My Husband Wants Me to Gain Back Some Weight
pearso21123
Posts: 351 Member
A little background (okay, maybe a lot of background so you get the full picture). Over the last year and a half I've lost about 80 lbs. For the past 6 months or so I've been in maintenance, not logging food but trying to incorporate all of the good habits I developed during my year of losing weight; eating healthy, being active, listening to my body for "real" hunger cues, etc. I'm still slowly losing weight but not trying. I'm 5' 4", about 118 lbs., BMI 20.3. My goal weight is/was 120 lbs, which was my normal weight before a desk job, an hour commute, and 4 kids caused me to gain the weight. Recently, my husband has been making comments that I'm getting too thin and that it wouldn't hurt if I gained back a few pounds. He wants his "pillow" back and some padding when snuggling with me. He says when he hugs me now all he can feel is bones and skin. This morning he said he was worried that I might become anorexic. I know everyone's first reaction will be "It's your body, do what you want as long as you're at a healthy weight," but I respect my husband's opinion. Part of the reason why I lost weight in the first place was to be physically attractive to him (most of it was for myself, but part of it was for him). Just as an aside, I was 120 lbs when I met my husband, so he has seen me this size before, it's just been awhile.
My husband has been fully supportive of my weight loss from the beginning. He was also fully supportive and loving when I was obese. He never told me that I needed to lose weight or that he wasn't completely happy with me, unless I really really pushed him for the truth. He always said he loved me no matter how big I got. So, to hear him saying that I'm getting too thin is a little worrying. For him to speak up and say something like that means that there may be some truth there, but how do I judge? I carry all of my weight in my hips/butt/thighs, so my upper body is very thin, but if I start to gain a little back that extra weight is going to go to my "problem" areas first, not my "bony" areas. So what do I do? I'm terrified of gaining back all of the weight I worked so hard to lose. I know this is ultimately my decision, but thought I'd post here for your thoughts on the matter. Has anyone else been through this? What did you do?
My husband has been fully supportive of my weight loss from the beginning. He was also fully supportive and loving when I was obese. He never told me that I needed to lose weight or that he wasn't completely happy with me, unless I really really pushed him for the truth. He always said he loved me no matter how big I got. So, to hear him saying that I'm getting too thin is a little worrying. For him to speak up and say something like that means that there may be some truth there, but how do I judge? I carry all of my weight in my hips/butt/thighs, so my upper body is very thin, but if I start to gain a little back that extra weight is going to go to my "problem" areas first, not my "bony" areas. So what do I do? I'm terrified of gaining back all of the weight I worked so hard to lose. I know this is ultimately my decision, but thought I'd post here for your thoughts on the matter. Has anyone else been through this? What did you do?
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Replies
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I'm glad your hubby has been so supportive of your efforts. You are on the low end of a healthy BMI snd your hubby prob sees that, thus his concern. You might carry your weight differently than when you were younger so you can't really compare. I suggest that you share your concerns stated here with hubby and together work out a plan to help you acieve a healthy weight & look without weight getting out of control as you fear. If you track your calories, you can gain an appropriate amount without losing control.6
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Have you talked to your doctor? It could be that your husband is worried about your health because it's been awhile since he's seen you at this weight. Or that he needs to be VERY clear that it's ok if you gain some weight back. If you go for a checkup and take your husband WITH you, hearing the doctor say you're healthy might make him feel a bit more comortable.2
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Oh screw "talking to your doctor." You are well within your metrics. The question you face is where you want to be, as to where your husband wants your "pillows" to be.
This isn't a medical issue, this is an issue you'll have to seriously contemplate. However, it's your body, and you decide what's good for you. Good luck!15 -
I think bringing your husband to the Dr. with you to discuss the right weight for you looks-wise and health-wise would be best. That way, emotion is left out of it, and you and he can know what is best for you, and work towards it together. Its fantastic that he is willing to speak up for you, he obviously cares deeply!3
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EddieHaskell97 wrote: »Oh screw "talking to your doctor." You are well within your metrics. The question you face is where you want to be, as to where your husband wants your "pillows" to be.
This isn't a medical issue, this is an issue you'll have to seriously contemplate. However, it's your body, and you decide what's good for you. Good luck!
