To live with (and accept) Depression.
AntonMG95
Posts: 82 Member
Depression is uncomfortable to talk about, it is personal, deep and makes one feel very vulnerable as it hard for others to understand what one is going through.
In this thread I will share stories concerning depression in one way or another. Allowing all readers to relate or to get an insight of how it is to live with depression.
Each story I have to offer will be commented below with a title and individual number. I sincerely encourage anyone who is willing to share their story to post it too. A part of me hope that we can dismantle this tension the word "depression" carries. I do my best to accept the fact, that I, live with Seasonal Disorder Depression (SSD).
First, I'd like to introduce myself. My name is Anton, and in May 2014 I left a message on a help service voice mail saying "If no one stops me today, I am confident I am going to kill myself."
The truth is, I was really good to hide my flaws. The majority portrayed me as an extraordinary role model, and growing up in that environment created too much expectations and pressure from myself that I eventually walked straight into the wall.
Unfortunately, the society's help in my recovery was rather absent. My friends believes it was a temporary thing, it is not. Once again I have learnt to hide it. However, today I have found the tools to deal with it.
And writing about it helps a lot, it brings me clarity. That is why, I do this for me.
In this thread I will share stories concerning depression in one way or another. Allowing all readers to relate or to get an insight of how it is to live with depression.
Each story I have to offer will be commented below with a title and individual number. I sincerely encourage anyone who is willing to share their story to post it too. A part of me hope that we can dismantle this tension the word "depression" carries. I do my best to accept the fact, that I, live with Seasonal Disorder Depression (SSD).
First, I'd like to introduce myself. My name is Anton, and in May 2014 I left a message on a help service voice mail saying "If no one stops me today, I am confident I am going to kill myself."
The truth is, I was really good to hide my flaws. The majority portrayed me as an extraordinary role model, and growing up in that environment created too much expectations and pressure from myself that I eventually walked straight into the wall.
Unfortunately, the society's help in my recovery was rather absent. My friends believes it was a temporary thing, it is not. Once again I have learnt to hide it. However, today I have found the tools to deal with it.
And writing about it helps a lot, it brings me clarity. That is why, I do this for me.
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Replies
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The Puzzle #1
Laying a puzzle can be tricky. A feeling of determination is usually achieved when you see the whole picture, its usually this front cover you refer to when trying to match the pieces.
The puzzle I am laying is missing it's cover, so I barely have an idea what the outcome will be. It's a bit fuzzy.
Although there are thousands of pieces I am sure that the core is correct. It makes sense to me, all over the table there are some areas that looks okay. But everything isn't connected just yet.
When laying a puzzle; patience is key, I am okay with this most of the time. But once in a while it happens that a temporary cause makes me blind to see everything I have achieved. As a result, frustration, sadness or anger rips the pieces apart. The pieces that I once placed down with greatest care.
In the aftermath, certain pieces are detached;
Family,
Friends,
Love,
Dedication.
Only the core pieces remains, the one I am certain of: Me, starting over again.
Status quo.
This puzzle is the metaphor of life.6 -
Great post! It can be hard to find the silver lining day-to-day, but you have to pull from within and realize there is still good around you. Take a moment at the beginning and end of each day to count your blessings and feel thankful. Some days, months and even seasons will be harder than others but if you can take a few minutes to do this simple task, then it makes it a little more bearable.
Anxiety and depression are such a struggle for many in the world we live in.5 -
peaceout_aly wrote: »Take a moment at the beginning and end of each day to count your blessings and feel thankful [...] but if you can take a few minutes to do this simple task, then it makes it a little more bearable.
That's a really good advice, at one point everything that kept me together was my newborn nephew.
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Depression has been like a ball and chain I have been dragging around since I was a child. I never quite know how to talk about it or who I can even really talk to. I have a great deal of respect for you posting this.4
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ThatUserNameIsAllReadyTaken wrote: »I never quite know how to talk about it or who I can even really talk to.
I can relate to this on so many levels! I had to walk into the wall and get specialised help to understand that I suffered from it. But all those things I kept in my mind was nothing I openly shared, especially not before.
And when I finally became open about it, my friends felt disturbed by my frustrations and concerns, they simply couldn't understand how I saw things differently or negatively. So ever since I stopped bothering them.
Whenever I write about my situation. I discover a piece of myself; that's what I wish to try understand.
I have more stories to share, so if you would like to follow this thread, feel free to star it.1 -
Yes, I did star this page!
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Thankyou, this is such a mammoth issue and it's so great to know it's not just me!2
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ellielittlewood20 wrote: »... it's so great to know it's not just me!
It is definitely not just you! When being at a low point it is good to know that others are walking through similar situations, it might give some comfort.
