Stranger's remarks
Daenae18
Posts: 29 Member
Perhaps there has been something in the water, but this month out of nowhere no less than three strangers have made comments relating to my weight.
Comment one, in an elevator: "do you realise how much healthier you would be if you lost weight?"
Comment two, in a taxi: "You have such a pretty face, but I don't like bigger girls. I don't understand why people think it's attractive. Imagine if you were thin. Wow."
Comment three, while drinking a smoothie: "I hope you realise that isn't just a drink. It's a meal on it's own." (insert once over and snicker)
Now, I have a thick skin, but I have no idea why people feel the need to talk to a stranger like this. I'm focused on becoming fit, I'm watching what I eat, but sometimes these comments really throw me.
How do you deal with these interactions? It's turning my positive determination into a negative self-dislike spin cycle.
Comment one, in an elevator: "do you realise how much healthier you would be if you lost weight?"
Comment two, in a taxi: "You have such a pretty face, but I don't like bigger girls. I don't understand why people think it's attractive. Imagine if you were thin. Wow."
Comment three, while drinking a smoothie: "I hope you realise that isn't just a drink. It's a meal on it's own." (insert once over and snicker)
Now, I have a thick skin, but I have no idea why people feel the need to talk to a stranger like this. I'm focused on becoming fit, I'm watching what I eat, but sometimes these comments really throw me.
How do you deal with these interactions? It's turning my positive determination into a negative self-dislike spin cycle.
6
Replies
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I get this a lot! People asking me if I'm pregnant (I'm not) or telling me I look like an overweight celebrity or whatever else pops into their thoughtless heads. Once someone literally stopped me on the street to tell me I needed to "get it together" with my weight because I had a pretty face but was out of shape. Wtf. I've found that if I'm blunt by saying "that's a really insulting and hurtful comment" or "I didn't ask for your opinion about my appearance" I feel better about how I've handled the interaction. But it still stings and sends me into a mini shame vortex. I try to remember all the amazing things my body does and has done in my life and how much joy it brings me (so whether it raises some strange dude's flag is not my concern), but I'm so sorry you've gone through this too. You deserve better.7
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It's terrible to say, but I'm glad I'm not the only one this has happened to! It seems like every time I mention an interaction like this to someone 'normal' they look at me like I'm crazy. I might do what you do, and give a blunt, polite reply instead of pretending I didn't hear.
I can't believe what some people say! An overweight celebrity? What on earth!1 -
"You look like a really nice person but how can you possibly have any friends while being so rude?"42
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My God...how do you refrain from punching those half wits in the mouth? If its a sales person saying it, make a formal complaint to the company. If its a stranger... wow...Im not sure what Id say. Something to humiliate them.6
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I had someone ask if i was pregnant once (wasn't and never have been). I was taking a 5 hour bus journey in the searing heat, despite being self conscious I had short leggings on and a strappy top. An hour in the bus crashed, thank fully no one was seriously hurt. We were carted off the motorway and attended to by paramedics just incase. Whilst waiting for another bus to take us to another bus station a guy approached me saying he was going to miss a job interview. I offered my phone for him to use and he did. After he hung up he asked 'so when is the baby due?'. I was gob smacked, visibly too. When I asked him what on earth did he mean he just repeated the question and when I said no he just laughed. Talk about making a bad day worse!1
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Are you in the U.S. ?
On BBC UK this morning it reported on a girl walking down the high street in the U.S.
She got hassled18 times within a 5 minute walk from guys making comments about her.
Both negative, and some, which in their eyes may seem positive ( which they weren't )
In all honesty I don't see that as much in the UK.
I can only assume the 3 people who commented on you aren't worth knowing.
The comments sound very shallow and uncalled for.
I'm sorry you had to experience these fools , just remember there's 1000's of us on here
who are on your side11 -
Wow! While I can believe there are a small percentage of troglodytes out there who would say something so rude, the fact that you've encountered 3 is staggering. I'm sorry you've encountered this. Sometimes people just suck.5
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It just stuns me that you get so many remarks. Here in the UK we go out of our way to avoid talking to each other if it's not to apologise for having our foot trodden on, or an overpolite debate about who should go first through a doorway.