I agree with this... we can all look up the normal weight range for our height and your weight is normal. In the end, you are an adult and it is your body. More likely, your husband got used to a bigger you over the years so the new you doesn't seem "normal."4 -
Adding that I looked up the weight/height range for a 5'4" woman and it is 107-145 pounds. I'm a 5'4" woman, too, so I already knew this. You can talk to a doctor if you want, but to me, in the end it's your body and what you want to weigh for yourself and your own happiness.4
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PennWalker wrote: »EddieHaskell97 wrote: »Oh screw "talking to your doctor." You are well within your metrics. The question you face is where you want to be, as to where your husband wants your "pillows" to be.
This isn't a medical issue, this is an issue you'll have to seriously contemplate. However, it's your body, and you decide what's good for you. Good luck!
I agree with this... we can all look up the normal weight range for our height and your weight is normal. In the end, you are an adult and it is your body. More likely, your husband got used to a bigger you over the years so the new you doesn't seem "normal."
I'm replying to you but really addressing this to everyone... First, regarding my doctor, he never said a single word as I made my way into the obese category, and never said a single word when I went back in for a checkup after losing 60 lbs. I don't even know if he noticed. Maybe it was because I never had any health issues? IDK, but that appointment was probably the most disappointing of my life. I thought that my own doctor would be pleased with my hard work, but he never even mentioned it.
Anyway, regarding people getting used to the bigger you... After posting this, I thought of my mom, who's been saying that I look too thin since I hit the 123/124 lb mark. I kind of poo-poohed her and said I weighed the same and wear the same size clothes as I did in college, and she never said I was too thin back then. She just got used to seeing me fat. She denied it and said "No, you look thinner than you did back then." My brother nodded in agreement, though he never said anything out loud. Now my husband is saying it, and he's been LOVING my weight loss. He said this morning when I pointed out that I'm only a couple pounds lighter than when we met that I've had four kids since then and my body isn't the same anymore. So, maybe I do look thinner. If I could miraculously remove all of the loose skin hanging from me, I probably would be significantly lighter than I was back then. I'm definitely in the best shape of my life. I can run a 5K now. In high school, I could barely run for 5 minutes. I feel terrific and don't ever want to go back to where I was.
My husband has requested that I go back up to about 125, which really isn't unreasonable and I don't think would point to him being used to seeing me bigger, he just liked me at that weight.
lorrpb (how do you get this to turn blue?), the thought of going back to tracking my calories makes me want to cry, but I'd do it for my husband. That may be the way to go in the end. But how can I make sure I'm gaining muscle and not just fat? Or do I just have to settle for it being fat gain?
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People say that you gain more muscle lifting weights than doing cardio.
Good luck! I seriously believe a lot of your husband/family issues are people getting used to a bigger you, so now that you are normal, they think you are borderline ill. I've read about that reaction before many times when people lose a lot of weight. If people met them for the first time in a normal weight, they would think that was normal, not ill.2 -
I was going to say this before your last post.....
By the look of your profile pic you do cardio, run. This, along with some muscle loss from losing weight could well have left you with a slightly 'bony' look to your upper body. (Sorry couldn't think of a better descriptor)
Why not try some weight lifting? This could help strengthen you upper body (lower too) and give it a more 'filled in' look.
As you are even a bit under your goal weight you could look at doing a clean bulk, 200-250 cals extra a day while lifting weights, which will, over time, add muscle as well as a little fat and help sculpt your body.
You will like the shape of your body at a slightly higher weight, and your husband will be happy.
Cheers, h.
PS With regards to lose skin, it can take a couple of years for it to retract to the full extent it is capable of.16 -
Maybe your husband just needs to be reassured that you still love him and need him. Losing 80 pounds is a big change, and changes are stressful.
If it were me, I wouldn't try to gain, or stop working at maintaining. Gaining happens all too easily without trying. I'm about your height, weigh about what you do, have a bony upper body, and some padding in the lower body. Fortunately my husband likes my athletic build.4 -
It's not uncommon for people who are lean to have an exercise regimen that beyond what the average person does. So it may be just concern by your husband. Feeling bones where he never felt them before could get anyone thinking even if your weight is well within your BMI range. Just talk to him about.
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Maybe you could ask your husband what he thinks the difference would be for you to be 125. It's only 7lbs, i doubt it would make a world of difference from where you are now. I understand you don't see why you can't do this for him since it's 'reasonable' but I would have a discussion with him to try to understand what are his real motivations (he might not even realise what they are! It might be insecurities, genuine worries (that you can address without gaining weight because it will probably not stop his worries, etc.)2
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OP, I really feel you on this post. A lot of people on this site tend to not be supportive of the thought that some of us want to balance between what we feel most comfortable looking like and what our spouses like us to look like. I will say, that after kids my body does not store fat the same. I pretty much a ruler before with even BF distribution and now I'm like you with it settling around my lower body with a scrawny upper body.
