One Year Logaversary Reflection. 95lbs and counting!

Today is my 365th day logging in a row, so I decided to do a post about how much one can change in a year. Warning: it's a very long read, and it is pretty candid, but I'm hoping it might help someone struggling, or connect with someone who can relate, or just inspire someone to stick with it. Feel free to add me, but since my friends list can get large, I remove friends who are inactive for more than 3 weeks

I can't really pinpoint when the catalyst for change happened, but gladly it did and this has honestly been one of the most life changing years I have ever experienced. If I had to try to find the catalyst, I would say it was me promising myself I would give this whole "weight loss thing" an honest chance AGAIN for 6 weeks, which I did, and I have done a few times. I have been on mfp for 6 years now, with small successes of 20 or 30 lbs and of course always gaining them back AND then some, but something really stuck this time and I couldn't be more amazed! Instead of looking at the big picture, I literally took it day by day. Instead of being so concerned with being perfect and giving up the moment I failed, I would just brush it off and start back at it. I have lost around 70lbs in a year, almost 100 total, and I have not only physically changed, but mentally changed in ways I could have never imagined.

When you start to lose weight, you think it's all about food and exercise, but it is so, so much more than that. You don't get to be almost 300 lbs without an underlying reason. I didn't even realize I was a food addict, or even how depressed I had been most of my life because I am a happy and positive person by nature. I just thought I liked to eat...A LOT. Then when I started dieting for more than a month, I noticed I had a lot of triggers: gosh, I had a bad day, I really want  to get a large milkshake to feel better; I had a really good day, I wish I could  celebrate with chili cheese fries; I'm so stressed out, I just want to get a large pizza, stuff myself silly and go to sleep. And I LOVED to sleep, almost hibernating-like, taking 3 hour naps everyday even. I realized I wanted  food  anytime I felt something, even if it was happy, or just to sleep the feelings away (don't get me wrong, mama still loves her 8 hours at night and a "little" nappy-poo during the day, it's best for beauty!).  When you can't numb feelings with food (or whatever addiction you may have) you have to learn to hit them head on, and then you realize it IS ok the have feelings, and even though it may feel like they will kill you, feelings WON'T kill you. When you allow yourself to work through the feelings, you end up coming out stronger in the end and you learn a lot about yourself. Like I said,  I didn't even realize I was so depressed, since I wasn't sad, but then I stopped numbing with food and realized I had a LOT of issues I was supressing and decided to use this experience just work on myself, physically AND mentally.

I have went from watching hours upon hours of tv, to not even having cable because tv is not important to me anymore, when it used to be my life.I almost just lived vicariously through these characters, since I had no life. The only life I had outside of working and TV was partying, and I was THE party girl! Having a hangover was such a normal feeling for me, since I went out at least 3 nights a week for YEARS, because I'm extremely social and love to have a lot of fun, and that was the only way I thought I could have fun. Granted, I'm somewhat glad I got to go have that fun, and oddly I met some of my best friends from parties, but when I would go out I would drink endless amounts of calories, then go through the drive thru and get at LEAST 1000 calories worth of food to "soak up the alcohol". I also picked up a lovely DUI that financially drained me a few years back, but was a much needed wake up call. Now when I go out, I usually don't even drink at all, and offer myself as the designated driver, because I love to go out and dance and be around my friends. Sometimes I'll have a drink or two, but NOTHING compared to what it used to be.

I have went from being out of breath walking up stairs, not being able to walk through those turny metal things at the fair or amusement park without sucking in and squeezing sideways, seatbelts were barely clicking, even toilets were starting to creak when i sat down, to being able to actually jog on a treadmill, lift weights some men can't even lift, and workout 2 hours a day almost everyday. I went from eating whatever the hell I wanted , to actually caring about nutrition and wanting to fuel my body to better perform at the gym.  I went from searching for validation from mens affection to being celibate and validating my own self with my hard work and accomplishments. I thought I was just a free spirit and liked to have sex, and of course I do, but now when I look back I see sometimes I just wanted to feel like someone was attracted to me, and wanted me, even if it was just for sex, as sad as that sounds. I wasn't a sleezy beezy TOO much, but I definitely didn't care if men respected me, and now I'm celibate and am waiting for a man who respects and cherishes me, and wants a relationship with me because I realize im WORTH it.

