Thanksgiving drama. Sigh.
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michael1976_ca wrote: »I can't stand my sister in law. I put up with her bs for six months in the past. My brother wants to come back and visit. We didn't have the nerve to tell him to come with out her. She is evil. So I understand you. I wouldn't want to spend time with someone I can't stand.
It's not that I can't stand them, more that we have nothing in common and our relationship is just really uncomfortable. I feel like they look down on me or something... never ask me about myself or anything.
Can you research their interests, start coming up with jokes, questions about them, conversation topics, maybe small games especially for / with the little ones, ways to work in stories about yourself so they'll get to know you a bit better whether or not they ask? If it's just uncomfortable, boring silence, I would think that could be solved. Buy / take some stuff with you there, if need be. You could always just leave it in the car, and only literally bring out the big guns if necessary
I've known them for 15 years. I don't think it's something that's really going to change. We're just very different people (and I'm also not someone who's really good at small talk.
Try, and work at it. The results may surprise you. If I may oversimplify a bit, your previous post came across like you're sitting around wondering why they're so poor at entertaining and communicating with you, whereas you could be the one actively doing all of the above rather than waiting for a good visit to fall in your lap.1 -
Got to vent a little...
My brother in law and his wife live about 1h away, but you have to drive through a big city (highway, but there's roadwork and traffic). I don't particularly get along with them well and they've made it clear in the past that they don't care about seeing me that much either.
Hubby wants to see them for Thanksgiving. I said fine, but just one day out of the week end. My sister in law's daughter has to spend Thanksgiving dinner with her father over there though so she can't travel for Thanksgiving (but if we spent it there, we could probably see her for a couple hours before she has to head over).
And my husband invited them here for Thanksgiving. And now he's telling them that we're probably not going to see our niece because I don't want to go there on Friday or Saturday, putting the blame on me.
Am I wrong to be annoyed? I honestly didn't even want to see them at all, agreed to see them on Thanksgiving, and now this. My kids really have no interest on seeing them twice either (plus they get bored there) and it's supposed to be THANKSGIVING and we'd much rather spend some time with our friends, the ones we're actually thankful for (or chilling at home or going shopping on Black Friday but definitely not have to drive through a big city on that week end).
I mean, we've had our problems lately and I'd honestly much rather spend Thanksgiving without him at this point, let alone two days with his family.
Sigh.
Anyone else dealing with that stuff? I don't even want to think about Christmas at this point
I would say to grin and bear it. You see your friends all the time, and you can do a dinner party for them at another time.
Your husband wants to see his brother. You are his wife, so you go with him. That simple.
I would take the opportunity as a method acting workshop. Or an experiment with mirroring. If you smile in their face, will they also?
Instead of getting upset that you have to see them, just be thankful it's at a dinner, a festive, not somber time.
Happy Thanksgiving?!
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No. I work on Thanksgiving. I specifically ask them to put me on the schedule.
Take an entry level, no experience required job at a business that's open on holidays. Then you'll always have an excuse to get out of things like this.
Yep! My boss told me he was going to try to get me off for Thanksgiving and I almost begged him to put me on the schedule
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Cutaway_Collar wrote: »Why did I get flagged?? That was solid advice. Happy wife happy life is the old rule. If husband is unhappy, the whole house can be murky
Thanksgiving is about sacrifice and putting the other person above you. Even if you dislike the person, you should be able to rise above it and break bread across the table. Take the moral high ground. What do you gain by refusing to see someone?
Even though I am grumpy about this upcoming thanksgiving dinner... I am going to enjoy myself and want to make sure my wife shows to her family that she has grown up to host thanksgiving all by herself and folks from her family are congregating here. I see it as a success story. Five years ago none of them imagined this would happen when she was a student and worked two to three jobs.
It was solid advice.0 -
My husband and I don't rat each other out like that...ever. You need to get that husband of yours under control!1
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Holidays can be stressful, both on those hosting and those visiting. However, it's family, a part of your husband's life, so I'd say grin and bear it.
What I'm confused about is the 1 hour drive. That doesn't seem very long at all. I know of others who travel 4 or more hours on the holidays to spend time with loved ones.
Just enjoy the time with family, as you never know when the last time will be.2 -
Thanksgiving?
Just watch too much football. When drama ensues, just start talking about third down conversions and the Tampa Two Defense.
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Cutaway_Collar wrote: »
I don't give a *kitten* because thanksgiving is not part of my tradition.... but Christmas is and my family won't be here because I know there will be drama. Frankly, I think all wives are like this. They are selfish women and I say this in a nice, non-miso way.... they just up their b mode ten notches when husband's family enters the picture. So I guess this is normal and I have resolved not to piss myself off about it.... I try to focus my enjoyment on my bespoke clothes and upcoming bonus. My mother has everything she needs in her own house and I siphon enough funds so she is not left out there unattended... so even though I am apeshit about not spending Christmas with my mother in the house... I know she is well.
