Unsupportive wife
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Are you eating different then the rest of your family? OR did you make her change her cooking practice? If the answer is yes for any of these, I would say she just doesn't like the fact that she has to change too. You can not force somebody to change her or his eating habit, it has to come from within. We are all here on MFP , because we had a moment and decided to change. Unfortunately our spouses may not have the that's it moment at the same time, and they want to eat they crapy food, and our decision affect their lifestyle too, which can be annoying for them. .
I have a similar problem with my husband. Although theoretically he is supportive, but practically he is totally not. He keeps whining about why we are eating grilled chicken with salad again. He asks for pasta , pastries,cookies and icecream on daily basis and and he can go on an on about it. So I have to do a hard *kitten* workout on some days just so we can eat the stupid and he would be happy.
Oh well, marriages work because people make them work.0 -
I feel for u,it's is sometimes more to do with feeling that when u reach yor goal weight,u might get lots of female attention!this can b the source of lots of problems!if she is jealous of the attention u get from females on this site,u need to make her feel special,u need to show her she is the one and only!!
Treat her Like u did wen u 1st got together,flatter her,make her feel special again.
If that doesn't work,it might b she isn't feeling the same for u,and it is hiding behind resentment?
Good luck,bro,hope u get yor hearts desire!!!
Xx0 -
??? I was shocked to see, after all these comments that you still regularly eat junk food.0
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I would be very concerned if my husband was eating in the way that you are. Pretty much all of your meals seem to be fast food, high in white carbs and often fried. While some take away and restaurant meals can be worked into a healthy diet, three meals a day like this is not good. I would be worried that you may actually be malnourished. Yes, you are eating your calories, but what about all the vitamins and minerals that your body needs? Could you not start by at least making a healthy lunch? You could be eating so much more healthy food for those 2000 cals. Are you eating with your wife, or seperately? She may be upset that you are no longer eating with her. Sounds to be like you both need to sit down and tackle this together.0
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I was very surprised at your diary. I went back about a week and could not see anything you had cooked at home. Is she upset because you are not eating food she has prepared for you both, or you are not eating together?
You have a lot of calories to play with, why not sit down together and plan some really nice, nutritious meals that you would both enjoy cooking and eating together. Maybe include some fresh veggies.
In my opinion (from experience of 112lb loss, not much gone back on) you cannot go on eating junk food. You have to change your lifestyle, not just eat fewer calories, if you are going to keep the weight off once you reach your goal.0 -
Hey bro, sorry to hear what you're going through. Nothing is harder for a man than when the woman he loves isn't behind him in something he's passionate about. That's the tricky thing about marriage, in order for it to be happy, both people have to be willing to bite the bullet sometimes when they feel like the other person may be dropping the ball. Stick to your guns...you're doing the right thing...your diary looks fine...ten points for the beer! But maybe try to figure out a way to stick to your guns in a way that lets her know that this isn't just something for you. You're investing in your family by doing this.
Like with most problems in a marriage, I think it can be dealt with by open, honest, communication, and a bit of sacrifice. Make sure that you're not causing her to have to cook two meals, one for you and one for everybody else...that can be rough, and expensive...but at the same time, you don't have to eat the bad foods just because they are there. Tell her straight out that when you're not eating certain things, it's not any kind of judgement on her, or to make her feel guilty...it's just a problem for you personally that you're trying to deal with so that you can be a better man and a better husband. If what you are eating is different from what else is on the table, be willing to make it yourself so she doesn't have the extra burden. I think with that, and with going out of your way to let her know she's the most important thing in the world in other areas of your life together should soften her, if not win her over all together. I don't know some of this applies specifically, but I do know that communication and the willingness to sacrifice and put the other person first has helped my wife and I both to build a solid, happy marriage so far. Either way...stay strong bro...keep going the distance, your health is too important.0 -
Honestly, it is difficult if not impossible to say why your wife is saying that. We could only guess. I can only suggest to you is to try to understand where she is coming from; then try to help her understand your position.
At some point you will need to be forthcoming with her and express your feelings; be thoughtful of her and express yourself without being judging of her character. One thing that can definitely be said about her comments is that she is expressing concern for your health and well being. That in my book is a sign of love, so congrats on finding a woman who cares for you. (Even the first several postings on here were people wondering if you were putting yourself in danger.)
From an outside perspective, it appears that you are doing pretty darn good on your weight loss journey. Like you, I am a big guy and losing 2 to 3 pounds a week was easy. At first I was fearful I was shedding pounds too fast, and was inadvertingly starting a yo-yo diet routine. However, the pounds came off and stayed off. EDUCATING myself helped me understand that I was not putting myself in harm's way and the results were not only okay, but typical. (So many of us begin with the belief that a person's weight loss should take a lot longer.)
