Why do you think you self-sabotage?

I reached my goal of 170 pounds. I now weigh 185. What did it for me was a combination of one year ago I woke up hungry and went to get up and passed out. I previously ignored dizzy spells. Turns out i was anemic and needed iron infusion treatment. I associated passing out with hunger.. The iron pills constipate me so I chalked gaining up to being full of poop. Also about that time I told my husband I wanted to separate and divorce. He refused to move until he was ready and that was a 9 month plan.. It was a very tough time for me and I got sloppy with logging calories especially when he finally moved in January and I didn't even have a computer much less internet connection. I have adjusted to my new life and take a probotic. So I am now accepting my weight gain. I am not perfect but got a good handle on my diet and exercise.

I had what you might call a self sabotaging day the other day. A friend had passed away and I binged. This after a string of indulgent days where I had been active socially and just didn't want to calorie restrict. Here's the thing though, I don't really think of either situation as self sabotage anymore. I view days like that as just delaying the inevitable. I am confident that I will continue to eat in a reasonably healthy fashion, exercise regularly and calorie restrict as necessary for the rest of my life. Most but not all days. I use a lowish carb day, typically a big meat day, to get myself back on track. Two or three if necessary. It works reliably. I realize now that when I have pounded back the sweets its exceedingly difficult to just willpower my way out of what feels like a blood glucose/appetite roller coaster ride.

For me, it was that I lost weight doing something that was just not sustainable - it was some tailored 'reintroduction' diet when I was 20 (you eat just veggies and yogurt the first week, then reintroduce something else every 2 weeks...). Great when I was in college and home most of the time (I only had 15 hours of classes a week)... not so great when I started working and couldn't take lunch to work (they wouldn't let me eat there) and I had to eat out every day. I had no idea how to eat properly, didn't develop any good new habits, it would have been impossible to stick to the diet when eating out every day anyway, and just went back to eating the way I knew...

This time it took one year to lose the weight and I actually learned to cook, so my mindset has completely changed and I don't think I could go back to my eating habits anyway (been maintaining for 2 years). The bottom line really is that I see no reason why I would waste 1000 calories on a dish that I could make a tasty version of for 400. My weakness is desserts but I try really hard to only have them when it's something I'm really craving, and not just because it's there... but pretty much that's why I think that losing the weight slowly is best - you don't have to deprive yourself and actually have time to learn better eating habits. That and now I like exercising and actually mentally need it.

I'm in sabotage mode right now. I'm simply tired. My nutritionist wants me to gain weight; I don't want to. As for myself, I am here mainly for my diabetes -- to keep account of the blood/sugar ratio, because I am new to treating it. Sometimes, I get tired of logging in. Also, lately, I've been eating a lot of junk.

I'm so negative right now, but I don't want to be. Perhaps the negativity is caused by the junk I've been eating.

I think we all have some very defeating self talk going on - that I MUST do this, or I SHOULD do that, and when that doesnt happen, we feel guilty and start to put ourselves down and who has been there with comfort every single time we were down on ourselves - food. It never judges, it never talks back, its available at anytime, its consistent and its usually inexpensive and easily accessible. We often cant say the same about our spouses or other family members! Well, maybe the dog... But anyway, its when we also start to believe that we DESERVE something, or that we have WORKED SO HARD for something - we didnt work at it for food, did we? We wouldnt want to be paid for our jobs with food, would we? And we give up control - we see no point in even trying to get in sync with the universe as its JUST NOT HAPPENING for us. We wallow in self pity, we moan about how life is not fair and why cant I just get something that makes ME happy for a change - and what is there again? Food. And what we put in our mouth is pretty much the most control we ever exert over anything. Even when we are binging, and we think we are out of control, we really are not - every mouthful is a decision, and decisions are made from moment to moment, to either continue or stop.

I think its critical that we learn to separate food from reward or comfort. That process is going to be different for everyone. For me, its recognizing that whatever I eat, be it an apple or a chocolate bar, its not going to make a lick of difference to whatever I am dealing with in my life at this time. Chocolate is not going to make me love my job any more or less. Or make me love my spouse any more or less. Or take away the anxiety I feel about whatever. Food is just not going to do that. Ever. And it never did. But I didnt want to see that - a terrible choice, and one whose consequences resulted in me being obese.

I am fighting back. I have to be far more mindful of what I am doing when I eat - that it is fuel and not comfort, not love, not confidence, not happiness, not anything, just food. It has no magical properties. The magic is in me (there should be a song) And its taking responsibility for what I eat - no excuses, no self delusions, no lying to myself that just one bite wont hurt, cuz yes it can if it leads to soooo many more bites.

Its a tough thing, this self assessment and analysis, and a tough thing to lose weight. Sometimes it aint pretty and sometimes its glorious and self affirming and rewarding and marvelous!!