What stops someone from "letting it go"?
I'm not talking about major issues, but about minor issues that seem to disrupt someone's life. For example, I have a client who is miffed at one of her friends because after having her kitchen redone completely, the friend stated that it was still too small to function. An opinion, but apparently that opinion sets her off every time someone else mentions it to her.
I'm not one to really hold grudges (well unless it was someone who was intent on harming my family),so I brush off stuff like that, but there seem to be many that can't let stuff like that go.
Now granted I don't know their whole history, but is there anything in your life you can't "let go of" that might seem minor in others eyes? And could it be holding you back to being a better you?
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
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Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
I'm not one to really hold grudges (well unless it was someone who was intent on harming my family),so I brush off stuff like that, but there seem to be many that can't let stuff like that go.
Now granted I don't know their whole history, but is there anything in your life you can't "let go of" that might seem minor in others eyes? And could it be holding you back to being a better you?
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
0
Replies
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I have a couple thoughts.
Maybe there's history between your client and her friend that somehow adds weight to an apparently insignificant incident.
Maybe there's something or some things in your client's past that resulted in her experiencing this as something bigger than it is.
I think either of those explanations could result in holding onto something, and I think the longer you hold onto something and the more you think about it, the bigger it becomes. I'm guilty of replaying things over and over in my head, and that does nothing but exaggerate and exacerbate the negative feelings, which makes it harder and harder to let go.
I've only recently realized that in my case, I had trouble letting go because I was playing the victim. I don't mean to sound melodramatic, but I was a victim so much that I didn't realize when I stopped being one and started just playing one. Talk about an eye-opening realization.
This is what I read that helped me see what I was doing, and I think it also offers insight about why people might not be able to let go of things:
"Self-pity is an opiate. The most insidious problem with drugs is that the human body develops a tolerance for them and requires larger and larger doses to achieve the same effect. The same is true with self-pity. The more you allow yourself to indulge in it, the more you will require. Soon, self-pity will become a habit, one so debilitating that you will rob yourself of all the potential you possess. Happily, there is a cure. If you truly analyze the situation, most often you will find that the problems that have driven you to pity yourself are mostly of your own creation. It follows, then, that the best person to remedy the problem is the person who created it: you, yourself."7 -
Awesome. I likes.distinctlybeautiful wrote: »I have a couple thoughts.
Maybe there's history between your client and her friend that somehow adds weight to an apparently insignificant incident.
Maybe there's something or some things in your client's past that resulted in her experiencing this as something bigger than it is.
I think either of those explanations could result in holding onto something, and I think the longer you hold onto something and the more you think about it, the bigger it becomes. I'm guilty of replaying things over and over in my head, and that does nothing but exaggerate and exacerbate the negative feelings, which makes it harder and harder to let go.
I've only recently realized that in my case, I had trouble letting go because I was playing the victim. I don't mean to sound melodramatic, but I was a victim so much that I didn't realize when I stopped being one and started just playing one. Talk about an eye-opening realization.
This is what I read that helped me see what I was doing, and I think it also offers insight about why people might not be able to let go of things:
"Self-pity is an opiate. The most insidious problem with drugs is that the human body develops a tolerance for them and requires larger and larger doses to achieve the same effect. The same is true with self-pity. The more you allow yourself to indulge in it, the more you will require. Soon, self-pity will become a habit, one so debilitating that you will rob yourself of all the potential you possess. Happily, there is a cure. If you truly analyze the situation, most often you will find that the problems that have driven you to pity yourself are mostly of your own creation. It follows, then, that the best person to remedy the problem is the person who created it: you, yourself."
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
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I think it's usually symptomatic of an ongoing issue between the people, rather than just that one instance. It becomes symbolic, in a way.
Sometimes, it lingers because the person knows its true. Maybe your client has buyers remorse over the remodel of the kitchen and her friend's comment hit it right on the head, so she's resentful.0 -
Oh trauma is hard to let go of.Yeah. I have a fear of changing jobs due to homeless as a teen, having no health insurance for years and some years where there just wasn't enough money to get by. I suppose this would fall into the category of major rather than minor, but the memory of it and the fear associated with it I can't seem to let go of.
Consequently I've stayed at some jobs far too long - where I've been very unhappy - rather than taking the risk and branching out. The few times when I finally took the risk, looked for a change of employment and got it, I was embarrassed by how easy it was and felt like smacking myself for not having done it years earlier.
Being able to "let go" of that early trauma, the homelessness especially, would be a miracle though. I"ve tried and consulted with professionals over the years to discuss it. But I don't think it will ever happen.
One of the other issues I run into frequently is rehab. I currently have a client who had knee surgery and even though the surgery was a success and function is fully back, she refuses to engage in any running, jogging at all because this was initially what brought on the surgery (other knee is completely fine). I don't push her to do it, but have mentioned how medical science is much much more advanced now and she should do fine as long as she eases back into it. She kept her weight down by constantly running, but didn't change her diet at all when she got layed up, so obviously weight gain. Now she's using my services to get her back into shape, but without running. But I'll try to keep encouraging her to not fear it.
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
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Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
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I think the reasons can be as complicated or as simple as people themselves. In general I think it is self protective. There is a good reason. @ newmeadow holds on to homeless memory-so that she is careful not to do anything to put her in the same position. Kitchen remodel is usually expensive- so could mean a regret and she is deflecting it to her friend. Not a very sensitive friend - sounds like. Have your client think of her when she is going for a new PR0
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I try to let them understand that an opinion from someone is just that. Even the best of friends aren't going to agree on everything. Letting it bug her will just build up animosity and could stand between the good things they like about each other. Of course, whatever decision she makes will be up to her.runningforthetrain wrote: »I think the reasons can be as complicated or as simple as people themselves. In general I think it is self protective. There is a good reason. @ newmeadow holds on to homeless memory-so that she is careful not to do anything to put her in the same position. Kitchen remodel is usually expensive- so could mean a regret and she is deflecting it to her friend. Not a very sensitive friend - sounds like. Have your client think of her when she is going for a new PR
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
0 -
Some famous dead guy said every conflict stems from a perceived threat to self-esteem. The friend who said it was too small wants validation of his/her opinion; which feeds the self-esteem.0
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There are people who thrive on conflict, like the attention, and like to gripe.