My husband does not like overly muscular women. When I workout, I tend to have very defined musculature on my upper body due to low body fat there. I actually like the look, but I have to determine where do I stop? And how do I keep up my fitness goals and strength gains without getting any more muscly. It's a hard delima. All I can say is good luck in your decision.2 -
125 is still well within your BMI, yes? Right now you said you are still losing- not intentionally but a little at a time- so he may be worried about that little at a time growing into a lot over a long time. Talk to him about why 125? Why does he saw you are to thin? Do you now have the energy to go do stuff? Do you refuse to go out with friends and family over fear of over eating?
Honestly, if 125 is in your BMI and you are content at that weight and it makes your husband happy at the same time, why not? If once you get there and he says again "Actually I think 135 would be better" then start to worry that he is sabotaging your health.
Good luck with whatever decision you make!3 -
I would reassure him that you're not going to lose any more weight. Add in a snack and perhaps try to get back to your original goal of 120 instead of the 118. Maybe even set a comfortable range of 120-122. I could do all of that and not think of myself as "purposely" gaining weight. You're just upping your range a bit. I don't know if that makes sense in writing, but it does in my head. LOL2
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I am am 5'4" and have weighed from 100 lbs to 180 lbs as an adult. My ideal is 125 but a range somewhere between 125 and 145 is fine with me. My husband has expressed concern about me going too low in the beginning and we talked about my intention and goals.
Maybe your dh is concerned because you have gone below your stated goal of 120. I would talk to him about how you feel, your fears, his concerns.
Since you have been maintaining for 6 months I don't know that I'd agree multiple people you live with or see often just aren't used to the thinner you. I would try to figure out the top weight you can be comfortable at within the healthy weight range. Maybe it is 125 instead of 120 like you used to be. Try upping your calories a few hundred and more strength training for a few months and see how you like it.
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I'm 5'2, 47 years old...have been in maintenance for a few months as well. My hubby has also stated his favorite weight for my body is 125...which is sad because I hit 119 last week..lol. He has seen me very thin, to very heavy, and has loved me through all of it. I've decided I'm willing to gain a few back, with muscle, to make him and I both happy at the same time. See, he sees me in a way I don't see me. He sees the clavicles and bones becoming more prominent, he sees the age becoming more obvious on my skinnier face, and he sees my butt and boobs disappearing..lol...I see the numbers on the scale, and how my clothes fit..6
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pearso21123 wrote: »PennWalker wrote: »EddieHaskell97 wrote: »Oh screw "talking to your doctor." You are well within your metrics. The question you face is where you want to be, as to where your husband wants your "pillows" to be.
This isn't a medical issue, this is an issue you'll have to seriously contemplate. However, it's your body, and you decide what's good for you. Good luck!
I agree with this... we can all look up the normal weight range for our height and your weight is normal. In the end, you are an adult and it is your body. More likely, your husband got used to a bigger you over the years so the new you doesn't seem "normal."
I'm replying to you but really addressing this to everyone... First, regarding my doctor, he never said a single word as I made my way into the obese category, and never said a single word when I went back in for a checkup after losing 60 lbs. I don't even know if he noticed. Maybe it was because I never had any health issues? IDK, but that appointment was probably the most disappointing of my life. I thought that my own doctor would be pleased with my hard work, but he never even mentioned it.
Anyway, regarding people getting used to the bigger you... After posting this, I thought of my mom, who's been saying that I look too thin since I hit the 123/124 lb mark. I kind of poo-poohed her and said I weighed the same and wear the same size clothes as I did in college, and she never said I was too thin back then. She just got used to seeing me fat. She denied it and said "No, you look thinner than you did back then." My brother nodded in agreement, though he never said anything out loud. Now my husband is saying it, and he's been LOVING my weight loss. He said this morning when I pointed out that I'm only a couple pounds lighter than when we met that I've had four kids since then and my body isn't the same anymore. So, maybe I do look thinner. If I could miraculously remove all of the loose skin hanging from me, I probably would be significantly lighter than I was back then. I'm definitely in the best shape of my life. I can run a 5K now. In high school, I could barely run for 5 minutes. I feel terrific and don't ever want to go back to where I was.
