do you ever feel judged?

I am 215 pounds and a dance teacher at age 22. You can guess that it seems strange. My coworkers accept me, except one. She makes me feel frustrated, unconfident, and upset about my teaching skills. I have known her for 10 years, and she has always made me feel like this, even as a 16/17 year old. I don't understand what I ever did to her. And I promise I have tried every way to work with her, from changing my teaching skills, to coping with her introverted and serious personality. Nothing works. Do you ever feel like your weight is the barrier? Because I feel like that maybe it. I know it hinders my dancing, and she thinks she knows me. Overweight since a child, bad habits and never going to change. But she doesn't know me. Do you think weight loss will change peoples perceptions of me? Has that happened to anyone? I feel like Im being judged at work because of my weight =(
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Replies

  • logg1e
    logg1e Posts: 1,208 Member
    You seem to put a lot of store in what she thinks. Or might be thinking, to be exact. Why? Do you really respect her and value her opinion? Or do you think she just kind of represents your own insecurities?
  • TavistockToad
    TavistockToad Posts: 35,719 Member
    fskoethe wrote: »
    I am 215 pounds and a dance teacher at age 22. You can guess that it seems strange. My coworkers accept me, except one. She makes me feel frustrated, unconfident, and upset about my teaching skills. I have known her for 10 years, and she has always made me feel like this, even as a 16/17 year old. I don't understand what I ever did to her. And I promise I have tried every way to work with her, from changing my teaching skills, to coping with her introverted and serious personality. Nothing works. Do you ever feel like your weight is the barrier? Because I feel like that maybe it. I know it hinders my dancing, and she thinks she knows me. Overweight since a child, bad habits and never going to change. But she doesn't know me. Do you think weight loss will change peoples perceptions of me? Has that happened to anyone? I feel like Im being judged at work because of my weight =(

    Why are you so bothered by this one person?

  • gothomson
    gothomson Posts: 215 Member
    edited November 2014
    You will rarely change someone else, and by the sounds of it with this person you never will. Stop trying to figure them out, they like that, it gives them control. Instead change the only person you can be sure of changing 100% - you! I wont quote self help books at you but if you want some ideas about how to handle someone that, to me, sounds like whats called a "covert aggressive personality" there are some good advice on proper websites so type in "covert agressive" stay away from Yahoo answer type sites, and learn some coping strategies.

    People will say "why are you letting one person bother you so much?" fair enough, but lets take a step back, they ARE bothering you, so get skilled up on how to deal with them. Don't bother with "fighting fire with fire" it seldom works and anyway it gives them even more ammo to "have a go" at you. Keep strong, you're a better persons than them, for not reacting and being abusive back. You're the strong one here (I bet it doesn't feel like it but take it from someone thats been there - you are!). All the best to you!
  • farberry
    farberry Posts: 71 Member
    It sounds like you've tried your best with this person, so instead of trying to pin down a specific reason you might just have to leave it, and as the above poster said, learn to deal with her behaviours so they don't upset you.

    Sometimes people just don't like you for no reason! Happens to all of us unfortunately.
  • snowflake954
    snowflake954 Posts: 8,400 Member
    If your other co-workers like you and the job you do, then it's a personality problem. That person will not like you---even if you are skinny. It's not you're weight. So yes, if you like your job, you'll have to cope with her. Question--does she get along with all the others? If not, that will tell you everything. Try "killing her with kindness" and see what happens.
  • frankerzzzfit
    frankerzzzfit Posts: 81 Member
    Thanks for all the advice. Some of the others don't get along as well, but its a little more unspoken and they just stay out of each others hair. If killing with kindness and coping with her personality doesn't work, I'll just do my best not to interact as much. It bothers me so much because she is my mentor. She is supposed to be the one helping me to build my teaching skills, but I feel like I can't do anything right to please her.
  • FoodFitnessTravel
    FoodFitnessTravel Posts: 294 Member
    yes unfortunately, i can feel the direct connection between how i look and how people treat me. its sad that you kind of have to deal with her every day, but trust me, good life is the best revenge. Put an effort in what you do, whether its work or weight loss, don't pay much attention to her and just be happy and positive.
  • 999tigger
    999tigger Posts: 5,235 Member
    Ofc weight changes peoples perceptions of you. It makes you different and away from the norm or the ideal. In the case of your colleague it is just one of probably many reason she has decided no to get along with you.

