From Thin anorexic/bulimic to Fat boring wife

puresolitude
puresolitude Posts: 2 Member
in Health and Weight Loss
Day 1.
I never thought I'd look like this. When I married my husband I wasb125. Now some days I push 185. It has taken a toll on my self esteem and marriage. I have backed away from intimacy alot because it's uncomfortable and embarrassing. It's not fair to my husband who would still like an everyday event and he gets mad and gives me the cold shoulder. I know he must be wondering why I don't do something about it. I have dieted and lost and stopped and regained. Dieting/ healthy eating is hard and I tend to over do it and crash & burn.
Right now we are suffering major marital problems because of this so I need the weight off quickly. I know I know that's not the right way. I'm just so down.

Replies

  • LauraCoth
    LauraCoth Posts: 303 Member
    You've already been through the crash and burn cycle a few times, so you do know it's not the way.

    To lose weight and keep it off, you need a slow and sustainable loss. If your husband sees you taking it seriously, he may understand.

    Regardless, I do get how you may not be feeling sexy because of a less than perfect body. That's an unfortunate by-product of ourhyper-critical culture. However, your husband may be far less critical of your body than you are. Cutting out an important part of your life because of your weight is just punishment for both of you.

    By the way, I was once anorexic/bulemic, and the way I got out of that cycle was to learn about calories and nutrition. With proper diet and moderate exercise I maintained a slender but healthy weight for decades, until recently, when other health issues intervened. I'm 60 now, and until a couple of years ago haven't had a weight issue since I was 20 years old.
  • daniip_la
    daniip_la Posts: 678 Member
    Have you talked to your husband about why you're pushing him away? Does he reassure you, and tell you that he's still attracted to you, or does he make disparaging comments about your weight?

    For your weight gain to be causing "major marital issues", I would have to imagine some pretty bad lack of communication, or else your husband making your self-esteem issues worse. If he's reassuring you, and still wanting intimacy despite your weight gain, then you cutting him off isn't just an issue with you needing to lose weight. That sounds more like an emotional/mental issue you need to deal with, for both you and your husband's sake.
  • melonaulait
    melonaulait Posts: 769 Member
    You just have to go slowly and consistently at weight loss.

    It does sound like your marriage could benefit from solving other problems between you guys, too.
  • elphie754
    elphie754 Posts: 7,574 Member
    Sounds like you might benefit from talking to a counselor or psychologist. Work on the self esteem issue first.
  • katelangenberg
    katelangenberg Posts: 2 Member
    Here's a suggestion: Join a fun program at a local gym (even the cheapest ones have them sometimes). List all your favorite vegetables and fruits and research new ideas and start working them into your menu . I agree with the counseling ( individual and couples ) and communicating with your husband. Being vulnerable is at least a start to healing. And maybe you should change your perspective too! :smiley: Your weight does not have to define you! You can take control of your journey and make this fun and get passionate about it. Working out can be awesome when its to great music or with friends. It's an fantastic stress reliever and boosts self-esteem. It does wonders for your mental health and can be a special time you pay full attention to Your needs. Ask your hsuband for support and don't be afraid to be honest. You can do this !
  • supermedpinkpalelipstick
    supermedpinkpalelipstick Posts: 6 Member
    Good luck! You can do it :)
  • jtegirl
    jtegirl Posts: 1,137 Member
    You're here, so that's the first step. Weight loss should be slow in order to see long term results and maintain it. Slow and steady wins the race. :) Track your calories for a couple days and see where you can tweak your eating. Cut out processed foods, eat whole foods. Move your body. There are tons of good at home workout DVD's. Join a gym, walk, bike, etc. What type of active things do you like to do? By doing what you enjoy, you'll probably be able to stick to it. Also, don't be afraid to pick up weights, just make sure you either know what you're doing or hire a trainer. Muscle burns fat 24/7. It will help you tone as you lose.

    As for the marriage, probably best to try counseling. It certainly can't hurt and can only help. Best of luck to you!
  • sunnybeaches105
    sunnybeaches105 Posts: 2,831 Member
    elphie754 wrote: »
    Sounds like you might benefit from talking to a counselor or psychologist. Work on the self esteem issue first.

