My Husband Wants Me to Gain Back Some Weight

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pearso21123
pearso21123 Posts: 351 Member
in Motivation and Support
A little background (okay, maybe a lot of background so you get the full picture). Over the last year and a half I've lost about 80 lbs. For the past 6 months or so I've been in maintenance, not logging food but trying to incorporate all of the good habits I developed during my year of losing weight; eating healthy, being active, listening to my body for "real" hunger cues, etc. I'm still slowly losing weight but not trying. I'm 5' 4", about 118 lbs., BMI 20.3. My goal weight is/was 120 lbs, which was my normal weight before a desk job, an hour commute, and 4 kids caused me to gain the weight. Recently, my husband has been making comments that I'm getting too thin and that it wouldn't hurt if I gained back a few pounds. He wants his "pillow" back and some padding when snuggling with me. He says when he hugs me now all he can feel is bones and skin. This morning he said he was worried that I might become anorexic. I know everyone's first reaction will be "It's your body, do what you want as long as you're at a healthy weight," but I respect my husband's opinion. Part of the reason why I lost weight in the first place was to be physically attractive to him (most of it was for myself, but part of it was for him). Just as an aside, I was 120 lbs when I met my husband, so he has seen me this size before, it's just been awhile.

My husband has been fully supportive of my weight loss from the beginning. He was also fully supportive and loving when I was obese. He never told me that I needed to lose weight or that he wasn't completely happy with me, unless I really really pushed him for the truth. He always said he loved me no matter how big I got. So, to hear him saying that I'm getting too thin is a little worrying. For him to speak up and say something like that means that there may be some truth there, but how do I judge? I carry all of my weight in my hips/butt/thighs, so my upper body is very thin, but if I start to gain a little back that extra weight is going to go to my "problem" areas first, not my "bony" areas. So what do I do? I'm terrified of gaining back all of the weight I worked so hard to lose. I know this is ultimately my decision, but thought I'd post here for your thoughts on the matter. Has anyone else been through this? What did you do?
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Replies

  • clicketykeys
    clicketykeys Posts: 6,568 Member
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    Have you talked to your doctor? It could be that your husband is worried about your health because it's been awhile since he's seen you at this weight. Or that he needs to be VERY clear that it's ok if you gain some weight back. If you go for a checkup and take your husband WITH you, hearing the doctor say you're healthy might make him feel a bit more comortable.
  • DanerTee
    DanerTee Posts: 263 Member
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    I think bringing your husband to the Dr. with you to discuss the right weight for you looks-wise and health-wise would be best. That way, emotion is left out of it, and you and he can know what is best for you, and work towards it together. Its fantastic that he is willing to speak up for you, he obviously cares deeply!
  • PennWalker
    PennWalker Posts: 554 Member
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    EddieHaskell97 wrote: »
    Oh screw "talking to your doctor." You are well within your metrics. The question you face is where you want to be, as to where your husband wants your "pillows" to be.

    This isn't a medical issue, this is an issue you'll have to seriously contemplate. However, it's your body, and you decide what's good for you. Good luck!

    I agree with this... we can all look up the normal weight range for our height and your weight is normal. In the end, you are an adult and it is your body. More likely, your husband got used to a bigger you over the years so the new you doesn't seem "normal."
  • PennWalker
    PennWalker Posts: 554 Member
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    Adding that I looked up the weight/height range for a 5'4" woman and it is 107-145 pounds. I'm a 5'4" woman, too, so I already knew this. You can talk to a doctor if you want, but to me, in the end it's your body and what you want to weigh for yourself and your own happiness.
  • pearso21123
    pearso21123 Posts: 351 Member
    edited August 2016
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    PennWalker wrote: »
    EddieHaskell97 wrote: »
    Oh screw "talking to your doctor." You are well within your metrics. The question you face is where you want to be, as to where your husband wants your "pillows" to be.

    This isn't a medical issue, this is an issue you'll have to seriously contemplate. However, it's your body, and you decide what's good for you. Good luck!

    I agree with this... we can all look up the normal weight range for our height and your weight is normal. In the end, you are an adult and it is your body. More likely, your husband got used to a bigger you over the years so the new you doesn't seem "normal."

    I'm replying to you but really addressing this to everyone... First, regarding my doctor, he never said a single word as I made my way into the obese category, and never said a single word when I went back in for a checkup after losing 60 lbs. I don't even know if he noticed. Maybe it was because I never had any health issues? IDK, but that appointment was probably the most disappointing of my life. I thought that my own doctor would be pleased with my hard work, but he never even mentioned it.

