How to be selfish, but not mean
Replies
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I am taking care of my brother. I have a do not touch shelf in the fridge. He eventually complied.2
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You've got some tough choices to make, and not just about food. An adult woman that lives with her son & his girlfriend...can't kick in for groceries, wont respect your boundaries, and calls you mean for trying to establish reasonable boundaries. RED FLAGS!
Trust me...I have a nightmare for a mother-in-law. Based on my experience - it will always be about her and what she wants, with zero consideration for you.
Decide now what you can live with, and what you can't. Draw the line and stick with it. Otherwise she will continue to walk all over you.OhReally42 wrote: »My boyfriend and I haven't fought about it, but him and his mom and me and his mom.
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OhReally42 wrote: »She's been saying since the beginning of the year that she's going to move and just never does. She has money to buy her own food, she honestly has more money than we do, she just doesn't manage her money in a good way. The only bill she contributes to is her half of the rent, but not utilities. My bf just tried to talk to her in a civilized conversation and she got mad saying "at least we get to eat today". Ive unfortunately resorted to counted slices of bread and numbers of eggs and I know she's lying. I feel like this is so petty but it's been 3 years of fighting over food and it's becoming more and more stressful
She is not contributing equally to the household even though she could. She is causing conflict and using you guys financially apparently for 3 years. Enough. It is time for the two of you to help her find a place of her own.2 -
Extreme solution - do you guys own your home or are you renting? If you're renting, can you move? I had friends who had to do this to get away from her brother, who had moved in. He just wouldn't go, and he was a pig to live with. They found another place, told him they were moving so he would either have to stay and pay all the rent himself, or find new digs. It was a hassle, and extreme, but it worked.6
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Clearly the situation is extremely complex and tense, but if it were me and money not an issue, I'd just buy more food. If you're already able to hide dry foods, that's at least a partial win.
Here's something, though. If your special PCOS diet requires nutritious, whole foods for example, and someone else in the house enjoys eating that, too, is that such a bad thing?1 -
Clearly the situation is extremely complex and tense, but if it were me and money not an issue, I'd just buy more food. If you're already able to hide dry foods, that's at least a partial win.
Here's something, though. If your special PCOS diet requires nutritious, whole foods for example, and someone else in the house enjoys eating that, too, is that such a bad thing?
If it's causing them financial strain I would say yes. No one should have to live like that in their own house. Gtfoh.0 -
OhReally42 wrote: »My boyfriend and I haven't fought about it, but him and his mom and me and his mom.
Yet. He need to balls up and stand up to his mom. Tell her to stop the bullcrap or get the eff out. That simple. Unless of course you enjoy being a doormat.0 -
Chef_Barbell wrote: »Clearly the situation is extremely complex and tense, but if it were me and money not an issue, I'd just buy more food. If you're already able to hide dry foods, that's at least a partial win.
Here's something, though. If your special PCOS diet requires nutritious, whole foods for example, and someone else in the house enjoys eating that, too, is that such a bad thing?
If it's causing them financial strain I would say yes. No one should have to live like that in their own house. Gtfoh.
The situation is a bit ludicrous to me. Financial strain feeding a house guest - surely they didn't think she just wouldn't eat? Also curious what this special diet food is, where his mother is okay to eat everything else but not this. We talking milk, eggs and celery, here?
More options: OP buys food in the plain variety that others don't want to eat. Plain yogurt, plain cottage cheese, plain whole wheat bread. I even did a "carrot pudding" desert that no one else would touch whenever I made it. Not saying any of these are PCOS diet friendly, as I don't know what those foods are. Just an idea in theory
OP could also lick the foods in front of bf's mother before storing them in the fridge
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Chef_Barbell wrote: »Clearly the situation is extremely complex and tense, but if it were me and money not an issue, I'd just buy more food. If you're already able to hide dry foods, that's at least a partial win.
Here's something, though. If your special PCOS diet requires nutritious, whole foods for example, and someone else in the house enjoys eating that, too, is that such a bad thing?
If it's causing them financial strain I would say yes. No one should have to live like that in their own house. Gtfoh.
