My husband had a major heart attack!

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  • malioumba
    malioumba Posts: 132 Member
    edited September 2016
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    "Is there anybody out there that has a husband, boyfriend, partner who doesn't want to get healthy while you do?"

    Aww, I have a dad who refuses to get better. He is denial with how much food he consumes. Diabetic, overweight, has heart problems and I know he's not going to make it for very long, and he hasn't even gotten to retire yet.

    "I am exhausted and scared all the time"

    I know exactly what you mean.
    Every day in the back of my mind, I think "this will be the day I lose him". for about the last 7 years.
    Makes me so stressed and depressed internally to the point where I've cried nights because I absolutely need him, but he refuses/denies that he needs to change.

    I wish I could tell you how to help him, but all I could ever manage to do was throw out his (junk) foods when he's not around, or remove food of his plate (he gets annoyed obviously). Is there anything that your husband is willing to do? Some people have mentioned cardic rehab, or maybe the two of you could do something very light - taking him out for a walk, would he be opposed to those sort of things? If you cook most of his meals, you can try to make them healthier, and of course commend him on quitting smoking :smile:

    And you're not horrible for thinking you're feeling young while he's aging :) Just keep loving him dearly.

  • rileysowner
    rileysowner Posts: 8,160 Member
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    rodeothedog wrote: »
    He is alive and well......not really well but alive. A quick 411. Was over weight, family history, poor eater, high blood pressure and big time smoker...hence window maker heart attack. He survived and quit smoking.

    Now what I need.

    Is there anybody out there that has a husband, boyfriend, partner who doesn't want to get healthy while you do?

    Is there anybody out there that is with someone who has a chronic disease or is sick?

    Is there anyone out there that is married to someone much older than you? ( hubby is 9 years older)

    I feel the last 9 months have been about his health. His heart attack has caused so many other medical issues such as depression, tired, decreased closeness etc I feel consumed with worry over his health that mine takes a back burner. I am exhausted and scared all the time. I am proud he doesn't smoke but dieting is super hard. Also I feel extremely guilty that I think he is getting , "old" and I still feel young and active. ( I feel like a horrible person just typing that)

    I just need support from people that are trying to better themselves while going through some life issues.



    I don't have any of those, although I had a stroke and have friends who have had heart attacks. Recovery takes a long long time. Even if the heart is in pretty good condition following the heart attack, the shear amount of energy a major health event like that takes out of a person is amazing. My stroke was quite small, yet I was exhausted for months after. It seemed the whole year after was all about recovery, and looking back six years now, I realize that while the most obvious things were recovered from in the first year to two years, there are lots of things that took longer. At the same time, I want to say that almost everyone I know who has had a heart attack has recovered to the point where they are far more active than they were before the heart attack. There are a few exceptions to that, but they had other issues that complicated things, or in one case, they didn't do what was needed to get healthy and stronger. It is a long row to hoe. It takes time, and recovery is not linear. There will be days where it seems that his recovery has taken a big step backwards, other times it will seem to progress really quickly. It is like riding a roller coaster physically and emotionally. Thankfully, he has survived, and now has a chance to try to get healthy. Undoing years of habits is going to be difficult, but it can be done. I would suggest that if he find a person who has gone through something similar who has recovered well, he might find that their support and encouragement might be helpful.

    As for it seeming he is getting "old" and you feeling young and active, I encourage you to realize how much a heart attack takes out of a person. I have not had one, but major things like that take energy far beyond what you might expect. Think of the sickest you have been, and likely you are getting close. That sort of drain on the body, especially when it involves one's heart, takes a very long time to come back from, but usually it can be.
  • ladydragon1951
    ladydragon1951 Posts: 8 Member
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    I have a husband who is 10 years older than I am but I was the one that almost died with cancer. Spent 25 days in the hospital this past December got 16 blood transfusions and chemo during that time. It took me almost 6 months just to be able to walk or get up from a chair on my own. Never again for chemo going all natural now and it is working. Thank you Jesus!
    You are his rock like my husband was/is for me. Remember you can't help him if you get sick so take care of YOU first. Good luck I hope everything works out for you both.
  • brileylmt
    brileylmt Posts: 199 Member
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    I will keep you and your husband in my thoughts and prayers. I delt with the depression, low self esteem and overweight with my ex for 20 years. I took its toll on his life. When we met he weighed 180 and is 5' 10". At the time of our divorce is was 380#. I saw him about 2 months ago and I would guess him to be atleast 500#. He has a hard time walking, I can hear him panting from just walking across a room. When we were together and he would try to loose weight, I would be supportive, eat the same things he did, never ate unhealthy things I front of him. He never would stick with it. As I said this was 20 years of his yo yo dieting. It is hard to loose weight and keep it off without working on the habits/choices/emotions causing it. His anger and frustration. Keep up with your health and creating your habits. He will have to make the decision to follow you. My second hubby rarely ate veggies before we met. I cook the nightly and just serve them. He now loves brussel sprouts, asparagus, and several other veggies. I cooked things the way I wanted them, a healthy way, and if he didn't want to eat them, then he would fix his own food. He says he has found a new love of veggies.
  • cnbbnc
    cnbbnc Posts: 1,267 Member
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    Different situations but still stressful nonetheless. I'm a single parent, so between juggling work, raising my son, and handling my fathers affairs (he has Alzheimer's...I'm his guardian), it's been easy to let myself go. I finally decided I had to get my health in gear, so I started here a year ago and have lost 45lbs.

