Thanksgiving drama. Sigh.
Got to vent a little...
My brother in law and his wife live about 1h away, but you have to drive through a big city (highway, but there's roadwork and traffic). I don't particularly get along with them well and they've made it clear in the past that they don't care about seeing me that much either.
Hubby wants to see them for Thanksgiving. I said fine, but just one day out of the week end. My sister in law's daughter has to spend Thanksgiving dinner with her father over there though so she can't travel for Thanksgiving (but if we spent it there, we could probably see her for a couple hours before she has to head over).
And my husband invited them here for Thanksgiving. And now he's telling them that we're probably not going to see our niece because I don't want to go there on Friday or Saturday, putting the blame on me.
Am I wrong to be annoyed? I honestly didn't even want to see them at all, agreed to see them on Thanksgiving, and now this. My kids really have no interest on seeing them twice either (plus they get bored there) and it's supposed to be THANKSGIVING and we'd much rather spend some time with our friends, the ones we're actually thankful for (or chilling at home or going shopping on Black Friday but definitely not have to drive through a big city on that week end).
I mean, we've had our problems lately and I'd honestly much rather spend Thanksgiving without him at this point, let alone two days with his family.
Sigh.
Anyone else dealing with that stuff? I don't even want to think about Christmas at this point
My brother in law and his wife live about 1h away, but you have to drive through a big city (highway, but there's roadwork and traffic). I don't particularly get along with them well and they've made it clear in the past that they don't care about seeing me that much either.
Hubby wants to see them for Thanksgiving. I said fine, but just one day out of the week end. My sister in law's daughter has to spend Thanksgiving dinner with her father over there though so she can't travel for Thanksgiving (but if we spent it there, we could probably see her for a couple hours before she has to head over).
And my husband invited them here for Thanksgiving. And now he's telling them that we're probably not going to see our niece because I don't want to go there on Friday or Saturday, putting the blame on me.
Am I wrong to be annoyed? I honestly didn't even want to see them at all, agreed to see them on Thanksgiving, and now this. My kids really have no interest on seeing them twice either (plus they get bored there) and it's supposed to be THANKSGIVING and we'd much rather spend some time with our friends, the ones we're actually thankful for (or chilling at home or going shopping on Black Friday but definitely not have to drive through a big city on that week end).
I mean, we've had our problems lately and I'd honestly much rather spend Thanksgiving without him at this point, let alone two days with his family.
Sigh.
Anyone else dealing with that stuff? I don't even want to think about Christmas at this point
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Being annoyed doesn't really have to be right or wrong. I have family coming over that I'd rather not see at all, and have been successfully avoiding for over a year.
Decision time: One day, couple of hours, I can be the bigger person and a gracious host/ or guest if I'm visiting.
Unpleasant? Sure, but very temporary. I'll live.
PS: I hate Drama lol3 -
I get the impression that the annoying family member lives in her home year round
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Cutaway_Collar wrote: »What is wrong with wives these days and why won't they put up with the fact that the husband's brother entered the life long before the wife did and brother-brother ties are important?
My wife dislikes my brother's wife. They cannot stand each other. Nobody has any idea how much it pains the two men. So the men need to suffer because the women don't like each other?
You are being unreasonable. Let your husband hang out with his brother Be nice!
I'm not telling him not to go. Just that I don't want to.No. I work on Thanksgiving. I specifically ask them to put me on the schedule.
Take an entry level, no experience required job at a business that's open on holidays. Then you'll always have an excuse to get out of things like this.
Haha I've thought about it, but I can't get a job for the life of me, and I would never make enough money to cover aftercare or daycare costs.Being annoyed doesn't really have to be right or wrong. I have family coming over that I'd rather not see at all, and have been successfully avoiding for over a year.
Decision time: One day, couple of hours, I can be the bigger person and a gracious host/ or guest if I'm visiting.
Unpleasant? Sure, but very temporary. I'll live.