The situation is a bit ludicrous to me. Financial strain feeding a house guest - surely they didn't think she just wouldn't eat? Also curious what this special diet food is, where his mother is okay to eat everything else but not this. We talking milk, eggs and celery, here?
More options: OP buys food in the plain variety that others don't want to eat. Plain yogurt, plain cottage cheese, plain whole wheat bread. I even did a "carrot pudding" desert that no one else would touch whenever I made it. Not saying any of these are PCOS diet friendly, as I don't know what those foods are. Just an idea in theory
OP could also lick the foods in front of bf's mother before storing them in the fridge
Because the guest is not contributing at all financially to the house is the big picture. You would let someone stay in your house rent free, not contribute anything and run it? :noway:
Being accommodating to someone like that is just letting them walk all over you.1 -
Chef_Barbell wrote: »Chef_Barbell wrote: »Clearly the situation is extremely complex and tense, but if it were me and money not an issue, I'd just buy more food. If you're already able to hide dry foods, that's at least a partial win.
Here's something, though. If your special PCOS diet requires nutritious, whole foods for example, and someone else in the house enjoys eating that, too, is that such a bad thing?
If it's causing them financial strain I would say yes. No one should have to live like that in their own house. Gtfoh.
The situation is a bit ludicrous to me. Financial strain feeding a house guest - surely they didn't think she just wouldn't eat? Also curious what this special diet food is, where his mother is okay to eat everything else but not this. We talking milk, eggs and celery, here?
More options: OP buys food in the plain variety that others don't want to eat. Plain yogurt, plain cottage cheese, plain whole wheat bread. I even did a "carrot pudding" desert that no one else would touch whenever I made it. Not saying any of these are PCOS diet friendly, as I don't know what those foods are. Just an idea in theory
OP could also lick the foods in front of bf's mother before storing them in the fridge
Because the guest is not contributing at all financially to the house is the big picture. You would let someone stay in your house rent free, not contribute anything and run it? :noway:
Being accommodating to someone like that is just letting them walk all over you.
Half the rent, she said. There have already been some very good points on asking for additional help or dissolving this arrangement if it's not working out. But in response to your point, I'd say to me the woman is not "someone", she's his mother. I'm just saying from my view, the whole welcome to my house and you can eat this, but not that just seems WEIRD to me.2 -
Well, this would drive me nuts in that she won't listen and communicate about the food (leaving out any monetary situation). But I guess I don't understand the special nature of the food that you buy for yourself. Special low-carb food or gluten free - that kind of thing? Can you turn it around and buy only things that work for you and then a few "special treats" that are just for her (and your boyfriend maybe) that are "off-limits" to you? Reverse psychology maybe!
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OhReally42 wrote: »Chef_Barbell wrote: »Eff outta here. Tell her if she can't stop eating your food she can get the eff out. But that would be me and what I would do. What does your boyfriend say?
My boyfriend is just as frustrated. It's a hard situation because she gets just as angry at him, and meaner. But he agrees that we need to get a mini fridge and find a way to hide it.
The terrible thing about this is that your boyfriend's mom is going to be running your life because you are with someone who is still controlled by his mom. Don't be surprised further along in your relationship as he continues to ask you to change your lifestyle to best fit his mom. Such as hiding a mini-fridge in your own house!4 -
Chef_Barbell wrote: »Chef_Barbell wrote: »Clearly the situation is extremely complex and tense, but if it were me and money not an issue, I'd just buy more food. If you're already able to hide dry foods, that's at least a partial win.
Here's something, though. If your special PCOS diet requires nutritious, whole foods for example, and someone else in the house enjoys eating that, too, is that such a bad thing?
If it's causing them financial strain I would say yes. No one should have to live like that in their own house. Gtfoh.
The situation is a bit ludicrous to me. Financial strain feeding a house guest - surely they didn't think she just wouldn't eat? Also curious what this special diet food is, where his mother is okay to eat everything else but not this. We talking milk, eggs and celery, here?