OP, you do whatever you want but know that you are building a tree of grievances inside your husband which will last for a long time and will manifest in other ways.
I'm sorry...what?? All wives are like this? That's not a stupid, over-generalized statement at all, is it? I can assure you all wives are not like this. I am surrounded by my husband's family - all year, whereas mine are more than 1,000 miles away. And I make sure to make the effort to be welcome and pleasant. Partially because they are now my family too...and also because that's just what you do!
OP - I think your husband was wrong to place the blame on you (even if you did say it) because I think spouses should have each other's backs and cover in situations like this. But in that same vein, you and he are partners...and if seeing his family is important to him, you should try to make the effort. You don't have to go and be all hugs and kisses, but you should be there for him and try to be pleasant. It's two days out of the entire year. And it's the holidays. Try not to be miserable about it.5 -
tjones0411 wrote: »Cutaway_Collar wrote: »
I don't give a *kitten* because thanksgiving is not part of my tradition.... but Christmas is and my family won't be here because I know there will be drama. Frankly, I think all wives are like this. They are selfish women and I say this in a nice, non-miso way.... they just up their b mode ten notches when husband's family enters the picture. So I guess this is normal and I have resolved not to piss myself off about it.... I try to focus my enjoyment on my bespoke clothes and upcoming bonus. My mother has everything she needs in her own house and I siphon enough funds so she is not left out there unattended... so even though I am apeshit about not spending Christmas with my mother in the house... I know she is well.
OP, you do whatever you want but know that you are building a tree of grievances inside your husband which will last for a long time and will manifest in other ways.
I'm sorry...what?? All wives are like this? That's not a stupid, over-generalized statement at all, is it? I can assure you all wives are not like this. I am surrounded by my husband's family - all year, whereas mine are more than 1,000 miles away. And I make sure to make the effort to be welcome and pleasant...because that's just what you do.
OP - I think your husband was wrong to place the blame on you (even if you did say it) because I think spouses should have each other's backs and cover in situations like this. But in that same vein, you and he are partners...and if seeing his family is important to him, you should try to make the effort. You don't have to go and be all hugs and kisses, but you should be there for him and try to be pleasant. It's two days out of the entire year. And it's the holidays. Try not to be miserable about it.
Exactly.3 -
Got to vent a little...
My brother in law and his wife live about 1h away, but you have to drive through a big city (highway, but there's roadwork and traffic). I don't particularly get along with them well and they've made it clear in the past that they don't care about seeing me that much either.
Hubby wants to see them for Thanksgiving. I said fine, but just one day out of the week end. My sister in law's daughter has to spend Thanksgiving dinner with her father over there though so she can't travel for Thanksgiving (but if we spent it there, we could probably see her for a couple hours before she has to head over).
And my husband invited them here for Thanksgiving. And now he's telling them that we're probably not going to see our niece because I don't want to go there on Friday or Saturday, putting the blame on me.
Am I wrong to be annoyed? I honestly didn't even want to see them at all, agreed to see them on Thanksgiving, and now this. My kids really have no interest on seeing them twice either (plus they get bored there) and it's supposed to be THANKSGIVING and we'd much rather spend some time with our friends, the ones we're actually thankful for (or chilling at home or going shopping on Black Friday but definitely not have to drive through a big city on that week end).
I mean, we've had our problems lately and I'd honestly much rather spend Thanksgiving without him at this point, let alone two days with his family.
Sigh.
Anyone else dealing with that stuff? I don't even want to think about Christmas at this point
Yeah, I'd be annoyed.
So tell them all that you are happy to have Thanksgiving with them at your place on Friday or Saturday instead of them coming on Thursday. If your husband and his family refuse to switch days then I guess it isn't very important to them that niece is there.
One day is plenty to spend with in-laws who live just 1 hour away.
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tjones0411 wrote: »Cutaway_Collar wrote: »
I don't give a *kitten* because thanksgiving is not part of my tradition.... but Christmas is and my family won't be here because I know there will be drama. Frankly, I think all wives are like this. They are selfish women and I say this in a nice, non-miso way.... they just up their b mode ten notches when husband's family enters the picture. So I guess this is normal and I have resolved not to piss myself off about it.... I try to focus my enjoyment on my bespoke clothes and upcoming bonus. My mother has everything she needs in her own house and I siphon enough funds so she is not left out there unattended... so even though I am apeshit about not spending Christmas with my mother in the house... I know she is well.
