I finally stopped counting...

Stopped counting..
After a long time of struggling with body image, I didn't realize I was developing an eating disorder, although I was in a healthy weight from the beginning ( I was 123lbs,height 5'3) , I wanted to look like those skinny models, but what made it worse that I had a curvy figure (I used to hate)
This made me lower my intake less than healthy and over exercise , I'd feel guilty for eating more than 1000 calories, sometimes I'd spit out what I eat, I'd become anxious and sweat a lot and get chills, I became obsessed with numbers, I hated meeting my friends and going out with family because I was afraid of eating, I felt relieved when I skipped meals, I just wanted to lose more fat and more so I can fit in smaller clothes, my weight loss was normal and in control at first, then suddenly I lost 6 pounds,then I binged and ended up gaining 2 pounds, my craving became worse, I messed up my body, I couldn't stop eating,I missed many periods, I knew there was something wrong, I was depressed all the time and couldn't stop thinking about eating and weight, food was no longer fun, it was my enemy, and along with weight loss I felt weak..but I managed to seek help and did my best to fix my mind and gain confidence.. Without going on details, it took me a long time but now I'm finally normal, I'm able to live, I saw my pictures of my body after losing weight, yickies!
I allowed myself to gain another pound, and I wouldn't mind gaining another, I feel like my body decided its own weight, I can't be skinny, my body wasn't designed like that.
My birthday is coming soon, finally I'll be able to enjoy it without worrying, I have many plans that include eating with friends, they've always waited this moment where I eat with them normally because I used to talk about calories all the time , I know I won't maintain my current weight, but that's okay, after I'm done with my plans I'll be back to my healthy lifestyle (it used to be healthy until I became obsessed with calories)
It was a long experience but I learned a lot from it, I gotta accept myself and not feel ashamed, I'm a human being.. AND MFP helped me control my portions and choose better meals and nutrition for my body, this experience has its advantages too, I now understand my body better, I never thought I'd feel this way, I feel free, the number on the scale is just a number now, I'm still 19, I have my whole life, I can't waste it with numbers.
Being skinny is not my goal anymore, it's changed, I changed my goal to fit, strong and healthy, I'll start strength training too.
I still use MFP for nutrient facts, and I love the community!

If you have thoughts and healthy ideas please share them with me, I'd love to learn more, and experiences and what worked best for you!