My Husband Wants Me to Gain Back Some Weight
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Is it possible your husband is actually insecure himself about weight and therefore would prefer you heavier?2
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I'm exactly your height and weight and my husband also prefers me a few pounds heavier, closer to 130 than 115. I also care about him finding me attractive, but at the end of the day we're not talking a huge amount of weight or a huge difference in size and it's not make-or-break for either of us, really. I like myself better thinner, he likes me a little softer, but it's not like he's repelled by ten pounds, you know?
The issue in my husband's case is that he likes me bustier and those pounds are a 2-cup size difference, but we had a talk one day and I explained to him that I feel like I look better to myself and better in my clothes and run faster at my lower weight, and that it's important to me to stay where I am because of that.
At the holidays and usually for a while around our summer vacation I tend to puff up a bit anyway because workouts get neglected and food and drink is abundant, so he just lives for those few weeks and respects my feelings the rest of the time. He's learned that I'm easier to live with if I'm feeling good about my body and I just don't feel that way when I'm, um, busting out...but sometimes I'd rather stuff myself with christmas cookies and deal with the side effects, lol.
All this to say that I'm not sure if I have a solution for you but that I really don't feel that such a small amount of weight is going to negatively affect either of you all that much, so do whatever makes you happiest, whether that's maintaining your low weight or putting on a couple pounds for his sake.3 -
I think maybe give everyone time to get used to the new you before doing much (except upping your calories enough so that you do not continue to lose weight).
If the last time you were 120 was a number of years ago and before 4 kids, it is to be expected that your body won't look the same as it did then, even at the same weight. Gaining 5 pounds is not going to magically take away loose skin or add weight just in the places he finds too thin.
Get some thick fuzzy jammies for snuggling and tell him to stuff it.
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I think I would second the idea of recomp. Or at least getting started on a lifting/bodyweight program and adding a few calories to make sure you don't continue to lose. You could always set your maintenance goal for 122lbs so that you've got a little wiggle room so you don't continue to lose.
Bodies change over the years, especially after having kids. It's very possible for you to look thinner now than the last time you were this weight. I know I do. Last time I was this weight, I was bigger than I am now. I think it was a size 11. Currently I'm probably a 7, haven't bought anything new lately so can't say for sure, but my 9's are a bit big.0 -
Why don't you try to stop losing?
You are past goal and still losing. It sounds like it is concerning to your husband, but is it not concerning to you?2 -
pearso21123 wrote: »PennWalker wrote: »EddieHaskell97 wrote: »Oh screw "talking to your doctor." You are well within your metrics. The question you face is where you want to be, as to where your husband wants your "pillows" to be.
This isn't a medical issue, this is an issue you'll have to seriously contemplate. However, it's your body, and you decide what's good for you. Good luck!
I agree with this... we can all look up the normal weight range for our height and your weight is normal. In the end, you are an adult and it is your body. More likely, your husband got used to a bigger you over the years so the new you doesn't seem "normal."
I'm replying to you but really addressing this to everyone... First, regarding my doctor, he never said a single word as I made my way into the obese category, and never said a single word when I went back in for a checkup after losing 60 lbs. I don't even know if he noticed. Maybe it was because I never had any health issues? IDK, but that appointment was probably the most disappointing of my life. I thought that my own doctor would be pleased with my hard work, but he never even mentioned it.
Anyway, regarding people getting used to the bigger you... After posting this, I thought of my mom, who's been saying that I look too thin since I hit the 123/124 lb mark. I kind of poo-poohed her and said I weighed the same and wear the same size clothes as I did in college, and she never said I was too thin back then. She just got used to seeing me fat. She denied it and said "No, you look thinner than you did back then." My brother nodded in agreement, though he never said anything out loud. Now my husband is saying it, and he's been LOVING my weight loss. He said this morning when I pointed out that I'm only a couple pounds lighter than when we met that I've had four kids since then and my body isn't the same anymore. So, maybe I do look thinner. If I could miraculously remove all of the loose skin hanging from me, I probably would be significantly lighter than I was back then. I'm definitely in the best shape of my life. I can run a 5K now. In high school, I could barely run for 5 minutes. I feel terrific and don't ever want to go back to where I was.
My husband has requested that I go back up to about 125, which really isn't unreasonable and I don't think would point to him being used to seeing me bigger, he just liked me at that weight.
lorrpb (how do you get this to turn blue?), the thought of going back to tracking my calories makes me want to cry, but I'd do it for my husband. That may be the way to go in the end. But how can I make sure I'm gaining muscle and not just fat? Or do I just have to settle for it being fat gain?
You make it turn blue by putting @ in front of the username and you get a pick list to choose from, about half the time. lol.