My husband has requested that I go back up to about 125, which really isn't unreasonable and I don't think would point to him being used to seeing me bigger, he just liked me at that weight.
lorrpb (how do you get this to turn blue?), the thought of going back to tracking my calories makes me want to cry, but I'd do it for my husband. That may be the way to go in the end. But how can I make sure I'm gaining muscle and not just fat? Or do I just have to settle for it being fat gain?
Your husband obviously loves you very much. I don't see a ton of difference between 120-125lbs. Would it be so bad to gain 5lbs? Like others said, the weight probably redistributed differently. Maybe add some strength training into your work out and switch out some of the cardio. Don't eat at a deficit. I've always wanted to say this, but maybe now it is time to recomp? hehe. I hope I get there someday. Strength training and eating at maintenance or a very small surplus should help you maybe put on the 5lbs or so hubs thinks you need while gaining muscle and not fat.
Oh, and I wanted to say congrats on your weight loss. That is fabulous.2 -
OP, I personally don't think it would be terrible to try to find a compromise here, BUT I've never been in the situation where someone has outright asked me to gain weight. I've of course ran into the "stop losing weight" comments.
It's 5 pounds from what you consider to be your ideal goal. How did you feel at 125? Did you feel good? Healthy? Strong?
I would do as someone else recommended, which is do a small bulk while strength training (be it bodyweight or heavy lifting), that way it's muscle and not fat. You might even find that you like the way to look better after the bulk.2 -
I'm 5ft6 and 105 lbs and I love my tiny frame and so does my partner but even if he didn't it would be tough! You can't ever be happy striving for someone else's idea of perfection IMO
as others said it's your body. 2 -
Is it possible your husband is actually insecure himself about weight and therefore would prefer you heavier?2
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I'm exactly your height and weight and my husband also prefers me a few pounds heavier, closer to 130 than 115. I also care about him finding me attractive, but at the end of the day we're not talking a huge amount of weight or a huge difference in size and it's not make-or-break for either of us, really. I like myself better thinner, he likes me a little softer, but it's not like he's repelled by ten pounds, you know?
The issue in my husband's case is that he likes me bustier and those pounds are a 2-cup size difference, but we had a talk one day and I explained to him that I feel like I look better to myself and better in my clothes and run faster at my lower weight, and that it's important to me to stay where I am because of that.
At the holidays and usually for a while around our summer vacation I tend to puff up a bit anyway because workouts get neglected and food and drink is abundant, so he just lives for those few weeks and respects my feelings the rest of the time. He's learned that I'm easier to live with if I'm feeling good about my body and I just don't feel that way when I'm, um, busting out...but sometimes I'd rather stuff myself with christmas cookies and deal with the side effects, lol.
All this to say that I'm not sure if I have a solution for you but that I really don't feel that such a small amount of weight is going to negatively affect either of you all that much, so do whatever makes you happiest, whether that's maintaining your low weight or putting on a couple pounds for his sake.3 -
I think maybe give everyone time to get used to the new you before doing much (except upping your calories enough so that you do not continue to lose weight).
If the last time you were 120 was a number of years ago and before 4 kids, it is to be expected that your body won't look the same as it did then, even at the same weight. Gaining 5 pounds is not going to magically take away loose skin or add weight just in the places he finds too thin.
Get some thick fuzzy jammies for snuggling and tell him to stuff it.
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I think I would second the idea of recomp. Or at least getting started on a lifting/bodyweight program and adding a few calories to make sure you don't continue to lose. You could always set your maintenance goal for 122lbs so that you've got a little wiggle room so you don't continue to lose.
Bodies change over the years, especially after having kids. It's very possible for you to look thinner now than the last time you were this weight. I know I do. Last time I was this weight, I was bigger than I am now. I think it was a size 11. Currently I'm probably a 7, haven't bought anything new lately so can't say for sure, but my 9's are a bit big.0 -
Why don't you try to stop losing?
You are past goal and still losing. It sounds like it is concerning to your husband, but is it not concerning to you?2 -
pearso21123 wrote: »PennWalker wrote: »EddieHaskell97 wrote: »Oh screw "talking to your doctor." You are well within your metrics. The question you face is where you want to be, as to where your husband wants your "pillows" to be.
This isn't a medical issue, this is an issue you'll have to seriously contemplate. However, it's your body, and you decide what's good for you. Good luck!
