Probably the worst 30 minutes of my life

"Said every woman after going to be with me"

I kid. I kid.

I love living in Germany. Last weekend I went out to explore the area. My goal was Eltz Castle. I made it...sort of. Not without a hiccup.



I am hesitant to post my story, but I'll leave this here for a couple days to see what folks think. My older brother said it's funny and I should do it; maybe folks would get a chuckle. Of course he's also the guy who once smacked my hand with a hammer to see if it'd hurt.

About 25 minutes out my stomach (read: colon) started feeling a little off. No biggie - gas I'm sure.

So - anywho. I stop to buy a bottle of water. The gas station has a restroom but I thought "Meh - I'm okay".

(that was foreshadowing)

Now 10 minutes out from the castle NONE of the three towns I pass through has gas stations or even seemingly-open restaurants.

Two clicks out from the castle my "stomach" is in a full on "Screw-you" attack. I am in a full sweat. I can barely handle any bumps in the road, as each bump urges my body to...uh...give birth to something awful, in my pants. I'm running music off, AC on FULL and windows down. I'm praying - literally praying God keeps me from going into what we'll call "Active Colonic Labor".

I approached the parking attendant at the castle (there's a shuttle that runs people to the castle; or a 800m walking trail). I asked the guy for a toilet. Guy grumbles back at me and says something about 350m straight ahead, then more stuff, then the word "toilet".

It's on. By "it" I mean I was to the point I suspected if I stood up I would start "crowning", so to speak. I drive the direction the man was pointing, and let me just say...God was doing me no favours as I was held behind a gaggle of walkers and two other cars prowling for spots. My hands are shaking at this point and sweat is dripping down my brow into my eyes. I finally pass the sloths and - holy crap - the road just ends. In front of me is a gate that stops traffic ahead of what looks like a turn-around (presumably for the shuttle). 15 people are seated and standing waiting for the bus.

But what's that just beyond? Looks like a large shed - and I see a woman walking towards it with what appears to be a toddler holding his crotch. That MUST be the toilet.

I parked illegally in front of the gate because (flips the bird to TheMan). I stride. I mean huge strides. I would have ran but i'm not 8. I follow where I saw the lady and the kid walking.

I'm still sweating and my "stomach" is in full on contractions at this point. It was like every two steps i'm horse-kicked in the abdomen. My body actually jerked a little bit as I walked.

I crossed in front of the building and saw a toddler with his pecker in his hand 'watering' the side of what I now saw is something like a 600 year old mini-chapel. The Mom looked at me and started apologizing. I about-faced and stride-shudder-strided back to the car. I felt my cheeks go flushed and the sweat is pouring down my face like facing up from under Niagra falls. I must have looked like hell because as I passed the 15 people waiting for the shuttle one mom grabbed her kid and pulled it close to her with a "That man is a pedophile" vibe.

I am NOT a pedophile.

At this point I was about to lose it. "It" being "both my mind and whatever my colon wants to birth into the world". I make the call that "this" is going to happen. Right here. Luckily I was surrounded by woods - except on one side is a cliff, the other is steep hill running into into the tree line. First things first - I needed a way to clean myself. I rummaged through my car and wouldn't ya know? Not a single, solitary napkin or wet-nap, or old paper towel. In fact, NOTHING functional as a wiping device.

I could wait no longer. I suspected i am already dilated. Probably not to 10cm, but at least a couple.

Power-walking past the now empty waiting area, and where Pee-Boy washed away the sins of the little chapel, the ground flattens out. I made a B-line for the Wood line.

I'm what you'd call a 'big guy'. I know hunger. No hunger has grabbed and consumed and tormented me like the hunger I felt for large non-poisonous leafy greens by this point.

Of course there was nothing. Every tree and every leaf was about 1" by 2" tops. Enough about that - I call off the search and spied a 'depression' in the earth - surrounded on three sides by mounds of dirt and old trees and what-not. I decided to sacrifice my shirt. Yes - walking shirtless back to my car (I mean, I'd HAVE to leave it there, right?) would be awkward - but this is Europe and folks are used to seeing boobs; maybe just not on a "man".

Square in the middle of that depression, I zeroed in on the bombing zone. I run-full speed (To get an idea of how fast I ran, think of a 2 legged large hog, with a sprained ankle - but for ME, I was Usain F'ing Bolt) down into the depression, and in one motion I squat and drop trow....

They say football is a game of inches. That racing is a game of milliseconds. I can't believe the top of my pants was beyond the 'danger zone' by more than millimeters as what seemed like a Chocolate Milkshake mixed with cream corn exploded into the universe. Look! I MADE THIS!! OMG!

As I squatted there in convulsions, twice I nearly lost my balance.

As the relief set in so did terror. I began to hear voices around me. Panic. I was NOT going to end upon Youtube as the MadCrapper. Okay - I decided to NOT use my shirt. If folks are around, the last thing I needed (other than being on-camera with my *kitten* hanging out) is video of my naked torso haunting any other security clearance I may need. I hurriedly harvested the tiny plants and vines of their leaves, thinking with enough I might be able to cover my hand at least.