I do talk to strangers, but if I ever make a comment about their appearance it will ALWAYS relate to something they are wearing such as 'wow, I love your dress, such a nice colour'. Never about any aspect of their physical appearance. That's just, plain rude.10 -
I was going to ask what country the OP lived in, as it's almost unheard of in the UK. I mean, we don't even make eye contact on public transport, so the idea of someone striking up an uninvited conversation and the resulting conversation being an insulting, personal comment, is a very strange concept in the UK. The most I ever get (and it's such a national stereotype) is people commenting about the weather!mrflipmode wrote: »Are you in the U.S. ?
On BBC UK this morning it reported on a girl walking down the high street in the U.S.
She got hassled18 times within a 5 minute walk from guys making comments about her.
Both negative, and some, which in their eyes may seem positive ( which they weren't )
In all honesty I don't see that as much in the UK.
I can only assume the 3 people who commented on you aren't worth knowing.
The comments sound very shallow and uncalled for.
I'm sorry you had to experience these fools , just remember there's 1000's of us on here
who are on your side
In the US, I've discovered there is very little in terms of a concept about personal space, and hence any level of 'privacy' in a public place. Americans visiting the UK do tend towards more quieter politeness, in my experience, but I have found that disappears when in their own country. Everyone I've come across in US cities is usually pleasant, but making conversation with strangers seems to be an American habit! I guess the risk associated with this friendliness is that some of those comments are going to be very unwanted, and sometimes outright insulting, when the commentator may not even realise just how insulting they are being. Doesn't excuse it and, if they are strangers, you are perfectly allowed to completely blank them and just refuse to engage in any conversation with them. Ignoring them is probably the best bet, rather than getting cross and retorting anything. Some people are idiots!5 -
I don't know what it is about 'weight' that people feel they have a divine right to comment upon it.
When I was overweight, I would receive comments from the "Well Wishers" advising me to lose a few pounds as I would be healthier that way. Then I had the comments from the bullies that would call me 'Fat' in a nightclub when I was minding my own business and dancing with my friends. It's as though my weight offended people and I have no idea why that is *shrugs*. These people are often hugely insecure themselves - not to mention vile.
It is easier said than done when presented with such ignorant people - but keep your head as high as you can and know your worth. It is no one's place to make you feel bad about yourself. There is so much to you as a person and the people who are worth anything will see beyond your outward appearance. Those that matter genuinely don't care if you are 'fat' or 'thin'. How to deal with the nasty comments? I wish I knew. I wish these comments didn't make me cry when I hear them - but they do. I guess all we can is repeat, repeat, repeat how worthy we are of kindness and how our weight simply doesn't ever define who we are.7 -
It's terrible to say, but I'm glad I'm not the only one this has happened to! It seems like every time I mention an interaction like this to someone 'normal' they look at me like I'm crazy. I might do what you do, and give a blunt, polite reply instead of pretending I didn't hear.
I can't believe what some people say! An overweight celebrity? What on earth!
I know, right? I had assumed something about my face said "please tell me every idle thought you have about my appearance," so it's both reassuring and enervating to hear other people deal with this too. I do live in the us, in the New York area (no bless her heart American southern politeness or uk blustering tact here), so it is a bit of a free for all, though I've had fun interactions with strangers too and seen people not blink an eye at truly spectacle worthy sights. The naked cowboy is just a guy at the office, but my extra 40 lbs (now 30) of chub are gawk-worthy, I guess.2 -
PinkPixiexox wrote: »I don't know what it is about 'weight' that people feel they have a divine right to comment upon it.
I honestly believe the self righteous assumption strangers feel they have to comment on someone is most directed towards smokers. I no longer smoke but its unreal how many people would put themselves into the vicinity just to tell me how awful I was for smoking.
5 -
This kind of personal intrusiveness is so annoying.
My approach is to walk away. I would love to use one of the many retorts that come to mind in such situations, but I fear that someone with such blurred boundaries is also somewhat unstable and ANGTFT.2 -
I really hate it when people think it's okay to say things like that.
I was wine tasting this weekend and I had someone tell me I should be able to drink more because... well- look at me! I was astonished!1 -
dizzieblondeuk wrote: »
I was going to ask what country the OP lived in, as it's almost unheard of in the UK. I mean, we don't even make eye contact on public transport, so the idea of someone striking up an uninvited conversation and the resulting conversation being an insulting, personal comment, is a very strange concept in the UK. The most I ever get (and it's such a national stereotype) is people commenting about the weather!mrflipmode wrote: »Are you in the U.S. ?