More options: OP buys food in the plain variety that others don't want to eat. Plain yogurt, plain cottage cheese, plain whole wheat bread. I even did a "carrot pudding" desert that no one else would touch whenever I made it. Not saying any of these are PCOS diet friendly, as I don't know what those foods are. Just an idea in theory
OP could also lick the foods in front of bf's mother before storing them in the fridge
Because the guest is not contributing at all financially to the house is the big picture. You would let someone stay in your house rent free, not contribute anything and run it? :noway:
Being accommodating to someone like that is just letting them walk all over you.
Half the rent, she said. There have already been some very good points on asking for additional help or dissolving this arrangement if it's not working out. But in response to your point, I'd say to me the woman is not "someone", she's his mother. I'm just saying from my view, the whole welcome to my house and you can eat this, but not that just seems WEIRD to me.
The whole arrangement itself is weird. If she has her own money she should have her own place and let her son be a man with his girlfriend. The whole girlfriend should be accommodating to someone who's NOT her mother is strange as well because I would have kicked rocks a long time ago.0 -
OhReally42 wrote: »
I stuck sticky notes on that shelve. I do meal prep Sunday so all of our M-F Lunch and Dinners go on that shelf. I think there was confusion about what was leftovers from the weekend that he is welcome to have and what was "diet food".
He used to complain that there is nothing for him to eat during the work week but I reminded him he pays no rent or utilities and I gave him a free car. I am happy to make him dinner Saturday and Sunday, but I can't afford feeding him all the time.5 -
Chef_Barbell wrote: »Clearly the situation is extremely complex and tense, but if it were me and money not an issue, I'd just buy more food. If you're already able to hide dry foods, that's at least a partial win.
Here's something, though. If your special PCOS diet requires nutritious, whole foods for example, and someone else in the house enjoys eating that, too, is that such a bad thing?
If it's causing them financial strain I would say yes. No one should have to live like that in their own house. Gtfoh.
The situation is a bit ludicrous to me. Financial strain feeding a house guest - surely they didn't think she just wouldn't eat? Also curious what this special diet food is, where his mother is okay to eat everything else but not this. We talking milk, eggs and celery, here?
More options: OP buys food in the plain variety that others don't want to eat. Plain yogurt, plain cottage cheese, plain whole wheat bread. I even did a "carrot pudding" desert that no one else would touch whenever I made it. Not saying any of these are PCOS diet friendly, as I don't know what those foods are. Just an idea in theory
OP could also lick the foods in front of bf's mother before storing them in the fridge
You are not a guest if you have been living there for 3 years.5 -
Chef_Barbell wrote: »Clearly the situation is extremely complex and tense, but if it were me and money not an issue, I'd just buy more food. If you're already able to hide dry foods, that's at least a partial win.
Here's something, though. If your special PCOS diet requires nutritious, whole foods for example, and someone else in the house enjoys eating that, too, is that such a bad thing?
If it's causing them financial strain I would say yes. No one should have to live like that in their own house. Gtfoh.
The situation is a bit ludicrous to me. Financial strain feeding a house guest - surely they didn't think she just wouldn't eat? Also curious what this special diet food is, where his mother is okay to eat everything else but not this. We talking milk, eggs and celery, here?
More options: OP buys food in the plain variety that others don't want to eat. Plain yogurt, plain cottage cheese, plain whole wheat bread. I even did a "carrot pudding" desert that no one else would touch whenever I made it. Not saying any of these are PCOS diet friendly, as I don't know what those foods are. Just an idea in theory
OP could also lick the foods in front of bf's mother before storing them in the fridge
You are not a guest if you have been living there for 3 years.
It's even more strange to me when viewed exclusively in that context. Like I said, she's his mother. Was she doing "my food your food" when he lived with her once upon a time?2 -
Just think of it as The Hunger Games.
Either she dies...or you do.
May the odds ever be in your favour
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Chef_Barbell wrote: »Clearly the situation is extremely complex and tense, but if it were me and money not an issue, I'd just buy more food. If you're already able to hide dry foods, that's at least a partial win.
Here's something, though. If your special PCOS diet requires nutritious, whole foods for example, and someone else in the house enjoys eating that, too, is that such a bad thing?
