I Can't Stay Here Anymore
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LastTime16
Posts: 12 Member
A few months ago I tipped the scale at 232 pounds. Only 3 pounds shy of my heaviest weight, which I reached at 9 months pregnant with my son.
I had to go and buy new clothes, my biggest size yet: 3x. I'm only 5'3" but my tiny frame carries a lot of weight.
I get winded easily. I have a 2 1/2 year old son and I spend most of my days playing idly with him, when I know he would much rather be outside running around.
I'm the woman that's never beautiful. People used to call me cute, but that stopped 30 pounds ago. Truthfully, I've never been slender but I don't really want to be. My smallest was 170 and that was 15 years ago.
The doctor said I should weigh 150 because of my frame. I'd settle for 170 again. I'd settle for anything that's less than what I weigh now.
I've been living in denial for a long time. It's been easy to ignore the mirror and the tag on the clothes, until the clothes stopped fitting and the mirror told truths too painful to bare.
Then tonight happened.
I stood in my closet and saw it overflowing with clothes. I decided to sort through them and donate what I don't wear anymore. It was then that I realized I only wear about 10% of my clothes. The rest are too small.
I became ashamed and embarrassed. I noticed how faded my new size clothes had become from constantly cycling through. I saw dresses and shirts I hadn't worn in years. I saw the shadow of who I was being smothered by the woman I've become.
Which brings me to now. I despise who I have become. I only see glimpses of myself when I look at my eyes, the only place fat hasn't touched.
I eat mindlessly and constantly. I've tried so many times and found excuses to stop or ways out. Of course, that means that I failed yet again and here I am. I'm not aiming for perfection. I've been around enough to know that setting me up for failure right out of the gate. Instead, I'm going to do just a little bit better each day and face my demons as they come.
I know it's going to be hard and I am very afraid, but I can't stay here anymore. It's time for me to reclaim the life I gave up long ago.
I had to go and buy new clothes, my biggest size yet: 3x. I'm only 5'3" but my tiny frame carries a lot of weight.
I get winded easily. I have a 2 1/2 year old son and I spend most of my days playing idly with him, when I know he would much rather be outside running around.
I'm the woman that's never beautiful. People used to call me cute, but that stopped 30 pounds ago. Truthfully, I've never been slender but I don't really want to be. My smallest was 170 and that was 15 years ago.
The doctor said I should weigh 150 because of my frame. I'd settle for 170 again. I'd settle for anything that's less than what I weigh now.
I've been living in denial for a long time. It's been easy to ignore the mirror and the tag on the clothes, until the clothes stopped fitting and the mirror told truths too painful to bare.
Then tonight happened.
I stood in my closet and saw it overflowing with clothes. I decided to sort through them and donate what I don't wear anymore. It was then that I realized I only wear about 10% of my clothes. The rest are too small.
I became ashamed and embarrassed. I noticed how faded my new size clothes had become from constantly cycling through. I saw dresses and shirts I hadn't worn in years. I saw the shadow of who I was being smothered by the woman I've become.
Which brings me to now. I despise who I have become. I only see glimpses of myself when I look at my eyes, the only place fat hasn't touched.
I eat mindlessly and constantly. I've tried so many times and found excuses to stop or ways out. Of course, that means that I failed yet again and here I am. I'm not aiming for perfection. I've been around enough to know that setting me up for failure right out of the gate. Instead, I'm going to do just a little bit better each day and face my demons as they come.
I know it's going to be hard and I am very afraid, but I can't stay here anymore. It's time for me to reclaim the life I gave up long ago.
13
Replies
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You can do it! It all starts in your mind. Once your mind decides enough is enough you will see changes. Good luck in your journey and don't give up!2
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I am you. I hit my highest weight at 236. That was 5 months ago. I now weigh 191. I have just discovered MFPal. I need help,to continue my journey. I am tired of being ashamed. Let's do this together. Funny, I just went through my closet last night. Three bags of clothes to take to the donation station. Thanks for your post. You made me realize I am not alone.4
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You can do this! It will be a slow process so don't give up.1
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ju1i0niet0 wrote: »You can do it! It all starts in your mind. Once your mind decides enough is enough you will see changes. Good luck in your journey and don't give up!
Thank you!0 -
kristinaserrano23 wrote: »I am you. I hit my highest weight at 236. That was 5 months ago. I now weigh 191. I have just discovered MFPal. I need help,to continue my journey. I am tired of being ashamed. Let's do this together. Funny, I just went through my closet last night. Three bags of clothes to take to the donation station. Thanks for your post. You made me realize I am not alone.
Thank you for your comment, because you also let me know I'm not alone. You're giving me motivation to do this and keep doing this.1 -
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Firs thing you need to do, is get rid of your small clothes. Buy stuff that fits you NOW, that makes you feel good NOW. When you lose weight, you can buy new clothes.
Example: I do aquajooging, I got a nice suit that fits well and everyone complimented me. They thought I had lost weight- I hadn't. The suit just fit SOOO much better.
You may think that you look & feel bad, I guarantee you that there are a LOT of people who would very much like to be your size, they consider you tiny!
1 -
LastTime16 wrote: »kristinaserrano23 wrote: »I am you. I hit my highest weight at 236. That was 5 months ago. I now weigh 191. I have just discovered MFPal. I need help,to continue my journey. I am tired of being ashamed. Let's do this together. Funny, I just went through my closet last night. Three bags of clothes to take to the donation station. Thanks for your post. You made me realize I am not alone.