I agree with this... we can all look up the normal weight range for our height and your weight is normal. In the end, you are an adult and it is your body. More likely, your husband got used to a bigger you over the years so the new you doesn't seem "normal."
I'm replying to you but really addressing this to everyone... First, regarding my doctor, he never said a single word as I made my way into the obese category, and never said a single word when I went back in for a checkup after losing 60 lbs. I don't even know if he noticed. Maybe it was because I never had any health issues? IDK, but that appointment was probably the most disappointing of my life. I thought that my own doctor would be pleased with my hard work, but he never even mentioned it.
Anyway, regarding people getting used to the bigger you... After posting this, I thought of my mom, who's been saying that I look too thin since I hit the 123/124 lb mark. I kind of poo-poohed her and said I weighed the same and wear the same size clothes as I did in college, and she never said I was too thin back then. She just got used to seeing me fat. She denied it and said "No, you look thinner than you did back then." My brother nodded in agreement, though he never said anything out loud. Now my husband is saying it, and he's been LOVING my weight loss. He said this morning when I pointed out that I'm only a couple pounds lighter than when we met that I've had four kids since then and my body isn't the same anymore. So, maybe I do look thinner. If I could miraculously remove all of the loose skin hanging from me, I probably would be significantly lighter than I was back then. I'm definitely in the best shape of my life. I can run a 5K now. In high school, I could barely run for 5 minutes. I feel terrific and don't ever want to go back to where I was.
My husband has requested that I go back up to about 125, which really isn't unreasonable and I don't think would point to him being used to seeing me bigger, he just liked me at that weight.
lorrpb (how do you get this to turn blue?), the thought of going back to tracking my calories makes me want to cry, but I'd do it for my husband. That may be the way to go in the end. But how can I make sure I'm gaining muscle and not just fat? Or do I just have to settle for it being fat gain?
You make it turn blue by putting @ in front of the username and you get a pick list to choose from, about half the time. lol.
Eat lots of protein, I think about 100g per day, and do strength training. The people who frequent the Fitness & Exercise forum can give you a lot of advice about this.
Also, gain back slowly, no more than .5 lb per week. That should also help you feel like you're keeping control of the situation. That's only 250-500 extra cals per day.0 -
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Here is a list of lifting/bodyweight programmes. Read through them and chose one that fits your needs, suits you.
If you don't want to get into barbell lifting right now do hand weights or body weight.
Re calculate your maintenance and eat that plus a good percentage of your exercise calories so you are not continuing your slow loss.
That will give you a recomp.
You could even do a bulk as you are a little under your goal weight. That is eating as above plus 200-250 cals. Muscle is gained a little faster that way.
Women, when diet is on point and plenty of protein is eaten, can expect to gain a max of 1lbs muscle gain a month.
http://community.myfitnesspal.com/en/discussion/10332083/which-lifting-program-is-the-best-for-you/p1
Cheers, h.0 -
On the flip side here, I had that moment where my BF was following me in his car and I looked in the rearview mirror and thought he looked older than usual and kind of gaunt. He was at the lowest weight he's been at since we've been together, going on 7 years now. I didn't mention anything at the time, and he has since found some of the weight again. Now I've pointed it out and he likes that he has a number now that he shouldn't get down to. I'll take the slight dad-bod over that gaunt look I think some thinner older men develop.
Not sure how weight redistributes for women over the years, but my brother is in the same boat with his wife. She is a size zero and is addicted to exercise. He'd love to see her gain some weight, but doesn't bring it up much except jokingly because it's something she enjoys so much. Good luck!0 -
Intrinsicat wrote: »On the flip side here, I had that moment where my BF was following me in his car and I looked in the rearview mirror and thought he looked older than usual and kind of gaunt. He was at the lowest weight he's been at since we've been together, going on 7 years now. I didn't mention anything at the time, and he has since found some of the weight again. Now I've pointed it out and he likes that he has a number now that he shouldn't get down to. I'll take the slight dad-bod over that gaunt look I think some thinner older men develop.
Not sure how weight redistributes for women over the years, but my brother is in the same boat with his wife. She is a size zero and is addicted to exercise. He'd love to see her gain some weight, but doesn't bring it up much except jokingly because it's something she enjoys so much. Good luck!
Thank you for this POV. I don't think I look gaunt, but who can tell? Mirrors are such lying creatures. It's definitely something to keep in mind.1
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