    Anyway, regarding people getting used to the bigger you... After posting this, I thought of my mom, who's been saying that I look too thin since I hit the 123/124 lb mark. I kind of poo-poohed her and said I weighed the same and wear the same size clothes as I did in college, and she never said I was too thin back then. She just got used to seeing me fat. She denied it and said "No, you look thinner than you did back then." My brother nodded in agreement, though he never said anything out loud. Now my husband is saying it, and he's been LOVING my weight loss. He said this morning when I pointed out that I'm only a couple pounds lighter than when we met that I've had four kids since then and my body isn't the same anymore. So, maybe I do look thinner. If I could miraculously remove all of the loose skin hanging from me, I probably would be significantly lighter than I was back then. I'm definitely in the best shape of my life. I can run a 5K now. In high school, I could barely run for 5 minutes. I feel terrific and don't ever want to go back to where I was.

    My husband has requested that I go back up to about 125, which really isn't unreasonable and I don't think would point to him being used to seeing me bigger, he just liked me at that weight.

    lorrpb (how do you get this to turn blue?), the thought of going back to tracking my calories makes me want to cry, but I'd do it for my husband. That may be the way to go in the end. But how can I make sure I'm gaining muscle and not just fat? Or do I just have to settle for it being fat gain?
  • PennWalker
    PennWalker Posts: 554 Member
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    People say that you gain more muscle lifting weights than doing cardio.

    Good luck! I seriously believe a lot of your husband/family issues are people getting used to a bigger you, so now that you are normal, they think you are borderline ill. I've read about that reaction before many times when people lose a lot of weight. If people met them for the first time in a normal weight, they would think that was normal, not ill.
  • lithezebra
    lithezebra Posts: 3,670 Member
    edited August 2016
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    Maybe your husband just needs to be reassured that you still love him and need him. Losing 80 pounds is a big change, and changes are stressful.

    If it were me, I wouldn't try to gain, or stop working at maintaining. Gaining happens all too easily without trying. I'm about your height, weigh about what you do, have a bony upper body, and some padding in the lower body. Fortunately my husband likes my athletic build.
  • ninerbuff
    ninerbuff Posts: 48,503 Member
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    It's not uncommon for people who are lean to have an exercise regimen that beyond what the average person does. So it may be just concern by your husband. Feeling bones where he never felt them before could get anyone thinking even if your weight is well within your BMI range. Just talk to him about.

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  • Kanyon17
    Kanyon17 Posts: 156 Member
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    Maybe you could ask your husband what he thinks the difference would be for you to be 125. It's only 7lbs, i doubt it would make a world of difference from where you are now. I understand you don't see why you can't do this for him since it's 'reasonable' but I would have a discussion with him to try to understand what are his real motivations (he might not even realise what they are! It might be insecurities, genuine worries (that you can address without gaining weight because it will probably not stop his worries, etc.)
  • mom23mangos
    mom23mangos Posts: 3,070 Member
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    OP, I really feel you on this post. A lot of people on this site tend to not be supportive of the thought that some of us want to balance between what we feel most comfortable looking like and what our spouses like us to look like. I will say, that after kids my body does not store fat the same. I pretty much a ruler before with even BF distribution and now I'm like you with it settling around my lower body with a scrawny upper body.

    My husband does not like overly muscular women. When I workout, I tend to have very defined musculature on my upper body due to low body fat there. I actually like the look, but I have to determine where do I stop? And how do I keep up my fitness goals and strength gains without getting any more muscly. It's a hard delima. All I can say is good luck in your decision.
  • RachelElser
    RachelElser Posts: 427 Member
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    125 is still well within your BMI, yes? Right now you said you are still losing- not intentionally but a little at a time- so he may be worried about that little at a time growing into a lot over a long time. Talk to him about why 125? Why does he saw you are to thin? Do you now have the energy to go do stuff? Do you refuse to go out with friends and family over fear of over eating?
    Honestly, if 125 is in your BMI and you are content at that weight and it makes your husband happy at the same time, why not? If once you get there and he says again "Actually I think 135 would be better" then start to worry that he is sabotaging your health.
    Good luck with whatever decision you make!
  • sllm1
    sllm1 Posts: 2,114 Member
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    I would reassure him that you're not going to lose any more weight. Add in a snack and perhaps try to get back to your original goal of 120 instead of the 118. Maybe even set a comfortable range of 120-122. I could do all of that and not think of myself as "purposely" gaining weight. You're just upping your range a bit. I don't know if that makes sense in writing, but it does in my head. LOL
  • Lounmoun
    Lounmoun Posts: 8,426 Member
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    I am am 5'4" and have weighed from 100 lbs to 180 lbs as an adult. My ideal is 125 but a range somewhere between 125 and 145 is fine with me. My husband has expressed concern about me going too low in the beginning and we talked about my intention and goals.
    Maybe your dh is concerned because you have gone below your stated goal of 120. I would talk to him about how you feel, your fears, his concerns.
    Since you have been maintaining for 6 months I don't know that I'd agree multiple people you live with or see often just aren't used to the thinner you. I would try to figure out the top weight you can be comfortable at within the healthy weight range. Maybe it is 125 instead of 120 like you used to be. Try upping your calories a few hundred and more strength training for a few months and see how you like it.
  • enterdanger
    enterdanger Posts: 2,447 Member
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    pearso21123 wrote: »
    PennWalker wrote: »
    EddieHaskell97 wrote: »
    Oh screw "talking to your doctor." You are well within your metrics. The question you face is where you want to be, as to where your husband wants your "pillows" to be.