    Avoid being paranoid about it and thinking too much. You cant like everyone, its human nature. Either ignore her or just learn to worry less or if you have to then you will need a strtgegy to deal with her firmly. This happens in all workplaces and it doesnt have to have anything to do with weight. Just like school ironically.
  • JaneECS
    JaneECS Posts: 71 Member
    You might want to check out Landmark Education - their two day course is a life changer - not just on this issue, but particularly in this area. She can only rile you if you give her that power, and they can teach you techniques to take the power back - being responsible for the bits you can be responsible for and shelving back to her the things that are her issue. Its not cheap, but it is valuable.
    Alternatively, can you ask for another mentor? Explain the situation to the high-ups and
  • ILiftHeavyAcrylics
    ILiftHeavyAcrylics Posts: 27,732 Member
    fskoethe wrote: »
    Thanks for all the advice. Some of the others don't get along as well, but its a little more unspoken and they just stay out of each others hair. If killing with kindness and coping with her personality doesn't work, I'll just do my best not to interact as much. It bothers me so much because she is my mentor. She is supposed to be the one helping me to build my teaching skills, but I feel like I can't do anything right to please her.

    Maybe it's just her teaching style. I've had teachers and mentors like that-- they're tough to push you to excel. Has she said something specific about your weight? It's hard to tell exactly what she's doing since you're descriptions are pretty vague.
  • Lizzy622
    Lizzy622 Posts: 3,705 Member
    If you want to lose do it for you. Do it because you want to. I have found other people don't change and don't acknowledge your effort. My MIL will consider me fat and lazy no matter how hard I work or how much weight I lose. You cannot change other people only yourself.
  • logg1e
    logg1e Posts: 1,208 Member
    She's a colleague, it sounds to me as though you're giving her friend status. Or perhaps she even reminds you of a female relative - her position as mentor, and your "Please Her" stance makes me think parent.

    (I'd do a bit of Googling on that Landmark Forum money spinner too).
  • gothchiq
    gothchiq Posts: 4,598 Member
    That person sounds like a bully. Turn your back on her and make no effort to please her. You do what YOU want, in the way that you deem best.
  • yoovie
    yoovie Posts: 17,121 Member
    There will always be someone out there that chooses you as their favorite target. Accept it and realize it isn't about you. It's because they are brain damaged - <3
  • yoovie
    yoovie Posts: 17,121 Member
    (or at least that's what I tell myself instead of 'there's something they hate vehemently about themselves and it makes them get sick satisfaction from pressing other people's buttons)
  • cee134
    cee134 Posts: 33,711 Member
    yeah
  • KiyaK
    KiyaK Posts: 519 Member
    I think the barrier is not your weight, but her.
  • quiksylver296
    quiksylver296 Posts: 28,443 Member
  • msohio33
    msohio33 Posts: 26 Member
    fskoethe wrote: »
    I am 215 pounds and a dance teacher at age 22. You can guess that it seems strange. My coworkers accept me, except one. She makes me feel frustrated, unconfident, and upset about my teaching skills. I have known her for 10 years, and she has always made me feel like this, even as a 16/17 year old. I don't understand what I ever did to her. And I promise I have tried every way to work with her, from changing my teaching skills, to coping with her introverted and serious personality. Nothing works. Do you ever feel like your weight is the barrier? Because I feel like that maybe it. I know it hinders my dancing, and she thinks she knows me. Overweight since a child, bad habits and never going to change. But she doesn't know me. Do you think weight loss will change peoples perceptions of me? Has that happened to anyone? I feel like Im being judged at work because of my weight =(
    fskoethe wrote: »
    I am 215 pounds and a dance teacher at age 22. You can guess that it seems strange. My coworkers accept me, except one. She makes me feel frustrated, unconfident, and upset about my teaching skills. I have known her for 10 years, and she has always made me feel like this, even as a 16/17 year old. I don't understand what I ever did to her. And I promise I have tried every way to work with her, from changing my teaching skills, to coping with her introverted and serious personality. Nothing works. Do you ever feel like your weight is the barrier? Because I feel like that maybe it. I know it hinders my dancing, and she thinks she knows me. Overweight since a child, bad habits and never going to change. But she doesn't know me. Do you think weight loss will change peoples perceptions of me? Has that happened to anyone? I feel like Im being judged at work because of my weight =(

    I would just confront her and ask what her problem with you is. Lots of times bullies like her will back off once you stand your ground. She doesn't have to like you but she does have to be respectful at work. Do not let Jerks like her make you question yourself!! You are worth so much more!! Good luck and stay strong!!❤️