Marital bliss: What makes a good marriage?
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Cbestinme
Posts: 397 Member
Any happily married or partnered mfp folks, what makes it good or what makes it work?
As I'm losing weight, I'm losing baggage that came with weight gain, & gaining some confidence. My body changes are smaller bra cup & hips. Stomach fat is stubborn! Men I meet who would be interested in me don't seem to notice my weight (gain/loss).
Any advice to prepare for a good marriage?
As I'm losing weight, I'm losing baggage that came with weight gain, & gaining some confidence. My body changes are smaller bra cup & hips. Stomach fat is stubborn! Men I meet who would be interested in me don't seem to notice my weight (gain/loss).
Any advice to prepare for a good marriage?
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Replies
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Congratulations on the weight loss
Hmm. What makes a good marriage? I'd say the following (probably incomplete) list is a good start:
- communication
- mutual respect
- honesty
- kindness
- common goals and values11 -
Someone who sees you for who you are and loves you for it. My husband never really saw my weight, he saw me, and loved me for me. Now that I am losing weight, it's nearly irrelevant to him. He is proud of me doing something hard and being healthy, and he is supportive of me trying to be healthy, but his view of me hasn't changed at all.
Also, someone you can just be friends with. One of my favorite things to do with my husband is simply laugh; find someone who you just like hanging out with, and you feel like you could hang out with that person forever.4 -
I am not married but if I ever do then I would want loyalty,great sex, healthy communication, respect and harmony.1
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Being married for 14 years I have some experience. Agree with @jemhh. All of those are important. Marriage is 50/50 (or should be). In my relationship there are no stereotypical roles. We both cook, clean and care for the kids. We schedule our "me" time around each others activities.
We don't always agree on everything, but we have a mutual respect and understanding. I exercise, he doesn't. He does respect what I do and has encouraged me along the way. I see on here (unfortunately too frequently) people complaining their SO doesn't have the same healthy lifestyle their partner enjoys. While this is frustrating I have also learned nagging someone to death is equally frustrating and an exercise in futility.
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In my experience and observations, almost ALL marriage issues arise from one or both of just two problems.
Poor communication and selfishness.
That's it. When it all boils down, every single argument you could possibly have with your spouse derives from not effectively relaying your thoughts and feelings, and/or by consistently putting yourself first.
Cheating spouse: Selfishness. Putting cheap thrills and excitement before your marriage commitment.
Unequal distribution of household chores: Poor communication. Expectations are not properly conveyed.
Money arguing? usually a combination of both
Sex problems? Sometimes selfishness, but more often poor communication.
The good thing is, both of these things can be learned and strengthened, so as long as both parties are willing to work to strengthen these areas (if one is not willing, there ya go, SELFISHNESS) a marriage is going to work out fine.
I am a great communicator, and my husband is astonishingly selfless, so between the two of us we work through our snags effectively, and after 6 years of marriage, our partnership is a well-oiled machine and we almost NEVER fight.3 -
Each cares for the other first as if the other's interests are more important their own. If you both do this you are both the most important and loved person in your home. You will both always feel loved and happy, whatever life brings.
(In our fifties now we suspect that waning eye-sight probably helps us keep our treasured illusions about how the other looks across the dinner table ) 3 -
I want what I have with my good friends, plus a few extras. I'm not married, but my long-term relationship has these qualities.
With all good friends: laughter/humor, some shared interests, some similar beliefs or worldview, tolerance and respect, loyalty, ability to show appreciation for each other.
The extras are: similar desires for physical affection (not only sexual compatibility, but tolerance of my need to cuddle), support for each other's goals, travel compatibility, playfulness, acceptance of other important people in our lives (family, friends), willingness and desire to continuously improve our lives together.
We don't need to share every hobby, activity, or idea. It's nice to have common ground, and also separate things in life to share occasionally and teach the other about.