On BBC UK this morning it reported on a girl walking down the high street in the U.S.
She got hassled18 times within a 5 minute walk from guys making comments about her.
Both negative, and some, which in their eyes may seem positive ( which they weren't )
In all honesty I don't see that as much in the UK.
I can only assume the 3 people who commented on you aren't worth knowing.
The comments sound very shallow and uncalled for.
I'm sorry you had to experience these fools , just remember there's 1000's of us on here
who are on your side
In the US, I've discovered there is very little in terms of a concept about personal space, and hence any level of 'privacy' in a public place. Americans visiting the UK do tend towards more quieter politeness, in my experience, but I have found that disappears when in their own country. Everyone I've come across in US cities is usually pleasant, but making conversation with strangers seems to be an American habit! I guess the risk associated with this friendliness is that some of those comments are going to be very unwanted, and sometimes outright insulting, when the commentator may not even realise just how insulting they are being. Doesn't excuse it and, if they are strangers, you are perfectly allowed to completely blank them and just refuse to engage in any conversation with them. Ignoring them is probably the best bet, rather than getting cross and retorting anything. Some people are idiots!
America is a big country with different states and different attitudes. What you describe is not representative of the whole country.8 -
I get this now when I am pregnant.
I never really received comments when I was in fit mode, however, I receive more comments now that I am pregnant than ever. Somehow it has become ok as a society to comment on a pregnant woman's body like it's open season. Complete strangers feel the need to tell you that you look like you're carrying two. (No. I am not.) Or that no way you are going to last another X amount of months. (Gee, thanks for wishing a premature birth on me.). Or my personal favorite, "You're BIG for X amount of months." (YAY, just what every pregnant woman wants to hear... how BIG they have gotten when they are most likely feeling fairly self-conscience about their size.)
Then there are stares like no one has ever seen a pregnant woman before in their lives. Sigh...5 -
Just be yourself2
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Yeah I had a few of those folks, too. Thankfully in the Midwest folks tend to be too polite to say anything, but there were a few.
Luckily I'm quite thick skinned, and the comments were mainly from people I didn't know and didn't care about, so their opinion of me was well and truly irrelevant.3 -
My sister taught me this when someone says something hurtful - I say 'Ouch'.
She also taught me (best older sister ever!) that people are usually talking about themselves, not you, for example the elevator commenter is really saying 'I'm worried about the health consequences of being overweight'.
Sorry you've had so many rude encounters this month (maybe it's the heat?) but remember the best revenge is living well and staying on this journey.
Judi5 -
What the actual heck is wrong with people. I would never think it was ok to say anything like that to someone. let alone someone i dont know. You look great and shouldnt let those comments even effect you mood.2
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Omg. People are SO rude. I don't think it is ever appropriate to make a negative comment on someone's body. Just think, "I can lose the weight but you'll still be an ugly jerk with a black soul."
I guess I would just say something sarcastic like a big smile and in an enthusiastic voice say, "Why thank you so much! That's so nice of you to say. I hope you have a great day too!"
Or else there is always the ask them to repeat it, so they can hear what a jerk they sound like. "I'm sorry I didn't catch that. What did you just say??"
I'm so sorry people said those things. Yes, you can have thick skin but that's just blatantly rude and mean. I guess regardless of response, know in your heart the first thought I had - my weight can fluctuate, but they will still be a horrible person. You almost have to feel sorry for them. Happy, well adjusted people don't go around knocking other people.3 -
No matter what you weigh, look like, or are eating/drinking, these comments are creepy and intrusive. I would tell these people they need to mind their own business.
3 -
"Thanks for the weight loss pointers! I really appreciate it. You know, plastic surgery has become very safe and much more mainstream, so you could have that" (gesture towards face or random body part) "taken care of. It would be great for your self esteem I'm sure!"10
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They're all arseholes.
Your only reply should be " did you mean to be so rude?"2 -
mrflipmode wrote: »Are you in the U.S. ?
On BBC UK this morning it reported on a girl walking down the high street in the U.S.
She got hassled18 times within a 5 minute walk from guys making comments about her.
Both negative, and some, which in their eyes may seem positive ( which they weren't )
In all honesty I don't see that as much in the UK.