Also, look at some of the other benefits, I'm sure you can add to the list:
1. Feeling thinner feels great.
2. Increase in energy and stamina.
3. Dr. Oz's 1 inch gain for every 30-35 lbs loss rule. (look it up; she should be appreciating that too)
4. Increase in activities, chores, hobbies (things are happening and getting done.)
Take Away:
First understand [her] then be understood (make your case; in positive manner). (Must be in that order, and validate her concerns. yeah, this was stolen from Stephen R. Covey's 7 Habits.)
Also, remember, your wife is always right, even if you think she's wrong. She is right in feeling concerned for you, but try persuade her to change her mind; which she will do on her own, because its her prerogative. By now, you should have learned a wealth of information about losing weight in a healthy way. Even if what you have learned is only the tip of the ice berg. Share some of that information; but don't force it on her.)
Apologies for long winded reply. Hope it helps.0 -
What were her reasons for being unsupportive....
I am sure if the tables were turned and it was she that was trying to loose weight that you would be there in supporting her all the way. She has to be having some mixed emotions about something. Perhaps talk to her about it. Explain your reasons for loosing weight. One that I could think of is your overall health. Doesn't she want you to be there for her till you are old and gray?
My husband is not very supportive either. He makes many side comments asking me if I am eating enough, asking me if I want to go get pizza/ice cream. The thing is... I know how much food I am eating. If I am hungry, I eat more. He just doesn't understand. I am convinced that he is sabotaging me. He says that I do not need to loose weight but I am uncomfortable in my skin right now. I need to fit into about half of my closet... I refuse to buy new pants! I can relate in a different way. Good LUCK!0 -
That sucks for you, and I hope over time she becomes more happy for you.
Maybe she misses an eating buddy, someone that will go out and eat a huge meal at a restaurant with her. Maybe she misses the guy you used to be, even if the new guy is better! I can tell you that when I go out with my family and get something small, they feel guilty for getting their huge meals.
I just read below about that you possibly don't eat at home - maybe that is upsetting her. Work her meals into your diet and I bet she will be a lot happier!0 -
My mother was like this with my father. Even though they had been married for 25 years, she was afraid that if he lost all that weight, she would no longer be good enough for him. It sounds petty but it was a real concern to her. Make sure your wife knows you are 100 committed to her and your family, and that weight will never change any of that..
^^
This was my first thought as well. Maybe she's afraid you'll start getting attention from other women! All the more motivation for her to join you.
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well, on a lighter note..she's probably mad at you for wearing that Michigan sweatshirt!!! BOILER UP!! hahaha
okay, but seriously, you're doing the right thing. If she can't support you... than there is some sort of underline issue going on with HER. Talk to her about it. Try something small and easy that you two can do together. Maybe she feels left out. Maybe go on walks together or bike rides. If she still can't support you... well you tried, right. You are doing this for you... she can't and shouldn't take that away from you.
best of luck!!!0 -
It's a horrible situation to be in, but let's face it, we're all just speculating without all the facts.
Yes the comments are hurtful, but when you can ask without an argument, you need to ask her why she feels that way.
Then you need to listen and discuss. It may be irrational or well founded fears she has. Either way without talking and listening, you can't solve it.
Good luck and I hope it all resolves itself.0 -
From what I get from it, it sounds like she's jealous that you're working toward weightloss but she's not ready to start herself,0
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It's amazing how sympathetic everyone is when the wife isn't supportive.... yet, I've seen many responses along the line of "ditch him!", or "start flirting with other guys" when it's the husband that isn't supportive. Hehe, no biggie! It's the natural order of things.... Plus, guys are often a bit more pig-headed about their unsupportiveness.
Also, he's wearing a Michigan State sweater.... Not Michigan
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It's amazing how sympathetic everyone is when the wife isn't supportive.... yet, I've seen many responses along the line of "ditch him!", or "start flirting with other guys" when it's the husband that isn't supportive. Hehe, no biggie! It's the natural order of things.... Plus, guys are often a bit more pig-headed about their unsupportiveness.
Also, he's wearing a Michigan State sweater.... Not Michigan
Yeah, I wouldn't be caught dead in maize and blue!0 -
I really appreciate all of your insight. I agree that I think she may be feeling conflicted....she wants me to be healthier, but she doesn't want things to change. She misses me suggesting going to neat restaurants and all you can eat buffets. We do eat out a lot.
However, she is the kind of person that says exactly what she thinks. So, I do know that she truly believes that I am not eating well, and she is quite certain that I will relapse and go back to my old ways. I wish she would have kept that to herself, because it hurt my feelings. I am doing great - an I don't plan to ever go back. I eat when I'm hungry - and I am not starving myself.
I will give it a couple of days, then have a discussion with her. This is very important to me, and I really need her on my side.0 -
Big factor: Is your wife overweight? If so...all the guesses about insecurity and wondering if you'll still love her could apply. If she is overweight, she needs YOUR reassurance that SHE's still attractive to you. In other words, this might not be about you...
