Husband wants me to lose weight
VeryUnLadylike
Posts: 3 Member
My husband is average to slim build. I have struggled with my weight for most of my life. It has lead me down very unhealthy paths of restricting, purging, and self-hate. It's not something I talk about often. I want to be healthier but I want to take care of myself and love myself too. I recently expressed my desire to lose some weight to my husband and he was a little to quick to "support" the idea. He said if I lose 50 pounds he'll take me shopping for some new clothes. My first thought was where did he come up with this number? And my second was that he must have been thinking about this for a while. The thing is I'm the same weight and size as when we got married. I can't help feeling a little hurt and confused. I also worry that if/when I lose weight, if he is more complimentary or affectionate, I will feel resentment. Has anyone else had this issue with their SO?
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Replies
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I haven't had that issue, but did you speak to him about it? Ask him nicely how he came up with that number? The bottom line is you have to do this for you - it sounds like you have good reasons (healthier, take care of yourself, love yourself). I understand the hurt/confusion, but don't let that deter you from doing what you want for YOU.
And talk about your concerns with him.8 -
Appreciate that he's supportive. I hear so many that have the opposite problem and so's sabotage their efforts.
My husband will buy cookies. And if i spout off about pie, he'll bring home 3. Mine is slim, but seriously needs to do some core work. If he expressed interest, I'd be ecstatic. But it's not because he has a paunch and I'm embarrassed. I want him to be able to run, bike, hike, ect with me. Decrease in strength and health as we age can domino. Pay off is substantial the sooner we take control of our health.
I think your husband is being supportive the best way he knows how. Enjoy it girl! Go shopping!
Quick edit- I wouldn't read much in to the 50 pounds. Men. I'm happy he's supportive. Take advantage of it!16 -
Do not use his reaction as an excuse to put off what you you want to do. Even those that love us most sometimes pop out with some weird things, don't automatically look for the blame. Now go get started, and have fun!14
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I don't comment too much but feel like this is one I understand. My husband met and married me at my heaviest. He ONCE (and only once) told me something I was wearing made me look fat. He told me I was beautiful and I believed him. And once I got on this healthy bandwagon, I was shocked at how fast he was to support it; as if he'd been waiting for the opportunity to bring it up himself or something. I was, like you, hurt...and it left me questioning. But after the initial blow up, we were finally able to talk about it. I NEVER talked about my weight. But it wasn't like it was a secret!!! Everyone, him included, could see it anytime they looked at me. He loves me so wants me to be around and live a full & productive life for a very long time...and wanted to do anything and everything to encourage me on this path that he had hoped I would get on for a long time. Not because he couldn't love me fat; he already did that. But because he wanted what was best for me and for our family...and that's a healthy version of myself. Here's hoping that it's simply a misunderstanding and that you guys can get back on the same page too.33
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And if he'd said 'don't lose any weight, I love you as you are, here have a doughnut' you'd be on here complaining of no support and sabotage!!21
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He can love you and still recognize that you are carrying extra weight. My S.O. and I started dating when I was at my heaviest. He never said a word and obviously found me attractive, but he has been very complimentary as I have lost weight. He loved me fat and he loves me thin. I don't resent him for appreciating a change I made for the better. I also don't get upset if he compliments me when I get dressed up and wear makeup. It doesn't mean he doesn't still love me when I'm clean-faced and wearing jeans.
My S.O. had a pretty serious coffee habit when we first met. He has since then given it up entirely. His coffee drinking did not make me any less attracted to him, but I know he is healthier for not consuming gallons a day, so I was supportive of his efforts to quit. Should he resent that?13 -
First what do you want to do? If you don't want to lose weight, tell him to take a flying leap.
Since you said you want to be healthier, define that for yourself.
Then recognizing that he was trying to do the right thing, but screwed it up, lovingly & calmly talk to him. Start by telling him you appreciate that he wants to support you but do tell him how much his exact word choice hurt.