I can only assume the 3 people who commented on you aren't worth knowing.
The comments sound very shallow and uncalled for.
I'm sorry you had to experience these fools , just remember there's 1000's of us on here
who are on your side
White van man is an unrepentant dickhead, but, fortunately, a little scared of his mum strong women, so keeps his trap shup.-1 -
mrflipmode wrote: »Are you in the U.S. ?
On BBC UK this morning it reported on a girl walking down the high street in the U.S.
She got hassled18 times within a 5 minute walk from guys making comments about her.
Both negative, and some, which in their eyes may seem positive ( which they weren't )
In all honesty I don't see that as much in the UK.
I can only assume the 3 people who commented on you aren't worth knowing.
The comments sound very shallow and uncalled for.
I'm sorry you had to experience these fools , just remember there's 1000's of us on here
who are on your side
I'm in Australia. It doesn't happen too often here usually but I just moved cities.0 -
dizzieblondeuk wrote: »
I was going to ask what country the OP lived in, as it's almost unheard of in the UK. I mean, we don't even make eye contact on public transport, so the idea of someone striking up an uninvited conversation and the resulting conversation being an insulting, personal comment, is a very strange concept in the UK. The most I ever get (and it's such a national stereotype) is people commenting about the weather!mrflipmode wrote: »Are you in the U.S. ?
On BBC UK this morning it reported on a girl walking down the high street in the U.S.
She got hassled18 times within a 5 minute walk from guys making comments about her.
Both negative, and some, which in their eyes may seem positive ( which they weren't )
In all honesty I don't see that as much in the UK.
I can only assume the 3 people who commented on you aren't worth knowing.
The comments sound very shallow and uncalled for.
I'm sorry you had to experience these fools , just remember there's 1000's of us on here
who are on your side
In the US, I've discovered there is very little in terms of a concept about personal space, and hence any level of 'privacy' in a public place. Americans visiting the UK do tend towards more quieter politeness, in my experience, but I have found that disappears when in their own country. Everyone I've come across in US cities is usually pleasant, but making conversation with strangers seems to be an American habit! I guess the risk associated with this friendliness is that some of those comments are going to be very unwanted, and sometimes outright insulting, when the commentator may not even realise just how insulting they are being. Doesn't excuse it and, if they are strangers, you are perfectly allowed to completely blank them and just refuse to engage in any conversation with them. Ignoring them is probably the best bet, rather than getting cross and retorting anything. Some people are idiots!
I'm from Australia. Usually people here are fantastic but we do have our bigots and public warriors.0 -
fposte2016 wrote: »It's terrible to say, but I'm glad I'm not the only one this has happened to! It seems like every time I mention an interaction like this to someone 'normal' they look at me like I'm crazy. I might do what you do, and give a blunt, polite reply instead of pretending I didn't hear.
I can't believe what some people say! An overweight celebrity? What on earth!
I know, right? I had assumed something about my face said "please tell me every idle thought you have about my appearance," so it's both reassuring and enervating to hear other people deal with this too. I do live in the us, in the New York area (no bless her heart American southern politeness or uk blustering tact here), so it is a bit of a free for all, though I've had fun interactions with strangers too and seen people not blink an eye at truly spectacle worthy sights. The naked cowboy is just a guy at the office, but my extra 40 lbs (now 30) of chub are gawk-worthy, I guess.
A naked cowboy? Much more worthy of discussion!1 -
Chef_Barbell wrote: »I get this now when I am pregnant.
I never really received comments when I was in fit mode, however, I receive more comments now that I am pregnant than ever. Somehow it has become ok as a society to comment on a pregnant woman's body like it's open season. Complete strangers feel the need to tell you that you look like you're carrying two. (No. I am not.) Or that no way you are going to last another X amount of months. (Gee, thanks for wishing a premature birth on me.). Or my personal favorite, "You're BIG for X amount of months." (YAY, just what every pregnant woman wants to hear... how BIG they have gotten when they are most likely feeling fairly self-conscience about their size.)
Then there are stares like no one has ever seen a pregnant woman before in their lives. Sigh...
That's terrible. I hope you haven't had random strangers try to rub your stomach. I went out with my pregnant friend and rhe amount of people who thought they could just touch it was boggling.1
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