Love without attachment or ownership
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that's a different topic; and I absolutely agree.
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I reckon that Buddha never dated a hottie.2
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This happened to me. Got a call saying he had met someone else and he didn't know what to do because he had never felt these feelings about someone before. Of course I was devestated. Wanted to tell him that feelings that strong and that fast are just lust. He asked me what I wanted him to do and I told him to go be happy. The part that sucked the most was realizing how much I loved him... telling him to go be happy with someone else was one of the most painful and unselfish things I've ever done.4
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I'm not sure exactly how I feel about this. I've been in open relationships in the past, and been presented with situations in which lovers have come to me with a new love, and I was excited for them. I do not think love is a finite thing, so I see no reason why someone couldn't love more than one person, and my lover loving another does not take away from the love they would have for me. Even, as much as I cared for one partner in particular, when life took them to another state (where another partner lived) our relationship ended and I was still so happy for their engagement.
However, in my current relationship, my partner has expressed a complete aversion to open relationships, so we have agreed upon monogamy. If she came home one day and told me she was in love with someone else I would be heartbroken, because I know her views on monogamy. Also, we keep our lines of communication very open, so I would feel betrayed that she didn't tell me sooner that something like that was happening. Down the road I would undoubtedly look back and be glad she was happy with this new person, but it certainly would take me a while to recover from my own heartbreak before doing so.
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I left before that other person had the chance to drop that bomb on me! I believe that loving yourself first is the all important thing. Not the admiring yourself in the mirror thing. Rather the deep personal understanding of the self. Then and only then can you find love. Are you comfortable with being alone for a long period of time?? A lot of people can't do this. Don't make your whole reason for living the love from someone else. When it is gone you might just fall apart.3
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IMO, there's a difference between a "relationship" and a marriage. So no, I would not welcome the news that my husband had found a new love. Call me selfish, but I don't *share* when there's a commitment. And regarding finding your "inner self" - if I wasn't in a committed marriage, I wouldn't have had the time to find myself, nor had the cheerleader (Hubby) who encouraged me to "do my thing". I think he believed in me, long before I believed in myself.2
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If my significant other told me that they have found love in someone else, I would feel betrayed. You're not being the bigger, respectful person by saying that you'd be happy for them. That just sounds super foolish. At one point would you not think, "wow, love doesn't JUST happen. You have to build it." Which means, they have pursued this "love" while being with you.
So hey, thanks for having an emotional affair on me. I wish you the best because shoot, I don't have enough self respect to at least feel betrayed. No, in fact, I am soooo happy for you that you took time and energy out of our relationship, to invest it into a new with another individual.
Get off the high horses. As if any of you would be supportive of someone cheating on you...9 -
Cutaway_Collar wrote: »Brother Ben's on fire. Well done, man!
Thank you! There's NO way anyone is being the bigger self respecting person, by allowing someone to use you as a door mat or stepping stone. Sure, you can maintain a level of confidence to pick yourself up and move on. BUT, you're actually showing a level of weakness by accepting and allowing this behavior. Stand up for yourself... Dang!1 -
Well, there's that!
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Motorsheen wrote: »I reckon that Buddha never dated a hottie.
Actually he did. He married the most beautiful woman in his father's kingdom and got her pregnant. When his son was born, he named him "Fetter" and then promptly abandoned both wife and child to pursue his own interests. Personally, if I were to marry, I'd rather go with the Judeo Christian interpretation of marriage and what its expectations are. Obviously, the latter approach isn't something to take lightly and isn't for everyone.
Obviously, Buddha got fed up with her *kitten*, huh?0 -
benmullins4 wrote: »If my significant other told me that they have found love in someone else, I would feel betrayed. You're not being the bigger, respectful person by saying that you'd be happy for them. That just sounds super foolish. At one point would you not think, "wow, love doesn't JUST happen. You have to build it." Which means, they have pursued this "love" while being with you.
So hey, thanks for having an emotional affair on me. I wish you the best because shoot, I don't have enough self respect to at least feel betrayed. No, in fact, I am soooo happy for you that you took time and energy out of our relationship, to invest it into a new with another individual.
Get off the high horses. As if any of you would be supportive of someone cheating on you...
mad respect
QFT1 -
I wouldn't exactly be throwing a leaving party and doing hand stands if my bf told me he loved someone else, but what can you do in those circumstances ? Start losing the plot, seeking revenge and waste your time and energy on someone who doesn't love you anymore ? Someone who has cheated on you?
My view is of course I'd feel completely cut up about it, tbh I'd be totally floored but my way of coping would be the realisation iv dodged a bullet, I was dating a cheat. Obviously not the person who is right for me. But that doesn't change my real love I felt for them, as a person. After my heartbreak I would wish them well and hope they're happy what's wrong with that ?
Everybody is different and deals with things in their own way, no high horse here0 -
benmullins4 wrote: »Cutaway_Collar wrote: »Brother Ben's on fire. Well done, man!
Thank you! There's NO way anyone is being the bigger self respecting person, by allowing someone to use you as a door mat or stepping stone. Sure, you can maintain a level of confidence to pick yourself up and move on. BUT, you're actually showing a level of weakness by accepting and allowing this behavior. Stand up for yourself... Dang!
Thing is, people will treat you the way you let them treat you.
.... for better or worse2 -
I don't think people are necessarily a 'cheat' if they fall in love with someone else. Obviously not the same if they act on it though... but I can't imagine that either would ever happen if the current relationship was solid. But if your relationship isn't going so well and you meet someone and fall in love, well... that happens.
So... either your relationship was doomed anyway, or it's someone who's more interested in the thrill of new relationships than into building a life with someone... either way, yeah, you're better off letting go.