Okay - I found about 20 little leaves of various plants. First wipe done. Not terrible, except seems God cheaped-out because the leaves were only One-ply. Things were a little...messy on my hand (now known as CrapHand(tm)).

Then another thought hit me - I have NO IDEA what German Poison Ivy - Oak, etc, look like. Goddammit if I just gave myself Rectal Poison Ivy - I would choose death because I'd never take THAT issue to a doctor because...ew. The exam alone would kill me of embarASSment.

From my squatting position I could grab some of the low-hanging branches. Sweet! I stripped a few leaves - maybe twice the size of the forest floor foliage tp from the first go-round. Alliteration aside, I do another wipe that comes up mostly-clean. I felt it was safe to bring my drawers back up and pull my pants up. Cautiously I get dressed feeling about a half-gallon lighter. Still weak, I make my way back to my car.

As I get in the car I reach for my camera to ensure it's ready for the castle when I notice, as I'm chimping bridge pics (Chimping = ever watch guys with digital cameras scroll through the pics they just took and make that "ooh!" sound when they like some of them? That's called 'chimping' in the photog world)...my right hand smells like I'd just stuck it into a sewage run-off and retrieved a pirate's chest chock-full of more crap. My God. As I'm six feet tall, this meant I was probably 3 feet away from my hand, as I extended it away in disgust and I could STILL smell it.

Because i am a man, I don't carry hand sanitize goo. But - I have an "emergency" bottle of spray cologne in the glove compartment. Thank GOD.

Except, again, God laughed. CrapHand went from a general sewage smell, to a sewer full of fruit loops. I was astonished because my hand smelled of exactly, and simultaneously feces and musky-fruity-cologne. I didn't fix anything - but now BOTH smells combined to make my hand's odor from 3 feet away a 'sure' thing - in that anyone would smell it and think "That guy wiped his *kitten* then put cologne on his hand in a lame attempt to cover it".

No time for that - I see the shuttle bus. I keep to the back of the line - allowing everyone to board first. BIG mistake. Because I'm paranoid I grab money from my pocket using my left hand, sorta twisted backwards. When I hand the driver my 2 Euro fee, left-handed of course, he throws a curve ball - as he takes my money with one hand he hands me a ticket with another hand. I move to reach for it using CrapHand - luckily I controlled the impulse and awkwardly set my money on the city-bus-style money changer thing by the driver. He looks at me like i'm retarded, as I use my now-free left hand to grab the ticket.

I end up as the only standing passenger; the bus has subway-style rails with hanging hand-holds.

Now, I could not use the over-head hand things because that'd be like lifting Lady Liberty's Torch of Freedom, shining the light to the oppressed. Except my Torch wouldn't shine any light, but spread borderline toxic fumes.

To protect others I kept crap-hand in my pants pocket - as I struggled with my camera and my backpack in my left hand. I wedge myself between the last seat and the bus' back doors, confident I can hold up for what is probably a 3 minute ride.

First turn - BAM! I start to fall. Without thinking I reach for the seat-back with my right hand. As my hand grabs the seat, and lands with a soft woosh, I envisioned little crap-fruit particles of scent showering the back of the guy's head. The occupant VISIBLY flinched when my hand landed.

I switch around and find a way to put CrapHand back in his containment for the rest of the bus ride. Something about the jostling around affected my innards as by the time the shuttle arrived at the castle, I thought I might be having 'twins'. Grumble. Pain. Here comes the sweat.

As the bus stops by the castle I exit - still one-handed handling of my pack and camera - and snap a quick pic of the castle using my cell, then I power-walk towards the gate.

There MUST be a toilet around her - I guess that's what the attendant meant - 350m from here is a bus stop, and the bus takes you to the castle, where you'll find a toilet.

I'm power-walking around the courtyard desperately seeking a crapper - NO luck. I am contemplating jumping down the castle wall and running across the little meadow area for the wood line when I see a little rusted sign embedded into the castle wall - WC and an Arrow. I book that direction - knowing the Water Closet will have at LEAST a sink to care for CrapHand, even if the stalls are full. As i get to the WC I begin to wish I was in Seattle. It's "Womens" only. Dammit - if I were in Seattle or some other stupid liberal place, I could use whatever one I wanted. Maybe I've been wrong about that this whole time? But I'm NOT about to create an international incident. I'm hosed.

No. Effing. WAY. I thought for 15 seconds about the ramifications of an international bathroom incident when i notice another sign - with a "Men" symbol and another arrow.

Of COURSE the men's room is way the HELL over there at the end of the building. Of course it is. Nothing is easy today. Pinching in my next-round I penguin-walk-shuffled and find - HOLY GOD...an empty SINK! CrapHand escapes to be thwarted by about a pint of soap and furious scrubbing. And just like answered prayer - the second I finish scrubbing CrapHand (I mean, at this point I doubt I'll ever be 'done' washing that hand), a toilet stall opens up.

AND...AND by the grace of God...four rolls of toilet paper as back-up.

As i 'give birth' again I start to giggle to myself...and maybe cry a little bit...all for something as simply as...a place to go, and a method to clean. It's the little things in life, ya know?