    I do have a boyfriend. He works crazy hours and has really let himself go health wise. He eats out all the time, sits behind a desk and gets no physical activity at all. He's gained a lot of weight and is starting to have some health issues. But...I think I'm kind of leading by example because he's starting to try to do better. That might be the case for you too...you never know. Do what you have to for you, and either hubby will decide to follow along or he won't. Hopefully he'll surprise you. :smile:
  • seekingdaintiness
    seekingdaintiness Posts: 137 Member
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    rodeothedog wrote: »
    He is alive and well......not really well but alive. A quick 411. Was over weight, family history, poor eater, high blood pressure and big time smoker...hence window maker heart attack. He survived and quit smoking.

    Now what I need.

    Is there anybody out there that has a husband, boyfriend, partner who doesn't want to get healthy while you do?

    Is there anybody out there that is with someone who has a chronic disease or is sick?

    Is there anyone out there that is married to someone much older than you? ( hubby is 9 years older)

    I feel the last 9 months have been about his health. His heart attack has caused so many other medical issues such as depression, tired, decreased closeness etc I feel consumed with worry over his health that mine takes a back burner. I am exhausted and scared all the time. I am proud he doesn't smoke but dieting is super hard. Also I feel extremely guilty that I think he is getting , "old" and I still feel young and active. ( I feel like a horrible person just typing that)

    I just need support from people that are trying to better themselves while going through some life issues.



    He quit smoking, which is the absolute best thing he can do for his health. There is actually not any good evidence that weight loss reduces the chance of heart attacks or longevity as per the most recent research. Maybe you should be more supportive of his very good efforts to improve his health by quitting smoking instead of coming here and backstabbing him.
  • PlantBasedRnr
    PlantBasedRnr Posts: 129 Member
    edited September 2016
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    I will make this short and sweet and not go into some detailed description of how to FIX him because it isn't going to work ( sorry but this is the cold hard truth ). I was in the same boat - I had a health scare and that is what caused me to change, not because someone told me to, not because I didn't care because I did... People I loved were on me CONSTANTLY telling me how I had to change and that is the WORST thing you can do. Your husband won't change until HE is ready so STOP pushing!!! Back off, accept him, love him, as a matter of fact sit him down and have an honest and open discussion with him and let him know that you are scared, that you love him and that you are terrified by the path that he has chosen but let him know it is HIS path and HIS decision and that you fully accept him for who he is... and leave it at that, walk away. BUT... bring healthy food into the house, bake smaller portions, eat a " clean " diet - don't enable him by buying chips and dips and junk, make HIM do it... and at the same time LOVE HIM FOR WHO HE IS. Trust me, I have been there and the one thing that would have caused me to make the change sooner is if everyone had stopped telling me what I was doing to myself and just loved me for me. I HATE that he has had a heart attack, I feel for him and you as well, I really do but the only thing that is going to change him is something inside him one day - hopefully it will be this. I pray for you and your husband and hope that you can take this in the positive light that I mean it because I certainly know that it sounds hateful and uncaring.

    One other thing... start taking walks at night... short ones... to the end of the street and back... ask him to join you, if he doesn't fine, if he does GREAT... sooner or later he will start... then you can walk a little further... then further... then further... This is what happened to me and now I am running half marathons and eating plants... if you told me a year and a half ago that I would be where I am today I would have told you that you were out of your DA*N mind... it isn't easy but it is worth it.

    Much Love.