    This isn't a medical issue, this is an issue you'll have to seriously contemplate. However, it's your body, and you decide what's good for you. Good luck!

    I agree with this... we can all look up the normal weight range for our height and your weight is normal. In the end, you are an adult and it is your body. More likely, your husband got used to a bigger you over the years so the new you doesn't seem "normal."

    I'm replying to you but really addressing this to everyone... First, regarding my doctor, he never said a single word as I made my way into the obese category, and never said a single word when I went back in for a checkup after losing 60 lbs. I don't even know if he noticed. Maybe it was because I never had any health issues? IDK, but that appointment was probably the most disappointing of my life. I thought that my own doctor would be pleased with my hard work, but he never even mentioned it.

    Anyway, regarding people getting used to the bigger you... After posting this, I thought of my mom, who's been saying that I look too thin since I hit the 123/124 lb mark. I kind of poo-poohed her and said I weighed the same and wear the same size clothes as I did in college, and she never said I was too thin back then. She just got used to seeing me fat. She denied it and said "No, you look thinner than you did back then." My brother nodded in agreement, though he never said anything out loud. Now my husband is saying it, and he's been LOVING my weight loss. He said this morning when I pointed out that I'm only a couple pounds lighter than when we met that I've had four kids since then and my body isn't the same anymore. So, maybe I do look thinner. If I could miraculously remove all of the loose skin hanging from me, I probably would be significantly lighter than I was back then. I'm definitely in the best shape of my life. I can run a 5K now. In high school, I could barely run for 5 minutes. I feel terrific and don't ever want to go back to where I was.

    My husband has requested that I go back up to about 125, which really isn't unreasonable and I don't think would point to him being used to seeing me bigger, he just liked me at that weight.

    lorrpb (how do you get this to turn blue?), the thought of going back to tracking my calories makes me want to cry, but I'd do it for my husband. That may be the way to go in the end. But how can I make sure I'm gaining muscle and not just fat? Or do I just have to settle for it being fat gain?

    Your husband obviously loves you very much. I don't see a ton of difference between 120-125lbs. Would it be so bad to gain 5lbs? Like others said, the weight probably redistributed differently. Maybe add some strength training into your work out and switch out some of the cardio. Don't eat at a deficit. I've always wanted to say this, but maybe now it is time to recomp? hehe. I hope I get there someday. Strength training and eating at maintenance or a very small surplus should help you maybe put on the 5lbs or so hubs thinks you need while gaining muscle and not fat.

    Oh, and I wanted to say congrats on your weight loss. That is fabulous.
  • jdhcm2006
    jdhcm2006 Posts: 2,254 Member
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    OP, I personally don't think it would be terrible to try to find a compromise here, BUT I've never been in the situation where someone has outright asked me to gain weight. I've of course ran into the "stop losing weight" comments.

    It's 5 pounds from what you consider to be your ideal goal. How did you feel at 125? Did you feel good? Healthy? Strong?

    I would do as someone else recommended, which is do a small bulk while strength training (be it bodyweight or heavy lifting), that way it's muscle and not fat. You might even find that you like the way to look better after the bulk.
  • ksamp39
    ksamp39 Posts: 20 Member
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    I'm 5ft6 and 105 lbs and I love my tiny frame and so does my partner but even if he didn't it would be tough! You can't ever be happy striving for someone else's idea of perfection IMO :) as others said it's your body.

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