR they hear a (relatively) slim person say "I need to lose some weight" and interpret it as "I'm "fat", but clearly smaller than you, so you are a whale by comparison" and the heavy person decides to tell thinner person, "no, you don't need to lose" in order to make themselves feel better about being even heavier.
Weight is a touchy subject for most. It should probably be avoided in the same way most people avoid talking about money, religion, and politics, unless you are very close to the other person and know for absolute certain that what you say won't be misconstrued.
Well said. And for the record, I adore my friend. Her and I connect very well despite the age gap, I will never hold her weight against her, or throw it in her face.1 -
leslienicole318 wrote: »I started at 151 and am now 141.6. When I tell my aunt (my diet buddy) and my mawmaw and other various close relatives I want to weigh 115 they tell me no way and I'll look disgusting and I don't even need to lose any weight at all. I think I'm gonna look great at 115 (I'm 5'5" and its a health BMI) so when family tells me I'm fine how I am, it's a little disheartening but I know what's best for me
115 is at the low end of the Normal BMI range for your height. What's your frame size? http://www.myfooddiary.com/Resources/frame_size_calculator.asp0 -
I used to say this exact thing to people a lot because I didn't want to be rude and agree that they needed to lose weight and I wanted them to know that I loved them no matter what. I stopped when I realized how irritating (and sometimes demoralizing) it was for people to say it to me. Now I say what I actually mean, which is, "I think you're lovely just as you are, but I am totally behind you if that's what you want to do!" That's what I'd like people to say to me.
I don't like to talk about weight loss, but I do like to talk about nutrition and fitness a fair bit, because they are a current fascination (wonder why, LOL).
My family, is a whole other ball of wax, LOL. I'd love to know how to say "We put the fun in dysfunctional" in Latin because it's our unofficial family motto. I just accept that my siblings going to say things like, "You're gonna blow away with the next breeze," or bring up some loony article full of bad information that they read on IHaveNeverHeardOfSnopes.com or something weird thing Oprah said (my sisters and Oprah, blah), and that they're going to tease me mercilessly about any details I might share, because we're like that. The last conversation included questions like, "So, you're a health nut now?" and "So, tell me why carbs are evil," and "Does this mean you can't eat anything good?" and "Just make sure you don't get anorexic," the last said while I was gobbling up my eighth slice of brisket. I respond with snark (like telling them I'm going to join a cannibal commune) and usually we all get a good laugh. But that's ONLY my siblings, because reasons. My dad always just tells me I look great, and my son and I don't tease each other about weight, because reasons.
According to Google translate:
We put the fun in dysfunctional = Nos ad ludum in dysfunctional
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PaulaWallaDingDong wrote: »Look, its considered hugely crass in this country to answer any comment about weight with "You're fat, lose more weight." I'm 46 years old and I work at a college and I listen to these conversations between young women ALL THE TIME, and they have not changed since I was in school.
The social script here is:
"OMG! I'm so fat! I have to lose, like, 20 pounds!"
"No, YOU'RE not fat! I"M so fat! You look great! I'm the one who needs to lose 20 pounds!"
"NO! YOU look great! But me, Iam SO FAT!"
Repeat ad infinitum.
None of those conversations reflect what people actually believe. They are a script we all learned in middle school. They're not "ignorant of BMI" or "refusing to accept they're the ones that need to lose." They don't actually mean that they think you don't have more to lose. They're just following the script.
I think this is a little different to what the OP is saying. This script is a typical teenage girl rooting for compliments. Obviously her friends are saying exactly what she wants to hear. I think that the OP is frustrated because she is actually trying to lose weight for health reasons but because she probably looks fairly slim at her weight, she is told by others that she doesn't need to.
Personally I think that is almost as rude as telling someone that you think they do need to lose weight. It's disrespectful because she is an adult who has made a decision about her body. Why would anyone think it's ok to tell someone what you think they should do with their body unless you were concerned for their safety? It's just unnecessary so I sympathise with the OP.