"They done me wrong"2 -
Sounds about right. I do think it's human nature to try to "one up" people though. No one ever wants to feel they are the bottom of the barrel.DetroitDarin wrote: »Some famous dead guy said every conflict stems from a perceived threat to self-esteem. The friend who said it was too small wants validation of his/her opinion; which feeds the self-esteem.
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
1 -
Lol, sounds like my cousin. Unless we're talking about sports, he likes to gripe about everything else.Bruceapple wrote: »There are people who thrive on conflict, like the attention, and like to gripe.
"They done me wrong"
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
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Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition 0 -
distinctlybeautiful wrote: »I have a couple thoughts.
Maybe there's history between your client and her friend that somehow adds weight to an apparently insignificant incident.
Maybe there's something or some things in your client's past that resulted in her experiencing this as something bigger than it is.
I think either of those explanations could result in holding onto something, and I think the longer you hold onto something and the more you think about it, the bigger it becomes. I'm guilty of replaying things over and over in my head, and that does nothing but exaggerate and exacerbate the negative feelings, which makes it harder and harder to let go.
I've only recently realized that in my case, I had trouble letting go because I was playing the victim. I don't mean to sound melodramatic, but I was a victim so much that I didn't realize when I stopped being one and started just playing one. Talk about an eye-opening realization.
This is what I read that helped me see what I was doing, and I think it also offers insight about why people might not be able to let go of things:
"Self-pity is an opiate. The most insidious problem with drugs is that the human body develops a tolerance for them and requires larger and larger doses to achieve the same effect. The same is true with self-pity. The more you allow yourself to indulge in it, the more you will require. Soon, self-pity will become a habit, one so debilitating that you will rob yourself of all the potential you possess. Happily, there is a cure. If you truly analyze the situation, most often you will find that the problems that have driven you to pity yourself are mostly of your own creation. It follows, then, that the best person to remedy the problem is the person who created it: you, yourself."
I think the quote about self-Pity is spot on. The one person I know who wallows in it (and she feels sorry for herself about everything -husband, kids, things she can't eat, what a random person at the grocery store said to her etc, vacations etc etc) just cannot see that she does it. It's like her whole personality is based around 'poor me' and she can't see it. It makes me so sad.
I'm guessing your client may be like this. She sees herself as a victim so will hold onto any slight, no matter how small, to reinforce this view of herself.0 -
i don't hang on to any of that stuff. i have enough going on that i don't need to waste time allowing someone to occupy space in my head.0
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I'm the opposite... I forgive too easily and just get burned again.0
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I'm the opposite... I forgive too easily and just get burned again.
you can forgive easily without trusting again. I do it all the time. there's a woman in my family that i don't care for. she's done some mean things. and i don't hold on to those. I can talk to her, exchange pleasantries and not let her get to me. but, I no longer have anything invested in the relationship. It's as if i was talking to a waiter or cashier. i no longer expect a single thing from her. but, i certainly am not going to let her agitate me.0 -
It is a control thing. It makes no sense on the outside. I can't let go of *kitten* from being raised in an alcoholic home. That's SUPER FREAKING BROAD of an explanation but...
Expecting perfection of yourself for whatever reason leads you to expect perfection in others.
"If *I* was going to re-do my kitchen I'd do it SO MUCH BETTER. I can't even... " blah blah blah
There's some serious baggage hanging off of me and it affects my life and relationships, but most things that are other people's business (like their weight or kitchen re-model) are just none of my business.
The world is too terrible to be so worried about how the toilet paper is hanging on the roll.0 -
There is just one thing in my life that I have never been able to let go of. A relationship that didn't work out when I was 18.... but I do feel he was THE love of my life. Sigh.0
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There is just one thing in my life that I have never been able to let go of. A relationship that didn't work out when I was 18.... but I do feel he was THE love of my life. Sigh.
If it's any consolation - The Love of your life simply has not yet happened. Nobody at 18 knows who they are in life to the point the love they share with another can be genuine - if not eternal love. You're still so young and life is ageless. If that man was The Love of your life he would have felt the same and you'd be together still. Nobody's "love of their life" can not feel the same way because love needs a man and woman to be complete, true and timeless. You will create that kind of love - I just know it.0 -
And could this be why the divorce rate is so high? My theory is because many people in their lives only have about 8 serious relationships in their lifetime and of those 8, they select the best person. But they still haven't met the other 4 billion people in the world. Now of course that's not going to happen, but even just doubling the amount of relationships to 16 opens up how one's life may go with someone else rather than who they may have chosen already.DetroitDarin wrote: »There is just one thing in my life that I have never been able to let go of. A relationship that didn't work out when I was 18.... but I do feel he was THE love of my life. Sigh.
If it's any consolation - The Love of your life simply has not yet happened. Nobody at 18 knows who they are in life to the point the love they share with another can be genuine - if not eternal love. You're still so young and life is ageless. If that man was The Love of your life he would have felt the same and you'd be together still. Nobody's "love of their life" can not feel the same way because love needs a man and woman to be complete, true and timeless. You will create that kind of love - I just know it.
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
0
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