OP, you do whatever you want but know that you are building a tree of grievances inside your husband which will last for a long time and will manifest in other ways.
I'm sorry...what?? All wives are like this? That's not a stupid, over-generalized statement at all, is it? I can assure you all wives are not like this. I am surrounded by my husband's family - all year, whereas mine are more than 1,000 miles away. And I make sure to make the effort to be welcome and pleasant. Partially because they are now my family too...and also because that's just what you do!
OP - I think your husband was wrong to place the blame on you (even if you did say it) because I think spouses should have each other's backs and cover in situations like this. But in that same vein, you and he are partners...and if seeing his family is important to him, you should try to make the effort. You don't have to go and be all hugs and kisses, but you should be there for him and try to be pleasant. It's two days out of the entire year. And it's the holidays. Try not to be miserable about it.
It's every Holiday, not just 2 days out of the year. Just not sure what's so wrong about not wanting to see them twice in one week end.
And yeah, I'm not happy with him putting the blame on me. But again, our relationship has sucked lately.0 -
tjones0411 wrote: »Cutaway_Collar wrote: »
I don't give a *kitten* because thanksgiving is not part of my tradition.... but Christmas is and my family won't be here because I know there will be drama. Frankly, I think all wives are like this. They are selfish women and I say this in a nice, non-miso way.... they just up their b mode ten notches when husband's family enters the picture. So I guess this is normal and I have resolved not to piss myself off about it.... I try to focus my enjoyment on my bespoke clothes and upcoming bonus. My mother has everything she needs in her own house and I siphon enough funds so she is not left out there unattended... so even though I am apeshit about not spending Christmas with my mother in the house... I know she is well.
OP, you do whatever you want but know that you are building a tree of grievances inside your husband which will last for a long time and will manifest in other ways.
I'm sorry...what?? All wives are like this? That's not a stupid, over-generalized statement at all, is it? I can assure you all wives are not like this. I am surrounded by my husband's family - all year, whereas mine are more than 1,000 miles away. And I make sure to make the effort to be welcome and pleasant. Partially because they are now my family too...and also because that's just what you do!
OP - I think your husband was wrong to place the blame on you (even if you did say it) because I think spouses should have each other's backs and cover in situations like this. But in that same vein, you and he are partners...and if seeing his family is important to him, you should try to make the effort. You don't have to go and be all hugs and kisses, but you should be there for him and try to be pleasant. It's two days out of the entire year. And it's the holidays. Try not to be miserable about it.
It's every Holiday, not just 2 days out of the year. Just not sure what's so wrong about not wanting to see them twice in one week end.
And yeah, I'm not happy with him putting the blame on me. But again, our relationship has sucked lately.
Are you talking to your husband about this at all? Seeing crappy family members sucks but if you value your marriage at all, suck it up. It isn't much time with them and it's clearly very important to him. I'd also make it clear to him that going forward there's no ratting each other out to anyone.2 -
^^^ that. i solely swear not to get engaged in idiotic discussions about that on Thanksgiving. My head explodes. And, truly the real national deficit involves an unwillingness or inability to think critically. That is all.0
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Cutaway_Collar wrote: »
I read an article in the NY times that this is going to be a cathartic thanksgiving season with the polarized elections and the state of the country.Cutaway_Collar wrote: »You can pretend like you want to go and his attitude towards your family will get golden.
I am hosting thanksgiving for my wife's family this week and there will be none from my family. Internally I am a little grumpy..... there's going to be randos sitting at my table like my FILs stepkids who my wife loathes but doesn't want to upset the stepmom, apart from my wife's immediate family....
I don't give a *kitten* because thanksgiving is not part of my tradition.... but Christmas is and my family won't be here because I know there will be drama. Frankly, I think all wives are like this. They are selfish women and I say this in a nice, non-miso way.... they just up their b mode ten notches when husband's family enters the picture. So I guess this is normal and I have resolved not to piss myself off about it.... I try to focus my enjoyment on my bespoke clothes and upcoming bonus. My mother has everything she needs in her own house and I siphon enough funds so she is not left out there unattended... so even though I am apeshit about not spending Christmas with my mother in the house... I know she is well.
OP, you do whatever you want but know that you are building a tree of grievances inside your husband which will last for a long time and will manifest in other ways.
I have been with my SO for 11 years. Do you want to know the last time I spent a holiday with MY family and not his? Twelve years ago.
No, not all wives are like this. I use almost all my vacation time around HIS schedule and needs. There are reasons for this, so I'm not complaining. Just pointing out that your statement is ridiculous.