PS: I hate Drama lol
Yeah, that's why I said ok for seeing them one day. But two is just overkill...0 -
Its the holidays.. there will always be some sort of family drama as I can't imagine a holiday with out drama.
Play nice, it will be over just as soon as it started.
The part time job mentioned by @newmeadow is always an option.1 -
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^^ haha
OP sorry to hear, but more so about how you'd rather spend it without him much less his family. I don't have any other solid advice to offer apart from what already had been,..just wanted to say I hope you get to enjoy Thanksgiving either way with your kiddos!0 -
littlemissbgiff wrote: »Cutaway_Collar wrote: »You can pretend like you want to go and his attitude towards your family will get golden.
I am hosting thanksgiving for my wife's family this week and there will be none from my family. Internally I am a little grumpy..... there's going to be randos sitting at my table like my FILs stepkids who my wife loathes but doesn't want to upset the stepmom, apart from my wife's immediate family....
I don't give a *kitten* because thanksgiving is not part of my tradition.... but Christmas is and my family won't be here because I know there will be drama. Frankly, I think all wives are like this. They are selfish women and I say this in a nice, non-miso way.... they just up their b mode ten notches when husband's family enters the picture. So I guess this is normal and I have resolved not to piss myself off about it.... I try to focus my enjoyment on my bespoke clothes and upcoming bonus. My mother has everything she needs in her own house and I siphon enough funds so she is not left out there unattended... so even though I am apeshit about not spending Christmas with my mother in the house... I know she is well.
OP, you do whatever you want but know that you are building a tree of grievances inside your husband which will last for a long time and will manifest in other ways.
I think this is really insightful. It makes me very happy to be so many miles away from both my family and hubbys. We've never had to face these annoyances. I see this issue on both sides and there is no making everyone happy. Thankful I can avoid this one.
I am glad my family isn't here too!
The grievances are already here though. They're the ones who planned things without me last time and now I'm the bad guy because I don't want to go. When we go there my husband just ends up napping on the couch and I'm left alone with them too. I would still have gone for Thanksgiving though.. but HE's the one who invited them over instead.0 -
I can't stand my sister in law. I put up with her bs for six months in the past. My brother wants to come back and visit. We didn't have the nerve to tell him to come with out her. She is evil. So I understand you. I wouldn't want to spend time with someone I can't stand.1
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michael1976_ca wrote: »I can't stand my sister in law. I put up with her bs for six months in the past. My brother wants to come back and visit. We didn't have the nerve to tell him to come with out her. She is evil. So I understand you. I wouldn't want to spend time with someone I can't stand.
It's not that I can't stand them, more that we have nothing in common and our relationship is just really uncomfortable. I feel like they look down on me or something... never ask me about myself or anything.0 -
Cutaway_Collar wrote: »You can pretend like you want to go and his attitude towards your family will get golden.
I am hosting thanksgiving for my wife's family this week and there will be none from my family. Internally I am a little grumpy..... there's going to be randos sitting at my table like my FILs stepkids who my wife loathes but doesn't want to upset the stepmom, apart from my wife's immediate family....
I don't give a *kitten* because thanksgiving is not part of my tradition.... but Christmas is and my family won't be here because I know there will be drama. Frankly, I think all wives are like this. They are selfish women and I say this in a nice, non-miso way.... they just up their b mode ten notches when husband's family enters the picture. So I guess this is normal and I have resolved not to piss myself off about it.... I try to focus my enjoyment on my bespoke clothes and upcoming bonus. My mother has everything she needs in her own house and I siphon enough funds so she is not left out there unattended... so even though I am apeshit about not spending Christmas with my mother in the house... I know she is well.
OP, you do whatever you want but know that you are building a tree of grievances inside your husband which will last for a long time and will manifest in other ways.
I have been with my SO for 11 years. Do you want to know the last time I spent a holiday with MY family and not his? Twelve years ago.