    ^ This. Go talk to a counselor and work on you. If the counselor suggests, you may also want to work on counseling together.
  • puresolitude
    puresolitude Posts: 2 Member
    Thanks. Gonna aim for healthy whole foods and exercise. ; )
  • RoxieDawn
    RoxieDawn Posts: 15,488 Member
    edited August 2016
    I second the therapy or a counselor and moreover together.

    The marriage needs a happy medium and to me needs all your attention right now. In my mind, loosing weight is not what is gonna save your marriage based on your OP.
  • cerise_noir
    cerise_noir Posts: 5,468 Member
    edited August 2016
    You need to stop putting yourself down. I agree with seeing a therapist.

    Make peace with yourself and trust the process. This is your battle. You've got this.

    You don't have to eat "whole healthy foods" for weight loss. Just weigh and log what you eat and stay within your calories.
  • zahra59
    zahra59 Posts: 55 Member
    elphie754 wrote: »
    puresolitude wrote: »
    Thanks. Gonna aim for healthy whole foods and exercise. ; )
    Yet you completely skipped the posts that suggested seeing a therapist.

    Baha I guess she really doesn't want any help she wants us to recommended diet pill or a plastic surgeon to fix her marriage
  • Christine_72
    Christine_72 Posts: 16,049 Member
    Go take a look at the stories on the success boards. See how these people lost the weight and kept it off.
    No need to starve yourself and be even more miserable doing crash diets. You know they don't work and are usually a promised course to yo-yoing.
  • sunnybeaches105
    sunnybeaches105 Posts: 2,831 Member
    Christine_72 wrote: »
    And please, please stop calling yourself a fat and boring wife. Your lack of confidence and self esteem will have a negative impact on more than just intimacy in your marriage.

    I used to cover myself up infront of my husband or dim the lights real low, and he always said that, that was a bigger turn off than anything else, a blobby belly or whatever body part your embarrassed by. My making a big deal about covering up my belly made him focus on it, whereas he wouldn't have paid it any attention had i not made a big song and dance about being naked infront of him.

    ^ she's right
  • jgnatca
    jgnatca Posts: 14,464 Member
    Just popping in to give you a nice warm squeezy grandmotherly hug.
  • SLLRunner
    SLLRunner Posts: 12,942 Member
    edited August 2016
    puresolitude wrote: »
    Day 1.
    I never thought I'd look like this. When I married my husband I wasb125. Now some days I push 185. It has taken a toll on my self esteem and marriage. I have backed away from intimacy alot because it's uncomfortable and embarrassing. It's not fair to my husband who would still like an everyday event and he gets mad and gives me the cold shoulder. I know he must be wondering why I don't do something about it. I have dieted and lost and stopped and regained. Dieting/ healthy eating is hard and I tend to over do it and crash & burn.
    Right now we are suffering major marital problems because of this so I need the weight off quickly. I know I know that's not the right way. I'm just so down.

    Welcome, @puresolitude. Have you gotten professional help for your eating disorder? Even if you are not practicing bulimia, or under eating, your words say that you are not recovered. Healing starts on the inside, and you cannot recover alone. I know, because I was bulimic as a late teen/young adult and went through recover more than ten years after abstinence because the urges came back and I could not shake the negative self talk and overeating.

    Please get professional help. Good luck. :)

  • Bxqtie116
    Bxqtie116 Posts: 552 Member
    Sit down with your husband and be honest about your feelings and why you react to him the way you do. Once you do that, you'll be surprised at how much of a support he can be for you.

    Next step will be to plug in your numbers on MFP and see what your calorie intake should be. Diets fail because people give up their favorite foods just to lose a few pounds. Know that you won't have to give anything up, but know that moderation is key. Once you start logging your foods and seeing where you stand for the day, you'll always look for ways to make improvements. The most important thing you'll need is a digital scale so you can weigh all your foods. You can do this!
  • amyepdx
    amyepdx Posts: 750 Member
    elphie754 wrote: »
    puresolitude wrote: »
    Thanks. Gonna aim for healthy whole foods and exercise. ; )
    Yet you completely skipped the posts that suggested seeing a therapist.

    And the part about counting calories and weighing food too
  • misskarne
    misskarne Posts: 1,765 Member
    You have a background of disordered eating and this post says you are not recovered. You NEED professional help with this. That's not a bad thing! What WOULD be a "bad thing" is for you to keep this "I need this weight off quickly" mentality and crash and burn again.

    Please, please see a professional. Your mental health is just as important as your physical health, if not more so.

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