  • gobonas99
    gobonas99 Posts: 1,049 Member
    edited September 2016
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    rodeothedog wrote: »
    Is there anybody out there that has a husband, boyfriend, partner who doesn't want to get healthy while you do?
    I do triathlon, and my hubby absolutely hates the time I spend training (I'm not doing anything excessive, I'm talking 30-60 minutes a day...maybe a 90 minute ride or brick on saturday or sunday), and is very unsupportive of races I do. Meanwhile, he eats crap (to the point that I will frequently buy crap that he likes at the grocery store, so that he can make his own dinner, because he normally turns his nose up at anything even remotely healthy), and doesn't do anything active at all.
    Is there anybody out there that is with someone who has a chronic disease or is sick?
    Hubby is a disabled vet with chronic severe back pain from a combat injury. It is a downward spiral, if he does too much activity, his back hurts more, which means he does less activity, which means his back hurts worse with progressively less activity. He himself has admitted that if he can get through the first week or so of pain, his back actually feels better doing more activity, because it is strengthening his core, which better supports his back. But getting him to actually stick with something active is next to impossible.
    Is there anyone out there that is married to someone much older than you? ( hubby is 9 years older)
    Hubby is 7 years older than me



  • bufflo
    bufflo Posts: 17 Member
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    There is a great book by Dr. Caldwell Esselstyn named "Prevent & Reverse Heart Disease" about steps that can be taken to reverse heart disease through diet. I've attended Dr. Esselstyn's lecture and you and your husband can watch his presentation on Youtube. Just search for Caldwell Esselstyn. It would be time well spent.
  • RebeccaNaegle
    RebeccaNaegle Posts: 236 Member
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    My husband is quite a bit older than me too. (15 years to be exact). But I am lucky because he sure seems young and active to me. He works out with me lifting weights, counting macros etc. but I have definitely thought about the fact that he will get "older" much quicker than me. (Still worth it since he's so amazing). My husband smoked for a bit when I met him but quit shortly after meeting him. (I'm not sure I could be in a serious relationship with a smoker). I hope your husband gets on board with you both being healthier together. Sorry! Wish I had advice.
  • mommazach
    mommazach Posts: 384 Member
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    My husband is 16 years older than I, had a heart attack that was at first described by the doctors as "the widow maker" and then oops, just 95% blockage on the top right artery in his heart. Set a stent and now he feels wonderful. Scary thing is that it didn't change any of the things he was doing. Still smokes 2 packs a day, has GAINED weight, and continues to live the lifestyle he did before. But I have changed. I made some major life changes because of his heart attack. I know someone will have to walk my daughters down the aisle at their weddings, and raise our 11 year old, and most likely do these things alone as he isn't going to make any better choices. So I quit smoking, and started working out just over a year ago. My priorities have completely shifted now. I still nag him about his health, but knowing that I can be the difference in my families life helps me stay motivated. Taking care of our spouses is important, but who will take care of them if we fail to take care of ourselves. Kudos to your husband for taking it as a wake up call. You're lucky that he did. Now it's time to work on bettering yourself as well. Please add me as your friend if you are looking for support.
  • snerggly
    snerggly Posts: 112 Member
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    bufflo wrote: »
    There is a great book by Dr. Caldwell Esselstyn named "Prevent & Reverse Heart Disease" about steps that can be taken to reverse heart disease through diet. I've attended Dr. Esselstyn's lecture and you and your husband can watch his presentation on Youtube. Just search for Caldwell Esselstyn. It would be time well spent.

    THIS - what Bufflo wrote. I am reading that right now and I also switched to the John McDougall Plan - Starch based whole food diet. No processed foods. McDougall is a good friend of Esselstyn's.

    I also want to say that I am very sorry for you and your husband. I am praying for a speedy recovery for him and healing. I would not know what to do if this happened to my husband. He has a melanoma removed and I was so terrified while waiting for the results.

    My husband has been fighting me tooth and nail on my diet change for the past 3 months when I told him that I will not be purchasing meat, dairy or oils. I gave away all my olive oil and cheeses. I do not tell him what to do, I just show him by setting an example. Plus if he wants me to do all the cook which I do, he has to eat what I cook. I also do all the grocery shopping so guess what? He eats what I buy. I don't stop him from going out for pizza, hamburgers etc. which he does once a week but when he is at home, he eats my food and cooking.

    All the best to you and your husband.
  • Sarahb29
    Sarahb29 Posts: 952 Member
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    I'm sorry you're going through this but you cannot "make" anyone want to better themselves, they have to come to that decision on their own. If you focus on yourself and only make healthy food he may come around and eat what you're eating and slowly start adapting better habits. If the junk food is harder for him to get to he'll be less likely to have it. Keep fruit or whatever healthy snacks that are good for him in easy reach. Encourage him, give him a choice (do you wanna go for a walk with me? I'm having spaghetti squash, do you want some?) and then leave well enough alone if he says no.