Hollycat
:flowerforyou:0 -
I can't see your diary, so can't comment on your wife's statement, but perhaps it's time you reevaluate what you're doing. I'm not saying she's right, but she is your wife. Either she loves you and is legitimately worried about what you're doing to yourself or, your initial assumption is correct and she's just saying she's worried about you when it's really another emotion that's causing her behavior. It's difficult to know the answer without the facts. It's something you may need to decide for yourself.
i agree with this 100%. i would also like to add: maybe have her sit down with you, show her exactly how the program works and explain to her that this is all natural and that she may want to give it a go? that way when you guys share a dinner, it wont be her having whatever she wants and you are the one restricted... if anything she might not see it as being restricted, just controlled. =]
i hope it helps. i know how hard it can be to have family be not supportive (i tried that method with my mom and now shes a member too=]) i also got my bf to join, though hes loo king to gain weight so its still separate lives/meals lol
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ahh sorry!! missed the giant word "state" at the bottom of the sweatshirt and didn't even look at the hat!!
kinda ruins the joke when it's wrong!! oh well!!! hahaha0 -
she thinks your gonna get looking good and leave her
This is true women have insecurities about the way we look. She might think your doing it for someone else and not her. I printed out my info for my significant other. And told him he's stuck with me the kids and my bills.0 -
My wife is the same way so I know where your coming from. My wife is very insecure with her own appearance and thinks what I am doing is unhealthy. She is afraid I will be smaller then her and wont be attracted to her any longer. But, this is an ongoing argument we constantly have. She can't get over the superficial and understand that I see past all of that and still find her very attractive.0
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I wanted to say that I'm getting this a little bit from my husband. He's very proud of me but a little conflicted. He loves me, he thinks I'm HOTTT since I've lost 25 pound and have a six pack, and he's feeling insecure particularly about his keg. He works out way more than I do, but refuses to change his eating habits. He won't even open a page, even though he wants to improve. I've had issues with anorexia and bulimia as a teenager and he's not comfortable trusting me be responsible 15 years later and 100% more stable. I've had to talk to him, with love and reason, about the fact that I think he's HOTTT, and now he sees that I have reasonable goals set he is more comfortable with getting on board with my new lifestyle.0
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Oh, so sorry to hear that.
At the same time, you need support. 0 -
My mother was like this with my father. Even though they had been married for 25 years, she was afraid that if he lost all that weight, she would no longer be good enough for him. It sounds petty but it was a real concern to her. Make sure your wife knows you are 100 committed to her and your family, and that weight will never change any of that..
Love this post. My hubby is on the larger side and 100% faithful but I have to admit I'm a bit jealous. To me he's such a hunk I feel women will throw themselves at him. I'm so grateful he's a bit anti social.
Your wife probably feels the same way just let her know she's #1. 0 -
For a while now, I've thought it was odd that my wife has not really acknowledged my weight loss. I was sort of starting to think that she may resent the fact that I was getting more healthy, and she was not. Tonight, she told me what she really thinks... she said that she thinks I am being too restrictive on my diet, and she cannot support what I am doing.
I am very upset. I don't know what to think right now. I tried to explain it to her, but she isn't receptive.
I know that I am doing the right thing, and I thought I was doing it for her as well as for me. But, I guess just doing it for me will have to be good enough.
wow it saddens me to read that. please please dont let her bring down you or your motivation. honestly she probably doesnt wanna see someone else succed as something she isnt currently able to do, or she could have fear of you you losing weight and other people catching your attention. girls are crazy sometimes lol. shell come around eventually. if anything slowly try to persuade her to join you. she probably will want to on her own she may just need encouragement. just stick to it and ignore the negativity.0 -
I will give it a couple of days, then have a discussion with her. This is very important to me, and I really need her on my side.
Good for you. Best wishes and good luck. You just need to talk to and listen to each other.
I wish you well.0 -
two reasons that came to mind:
1. she prefers how you look when you are overweight. maybe that is a turn-on for her (I have a thing for guys with dark hair/dark eyes...if the guy I were dating bleached his hair and got light-colored contacts, I wouldn't be too happy).
2. she is intimidated, and scared that when you lose the weight you will leave her for someone else. She probably really loves you and feels you are an amazing catch.
Either way, do this for yourself..i am guessing 2. is more probable than 1. Just remind her how much you love her. 0 -
You absolutely need to have a frank conversation with her. Not only about your feelings of hurt/anger due to the lack of support; but also the possible dicotomy of what she thinks is dieting and what you do. It may be something simple like she wants to be an active part of your diet, but what you eat cuts her out. It may be that she doesn't understand your ideas of dieting, or goals, or motivations for this change. But without allowing her to have the opportunity to understand the "why" on your part and express her fears, she wont hear you. It is very hard to deal with an unsupportive spouse.... my ex is an ex because of lack of support of my dieting and self-growth.0
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