No, not all wives are like this. I use almost all my vacation time around HIS schedule and needs. There are reasons for this, so I'm not complaining. Just pointing out that your statement is ridiculous.
And I'm about to spend and incredibly stressful Thanksgiving with his family because of the election. His brother has already come onto a friend of mine's post on FB (someone he didn't know) and told me to "get the F out of the country" if I don't like the new president. So, yeah, this is going to be a fun holiday. But I'm still going and spending three days biting my tongue.3 -
Cutaway_Collar wrote: »You can pretend like you want to go and his attitude towards your family will get golden.
I am hosting thanksgiving for my wife's family this week and there will be none from my family. Internally I am a little grumpy..... there's going to be randos sitting at my table like my FILs stepkids who my wife loathes but doesn't want to upset the stepmom, apart from my wife's immediate family....
I don't give a *kitten* because thanksgiving is not part of my tradition.... but Christmas is and my family won't be here because I know there will be drama. Frankly, I think all wives are like this. They are selfish women and I say this in a nice, non-miso way.... they just up their b mode ten notches when husband's family enters the picture. So I guess this is normal and I have resolved not to piss myself off about it.... I try to focus my enjoyment on my bespoke clothes and upcoming bonus. My mother has everything she needs in her own house and I siphon enough funds so she is not left out there unattended... so even though I am apeshit about not spending Christmas with my mother in the house... I know she is well.
OP, you do whatever you want but know that you are building a tree of grievances inside your husband which will last for a long time and will manifest in other ways.
I have been with my SO for 11 years. Do you want to know the last time I spent a holiday with MY family and not his? Twelve years ago.
No, not all wives are like this. I use almost all my vacation time around HIS schedule and needs. There are reasons for this, so I'm not complaining. Just pointing out that your statement is ridiculous.
And I'm about to spend and incredibly stressful Thanksgiving with his family because of the election. His brother has already come onto a friend of mine's post on FB (someone he didn't know) and told me to "get the F out of the country" if I don't like the new president. So, yeah, this is going to be a fun holiday. But I'm still going and spending three days biting my tongue.
Yikes. Good luck.1 -
Life is too short to spend with ppl you don't care for and they won't appreciate it anyway.3
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michael1976_ca wrote: »I can't stand my sister in law. I put up with her bs for six months in the past. My brother wants to come back and visit. We didn't have the nerve to tell him to come with out her. She is evil. So I understand you. I wouldn't want to spend time with someone I can't stand.
It's not that I can't stand them, more that we have nothing in common and our relationship is just really uncomfortable. I feel like they look down on me or something... never ask me about myself or anything.
Maybe look at it from another angle...
Not having something in common does not mean anything. That does not mean they are looking down at you or something as you described
I could always assume someone is looking down at me and perhaps they may think I am doing the same to them. Never react based on what you feel or based off your own emotions.
Perhaps if you really want to see if there are issues, strike up a basic conversation and see if you are out right "dissed" or not.
I can tell you from experience, I put my hand out to my father in law once and was completely dissed with a back and shoulder turn in front of the whole family... that was outright being dissed.. it was understood my feelings from this point forward..(he never like anyone anyways).
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glad I dont have these issues,sorry OP you have to go through this. I have a brother in law but he has nothing to do with family as he thinks hes too good for the rest of us,so we dont associate with him. my mil and step fil are both deceased and hubbys real dad left when he was 2. as for my dad hes deceased and I dont get along with my mom so . cutaway_collar,thanksgiving is time to be thankful for what you have,it doesnt mean to put others needs and wants before your own. There comes a time when you have to think about yourself and do whats good for your own piece of mind.its not being selfish either.sometimes in families we have to cut ties with those who truly dont value us or cant stand us/them. Im sorry but I would not invite some of my sisters just because its thanksgiving(they also think they are better than everyone else and like to start problems where none exist).sure family is supposed to come first,but when it compromises you and your sanity its best to avoid the drama.
