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Advice on how to deal with a "skinny" Friend



  • comptonelizabeth
    comptonelizabeth Posts: 1,689 Member
    I'd say she's threatened. I think this happens also to recovering alcoholics and I know from experience it happens when you quit smoking.
    I suffer from a bowel disorder which means there are many foods I can't eat. My friends know this yet still persist in trying to get me to eat curry/pizza/fill in the blank. I've stopped trying to explain. Just ignore it if you can,or smile sweetly and change the subject :smile:
  • healthy491
    healthy491 Posts: 384 Member
    Just tell her to keep what she is eating to herself as you dont really need to know
    How is she that skinny and eats all that stuff though?
  • paperpudding
    paperpudding Posts: 7,182 Member
    I agree with others she might be fearful of the dynamics of relationship changing but also I think she is enjoying teasing you and you are enabling that by reacting.

    You have asked her not to do it. I wouldn't ask any more, I would just disengage from it - ie don't talk about your weight with her and ignore pics of food, delete them as soon as you get them and if she asks ( and only if she asks, don't bring it up yourself) if you got them just say I deleted it, I don t want to see food pics. Just that unemotionally and without detail - take the enjoyment out of it for her.

    As somebody else said she will get bored with it if there is no reaction, and will probably stop. If she doesn't stop, just delete, ignore, don't react - if you can't change her, control what you do about it.
    Make it a non- Issue for you.
  • courtneyfabulous
    courtneyfabulous Posts: 1,863 Member
    healthy491 wrote: »
    Just tell her to keep what she is eating to herself as you dont really need to know
    How is she that skinny and eats all that stuff though?

    I used to wonder how my thin friends eat the things they do and yet stay thin...

    It might seem like magic, but they usually either have a fast metabolism or higher maintenance calories than average (tall, very active, etc), or something wrong with their digestion (I have one friend who stays thin no matter what she eats but has Crohn's disease so weight loss is a common symptom of that), or they just don't eat very often or vey much so although the foods they choose are high calorie their overall calories for the day aren't over maintenance.

    Also they can eat a lot more calories than those of us who are trying to lose weight because they're just maintaining their weight- so they don't need to be in a deficit.

  • canadianlbs
    canadianlbs Posts: 5,202 Member
    i'm not sure she is teasing/needling. could be . . . but another thing that happens among 'thin' women is a whole bonding meme around this concept of going through cycles of deprivation/reward . . . together.

    i've heard it from or between friends all my life. only reason i never went along with it/got into it was because i wasn't going to admit that any such thing as a 'diet' might be a good thing in my case.

    just saying that if the friend is valuable to the op and something like that's going on, then 'ditch the *kitten*! she's jealous' might not be where this is actually at.
  • courtneyfabulous
    courtneyfabulous Posts: 1,863 Member
    i had friend who did this to me. It was so annoying . I started sending her thinspo every time she did it and she quit after a while

    Ha! Nice.
  • amandapleighse92
    amandapleighse92 Posts: 47 Member
    my mom gets her feelings her sometimes because I complain about y weight so much and she is bigger than me.I don't mean to be offensive I just don't think about it.
  • jenilla1
    jenilla1 Posts: 11,142 Member
    healthy491 wrote: »
    Just tell her to keep what she is eating to herself as you dont really need to know
    How is she that skinny and eats all that stuff though?

    It's not magic...I eat cookies and mac n cheese, etc., and I'm thin. But I eat that stuff within my calorie goals and I also exercise to earn more cookies. No exercise, no cookies. :)
  • amusedmonkey
    amusedmonkey Posts: 10,321 Member
    edited November 2016
    Something to understand about people who watch their weight, fat or skinny, most of them have more food ideation than someone who is not actively watching their weight. They also talk more about food than anyone else (just take a look at the forums). They like to think about food, look up recipes, try out recipes, food porn images, foods are twice as appealing when you can have them and still control your weight which feels like an achievement...etc. It's a coping mechanism. This is especially true for someone who is watching their weight in maintenance, especially if they are thin, because there are fewer hard rules and no's and the prospects of all kinds of delicious foods feels more attainable - yet so far away. Appetite tends to go up the skinnier you get, but your calorie budget tends to go down.