Thank you for your comment, because you also let me know I'm not alone. You're giving me motivation to do this and keep doing this.
Definitely not alone! Up and down for years, 245 at highest ever. I'm a little taller, so I could still barely squeeze into 22s at that weight, and lost a little in my 30s. Now I'm concerned about the health risks being in my 40s, I had high blood pressure, high cholesterol and borderline diabetic. I'm down to 184 and now I'm wearing sizes that I haven't fit into in 10 years! I was using food to make me feel better, and food should be for nutrition, not comfort. That and I didn't know when to stop. I'm working on losing 30 more. Divorced mom of 3 hooked on peanut butter cups and soda, but I've controlled that and lost 53 pounds. If a junk food junkie like me can, anyone can! You have to take care of yourself physically and mentally! GO FOR IT! You have support here!2 -
You have taken the first step and there are lots of us behind you. Brilliant! Keep going one day at a time, that light has already appeared down your tunnel and each day it will grow.1
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I started at the end of March on my journey of weight loss and to find my health again. I was very sick..I was at 282lbs..I have lost 53lbs now and i still have 99 to go. I, like you was ashamed of myself and asked how could I h ave let myself get so unhealthy. I have found health again and I'm getting a lot more confident. I have horrible knees so I do Aqua Aerobics and Aqua jog. I have started finding muscles! God Bless you on your journey and feel free to add me. You are NOT alone!2
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I love this!
My highest weight was 279 lbs. I'm 5'11", and fairly athletic but let's face it.. At 279 lbs it doesn't matter how tall and athletic you are.. You're still fat.
So I did something about it. Last year I went from 279 to 237. 42 lbs in about 5 months. Unfortunately I found a lot of it back and just stepped on the scale at the beginning of August to see 257. Yikes..
So, once again, I'm back at it. My last weigh-in was Friday the 12th of August.. 245. I'm all in. My goal weight is 180 lbs. I'm going to make it. It's gonna happen. Friend me! I'll be an accountability friend.1 -
SkyMaiden007 wrote: »Firs thing you need to do, is get rid of your small clothes. Buy stuff that fits you NOW, that makes you feel good NOW. When you lose weight, you can buy new clothes.
Example: I do aquajooging, I got a nice suit that fits well and everyone complimented me. They thought I had lost weight- I hadn't. The suit just fit SOOO much better.
You may think that you look & feel bad, I guarantee you that there are a LOT of people who would very much like to be your size, they consider you tiny!
Thanks for the suggestion. I do have clothes that fit me now. Not a lot of them. But enough to get by. I really don't want to get rid of everything that's too small because it's motivating me to keep at it.0 -
purplesevens wrote: »LastTime16 wrote: »kristinaserrano23 wrote: »I am you. I hit my highest weight at 236. That was 5 months ago. I now weigh 191. I have just discovered MFPal. I need help,to continue my journey. I am tired of being ashamed. Let's do this together. Funny, I just went through my closet last night. Three bags of clothes to take to the donation station. Thanks for your post. You made me realize I am not alone.
Thank you for your comment, because you also let me know I'm not alone. You're giving me motivation to do this and keep doing this.
Definitely not alone! Up and down for years, 245 at highest ever. I'm a little taller, so I could still barely squeeze into 22s at that weight, and lost a little in my 30s. Now I'm concerned about the health risks being in my 40s, I had high blood pressure, high cholesterol and borderline diabetic. I'm down to 184 and now I'm wearing sizes that I haven't fit into in 10 years! I was using food to make me feel better, and food should be for nutrition, not comfort. That and I didn't know when to stop. I'm working on losing 30 more. Divorced mom of 3 hooked on peanut butter cups and soda, but I've controlled that and lost 53 pounds. If a junk food junkie like me can, anyone can! You have to take care of yourself physically and mentally! GO FOR IT! You have support here!
Thank you!0 -
sheenasamdog681 wrote: »You have taken the first step and there are lots of us behind you. Brilliant! Keep going one day at a time, that light has already appeared down your tunnel and each day it will grow.
Thank you. I have to remember to keep going. Honestly, that's one of the parts I struggle with.0 -
theresakruse48 wrote: »I started at the end of March on my journey of weight loss and to find my health again. I was very sick..I was at 282lbs..I have lost 53lbs now and i still have 99 to go. I, like you was ashamed of myself and asked how could I h ave let myself get so unhealthy. I have found health again and I'm getting a lot more confident. I have horrible knees so I do Aqua Aerobics and Aqua jog. I have started finding muscles! God Bless you on your journey and feel free to add me. You are NOT alone!
Thank you. and God bless you too.0 -
I love this!
My highest weight was 279 lbs. I'm 5'11", and fairly athletic but let's face it.. At 279 lbs it doesn't matter how tall and athletic you are.. You're still fat.
So I did something about it. Last year I went from 279 to 237. 42 lbs in about 5 months. Unfortunately I found a lot of it back and just stepped on the scale at the beginning of August to see 257. Yikes..
So, once again, I'm back at it. My last weigh-in was Friday the 12th of August.. 245. I'm all in. My goal weight is 180 lbs. I'm going to make it. It's gonna happen. Friend me! I'll be an accountability friend.
Let's do this!!!0 -
You can do this!! I am inspired by reading your post.0
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