Either way,
"don't make permanent decisions based upon temporary feelings."3 -
Your post is so eloquent and by posting you are taking a proactive approach. I am struggling now and have to make important life decisions within the next two weeks. I feel stuck and depressed with no support. At times, I feel catatonic.4
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Thank you for posting, the more we talk about depression and anxiety the better in my opinion!2
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The kid next door #2
Let me tell you a story about this kid who I envied when growing up...
On the outside he wasn't really anything in particular, but he was genuinely friendly and really smart for his age! This was easy to tell, because his grades reflected the same.
He had the ability to see a solution to every problem. To be fair, I doubt he never consider any problems as problems; but rather challenges to be tackled.
When we finished school in our small town we all went separate ways, that boy has a bright future. He was one of the top students of the year.
There was a teenager in the class of 2011 that really was something special. He cared about his classmates and signed up early for the student council, which he soon was elected as president.
Though his grades was nothing to brag about, he surely had a great heart. As his teacher and councillor I made sure to push on him; his confident was showing cracks and I felt it was my duty to cheer him up.
Time passed and exams was on their way, this teenager wanted nothing but to avoid them. For too long he walked with a heavy burden which no one knew since there was none that he dared to tell.
In May 2014, I literally walked into the wall and was put in quarantine at a mental health care facility for my own safety. I was suicidal.
Yet, I knew that a 19 y/o shouldn't feel that way and have ever since taken baby steps to deal with my depression, I do everything in my power to avoid pills.
I never became free of depression; I am learning to live life to the fullest with it.
Moral of the story: don't judge a book by its cover.
The must hurtful thing I've been through is how the surroundings exemplified me as an extraordinary example. This eventually turned into how I had to meet up their expectations. Which was a false belief I developed and have for years struggled to break down.2 -
Imthempres wrote: »I am struggling now and have to make important life decisions within the next two weeks. I feel stuck and depressed with no support.
I wish you find all strength required to make a reasonable decision. From my own experience I am well aware of that when feeling depressed one's judgement becomes blurred since we periodically see differently. Depression can after all just predictable as the the weather.
Thankfully I have found a friend who never gave up on me, one that despite my setbacks still fights to be a part of my life. Whenever I feel lost, this friend reasons for what's best for me. Because I am incapable to make reasonable decisions at times when being the most vulnerable.2 -
Awesome post! Thank you so much for writhing it.1
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Thank you Anton for sharing your story. It's good to know that at least somewhere in this world people are taking actions to endure this pain. For many months I have been questioning myself of why do I feel so sad sometimes.
It amazes me how you can hide so many feelings and thoughts just by smiling. At the end of the day, when we close our bedroom doors and tune out all the drama of our everyday lives, it's just us... and that's when those "private thoughts and secrets worries" can creep in...
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. [...] At the end of the day, when we close our bedroom doors and tune out all the drama of our everyday lives, it's just us... and that's when those "private thoughts and secrets worries" can creep in...
This has been my greatest struggle for years. I am amazed how you were able to take the words out of my mouth.
I realised I didn't have this problem when sleeping next to someone, although I figured that it is hard to love someone else when you don't love yourself.
Nowadays I have a different approach that works when sleeping alone. I practice 15min of yoga stretch before going to bed; it realises tension and feels good in general. Then I have a "guided relaxation talk down", guess it's like mindfulness, I found it on YouTube.
This audio recording actually allows to block out my worst thoughts, 8/10 times. I do my best to stay concentrated to the instructions and somewhere find inner peace to fall asleep.2 -
The video I never shared.
It was made to be seen, yet personal on so many levels that I never mentioned anyone about it.
After all, it's purpose is to raise awareness of depression.
Let me present to you: "To carry an invisible mask"
http://youtu.be/hCaD3b3pAFg 7 -
Through the tears....all I can say is wow.0
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#3 Change for the better over night
Every now and then it happens that someone falls down in a negative, destructive cycle. It may last for an hour, days or even a whole year.
Eventually they hit the turning point where they start question it and decide that a change is necessary in order to leave this destructive pattern. A change over night...
The next day, a plan to break all the habits is made and executed. Finally becoming motivated for the better! Yet, it is like walking on a thin thread, but why?
Maybe it's the mood playing tricks, an unexpected event showing up - the result is that obstacles prevents one to proceed and succeed. Back to square one. The cycle will not let go of you.
Do you recognise yourself? The story above describes a chapter of my life. In order to finally move on I had to approach differently.
Rather than change for the better a night; I decided to make one important change a month. Replace each bad habit with a better one.