    Possibly that's how she copes with the deprivation she feels sometimes, so sharing that kind of behavior with you is like sharing her coping mechanism and bonding over common hardships. Yes, it may feel annoying to you, but try to understand it before letting yourself get upset.

    What I would personally do:
    I would explain exactly how it makes me feel and what exactly I expect from her and what I'm willing to do in return, just like you explained here, but take active steps to meet halfway:
    - Images are just that. You don't eat images. I would fantasize with her and consider it some sort of bonding. Fantasies don't have calories so they don't hurt my diet. If they do annoy you that much, simply ask her to stop sending them and explain how annoying it is to you. I don't mind them personally.
    - I would let her know that X times per week/month I will have calories saved for something special we could enjoy together, and that outside of that - stick to the pictures.
  • shellyld2016
    shellyld2016 Posts: 288 Member
    Send her pics of amputated feet and hands or diabetic sores and explain that you are avoiding these. As a friend, I'm sure she will understand.
  • grapaj
    grapaj Posts: 136 Member
    Is it possible she is tired of hearing about your diet and is passive aggressively trying to get you to shut it?

    Like if I had a friend who kept raving about her Isogenix successes or something I'd probably start sending her pics of my own food choices.

  • amysuemartin718
    amysuemartin718 Posts: 99 Member
    I must admit both her parents are diabetics and they eat just as bad as she does and they are both overweight. So you would think she would understand what is happening, but sadly she is clueless. I've just been ignoring the food posts she puts on my facebook page or just hiding them and not responding. She mentioned Mexican food the other day and I said, "no, thank you, I'm taking my health serious and no cheating, no tempations."

  • Mary_Anastasia
    Mary_Anastasia Posts: 267 Member
    One of my BFFs is the same way, I'm with you.

    I told her I was revamping my life, that I was going to invest more into becoming the person I want to be, including losing weight, finding a hobby, and doing more of what I love, including volunteering with the park system. She promptly burst into tears and said she liked me just the way I am and to not change. In 20 years of being best friends, whenever I visit, she has always presented me with one of these menu items, usually having already bought it: pizza, cake, McDonald's takeout, Cheesecake Factory. I think that's it.
  • You know, the majority of people don't think about this stuff at all (diets, food etc etc) . Maybe she really likes cookies and knows you do too? Maybe this is her way of saying to you that she doesn't see you as overweight. I'm skinny and if I sent an overweight friend a picture of a cookie or said we should go out for pizza wouldn't be for deep, dark reasons. It just wouldn't occur to me that it would be a big deal. Let her know it's a big deal to you and I'm sure she will stop.
  • Neanbean13
    Neanbean13 Posts: 212 Member
    These people are toxic. Unfortunately some like to befriend people they feel better about themselves around. Then when the other friend is trying to lose weight etc it triggers their insecurities and they will do things like this. They appear to be supportive but their actions say otherwise. However because they have been your friend for so long it's hard to see life without them because they have probably fed your unhealthy habits for so long. It's like a codependency.
    They have 'liked' you as you are (allowing u to eat drink etc for so long) and you've liked them for letting you do this for so long. They've liked you because they feel better, smarter or skinner than you.
    Now you have chosen to change this makes them feel uncomfortable.
    How do I know? I was that 'skinny friend'
    Sometimes if u have a relationship based on more things you can ride it out and the skinny friend gets used to the idea and you can come to a good place...
    However, if she is your friend the best thing you can do is TELL HER how it makes u feel.
    Next time she texts u, say....hey skinny friend can u not send me those pics please? I'm trying hard to be healthy and u sending me these pics isn't helping'. Till you call it out, they won't even think it effects you so much, esp if you two have been making light of the situation.
    If she IS a true friend, if u can speak your mind and NOT be offended then keep her round.