Finally, after you define what "healthier" means for you, set about achieving that goal for yourself not because he asked or promised new clothes but because it's what you want for yourself.3 -
Poor guy. He done went and touched that live wire. Supported you too fast? Would you rather he showered you with chocolate and pizza while imploring you to be cautious about such drastic actions?17
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When you said you needed to lose "some" weight, what did you have in mind for yourself? Is it hurtful because you don't need to lose that much, or is it because you are that fat and he didn't pretend not to notice?
I had a similar experience with my SO's mother, someone I've known for 12 years and is a rather matter of fact person. In the course of talking about desserts I mentioned I needed to lose some weight and her only comment was "yes, you were so small when you started dating ___". *I* knew it, but the ready agreement was a bucket of cold water on my head. And almost 25 pounds later, is still a great motivator. It is awesome that you have a supportive spouse! Sometimes people are just a bit clumsy, it's a touchy subject.8 -
It sounds like you should lose the SO. LOL. And the weight when you can and at your own pace.1
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Wow, you really need to work on learning to accept and love yourself. Did it every occur to you that your husbands reaction may based more on the way you act than how you look? You admit to hating your weight and yourself. Perhaps he just wants you to be happy with yourself.
These forums are filled with posts from women complaining because their husbands aren't supportive of their weight loss efforts and here yours is offering an incentive. Why not take him up on the offer and enlist his help? Don't crash diet. Do it the right way and learn how strong and beautiful you really are. Become a healthy active happy couple.16 -
Personally I think if you don't want comments from your SO about your weight, don't bring up the subject. You SO should be able to be open with you without having to worry. But if you weren't ready for talking about it with him (which based on your emotional reaction you are not ready for)... probably would have been best not to have brought it up.
Now that you have brought it up though, it might be good to keep the conversation going and tell him how you feel, ask him for clarification instead of just assuming what he meant. Ask him for help in terms of cooking, grocery shopping, joining you on your active activities, etc.
Also the 50 lbs is probably just a number he threw out there. Most people have no idea what that would even look like.5 -
One of the ways in which we sabotage our best efforts is by distancing those who support and love us. Stay on track, focused on your goal and allow yoirself to be loved and vulnerable.
As your husband I'm sure that he's well aware of your feelings about your size, even if you have never openly discussed it. Unfortunately many of us, male and female, feel out of shape. As a man who loves you it seems most likely that he wanted to support and love you in your efforts to have a shape that you will enjoy more. He wants to take you shopping so that you'll feel even more fabulous!
To best support yourself on this journey, share your fears with him. Tell him that you are worried that your insecurities might sabotage his support, that you would like to feel loved and sexy along the journey as well as when you've achieved your goal.
Best of luck!5 -
It sounds like you should lose the SO. LOL. And the weight when you can and at your own pace.
Really? Dump a husband that loves her because she doesn't like the way he agreed with her?
OP, my husband is very overweight, okay obese. I loved him thin, I love him now, but when he says he wants to lose weight, I don't say, "oh no, dear, you are perfect the way you are". It's no secret he needs to lose weight. Not because I don't like the way it looks, but because it's unhealthy and I want us to grow old together.13 -
As a husband. I would never express that ideal to my wife. At all. Period. End of discussion.
I'm sorry that you're in this boat......4 -
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I also worry that if/when I lose weight, if he is more complimentary or affectionate, I will feel resentment. Has anyone else had this issue with their SO?
I think you'll find more confidence about yourself. I don't think you'll feel it's for anyone but you. Because that's the only way it can be done.1 -
You're the one who brought up the subject - not your husband.
And of course he wants you to lose weight.
Most people married to an obese spouse want them to lose weight for health reasons as well as other factors.
They usually just don't say what they've been thinking all along, because to give unsolicited advice on weight management seems unkind and borderline mean.
Be glad he's supportive and then really decide if this is something you truly desire. It sounds like your husband loves you no matter what you do. When I was in your shoes, I chose health, and if this becomes your path as well, you'll find plenty of support on MFP.