OP,if your hubby wants to go let him go(I know you already said he could),but he needs to stop blaming you to others, try and see your niece if possible, but if for some reason you cant,it should just be something out of your control,not your fault if you cant. your hubby needs to compromise,just as you did by saying one day for him to spend with family.He also needs to know how you feel about the rest of the family and how they feel about you and you can deal with being uncomfortable for one day but 2 days puts you out of your comfort zone and you dont want to deal with the drama. I know they are his family but sometimes we have to prove our points and they dont always see what we do.He needs to worry about your feelings too not just theirs. since you made a compromise with your hubby he needs to do the same for you.1 -
Holidays without drama may be like life without laughter. Maybe try to stay away from whatever topics or issues that nurture division. There has to be some common ground. Good luck though.1
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My wife's family does crap like that. Usually there's about 30% of them butt hurt about something during the holidays and boycotting each other. For years we avoided her side of the family during holidays because of it, we just wanted no part of it. Recently my wife's cousin has been doing a great job of getting people together so we go, but there are usually a handful that won't show up because of <insert drama here>. Whatever, food is good. My extended family tends to be somewhat disjointed because of distance issues on the holidays, so some years we get together, some we don't, but no matter what my immediate family (wife, kids, grand kids) always get together despite whatever else is going on. It sometimes results in 2-3 thanksgiving dinners but hey, it's all good.0
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michael1976_ca wrote: »I can't stand my sister in law. I put up with her bs for six months in the past. My brother wants to come back and visit. We didn't have the nerve to tell him to come with out her. She is evil. So I understand you. I wouldn't want to spend time with someone I can't stand.
It's not that I can't stand them, more that we have nothing in common and our relationship is just really uncomfortable. I feel like they look down on me or something... never ask me about myself or anything.
Can you research their interests, start coming up with jokes, questions about them, conversation topics, maybe small games especially for / with the little ones, ways to work in stories about yourself so they'll get to know you a bit better whether or not they ask? If it's just uncomfortable, boring silence, I would think that could be solved. Buy / take some stuff with you there, if need be. You could always just leave it in the car, and only literally bring out the big guns if necessary1 -
michael1976_ca wrote: »I can't stand my sister in law. I put up with her bs for six months in the past. My brother wants to come back and visit. We didn't have the nerve to tell him to come with out her. She is evil. So I understand you. I wouldn't want to spend time with someone I can't stand.
It's not that I can't stand them, more that we have nothing in common and our relationship is just really uncomfortable. I feel like they look down on me or something... never ask me about myself or anything.
Can you research their interests, start coming up with jokes, questions about them, conversation topics, maybe small games especially for / with the little ones, ways to work in stories about yourself so they'll get to know you a bit better whether or not they ask? If it's just uncomfortable, boring silence, I would think that could be solved. Buy / take some stuff with you there, if need be. You could always just leave it in the car, and only literally bring out the big guns if necessary
I've known them for 15 years. I don't think it's something that's really going to change. We're just very different people (and I'm also not someone who's really good at small talk.n1terunner wrote: »
Well that was my initial idea but it didn't go well, so spending Thanksgiving with them was my compromise. But now apparently it's not enough.0 -
michael1976_ca wrote: »I can't stand my sister in law. I put up with her bs for six months in the past. My brother wants to come back and visit. We didn't have the nerve to tell him to come with out her. She is evil. So I understand you. I wouldn't want to spend time with someone I can't stand.
It's not that I can't stand them, more that we have nothing in common and our relationship is just really uncomfortable. I feel like they look down on me or something... never ask me about myself or anything.
Can you research their interests, start coming up with jokes, questions about them, conversation topics, maybe small games especially for / with the little ones, ways to work in stories about yourself so they'll get to know you a bit better whether or not they ask? If it's just uncomfortable, boring silence, I would think that could be solved. Buy / take some stuff with you there, if need be. You could always just leave it in the car, and only literally bring out the big guns if necessary
I've known them for 15 years. I don't think it's something that's really going to change. We're just very different people (and I'm also not someone who's really good at small talk.
