Breakdown? BREAKTHROUGH!!

thanks for all of the support everyone, i really appreciate it. i had a HORRRRIBLE night, but also sort of a good night becuase i had a great talk with my mom. i bawled and bawled and pretty much outlined what i did in my other post, and told her how i feel sadder now than when i would binge and she told me to think about what i was saying.

so i did, and she's right (aren't mom's always?)

i used to eat and eat and eat with abandon, thinking that i was making myself feel happy and filling some unknown void. but i wouldn't be happy. she told me to remember how many times on monday morning i would call her in hysterics, riddled with sadness, depression and guilt becasue i had just spent the last 3 days in a food induced stupor. she suggested that i look at it as the less of 2 unhappinesses.

This is what i feel like when i binge:
- in control of what i put in my body.
- out of conrol
- happy momentarily
- depressed
- ashamed
- riddled with guilt
- alone
- full
- sick
- insane
- miserable

Here is what i feel like following my plan:
- proud of myself
- somewhat in control
- somewhat happy
- depressed
- free from guilt
- somewhat alone (thanks mfp friends)'
- hungry some of the time
- healthy
- somewhat insane (thinking about food all the time makes me CRAZY!!)
- less miserable


so all in all, even though it is a struggle and sucks quite alot of the time, in the end, the outcome is so much better. i might hate eating healthy most of the time, but i hated MYSELF when i ate poorly all of the time. i dont want to hate myself.

one thing she said that stuck with me, and i'm goign to remember anytime i feel this way again:

"Mild Deprivation feels alot better than Self-loathing".

even though i'm not really depriving myself, in my mind i am because i am not able to eat to the extent i used to. but it really is not worth it.

another thing she said (love you mom) was that eventually i'll get to the point where i'll be able to go out for dinner, or on a vacation and eat whatever i want and know WHEN TO STOP!! i dont fully have that capability right now, but i am learning. she said soon it will become second nature: i'll eat what i want, when i want and leave it at that. i'll enjoy my food, stop when i'm full and stop having any emotional attachment to it.

this was a breakthrough for me today. took a 2 hour conversation and buckets of tears, but i think i finally made some progress.

i didn't binge today, and i'm so proud. when i thought about what i would feel like if i did, it wasn't worth it.