I hope to see you around, because losing weight is simple but hard, but so worth it.
You can do this!
Good Luck!
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This same thing happend to me. It was a massive argument. But I truly had to realize that I had an internal thing going on with me about my weight. He was just in agreement with me, but the fact that he noticed it made me mad. He had no fair chance in that argument. But it was something deep within me that I had to deal with.7
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Oh come on. YOU are the one who said you wanted to lose weight. Your spouse is actually being supportive!
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Personally, it kind of sounds like you wanted validation for your current situation rather than actual support for your weight loss. You should be excited to have someone who is supportive and on your side. He clearly loves you REGARDLESS of your size or he would probably be gone already. After all, you're the one that came to HIM about your weight loss, not the other way around. What would you want him to say? "No, don't lose weight, I love you the way you are?" Or did you actually want support, which to me it sounds like he gave you.
I recommend finding a constructive way to deal with your insecurities rather than channel it into resentment toward your spouse.4 -
Thank you all for you insight. For the record I was hoping he would be supportive but more the "I'll help you if that's something you want to do." But I acknowledge that it was more likely an imperfect phrasing rather than an insult. It's not something he has experience with so he doesn't know how to talk about it. It's probably, as some suggested, more my internal negativity coloring the situation.11
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Thank you all for you insight. For the record I was hoping he would be supportive but more the "I'll help you if that's something you want to do." But I acknowledge that it was more likely an imperfect phrasing rather than an insult. It's not something he has experience with so he doesn't know how to talk about it. It's probably, as some suggested, more my internal negativity coloring the situation.
Yes, I think you're interpreting his comment through a negative lens. But now that you know that, you can move forward.
If 50 lbs is too daunting at first, make a deal that you can get XYZ rewards along the way... like a new pair of jeans at 10 lbs, some new shirts at 20 lbs, etc. to the point where you have your "new clothes" by the time you reach 50 lbs.
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Mu hubby has been so super supportive of my weight loss efforts in every way imaginable, it made me realize how worried sick about me he probably was for years.
How much do YOU think you need to lose? Thank him for his support, and have a talk about how you can tackle this and ways he can support you. Write down your mutual plan. Maybe it's $ for a gym membership or an interim goal-weight outfit, or him making veggies or a salad every night for supper, taking walks with you, helping with meal planning, not buying ice cream, etc.2 -
I think sometimes we fool ourselves in to believing the people around us haven't noticed our weight. I know I did. I thought I was so sneaky wearing solid colors and loose blouses and trying all the tricks the magazines tell you about. Then one day you say "I think I should lose some weight" and nobody looks shocked and it's a bucket of cold water for certain!8
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Thank you all for you insight. For the record I was hoping he would be supportive but more the "I'll help you if that's something you want to do." But I acknowledge that it was more likely an imperfect phrasing rather than an insult. It's not something he has experience with so he doesn't know how to talk about it. It's probably, as some suggested, more my internal negativity coloring the situation.
Just be kind to yourself. And him. You can do this! I probably won't be easy, and there will likely be bad days and good days. But you can do it. Just stay positive.4 -
Mouse_Potato wrote: »I think sometimes we fool ourselves in to believing the people around us haven't noticed our weight. I know I did. I thought I was so sneaky wearing solid colors and loose blouses and trying all the tricks the magazines tell you about. Then one day you say "I think I should lose some weight" and nobody looks shocked and it's a bucket of cold water for certain!
Exactly. And I was mad when someone noticed it... making it their problem when it was mine.3 -
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Great Response. This is a true support thread! Great job MFP family. 4
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Think of it as a positive, you've expressed the wish to lose weight and he's being supportive by offering you new clothes when you hit a target. :-) maybe that 50 is just a number he plucked out of thin air at the time. Try not to read too much into it, enjoy the journey and look forward to that shopping trip :-)1
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