Should I wait until I've lost weight to tell him how I feel?

May33338
May33338 Posts: 300 Member
edited November 2016 in Health and Weight Loss
I've always been short and petite at a weight of 94 to 96 pounds and barely 5 feet tall.
This year has been the hardest one I've ever had to deal with, filled with a lot of loss and failure, and because I didn't know how to cope, I turned to food for comfort (I know I was wrong to do that). I'm now currently 121 pounds.

I've had feelings for a guy I know for a about half a year now, but every time I look at him, I feel like I need to be my best before I can reveal how I feel to him. I feel like I'm not good enough to even have feelings for him and feel like I have no right to have them in the first place. He's extremely popular and good looking, which makes me feel like I should improve even more.

Recently I was diagnosed with heart problems that I won't go into detail about, but I was told to take it easy with exercise, and to lose weight slow and steady. It will probably take me around 7-9 months to get rid of the excess weight since I won't be able to exercise much.

I know of course that I may be rejected regardless when or at what weight I tell him, but I just don't know if I should wait.

He's the kindest, warmest, most loving person I've ever met in my life, with an incredible sense of humor. I don't mind if I get rejected, but I would mind if I never revealed how I felt to him.

I'm sorry if I'm rambling, but I'd really like some advice from anyone.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for whatever advice you can give me.

Replies

  • akilia112010
    akilia112010 Posts: 46 Member
    If you think it'll take you 7 to 9 months to lose weight, then I wouldn't suggest waiting to tell him. There's no telling who will pop in and out of his life in that time. If you don't mind getting rejected, which you may not because I'm sure he would like you the way you are, then go ahead and tell him. Be confident no matter what. He may even be able to help you with little things like going for walks with you as exercise. You never know! :)
  • laur357
    laur357 Posts: 896 Member
    If you're both available right now, go for it.
    Things could change by the time you lose weight, or you could push yourself to lose weight in an unhealthy manner to speed things up - not a great idea since your medical team has already given you guidance. Also, at 5 feet and 120 pounds, you're still in a healthy weight range . . .

    Good luck!
  • daniip_la
    daniip_la Posts: 678 Member
    I'm telling you wholeheartedly to go for it! If he's as amazing as you say he is, he won't reject you for a few extra pounds.

    Not that I can follow that advice myself, but I can push you to do it. ;)
  • jodieelol
    jodieelol Posts: 33 Member
    I met my boyfriend when I was three stone heavier. Currently lost almost 4 stone in total. I am proud to know that he loves me for who I am and not because of how I look. As guys who turned me down when I was bigger seemingly want to be in my life now. I would tell him now.
  • dragon_girl26
    dragon_girl26 Posts: 2,187 Member
    edited November 2016
    May33338 wrote: »

    I've had feelings for a guy I know for a about half a year now, but every time I look at him, I feel like I need to be my best before I can reveal how I feel to him. I feel like I'm not good enough to even have feelings for him and feel like I have no right to have them in the first place. He's extremely popular and good looking, which makes me feel like I should improve even more.

    If he's the kindest person you've ever met, and if he feels the same way, he's going to have feelings for you regardless of how you look. Think of how you feel now...would you care if he was 20 pounds heavier? When I was dating my ex, he gained and lost weight, and I barely noticed. It wasn't importantin the grand scheme of things.

    One thing that attracts both women and men is confidence. There are much heavier women with great looking men, and visa versa, because they had confidence. You ARE good enough, you have every right to have feelings, and you deserve to have someone who sees and brings out the best in you. If he doesn't see your value, or thinks he is above you, then he's not going to be a partner you'd want, anyway. That's not a dynamic for a healthy relationship. Receiving love starts by loving yourself, regardless of your weight.
  • rbcarving
    rbcarving Posts: 2 Member
    As you get older, you will regret the things you didn't do more than the ones you did. Also remember, rejecting you as a "girlfriend" doesn't at all mean he rejects your weight. Could be that he just doesn't feel that way about you. If he is a great guy and truly interested in the dating possibility, your weight wont matter. Be confident in yourself and don't make one event the controlling factor of your happiness. ;-)
  • Rebecca0224
    Rebecca0224 Posts: 810 Member
    I'm 4'11" and weigh 131 and don't look bad or "fat" and until a couple years ago I had never been over 120 (I was in the army and was incredibly toned) I went up to 145 and panicked. I think that when we are small all our lives even 20lbs can seem horrible. I gained 25lbs and everyone tells me I look great but I think I look horrible. You are beautiful, you are amazing, we all are. Tell him because you both deserve to know what is happening and do it now because tomorrow is not guaranteed. Good luck and do what the doctor says.
  • Trish1c
    Trish1c Posts: 549 Member
    I agree that making an announcement is NOT the way to go.
  • dragon_girl26
    dragon_girl26 Posts: 2,187 Member
    edited November 2016
    elisa123gal wrote: »
    My experience with men is that they don't like "big talks" and "big feeling reveals" it something women romanticize, but men don't get at all.

