The "Been there, tried that, and failed queen"

If I had to say when my battle with my weight began, I would have to say Jr. High. I was athletic and energetic, joining sports for the love of the competition and soon found that I was rhythmically talented as well after joining the dance drill team. I had struggled a bit with body image (comparing myself to the much thinner girls in school) but it wasn't until Drill Team tryouts where I was on the drama stage, with dozens of other girls who were frantically trying to memorize a routine we had only seen but maybe an hour prior and I had it down to a tee. I was so proud of myself with my high kicks and on point pirouettes that I never expected what was about to happen. Down in the seats below were a number of teachers who had been watching the tryouts and I overheard two of the male teachers talking, “I can’t believe they’re going to let all these fat girls on the team.” I’m 43 years old today and I’m not blaming my current situation on that moment in my life, but it was a moment that obviously has stuck with me and not in a good way.

I didn’t begin to “diet” until after my first child in the early 90’s. I walked 4 miles a day with my bestie and practically starved myself on “rabbit food” as I watched others scarf down whatever was in front of them. My Mother – in – law said to me one time, “I just don’t know why you’re so fat, I mean you eat like a bird!” I was 140lbs at that time, but I guess on my 5’4 frame that looked like a lot to her since I had gained 20lbs during my pregnancy. Through the years I would try the no carb diet, the no meat diet, the no fruit diet, and I would see some changes, but as soon as I waivered from the strict menu selection, I would put it all right back on. I tried the gym route and religiously would be there every morning rotating a combination of cardio and weights. After 4 consecutive months, I had only lost 10lbs and quickly became discouraged.

My friends would try to help and be encouraging by telling me I had hit a plateau or that it was my genes that were preventing me from reaching my goals, that it wasn’t my fault. I knew deep down inside that I reached for food when I was experiencing a major dark emotion and I had even “trained” myself to celebrate with food. We hit the restaurants when it was a birthday, anniversary, or anything positive to celebrate. I also knew deep in my heart that I had no limits. I never knew when enough was really enough, and I mean enough for sustainability, not explosion. I would eat till I was about to pop and that was my “dummy light” going off. Food was my friend and I had made it my bestie, celebrating with it in good times and bad, I didn’t want to part with it, it had become my security blanket.

The most shocking thing happened to me while I visited a local Dr.’s office, she led me into the room and we both took a seat. I hadn’t uttered a word as she glanced at me and said, “You need to stop eating oatmeal.” I was stunned! The first words out of a Dr.’s mouth when they first meet you are usually, “and what brings you here today?” But even more stunning than that was the fact that I had been following yet another “healthy diet” at the time and I in fact had eaten oatmeal every morning that week! I was in awe and asked her how she knew. She told me, “You’re all swollen.” WOW was all that I could think. When we finished with the visit and she started writing on her tablet. She handed me the paper and on it was a list of vitamins and the name of a book, “The Grain Brain”. I’d never been to a Dr.’s visit and been prescribed a book to read. I was intrigued.
I did in fact read the book and was astonished by the effects that food has on us physically. At least the stuff we call food anyway. To make it even more personal, one of the neurological issues that they have proven is a result of such poor living/eating, I suffer from. Had I been slowly killing my brain and choking my body to death by malnutrition?

To make a long story less long, I stumbled on a video of a man’s story he shared regarding sugar and its part in our lives today, paired with the book I had decided to eat clean. I made great strides and lost 11lbs. in just 4 short weeks. I felt amazing and I never saw the detour signs flashing warning ahead. I inadvertently dove right off the cliff, head first. A whole month later and I felt disgusting and emotionally beat down when I step on the scale and it screams at me, “You’ve put every pound back on, loser!”
So, today I am under the care of my Dr.’s who jointly agree that I am a mess and by body is screaming at me to hurry up and do something about it, so today is Day #1. I am taking the day meal by meal; so far so good. I am logging all my food items and I am always open to new friends who are looking for encouragement as well as being an encouragement. God, I need your help. Thanks for reading and have a blessed day!