Try, and work at it. The results may surprise you. If I may oversimplify a bit, your previous post came across like you're sitting around wondering why they're so poor at entertaining and communicating with you, whereas you could be the one actively doing all of the above rather than waiting for a good visit to fall in your lap.1 -
Got to vent a little...
My brother in law and his wife live about 1h away, but you have to drive through a big city (highway, but there's roadwork and traffic). I don't particularly get along with them well and they've made it clear in the past that they don't care about seeing me that much either.
Hubby wants to see them for Thanksgiving. I said fine, but just one day out of the week end. My sister in law's daughter has to spend Thanksgiving dinner with her father over there though so she can't travel for Thanksgiving (but if we spent it there, we could probably see her for a couple hours before she has to head over).
And my husband invited them here for Thanksgiving. And now he's telling them that we're probably not going to see our niece because I don't want to go there on Friday or Saturday, putting the blame on me.
Am I wrong to be annoyed? I honestly didn't even want to see them at all, agreed to see them on Thanksgiving, and now this. My kids really have no interest on seeing them twice either (plus they get bored there) and it's supposed to be THANKSGIVING and we'd much rather spend some time with our friends, the ones we're actually thankful for (or chilling at home or going shopping on Black Friday but definitely not have to drive through a big city on that week end).
I mean, we've had our problems lately and I'd honestly much rather spend Thanksgiving without him at this point, let alone two days with his family.
Sigh.
Anyone else dealing with that stuff? I don't even want to think about Christmas at this point
I would say to grin and bear it. You see your friends all the time, and you can do a dinner party for them at another time.
Your husband wants to see his brother. You are his wife, so you go with him. That simple.
I would take the opportunity as a method acting workshop. Or an experiment with mirroring. If you smile in their face, will they also?
Instead of getting upset that you have to see them, just be thankful it's at a dinner, a festive, not somber time.
Happy Thanksgiving?!
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No. I work on Thanksgiving. I specifically ask them to put me on the schedule.
Take an entry level, no experience required job at a business that's open on holidays. Then you'll always have an excuse to get out of things like this.
Yep! My boss told me he was going to try to get me off for Thanksgiving and I almost begged him to put me on the schedule 0 -
Cutaway_Collar wrote: »Why did I get flagged?? That was solid advice. Happy wife happy life is the old rule. If husband is unhappy, the whole house can be murky
Thanksgiving is about sacrifice and putting the other person above you. Even if you dislike the person, you should be able to rise above it and break bread across the table. Take the moral high ground. What do you gain by refusing to see someone?
Even though I am grumpy about this upcoming thanksgiving dinner... I am going to enjoy myself and want to make sure my wife shows to her family that she has grown up to host thanksgiving all by herself and folks from her family are congregating here. I see it as a success story. Five years ago none of them imagined this would happen when she was a student and worked two to three jobs.
It was solid advice.0 -
My husband and I don't rat each other out like that...ever. You need to get that husband of yours under control!1
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Holidays can be stressful, both on those hosting and those visiting. However, it's family, a part of your husband's life, so I'd say grin and bear it.
What I'm confused about is the 1 hour drive. That doesn't seem very long at all. I know of others who travel 4 or more hours on the holidays to spend time with loved ones.
Just enjoy the time with family, as you never know when the last time will be.2 -
Thanksgiving?
Just watch too much football. When drama ensues, just start talking about third down conversions and the Tampa Two Defense.
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Cutaway_Collar wrote: »
I don't give a *kitten* because thanksgiving is not part of my tradition.... but Christmas is and my family won't be here because I know there will be drama. Frankly, I think all wives are like this. They are selfish women and I say this in a nice, non-miso way.... they just up their b mode ten notches when husband's family enters the picture. So I guess this is normal and I have resolved not to piss myself off about it.... I try to focus my enjoyment on my bespoke clothes and upcoming bonus. My mother has everything she needs in her own house and I siphon enough funds so she is not left out there unattended... so even though I am apeshit about not spending Christmas with my mother in the house... I know she is well.