    Why not continue your friendship.. and look for true signs of his interest. Do some old fashioned flirting.. send him clear signals that your interested.. How about ask him over for dinner. He'll respond if he's interested . But don't do some big talk that to him will seem out of the blue.

    I agree with this, too. A big reveal might be uncomfortable for him and put him on the spot. Besides, flirting is fun. :) Dress nicely around him. Show genuine interest in what he's doing. Make his favorite dessert, whatever it takes to show interest, and see how he responds.
  • Lounmoun
    Lounmoun Posts: 8,423 Member
    cmriverside wrote: »
    I think I would not tell him, "I have feelings for you." I would ask him to go out with me to some place like a concert or a comedy show or on a hike. Let him get to know you slowly. Guys sometimes freak out when you tell them straight-up that you have feelings for them. He probably already has some idea. It will be easier on you if you don't put your heart on your sleeve too early, too.

    Take it slow, it's always better that way.

    Good luck!

    I didn't envension the OP professing her undying love but saying Hey, I think you are great, I'd like to get to know you better, want to go on a date?
  • cmriverside
    cmriverside Posts: 34,409 Member
    Lounmoun wrote: »
    cmriverside wrote: »
    I think I would not tell him, "I have feelings for you." I would ask him to go out with me to some place like a concert or a comedy show or on a hike. Let him get to know you slowly. Guys sometimes freak out when you tell them straight-up that you have feelings for them. He probably already has some idea. It will be easier on you if you don't put your heart on your sleeve too early, too.

    Take it slow, it's always better that way.

    Good luck!

    I didn't envension the OP professing her undying love but saying Hey, I think you are great, I'd like to get to know you better, want to go on a date?

    OP says in the OP:
    I've had feelings for a guy I know for a about half a year now, but every time I look at him, I feel like I need to be my best before I can reveal how I feel to him.

    "I have feelings for him." "I have feelings for you." Explain how I misinterpreted.
  • JBApplebee
    JBApplebee Posts: 481 Member
    Life is short, don't wait. What if you wait 7 months & lose the weight, but he's not available? If he rejects you because of your weight, he's not worthy.
  • Unknown
    Unknown
    edited November 2016
    This content has been removed.
  • MaybeLed
    MaybeLed Posts: 250 Member
    edited November 2016
    rbcarving wrote: »
    As you get older, you will regret the things you didn't do more than the ones you did. Also remember, rejecting you as a "girlfriend" doesn't at all mean he rejects your weight. Could be that he just doesn't feel that way about you. If he is a great guy and truly interested in the dating possibility, your weight wont matter. Be confident in yourself and don't make one event the controlling factor of your happiness. ;-)

    So I was friends with this guy for 2 years, and he was the most adorable, kind and wonderful man. After being fantastic friends and choosing to spend most of our free time together I eventually had to go 'Look are you going to ask me out or what?'

    and he did, (coincidentally 8 years ago today) he didn't know I liked him, and didn't want to ruin our friendship even though he liked me
    TL;DR We've been married 2 years

    We met when I was overweight, we married when I was obese because he is a great guy it doesn’t matter.

    So just a couple of points,
    • You don’t know what will happen until you do it.
    • If he rejects you your weight will probably be irrelevant to that if he really is a good guy.
    • Grand romantic gestures are best saved for movies, so a gentle ‘hey would you like to go for dinner, just us?’

    ETA: spelling damn it, and I'm not suggesting you tell him to ask you out, that's just how we were with each other.
  • msf74
    msf74 Posts: 3,498 Member
    You've known him for over a year and a half and he hasn't made a move yet? What does that tell you?

    I'd forget about letting him know, lose the weight while keeping on the prowl for someone else and if he makes a move at you at some point in the future then happy days. Otherwise why spoil a beautiful friendship for a moment of self indulgence?
  • Rinde99
    Rinde99 Posts: 393 Member
    Excellent advice about ditching a pronouncement of feelings. That's making it all about you as is believing there's a magical weight for you to be good enough versus caring what's between the 2 of you or about his thoughts and feelings. Assuming you're already friends or at a minimum, acquaintances, then deepening the existing relationship is a better way to go. As previously mentioned, adding a flirtatious element is fun and also a way to gauge his interest without creating any awkward moments for either of you. Additionally, feeling a potential partner to be your superior is not the best way to start off any romantic relationship. Most emotionally mature individuals don't want to be placed on a pedestal. They want strong, self-assured partners. Perhaps, this is an area of growth for you? Whatever your decision, I wish you you well with your weightloss as well as your romantic life.
  • ronjsteele1
    ronjsteele1 Posts: 1,064 Member
    edited November 2016
    Another one here for not being direct with him. Men just don't do real well with those kind of talks (21 yrs of marriage speaking here. LOL). If you want someone that will workout with you, ask him if he wants to go for a hike and coffee and just be friendly with him. Let things build naturally. But definitely have the confidence to ask him if he wants to do something. Hiking, walking, coffee, a movie, whatever. If you think he might feel more comfortable in a group setting, then set up some sort of activity with friends and invite him. If he's interested, he'll show up. I'm pretty much in the "be a good old fashioned flirt" group. :) But definitely don't wait.

Categories