Let it take all time necessary. Effort defines you.3 -
Omg. I can't put into words just how much that video meant0
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Through the tears....all I can say is wow.mrsfitzyv8 wrote: »Omg. I can't put into words just how much that video meant
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Writing about this can be very therapeutic for you and at the same time helpful to others thank you for taking time to write it. Your video is really good and it is helpful in knowing many others go thru similar feelings. I go thru days where I feel really good and then twice as many where I just feel down, invisible and not always for a particular reason. For that it is even harder to explain to people for the very few I've tried give responses of why for no reason?!just snap out of it etc. so I tend to avoid others when I feel this way and before I know it it's been days of isolation in a way but am working on it. I get up and keep going,physically but emotionally I've come to terms with the fact that these feelings will come and go just not to let them take over. It's rough to have so many people have high expectations, always feeling like we're gonna let those people down bit also part of me thinks but do they really even care? And trying to stay positive and knowing what we need to do to get healthy but not always having the energy to stay on top of it.but we've made it this far and we're here for a reason so we gotta keep pushing forward.
Anyways I'm rambling on good to know others feel similarly. We can do this. There's always always something to be grateful for and if ever you feel like giving up again look to those things, pray about it and always seek help!1 -
#4 There is this place...
A place which can help me to move forward with my life. Although I do not feel comfortable to pass these doors. Maybe it can be a whole new place, but it can even be a place haunted with bad memories. A place where my past remains.
Now I have to visit this place again. It is just for a period of time, facing my fears. Maybe if I can pull myself together once more, I'll be able to move forward within these walls. To eventually unlock the potential this place has to offer me.1 -
Talking about this can be easier than you think, but also it has surprised me where resistance has come from. I often refer to my darkest times as "when I was really ill" or " when I was bat *kitten* crazy/ off my rocker/ a few sandwiches short of a picnic" etc. Some people find me referring to my mental health that way offensive. But it's my mental health so I'll own it however I want.
When my parents found out how ill I was, they said why didn't I tell them? I pointed out I had been telling them for a while, and my dad said they didn't realise it was different to my usual moaning. So talking about it too much desensitised them to it!
I was offered councelling at uni which meant changing one of my classes to another group. My tutor said if you are so ill you need weekly councelling you shouldn't be here. So I didn't take it. Perhaps of I had, it wouldn't have got as bad as it did. And I did a healthcare course so you would think the tutors would know better.
Later on during my uni course I talked about my own mental health to example the work we were doing and I was advised I shouldn't mention to other people about my issues. Yet they wanted to invite 'service users' to come in and tell their stories. I felt like that promoted an us and them attitude between professional and clients.
I do try and talk openly when it is the topic of conversation, to help others feel more comfortable with it. I don't give too many specifics though. There are some things people don't want/need to know.
Medication made a massive difference to me and they should not be something to avoid as such. But used as a tool to recovery rather than a sticking plaster ( if that makes sense).3 -
There is so much of value in the post from @lilac_bunny that I don't know where to begin. Really good point about medication, what frightens me is that the contained label says "slight chance of addiction". I am afraid I'd fine more comfort on using medication and forget how it is to move on without them.0
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wow... thank you so much for posting and for sharing. I will be coming back to this. I am at a low low point right now... many things building up and I'm finding myself shutting down. I also often get anxiety and keep waking up in the early hours with my mind all active with fears, issues and problems.
When I am at a low low point, I often tell myself " I CAN do this or it will be ok etc " but the feel good feeling only lasts maybe an hour then I'm back down again, it's like a big heavy blanket on my shoulders, weighs me down and that I try so hard to shrug off and sometimes I do but then it's back on again very quickly. Like after a good workout I feel GOOD and then I come down and it's all poopy again. UGH
I am one of those people who find it really really hard to talk to people face to face about my feelings, emotions and issues. Typing it out here is easier. I don't really have any close friends. I have a partner but I find it hard to talk to him. That's another story. I have never spoken to a 'professional' and couldn't afford it even if I wanted to.
I want to learn how to meditate but I find it really hard to tell my brain to shut the hell up or even pay attention to what is happening. I find it very hard to focus and concentrate.
Any meditations tips/recs???0 -
Izzyboo, we use a mindfulness cd to help with focus. There's a ton of good apps and cds out there, I just ordered one off iTunes.1
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Thanks sorauren. I will look at that. I think it will help me a lot.1
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#5 Conversation with a friend
You know it frustrates me. I've had the privilege to be born and raised in a such secure and well developed country as Sweden. I have had the opportunity to go to school free of charge thanks to the governmental taxation system and even got paid the last three years to get a fundamental education to take on the world.
Yet I am left puzzled. The cards I have been dealt allows an endless of possibilities, there are billions of people out there who would be thankful if they could have been dealt the same deck I acquire.
Still here I am, having troubles to leave my bed in the morning because I can't see any point. It bothers me to see how indirectly arrogant and spoiled I am.
A part of me have for years just wanted to run away, leaving all security behind and just try to live on the streets. It is that part of me who believes a bit of hard life wouldn't hurt me but actually strengthen me, to wake me up and start to appreciate all the good things I actually have the ability to do.0 -
Great self marketing post...0
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