If it's causing them financial strain I would say yes. No one should have to live like that in their own house. Gtfoh.
The situation is a bit ludicrous to me. Financial strain feeding a house guest - surely they didn't think she just wouldn't eat? Also curious what this special diet food is, where his mother is okay to eat everything else but not this. We talking milk, eggs and celery, here?
More options: OP buys food in the plain variety that others don't want to eat. Plain yogurt, plain cottage cheese, plain whole wheat bread. I even did a "carrot pudding" desert that no one else would touch whenever I made it. Not saying any of these are PCOS diet friendly, as I don't know what those foods are. Just an idea in theory
OP could also lick the foods in front of bf's mother before storing them in the fridge
You are not a guest if you have been living there for 3 years.
It's even more strange to me when viewed exclusively in that context. Like I said, she's his mother. Was she doing "my food your food" when he lived with her once upon a time?
He's grown. She needs to let go.1 -
Many red flags there. Think carefully before going further than boyfriend and girlfriend.3
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OP, WHY does the mom live with you?
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Alatariel75 wrote: »Extreme solution - do you guys own your home or are you renting? If you're renting, can you move? I had friends who had to do this to get away from her brother, who had moved in. He just wouldn't go, and he was a pig to live with. They found another place, told him they were moving so he would either have to stay and pay all the rent himself, or find new digs. It was a hassle, and extreme, but it worked.
This was my thought, too. If I was renting and having this issue with my mother-in-law (she's a real peach, too), I would move out and leave her to figure things out.1 -
Chef_Barbell wrote: »Clearly the situation is extremely complex and tense, but if it were me and money not an issue, I'd just buy more food. If you're already able to hide dry foods, that's at least a partial win.
Here's something, though. If your special PCOS diet requires nutritious, whole foods for example, and someone else in the house enjoys eating that, too, is that such a bad thing?
If it's causing them financial strain I would say yes. No one should have to live like that in their own house. Gtfoh.
The situation is a bit ludicrous to me. Financial strain feeding a house guest - surely they didn't think she just wouldn't eat? Also curious what this special diet food is, where his mother is okay to eat everything else but not this. We talking milk, eggs and celery, here?
More options: OP buys food in the plain variety that others don't want to eat. Plain yogurt, plain cottage cheese, plain whole wheat bread. I even did a "carrot pudding" desert that no one else would touch whenever I made it. Not saying any of these are PCOS diet friendly, as I don't know what those foods are. Just an idea in theory
OP could also lick the foods in front of bf's mother before storing them in the fridge
That was great lol. The stuff I pick out for myself are organic fruits and veggies, whole grain foods, a lot of fish, turkey, chicken, lean meats, and everything is gluten and dairy free so it doesn't cause inflammation. So I haven't been able to buy those things because of the cost so I've been stuck eating worse than I want to now. But I'll definitely try licking my food in front of everyone lmao0 -
OhReally42 wrote: »
I stuck sticky notes on that shelve. I do meal prep Sunday so all of our M-F Lunch and Dinners go on that shelf. I think there was confusion about what was leftovers from the weekend that he is welcome to have and what was "diet food".
He used to complain that there is nothing for him to eat during the work week but I reminded him he pays no rent or utilities and I gave him a free car. I am happy to make him dinner Saturday and Sunday, but I can't afford feeding him all the time.
I've tried having my own drawer in the fridge but I think something like the notes would work once I get a locking mini fridge. Thank you.0 -
Could you try buying your gluten free, and other things, for your doctor-approved diet and then labeling it carefully (takes time, I know), and then buying the same things, but this time regular stuff for the rest of the family? For them you could still buy lean meats (on sale) and regular vegetables (non bio).1
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OhReally42 wrote: »I posted a piece of paper on the fridge and told her to write down things we need to pick up for food and other groceries and even though it's as simple as using the pen attached to the paper she refuses to do that too.
Maybe it's time for you to move and leave her there to fill the fridge herself. If she has more money than you that shouldn't be a problem. Do not give her a key to your next place. You need some clear boundaries.1
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