Eat lots of protein, I think about 100g per day, and do strength training. The people who frequent the Fitness & Exercise forum can give you a lot of advice about this.
Also, gain back slowly, no more than .5 lb per week. That should also help you feel like you're keeping control of the situation. That's only 250-500 extra cals per day.0 -
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Here is a list of lifting/bodyweight programmes. Read through them and chose one that fits your needs, suits you.
If you don't want to get into barbell lifting right now do hand weights or body weight.
Re calculate your maintenance and eat that plus a good percentage of your exercise calories so you are not continuing your slow loss.
That will give you a recomp.
You could even do a bulk as you are a little under your goal weight. That is eating as above plus 200-250 cals. Muscle is gained a little faster that way.
Women, when diet is on point and plenty of protein is eaten, can expect to gain a max of 1lbs muscle gain a month.
http://community.myfitnesspal.com/en/discussion/10332083/which-lifting-program-is-the-best-for-you/p1
Cheers, h.0 -
On the flip side here, I had that moment where my BF was following me in his car and I looked in the rearview mirror and thought he looked older than usual and kind of gaunt. He was at the lowest weight he's been at since we've been together, going on 7 years now. I didn't mention anything at the time, and he has since found some of the weight again. Now I've pointed it out and he likes that he has a number now that he shouldn't get down to. I'll take the slight dad-bod over that gaunt look I think some thinner older men develop.
Not sure how weight redistributes for women over the years, but my brother is in the same boat with his wife. She is a size zero and is addicted to exercise. He'd love to see her gain some weight, but doesn't bring it up much except jokingly because it's something she enjoys so much. Good luck!0 -
Intrinsicat wrote: »On the flip side here, I had that moment where my BF was following me in his car and I looked in the rearview mirror and thought he looked older than usual and kind of gaunt. He was at the lowest weight he's been at since we've been together, going on 7 years now. I didn't mention anything at the time, and he has since found some of the weight again. Now I've pointed it out and he likes that he has a number now that he shouldn't get down to. I'll take the slight dad-bod over that gaunt look I think some thinner older men develop.
Not sure how weight redistributes for women over the years, but my brother is in the same boat with his wife. She is a size zero and is addicted to exercise. He'd love to see her gain some weight, but doesn't bring it up much except jokingly because it's something she enjoys so much. Good luck!
Thank you for this POV. I don't think I look gaunt, but who can tell? Mirrors are such lying creatures. It's definitely something to keep in mind.1 -
middlehaitch wrote: »Here is a list of lifting/bodyweight programmes. Read through them and chose one that fits your needs, suits you.
If you don't want to get into barbell lifting right now do hand weights or body weight.
Re calculate your maintenance and eat that plus a good percentage of your exercise calories so you are not continuing your slow loss.
That will give you a recomp.
You could even do a bulk as you are a little under your goal weight. That is eating as above plus 200-250 cals. Muscle is gained a little faster that way.
Women, when diet is on point and plenty of protein is eaten, can expect to gain a max of 1lbs muscle gain a month.
http://community.myfitnesspal.com/en/discussion/10332083/which-lifting-program-is-the-best-for-you/p1
Cheers, h.
Thank you!! I've printed off the first program, since it looked like the least intimidating and something that even I could do. It just so happens that my husband lifts and he recently asked if I wanted to start lifting together. I may have to take him up on that offer, but just with baby weights to start.3 -
Need2Exerc1se wrote: »Why don't you try to stop losing?
You are past goal and still losing. It sounds like it is concerning to your husband, but is it not concerning to you?
I'm not particularly concerned because it's only a few pounds, plus I historically gain 5 pounds in the winter, which is right around the corner. If I keep losing too much more, then I'll be concerned.0 -
I'm exactly your height and weight and my husband also prefers me a few pounds heavier, closer to 130 than 115. I also care about him finding me attractive, but at the end of the day we're not talking a huge amount of weight or a huge difference in size and it's not make-or-break for either of us, really. I like myself better thinner, he likes me a little softer, but it's not like he's repelled by ten pounds, you know?
The issue in my husband's case is that he likes me bustier and those pounds are a 2-cup size difference, but we had a talk one day and I explained to him that I feel like I look better to myself and better in my clothes and run faster at my lower weight, and that it's important to me to stay where I am because of that.
At the holidays and usually for a while around our summer vacation I tend to puff up a bit anyway because workouts get neglected and food and drink is abundant, so he just lives for those few weeks and respects my feelings the rest of the time. He's learned that I'm easier to live with if I'm feeling good about my body and I just don't feel that way when I'm, um, busting out...but sometimes I'd rather stuff myself with christmas cookies and deal with the side effects, lol.