    Take care of yourself first before you try taking care of others, otherwise you're health is next to go and then there will be no one to pick both of you up.
  • Gisel2015
    Gisel2015 Posts: 4,144 Member
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    seekingdaintiness wrote: »
    rodeothedog wrote: »
    He is alive and well......not really well but alive. A quick 411. Was over weight, family history, poor eater, high blood pressure and big time smoker...hence window maker heart attack. He survived and quit smoking.

    Now what I need.

    Is there anybody out there that has a husband, boyfriend, partner who doesn't want to get healthy while you do?

    Is there anybody out there that is with someone who has a chronic disease or is sick?

    Is there anyone out there that is married to someone much older than you? ( hubby is 9 years older)

    I feel the last 9 months have been about his health. His heart attack has caused so many other medical issues such as depression, tired, decreased closeness etc I feel consumed with worry over his health that mine takes a back burner. I am exhausted and scared all the time. I am proud he doesn't smoke but dieting is super hard. Also I feel extremely guilty that I think he is getting , "old" and I still feel young and active. ( I feel like a horrible person just typing that)

    I just need support from people that are trying to better themselves while going through some life issues.



    He quit smoking, which is the absolute best thing he can do for his health. There is actually not any good evidence that weight loss reduces the chance of heart attacks or longevity as per the most recent research. Maybe you should be more supportive of his very good efforts to improve his health by quitting smoking instead of coming here and backstabbing him.

    Boy you really know how to make a wound bleed, don't you?
  • GetFitKTB
    GetFitKTB Posts: 288 Member
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    [/quote]
    That is truly inspirational! How overwhelming it must be to be so gravely ill and truly the only one who can save you at that point is you. Good luck to OP, her husband and GetFitKTB in your continued quest for the best possible health. GetFib you just inspired me to not give in and eat pizza for dinner.
    [/quote]

    Thank you Susan Rae, I appreciate that! In the end, it's all up to us to go to the gym or skip that pizza for dinner, and for me, it took a heart attack to wake me up, and wake me up it did. Still, I understand everyone is different and need more of a helping hand, and I hope they are able to find it!

  • Francl27
    Francl27 Posts: 26,371 Member
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    It could happen to my husband... Obese, doesn't care about his healthy, 15 year older... I'm so sorry!
  • ninerbuff
    ninerbuff Posts: 48,574 Member
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    So it may sound harsh, but unless he's WILLING to make changes himself you may have to make sure all your paperwork for death benefits is in order. I've been with a couple of clients already (in VA where obesity is high) where a spouse passed away due to health issues from being overweight, smoker, etc. and they were relatively young (under 60). One of my clients actually sat her husband down and had him sign all paperwork (living trust, etc.) make sure insurance up to date after a minor stroke. He did it all, but at that time he also realized what type of position his family would be in if he passed. He eventually lost 80lbs and still today we keep in touch on FB.

    A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
    IDEA Fitness member
    Kickboxing Certified Instructor
    Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
    9285851.png
  • mangrothian
    mangrothian Posts: 1,351 Member
    edited September 2016
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    seekingdaintiness wrote: »
    rodeothedog wrote: »
    He is alive and well......not really well but alive. A quick 411. Was over weight, family history, poor eater, high blood pressure and big time smoker...hence window maker heart attack. He survived and quit smoking.

    Now what I need.

    Is there anybody out there that has a husband, boyfriend, partner who doesn't want to get healthy while you do?

    Is there anybody out there that is with someone who has a chronic disease or is sick?

    Is there anyone out there that is married to someone much older than you? ( hubby is 9 years older)

    I feel the last 9 months have been about his health. His heart attack has caused so many other medical issues such as depression, tired, decreased closeness etc I feel consumed with worry over his health that mine takes a back burner. I am exhausted and scared all the time. I am proud he doesn't smoke but dieting is super hard. Also I feel extremely guilty that I think he is getting , "old" and I still feel young and active. ( I feel like a horrible person just typing that)

    I just need support from people that are trying to better themselves while going through some life issues.



    He quit smoking, which is the absolute best thing he can do for his health. There is actually not any good evidence that weight loss reduces the chance of heart attacks or longevity as per the most recent research. Maybe you should be more supportive of his very good efforts to improve his health by quitting smoking instead of coming here and backstabbing him.

    Backstabbing? I see the post of a person who is trying to keep her husband with her as long as possible as well as taking care of herself and is asking for advice and support.

    Those weigh loss studies are about people who are in the overweight BMI category, not people that are putting on weight or in obese territory (although OP doesn't mention weight loss, just getting healthy, so we don't know the situation).

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