OP, you do whatever you want but know that you are building a tree of grievances inside your husband which will last for a long time and will manifest in other ways.
I'm sorry...what?? All wives are like this? That's not a stupid, over-generalized statement at all, is it? I can assure you all wives are not like this. I am surrounded by my husband's family - all year, whereas mine are more than 1,000 miles away. And I make sure to make the effort to be welcome and pleasant. Partially because they are now my family too...and also because that's just what you do!
OP - I think your husband was wrong to place the blame on you (even if you did say it) because I think spouses should have each other's backs and cover in situations like this. But in that same vein, you and he are partners...and if seeing his family is important to him, you should try to make the effort. You don't have to go and be all hugs and kisses, but you should be there for him and try to be pleasant. It's two days out of the entire year. And it's the holidays. Try not to be miserable about it.5 -
tjones0411 wrote: »Cutaway_Collar wrote: »
I don't give a *kitten* because thanksgiving is not part of my tradition.... but Christmas is and my family won't be here because I know there will be drama. Frankly, I think all wives are like this. They are selfish women and I say this in a nice, non-miso way.... they just up their b mode ten notches when husband's family enters the picture. So I guess this is normal and I have resolved not to piss myself off about it.... I try to focus my enjoyment on my bespoke clothes and upcoming bonus. My mother has everything she needs in her own house and I siphon enough funds so she is not left out there unattended... so even though I am apeshit about not spending Christmas with my mother in the house... I know she is well.
OP, you do whatever you want but know that you are building a tree of grievances inside your husband which will last for a long time and will manifest in other ways.
I'm sorry...what?? All wives are like this? That's not a stupid, over-generalized statement at all, is it? I can assure you all wives are not like this. I am surrounded by my husband's family - all year, whereas mine are more than 1,000 miles away. And I make sure to make the effort to be welcome and pleasant...because that's just what you do.
OP - I think your husband was wrong to place the blame on you (even if you did say it) because I think spouses should have each other's backs and cover in situations like this. But in that same vein, you and he are partners...and if seeing his family is important to him, you should try to make the effort. You don't have to go and be all hugs and kisses, but you should be there for him and try to be pleasant. It's two days out of the entire year. And it's the holidays. Try not to be miserable about it.
Exactly.3 -
Got to vent a little...
My brother in law and his wife live about 1h away, but you have to drive through a big city (highway, but there's roadwork and traffic). I don't particularly get along with them well and they've made it clear in the past that they don't care about seeing me that much either.
Hubby wants to see them for Thanksgiving. I said fine, but just one day out of the week end. My sister in law's daughter has to spend Thanksgiving dinner with her father over there though so she can't travel for Thanksgiving (but if we spent it there, we could probably see her for a couple hours before she has to head over).
And my husband invited them here for Thanksgiving. And now he's telling them that we're probably not going to see our niece because I don't want to go there on Friday or Saturday, putting the blame on me.
Am I wrong to be annoyed? I honestly didn't even want to see them at all, agreed to see them on Thanksgiving, and now this. My kids really have no interest on seeing them twice either (plus they get bored there) and it's supposed to be THANKSGIVING and we'd much rather spend some time with our friends, the ones we're actually thankful for (or chilling at home or going shopping on Black Friday but definitely not have to drive through a big city on that week end).
I mean, we've had our problems lately and I'd honestly much rather spend Thanksgiving without him at this point, let alone two days with his family.
Sigh.
Anyone else dealing with that stuff? I don't even want to think about Christmas at this point
Yeah, I'd be annoyed.
So tell them all that you are happy to have Thanksgiving with them at your place on Friday or Saturday instead of them coming on Thursday. If your husband and his family refuse to switch days then I guess it isn't very important to them that niece is there.
One day is plenty to spend with in-laws who live just 1 hour away.
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