I honestly never even could imagine that I could shop in the "normal" section at the store, or that there would be a day I couldn't be identified as a "fat person". It still is a mind game, because when I meet new people, they see me as a normal size, and I still consider myself fat, becauae I have been all of my life. I even had a stranger say something along the lines of me being thin, which I NEVER thought would happen in my lifetime.

I have also had some of the most traumatic events of my life happen this year, from my brother having a mental breakdown caused mainly by my mom back in late August,  then the death of my mom( Dec 16th) just 4 months after the whole escapade that led to his breakdown, having to break the news to him while he was in a treatment facility, and then planning a funeral by myself for a person I really didn't even know and dealing with all the paperwork, stress, guilt and emotions, and just getting a huge reality check of just all the work that goes into losing a loved one that I never even gave thought to before. I am currently financially drained from all the gas and time off work I have had to take driving to down to LA for my brother to be by his side, then now going to Fresno to deal with the business side of death, and my mom didn't have life insurance or anything, so had to raise money to get her cremated, since I paid for the memorial myself(besides food, I have my aunt to thank for that!) I have dipped into my rent and car fund a few times, knowing somehow it would all end up working out in the end, which it did. My brother got the help he needed, and is putting back the pieces of his life together and is doing well, we got the money for the cremation, and the family members that I care about the most are closer than ever. Our family is so messed up and broken, and in these past few months we have turned it around and now have an open line of communication, when before we would talk maybe once every year to 3 years. All of these events have brought a RUSH of memories and feelings back that I completley blocked out, which has sent me on an emotional rollercoaster, which is difficult to deal with when I don't have my best friend "food" to help comfort me, but I found a lot of comfort knowing I stepped up to the plate and proved myself as an adult (im the baby of the family), as a sister since now my brother knows he has someone in his corner, and as a daughter because I respected my mom in her death and I even spoke at her funeral on Saturday. I was just comforted seeing all the wonderful people I have in my life who have helped support me emotionally this year from encouraging me to stick with weight loss when i felt like giving up, and now helping me deal with these issues, and even financially helping out by donating for my mom's cremation. I had to learn to get over my pride and except help from others, which was one of the harder lessons for me.

But back to the positives: I have tried new things and tried to conquer some fears, from jumping off a 20-30ft cliff even though I can't even climb a ladder without getting an anxiety attack, to even just trying to workouts I thought I never could do, like jogging on a treadmill or the Jacob's ladder. It sounds strange, but I realized I have lived my life in such fear, because I didn't want to end up like my family who have gone down bad paths or struggle mentally or to have a breakdown, so I stayed in my little bubble, just eating and watching tv and letting the world pass me by, all because of fear. I realize I was even afraid to lose weight, even though I had wanted to SO BADLY for all of my life, just because I was so afraid of what would happen after losing weight, if I would be different and people wouldn't like me anymore because I had changed, basically just afraid of the future. Now with all these events that have gone on, I realize I can handle way more than I ever thought I could, and still function, and it has helped me want to step out of my comfort zone in more ways than fitness.

I still have about 20-35 more lbs I want to lose, and I'll get there, but I'm mostly excited to see how much more I will be changing in non-physical ways in the future. For the first time in my life, I'm not afraid of the future anymore, I'm not afraid to live a life worth living, and I'm comforted knowing I can keep my sense of "normalcy" in some of the most stressful situations possible.

I also have changed what I wanted to do in the future. I did hair for 6 years, right now I'm a server, but I always thought I would just do hair forever, but now along with that, I want to go to college and study kinesiology and nutrition, so I can be a personal trainer, mainly for morbidly obese people. I want to come at a realistic angle, knowing people are still going to eat fast food, still might binge, but showing them ways to work past that, and how to utilize my fitness pal for them to get results they want and be part of their support system. I want to use my experience to inspire others, because there are a lot of people out there who want to change, but just honestly don't know how, maybe they don't believe they can (I know I never did, even seeing before and afters on mfp ALL THE TIME), or are just afraid to start.

I'm far from perfect, I still binge, I still eat crap way more than I should, but I have found a sense of pride in myself from learning just how strong I really am, TRULY loving myself and I wish everyone could feel this way. If you are like me, and have been on mfp multiple times and still haven't found much success, please just don't give up. Who knows, maybe it will be your turn next to write a one year logiversary reflection post and share with everyone just how much you've changed!
Age: 29
Height: 5'3
Starting: 265
Heaviest:278
Jan 1st 2016: 250
Current:183
I would post before and afters, but I'm on the mobile app