It's happened to me and I can't really imagine that it's never happened to anyone else. I wasn't happy about it but let's face it, I was better off in the end.2 -
I don't care if it's physical, emotional or mental. It's cheating regardless. You've invested your time into it and willingly opened up the door to it. Can't label these things based on convenience2
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QFT lol
I thought this stood for quit *kitten* thread.....then I googled it0 -
In regard to enlightenment, I have always believed that you really cant be an awesome amazing person to someone else unless you are an awesome amazing person to yourself first. Ideally, you become that person as you move through life and all its experiences. So by the time you are ready to commit to another person, you are good with yourself, otherwise, what do you really offer to anyone?
On the other hand, I believe we grow and adapt as we go through life, and what fit us at one stage may not fit us at another, just like a pair of jeans that we can grow out of and into! Relationships also grow, and partners in a relationship can grow at different rates and in different directions. Honestly, with so many variables at play, it is remarkable that any of us have lasting relationships at all!!
I dont necessarily believe in karma, but I do think we create our own reality, so in the case of the partner coming to the other and saying gee, I found someone else and I am really happy, then there was a situation created between those two people that allowed a third person into the dynamic, and thus, to the termination of the original relationship. Both partners contributed to it either by deed or omission. Because I think we can agree that relationships require some work and some real communication. I find it easy to see if my husband isnt happy on a particular day, and I am sure he can see the same in me. We generally tend to find out why. And if it is within our power to address, then we do.
I despise Dr Phil as a junk psychologist with second rate skills and a penchant for the sensational, but he did say one thing that I have remembered for a very long time. That was "What can I do right now, this minute, today to show my partner that I love them?" and the list, if you really want to make one, is almost endless. Take a minute right now and tell someone dear to you that you love them and see what happens - you will both feel better, and feel enlightened too.
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benmullins4 wrote: »If my significant other told me that they have found love in someone else, I would feel betrayed. You're not being the bigger, respectful person by saying that you'd be happy for them. That just sounds super foolish. At one point would you not think, "wow, love doesn't JUST happen. You have to build it." Which means, they have pursued this "love" while being with you.
So hey, thanks for having an emotional affair on me. I wish you the best because shoot, I don't have enough self respect to at least feel betrayed. No, in fact, I am soooo happy for you that you took time and energy out of our relationship, to invest it into a new with another individual.
Get off the high horses. As if any of you would be supportive of someone cheating on you...
From what you wrote you absolutely share a self-centered view of love. This isnt about high-horses; if you read everyone would talk about the pain of all that - this is about ideals. Trying to punish my mate by insisting she listen-to and validate my hurt is only self-serving.
And there's that magic word.. "Cheating". I hate it because it implies either of you feel they are sacrficing something...as in "how dare they do the thing i am not doing'l
I doubt anyone "cheats" in a vacuum. Said another way, i would NOT want a relationship with a woman where the only thing keeping her from sex with another is her promise to me. Of she wants that with the other person, tell me and lets end this thing. The desire, longing, all that...that's enough evidence there's no love there.
In an open relationship? I think i could be okay with that - dunno. But the key is to talk about that stuff.
Anywho.1 -
benmullins4 wrote: »I don't care if it's physical, emotional or mental. It's cheating regardless. You've invested your time into it and willingly opened up the door to it. Can't label these things based on convenience
How is falling in love with someone 'investing time into it'? Or I guess you're not the 'love at first sight' type of person. There's a big difference between having feelings for someone and not doing anything about it, and opening the door to it...
That's why I don't think that just having feelings for someone else is cheating. That can happen if you spend time with someone (like a colleague or something - not like it's something you can always actively avoid). But I do believe that if you do... there's something not right in your current relationship.cross2bear wrote: »In regard to enlightenment, I have always believed that you really cant be an awesome amazing person to someone else unless you are an awesome amazing person to yourself first. Ideally, you become that person as you move through life and all its experiences. So by the time you are ready to commit to another person, you are good with yourself, otherwise, what do you really offer to anyone?
On the other hand, I believe we grow and adapt as we go through life, and what fit us at one stage may not fit us at another, just like a pair of jeans that we can grow out of and into! Relationships also grow, and partners in a relationship can grow at different rates and in different directions. Honestly, with so many variables at play, it is remarkable that any of us have lasting relationships at all!!
I dont necessarily believe in karma, but I do think we create our own reality, so in the case of the partner coming to the other and saying gee, I found someone else and I am really happy, then there was a situation created between those two people that allowed a third person into the dynamic, and thus, to the termination of the original relationship. Both partners contributed to it either by deed or omission. Because I think we can agree that relationships require some work and some real communication. I find it easy to see if my husband isnt happy on a particular day, and I am sure he can see the same in me. We generally tend to find out why. And if it is within our power to address, then we do.
I despise Dr Phil as a junk psychologist with second rate skills and a penchant for the sensational, but he did say one thing that I have remembered for a very long time. That was "What can I do right now, this minute, today to show my partner that I love them?" and the list, if you really want to make one, is almost endless. Take a minute right now and tell someone dear to you that you love them and see what happens - you will both feel better, and feel enlightened too.
I completely agree. I've been in relationships because it seemed right at the time, and when I look back, I admit that I should have made sure that I was better mentally before getting invested in it... And yeah, I don't necessarily believe in 'love is forever' either, because, as you said, people change. Or maybe it's because I haven't met the right person yet... but it definitely takes a lot of work... and I believe that if your spouse ends up having feelings for someone else, they've pretty much given up on your relationship anyway, even if they won't admit it to themselves. I mean, I can't imagine being truly in love with two people at the same time, personally.0 -
Haha good lord1
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