And I'm about to spend and incredibly stressful Thanksgiving with his family because of the election. His brother has already come onto a friend of mine's post on FB (someone he didn't know) and told me to "get the F out of the country" if I don't like the new president. So, yeah, this is going to be a fun holiday. But I'm still going and spending three days biting my tongue.
Most of my family are democrats with a few secret Trump supporters and I know they voted Trump.
There was a bit of squabbling in a recent event in someone's house and I went on a rant that no matter who they support, they still have to pay their mortgage and get killed with their own credit card bills and that their candidate is not giving them a debt haircut. It kind of quietened the hall and the host thanked me later. I don't take sides. My wife voted and I did not and I will never vote even though I love my country
So if someone is going on a political rant, I am pretty immune to their stupidity and I have hidden everyone on FB. The only feed I get are cat pics, my wife's posts and updates from fashion houses and farm houses who raise cows and vegetables. I unhide from time to time and I tell myself why I am glad I hid them. Some of them get into these FB fights with random strangers that it seems like someone needs to call an ambulance because one of them is getting a seizure soon.
I ask... social media is to socialize... why send your blood pressure up so high? Unless you are George fricking Soros you have no control on the world around you. Even Soros is overrated. Give it up to God and be a good human being and the universe will auto-correct.
I refuse to talk about this on Thanksgiving. They got how much of our time over the last two years? No, you can't also dominate a holiday that is supposed to be pleasant.
When, not if, but when they bring it up, I'll just eat and find something funny to watch on my phone.0 -
well my post was in response to Cutaway Collar with the "^^^ that"- seems to change the flavor of my note if it reads to be responding to kinkyslinky16...just saying.0
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Cutaway_Collar wrote: »What is wrong with wives these days and why won't they put up with the fact that the husband's brother entered the life long before the wife did and brother-brother ties are important?
My wife dislikes my brother's wife. They cannot stand each other. Nobody has any idea how much it pains the two men. So the men need to suffer because the women don't like each other?
You are being unreasonable. Let your husband hang out with his brother Be nice!
As a woman, I want to thank you for the message you wrote below. I am always amazed that these women do not seem to understand that they will one day become an in-law and may be treated the same way. Children look at how adults interact with each other and this is a serious learning experience for them.
Regarding the mother-in-law, that someone's mother, the same way they loved theirs and would do everything for her, why not be the bigger person and do the same for their husband's mother. These women want it all their way, mother's day (the husband should spend it with is mother), he is not the wife's mother. He just needs to make sure that he engaged the children in doing something nice for their mother and spend the day with his own.
I never understand how men marry women and completely lose themselves into her family and displacing their own. Why should her family be more important than your own. The same goes for giving up friends because the wife do not like your friends - they were there before her and will be there when she is gone.
I would never give up my family (even though we have problems or my friends for my spouse) and I would not expect him to do the same. He treats his mother very well and I make sure that he does. I also make sure that his elderly uncle is well looked after when I travel to his home town.
I only wish more men would start thinking like you and have a back bone.
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Cutaway_Collar wrote: »I have had folks argue about nuclear physics to a guy who is doing a doctorate in nuclear physics and then calling him an arrogant elitist who is condescending when it looks like he is winning the argument... and it all starts with climate change arguments.... and everyone has a source. There is no reliable source anymore... everyone has an agenda, even the educated ones
Here's one: climate change is real. But instead of blaming people turning on air conditioners, how about discussing how many thousands of high energy bombs have been tested in the past sixty years? I'll tell you how much - they released so much carbon that scientists had to recalibrate carbon 14 dating to account for the drastic increase in carbon during those years.
It's not just cow farts, folks.1 -
My answer to how to deal with the problem at hand is.... Start having Thanksgiving at your own house and invite the family over... If they choose not to come over then it is not your problem anymore... I started doing this with Thanksgiving and Christmas... I now see less of my husbands family cause they don't want to take the time to come and see us... and really I don't care... they don't really like me... plus I didn't marry them I married my husband and he is just fine with they way we do things..1
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Get drunk then you might be able to tolerate them better. LOL3
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Honestly.... my mil hates me... but we drive 4 hours there every Holliday and then 4 hours back after dinner ( we have 2 kids under 4) I don't like it but I do love my husband. It comes to a point where you just let it go. I learned a lot from some 12 steps and learned that I cannot control other people but I do need boundaries. No offense but you really do need to let crap go. You seem to be having more issues than going to his families for the holidays. But my advice is: grow up and stop being selfish. I do a lot as a mom and wife I don't always want to do but at lest I have a healthy marriage and I have 2 happy and healthy kids and clothes and food etc... why is there a need to 1st post about the drama on a public forum but 2nd to even have this problem in the first place. Set boundaries, stick by them and then you gotta let go of what others do to you1
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