(Even though I most definitely AM overweight and have never been told I don't need to lose weight
Heehee.)
How is telling someone they're too skinny and going to be anorexic if they don't stop a part of the script?
That's not what happened with the OP. Anorexia came up later in the thread, in a tangent about HAES.0 -
punkrockgoth wrote: »I get it all the time and I'm 100lbs overweight. Usually in response to me not eating a whole pie or going to the gym. Like *kitten* right off.
ETA: I had a friend over at my apartment one night. In my apartment, I have a white board where I keep track of measurements and goals. While I was in the bathroom, she decided to erase the whole thing and write "perfect" all over it. She couldn't understand why I was mad.
I can't believe someone would do that. There would have been tears if someone tried that with me.
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punkrockgoth wrote: »I get it all the time and I'm 100lbs overweight. Usually in response to me not eating a whole pie or going to the gym. Like *kitten* right off.
ETA: I had a friend over at my apartment one night. In my apartment, I have a white board where I keep track of measurements and goals. While I was in the bathroom, she decided to erase the whole thing and write "perfect" all over it. She couldn't understand why I was mad.
How was the funeral?3 -
PaulaWallaDingDong wrote: »Look, its considered hugely crass in this country to answer any comment about weight with "You're fat, lose more weight." I'm 46 years old and I work at a college and I listen to these conversations between young women ALL THE TIME, and they have not changed since I was in school.
The social script here is:
"OMG! I'm so fat! I have to lose, like, 20 pounds!"
"No, YOU'RE not fat! I"M so fat! You look great! I'm the one who needs to lose 20 pounds!"
"NO! YOU look great! But me, Iam SO FAT!"
Repeat ad infinitum.
None of those conversations reflect what people actually believe. They are a script we all learned in middle school. They're not "ignorant of BMI" or "refusing to accept they're the ones that need to lose." They don't actually mean that they think you don't have more to lose. They're just following the script.
I think this is a little different to what the OP is saying. This script is a typical teenage girl rooting for compliments. Obviously her friends are saying exactly what she wants to hear. I think that the OP is frustrated because she is actually trying to lose weight for health reasons but because she probably looks fairly slim at her weight, she is told by others that she doesn't need to.
Personally I think that is almost as rude as telling someone that you think they do need to lose weight. It's disrespectful because she is an adult who has made a decision about her body. Why would anyone think it's ok to tell someone what you think they should do with their body unless you were concerned for their safety? It's just unnecessary so I sympathise with the OP.
(Even though I most definitely AM overweight and have never been told I don't need to lose weight Heehee.)
How is telling someone they're too skinny and going to be anorexic if they don't stop a part of the script?
Anorexia is a mental disorder that is not that common. Because obesity is such a epidemic our perception of what a healthy weight actually looks like is greatly skewed. Striving to be at the lower end of the BMI scale is not anorexia.
Exactly. Accusing someone of having a mental disorder is not the same as being polite.1 -
kshama2001 wrote: »PaulaWallaDingDong wrote: »Look, its considered hugely crass in this country to answer any comment about weight with "You're fat, lose more weight." I'm 46 years old and I work at a college and I listen to these conversations between young women ALL THE TIME, and they have not changed since I was in school.
The social script here is:
"OMG! I'm so fat! I have to lose, like, 20 pounds!"
"No, YOU'RE not fat! I"M so fat! You look great! I'm the one who needs to lose 20 pounds!"
"NO! YOU look great! But me, Iam SO FAT!"
Repeat ad infinitum.
None of those conversations reflect what people actually believe. They are a script we all learned in middle school. They're not "ignorant of BMI" or "refusing to accept they're the ones that need to lose." They don't actually mean that they think you don't have more to lose. They're just following the script.
I think this is a little different to what the OP is saying. This script is a typical teenage girl rooting for compliments. Obviously her friends are saying exactly what she wants to hear. I think that the OP is frustrated because she is actually trying to lose weight for health reasons but because she probably looks fairly slim at her weight, she is told by others that she doesn't need to.