And, he needs to think I'm cute. 2 -
This is my second marriage, and I've found the thing that keeps us happiest (23 years now) is the fact that we really are great friends. We enjoy each other's company, even when we're not doing anything or talking, and even when things aren't ideal. Mutual respect goes a long way, too.5
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CaladriaNapea wrote: »Someone who sees you for who you are and loves you for it. My husband never really saw my weight, he saw me, and loved me for me. Now that I am losing weight, it's nearly irrelevant to him. He is proud of me doing something hard and being healthy, and he is supportive of me trying to be healthy, but his view of me hasn't changed at all.
Also, someone you can just be friends with. One of my favorite things to do with my husband is simply laugh; find someone who you just like hanging out with, and you feel like you could hang out with that person forever.
You're really lucky, congrats & thanks for sharing!0 -
I want what I have with my good friends, plus a few extras. I'm not married, but my long-term relationship has these qualities.
With all good friends: laughter/humor, some shared interests, some similar beliefs or worldview, tolerance and respect, loyalty, ability to show appreciation for each other.
The extras are: similar desires for physical affection (not only sexual compatibility, but tolerance of my need to cuddle), support for each other's goals, travel compatibility, playfulness, acceptance of other important people in our lives (family, friends), willingness and desire to continuously improve our lives together.
We don't need to share every hobby, activity, or idea. It's nice to have common ground, and also separate things in life to share occasionally and teach the other about.
And, he needs to think I'm cute.
Really nice, thanks!!0 -
JustMissTracy wrote: »This is my second marriage, and I've found the thing that keeps us happiest (23 years now) is the fact that we really are great friends. We enjoy each other's company, even when we're not doing anything or talking, and even when things aren't ideal. Mutual respect goes a long way, too.
Thanks! you're really lucky sounds like your best friend, this is important!0 -
goodasgoldilox wrote: »Each cares for the other first as if the other's interests are more important their own. If you both do this you are both the most important and loved person in your home. You will both always feel loved and happy, whatever life brings.
(In our fifties now we suspect that waning eye-sight probably helps us keep our treasured illusions about how the other looks across the dinner table )
Lol this is funny, thanks! sounds very loving, good for you0 -
Thanks everyone for responses and sharing your ideas and the positive lists and tips for marital bliss. I see common threads building from the first list above, shared values, and the importance of friendship, humor, and compatibility (each couple can define). Cuteness helps also
Thanks & bliss to all!!
edited typos!1 -
I've been married for 29 1/2 years. I married my best friend. We have always had fun and laugh together. He sometimes gets selfish and acts like a jerk, but so do I. The thing I have realized now is that the things that bother me really don't matter. I don't have to TELL him every time he's being selfish. Sometimes we will start arguing over the dumbest thing, and I will think to myself... What started this argument? Also, I don't always have to be RIGHT. The only person I can control is ME. So sometimes, I just go with the flow. He's good to me, he protects me, he loves me, and I do the same for him. Let's just get along, raise these kids, and wait for retirement!! LOL!!3
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There is a lot of good advice in this thread already so I will add some of what did not work for me. I practically always honored my wife's wishes partly due to my faith and because I thought it would make her happier. We seldom argued, never fought.
In the end (33 years later) I realized I had compromised so often I didn't even know who I was and she was bitter and miserable about things among her siblings etc anyway, regardless of what we had worked for. She wouldn't even listen to another side of a disagreement, she just wanted things her way.
So my advice is; if you want your marriage to be top priority in your life, you need to make it that. Above the kids, the jobs, the families or anything else that threatens to make you lose your focus. Best of luck to you.3 -
The willingness, desire and commitment to making it work. Both parties must want it or it's not sustainable once you head into the rocky turbulence that occasionally creeps in. Both must WANT to remain married and be willing to deal with the good, bad and ugly of it all. Just my opinion. Been with the same person 30 years - 23 of them married.1
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AllOutof_Bubblegum wrote: »I am a great communicator, and my husband is astonishingly selfless, so between the two of us we work through our snags effectively, and after 6 years of marriage, our partnership is a well-oiled machine and we almost NEVER fight.
Sounds like you have a fantastic partnership combining great communication with selfless love for each other, amazing! thanks!
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