All this to say that I'm not sure if I have a solution for you but that I really don't feel that such a small amount of weight is going to negatively affect either of you all that much, so do whatever makes you happiest, whether that's maintaining your low weight or putting on a couple pounds for his sake.
It sounds like we're in the same boat. My husband has told me before that he likes "softer" women. He doesn't dislike extremely fit women, but they're not what he prefers. I never had much up top to start with; it's my bottom that he uses as a pillow. He just likes laying his head on me when we're watching t.v. and I'm not as soft as I used to be. I used to always gain about 5 pounds every winter, which is why I'm not too worried about being a little under my goal weight now. It's easy to eat healthy in the summer, with a garden full of fresh veggies to snack on. I haven't been at maintenance long enough to know, yet, but maybe we'll end up in a similar cycle, weight low in summer and me happy, weight a little higher in winter and him happy. That would be a livable deal...1 -
Is it possible your husband is actually insecure himself about weight and therefore would prefer you heavier?
It's doubtful, considering how much he's been enjoying my weight loss. I think he's truly concerned. He's lost about 40 lbs since I started losing. We said to each other, we got out of shape together and now we're getting back into shape together.2 -
Your husband obviously loves you very much. I don't see a ton of difference between 120-125lbs. Would it be so bad to gain 5lbs? Like others said, the weight probably redistributed differently. Maybe add some strength training into your work out and switch out some of the cardio. Don't eat at a deficit. I've always wanted to say this, but maybe now it is time to recomp? hehe. I hope I get there someday. Strength training and eating at maintenance or a very small surplus should help you maybe put on the 5lbs or so hubs thinks you need while gaining muscle and not fat.
Oh, and I wanted to say congrats on your weight loss. That is fabulous.
Thank you. I honestly never thought I'd be in a position of considering a recomp. I only even know what that is because of what I've read on the forums, and I never really spent any time studying the whole concept. I thought recomp was just something bodybuilders did, not "normal" people. This whole lifestyle change thing is full of surprises.
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I would reassure him that you're not going to lose any more weight. Add in a snack and perhaps try to get back to your original goal of 120 instead of the 118. Maybe even set a comfortable range of 120-122. I could do all of that and not think of myself as "purposely" gaining weight. You're just upping your range a bit. I don't know if that makes sense in writing, but it does in my head. LOL
Makes sense to me, too, and just the type of "psyche" strategy needed so I don't freak out over "gaining" a few pounds. Not gaining, just increasing my range a bit. Perfect.1 -
mom23mangos wrote: »OP, I really feel you on this post. A lot of people on this site tend to not be supportive of the thought that some of us want to balance between what we feel most comfortable looking like and what our spouses like us to look like. I will say, that after kids my body does not store fat the same. I pretty much a ruler before with even BF distribution and now I'm like you with it settling around my lower body with a scrawny upper body.
My husband does not like overly muscular women. When I workout, I tend to have very defined musculature on my upper body due to low body fat there. I actually like the look, but I have to determine where do I stop? And how do I keep up my fitness goals and strength gains without getting any more muscly. It's a hard delima. All I can say is good luck in your decision.
Thank you for the support. It's nice to know that other people understand.0 -
pearso21123 wrote: »Thank you for this POV. I don't think I look gaunt, but who can tell? Mirrors are such lying creatures. It's definitely something to keep in mind.
It's true, it can be hard to see ourselves as we really are even in a mirror - have you tried looking at recent pictures of yourself? If you don't have any good ones, maybe put on an outfit you feel really good in and ask your hubby to take some photos. Try to study them objectively and assess how you look and how you feel about it... perhaps that might help you to see whether or not his concern is really justified?
It might also be, as you said, that with your normal weight gain in winter there'll be different times when you and he both feel happier with the way you look and that might turn out to be a good compromise. In the warmer months you could always put a cushion on your lap for him!
All in all, though, it's great that he's been so supportive of your weight loss and that he continues to be honest with you. Best of luck with whatever you decide to do!
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I say stuff doing what others want. You've given your body away to everyone else over the years time to do what u want. Men are such insecure creatures despite the bravado, they need to be reassured. Maybe he feels insecure you're thin n thus more 'attractive' to other men in his eyes, maybe he's jealous and your weight loss makes him feel bad about himself. Who knows. The underlying thing is do what YOU want. It's your body. If he bloody pushes out four kids too then maybe you could consider his proposal.2
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Im in the exact same situation. I like myself slightly underweight, but im told that i have no bust and look gaunt by other people. My husband would like me to gain a few pounds. I told him that i didnt get a say in his weight gain (approx 20-30lbs) so he doesn't get a say in my weight loss. Nuff said! We understand that we don't have a say in each others bodies.4
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