Personally I think that is almost as rude as telling someone that you think they do need to lose weight. It's disrespectful because she is an adult who has made a decision about her body. Why would anyone think it's ok to tell someone what you think they should do with their body unless you were concerned for their safety? It's just unnecessary so I sympathise with the OP.
(Even though I most definitely AM overweight and have never been told I don't need to lose weight Heehee.)
How is telling someone they're too skinny and going to be anorexic if they don't stop a part of the script?
That's not what happened with the OP. Anorexia came up later in the thread, in a tangent about HAES.
That I understand.1 -
=>THISIt's your body and only you know what feels good and healthy to you. Whether it's that you feel great and happy when you're little chunkier or when you're a bit thinner - I think it's a very personal choice and ultimately your business (not someone else's). They don't live in your body! Unless dealing with disordered eating/serious body image issues I think you should do what you want to do with your body to make yourself feel healthy and confident.
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The majority of my friends are all significantly bigger than me. I am not allowed to mention anything about diet, weightloss, heathy eating, anything without getting my head bitten off and told basically told to shut up (eye rolls, tutts etc) Because according to them I don't need to lose weight and how dare I bring up insecurities when they have x amount more kgs to lose than I ever possibly could.
So, I am unable to talk about my journey to anyone. I agree that it's all about them, not about us and our journey. If we will fee better with a few (or a lot) of kgs less then so be it.
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Maybe it is my age, 47, but I don't give a flip what anyone says about my weight. Be heavy or skinny. I am focused on my health as well, I know what weight is good for my BP, insulin resistance. I have thyroid issues,too. Just trying to feel good and be healthy. I am a working mom of three. I need the energy. Plus I have seen a family member with severe diabetes not going down that road.1
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The majority of my friends are all significantly bigger than me. I am not allowed to mention anything about diet, weightloss, heathy eating, anything without getting my head bitten off and told basically told to shut up (eye rolls, tutts etc) Because according to them I don't need to lose weight and how dare I bring up insecurities when they have x amount more kgs to lose than I ever possibly could.
So, I am unable to talk about my journey to anyone. I agree that it's all about them, not about us and our journey. If we will fee better with a few (or a lot) of kgs less then so be it.
That is why I joined MFP so I can see others that share similar experiences. Isn't it sad when a person that talks about making healthier choices gets dismissed? smh
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The HAES community is made up of essentially the young, who have not had the chickens come home to roost yet. Sure, you're in otherwise ok shape at 25 and 100 lbs overweight. Update me at age 40, 50, 60.
My dear mother thinks I don't need to lose any weight. She refers to her brother in law as "emaciated" when in reality he is a very healthy BMI, even if he was not age 60 plus. Americans have become so accustomed to seeing fat people we think normal ones are too thin. Insane.1 -
I get this from some of the other women at work. The biggest offenders in the 'you don't need to lose any weight' game tend to be the very heaviest of the other weight loss folks.
I think they look at me and see a weight/shape that they'd be happy to get to and being told that I'm actually still overweight (not for much longer!) makes them realize that they have a bit further to go than they realized to get to a healthy BMI. No one wants to be told that this journey is gonna be even longer than they thought.1 -
Haha I get this from my family sometimes. My Mom will say you don't need to lose any more weight! She'll bring over cookies, chips, candy, etc. I don't listen to what others say when it comes to things like that. I just say ok and move on to something else.
Today in our office we had a birthday celebration and we were all eating cheesecake and apple pie. I decided to pass this time and of course it became a big deal. Oh are you on a diet? Are you trying to lose weight? C'mon live a little, it's really good! I just said no thanks I'm good.
Some people genuinely care, some people are actually concerned, some are jealous, some get upset because it makes them realize that they should be doing the same thing, etc. Doesn't really matter though, I have my goals and I'm sticking to them.2 -
Colorscheme wrote: »My friend, quiet frankly, is one of those body positive, HAES kind of person and she's obese at the age of 18.
I've never heard of any HAES type who is NOT overweight. Funny that.
Ignore her.1
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