Overweight son

tmn2016 wrote: »

is it bad to at least get him on the scale?

Kind of. I mean. I'm only speaking from my point of view, and how I would feel if my mom asked me to do this. But it would feel like you were trying to control me. You know this better than I do, but teenagers, especially boys, don't want to be controlled. I would wait until the conversation came up naturally (don't try to force it), and if it does, then say something like, "I'll bet I weigh more than you do!" Keep it light, and make a game out of it. Bet him 20 bucks even though you know you'll lose, and when he wins, give him the 20 bucks and say, "man, you are heavier than I thought." That way, you are kind of being critical, but in a playful way. But, it may get him thinking.

I'm going to be blunt. Getting him on the scale and lecturing him will not accomplish your goals. Talking to his coaches may embarrass him which will cause rebellion. Instead of worrying so much back off. Make healthy meals at home and just do the best you can with what you have. If he talks about it be open but don't start the discussion about how overweight you feel he is. Just discuss good food options.

Honestly at some point he will realize what is going on. Pushing him to lose weight is not the way to go here. You know he eats junk food so cut back on the food a bit but keep in mind that he's still growing and as such trying to force him to lose weight is a bad idea. I get that you are worried about him but right now mom lecturing is not going to do any good and may cause a negative reaction. Instead find things you can do together that will get him burning more calories without him realizing it if you can. Encourage him to find external activities.

Heck if it's snowing suggest a side job of clearing driveways. Does he earn an allowance? If so switch it to something more physically demanding, like cutting firewood if you have a fireplace (or even just bringing it in.) Find real activities that have real benefits (IE money to spend etc) that will encourage him to not only work but also burn calories.

Getting him involved in a sports camp would help too but right now it sounds slightly like something else may be going on in the background. If he's always been super athletic and is now gaining weight something may be going on at school causing him to care less, or maybe he's gotten bored.

For his height and activity level 220 isn't horrible. Support him and try to encourage him to find activities he likes doing. Does he have a car? If not find an old beater that he can rebuild and get him working on the car. As he earns money he can put money into fixing it up to be "his."

Addendum to point 1: Start getting his input on dinner. Suggest he start helping cook if he doesn't already do so. Explain what a balanced diet is and let him have some leeway in what is made. If there is something he loves that you make possibly suggest him cooking it. At a bare minimum find out what he'd like to eat.

I'd approach it this way...by asking the younger coach (who OP thought might be more supportive) to advise your son on how to increase his speed on the court ie "would practicing sprints help?"...ask what you all could do outside of practice to improve performance. The fitness advice from a coach might be better received.

At 16, he's old enough to learn about nutrition. I'm sure you can find some recommendations here on MFP for good books about nutrition. "Oh hey, son. I borrowed this interesting book from the library I thought you might like to read..."

ETA: my son is 8, and he's very interested in nutrition. I borrowed a couple of books from the local library geared towards kids/tweens. It can be an interesting topic for any age kid.

I have to 2nd what "sarko15" has said. You talking about his weight will only cause him poor self image of himself. If you've said something once I wouldn't bring it up again. At 16 he knows, and he will start a habit a sneak eating..only causing more problems..Just cook healthy at home, don't overcook, just cook enough for everyone to have a portion. He will get it, just let him and love who he is. Our children need our unconditionally love no matter what size they are.

When I was in high school I was playing elite level basketball (6 days a week, 4 hours a day) and eating like crazy to keep up with what I was burning. Then when I turned 15 I tore my ACL and was off for 9 months. I gained 25 pounds during that time. All I can say is that your son likely knows that he is overweight. High school is not a nice place(granted I am female) but teenagers are cruel and pressure to be thin/muscular is high. I knew I was overweight and didn't need my parents to point it out. Instead my parents made sure I had access to all the healthy foods I needed, allowed me to take a yoga class and get a membership to the pool (while I was rehabbing). They also made the focus of their concern on being healthy (eating well, sleeping enough, drinking water etc) not being overweight.

tmn2016 wrote: »

@zorander6 he is under a lot of stress lately. It's his junior year and between a challenging school schedule he just took the PSAT and is getting ready for the sat. He is having to be tutor in physics as well. Lots of pressure so I'm sure he's turning to eating. He won't talk about it which makes it harder to help him.

After reading all the comments I think the best thing to do is cook healthy meals and talks about nutrition and portion sizes. Let things take its course. He needs to want more than me. As much as the doctor told him that he needs to lose weight and I'm so afraid of him developing diabetes, I need to walk the talk and ensure that at least at home he is getting a healthy and a balanced meal

All good ideas. Just a thought, 16 is around the time some kids start experimenting with beer, which of course would add to his calorie intake that I assume you would not be aware of.

tmn2016 wrote: »

Thank you all so much for your opinions and advice. His doctor mentioned that he is obese and should lose weight (especially because of the hereditary issues in the family like diabetes). His coaches however don't say a word to him! They don't really care from what I see. I do have one young coach that I could talk to and see if he can talk to my son about "hey if you lose some weight you will get faster on the court", less injuries, etc.

You are right that the desire to lose weight needs to come from him. I guess the only thing that I can do as a parent is keep promoting the healthy eating at home and hopefully by sitting on the bench a few times he will get the message.....he is really slow now (slower than last winter when he played basketball) and I can't help but think it's because of the weight.

The best way to do this is to get the coach to talk with him in a relaxed manner. What your son needs from you is 100% knowledge that you love & accept him & aren't judging him. You are safe harbor. I understand your worry for his health, because of your family history.
He is still growing, very active, sounds cardiovascularly fit. It's very possible he's heading into a growth spurt. My kids always purge (edit* pudge) up the year before a massive spurt.

I would prepare healthy meals, based around healthy fats, protein & veggies with fruit desserts. He'll gain knowledge on healthy eating, and you're doing what you can to support healthy growth. If he's still overweight at 21, then I'd have a heart to heart about your deep worry.

My 12 year old gained weight very rapidly despite implementing the lifestyle changes I made that led to my weight loss. He's been at the 95th percentile for size for his entire life, so I know he'll never be reed thin. He is also active in basketball, rides bikes, and likes dancing around the house when he's bored. So I took him to his dr, and turns out he has thyroid issues that need further evaluation by endocrinology.

So in other words, get him checked out along with lifestyle changes.

Btw, someone suggested removing privileges until OP son lost weight. IMHO, no. It just seems like punishing a child for their weight, and that in itself can lead to a lifetime of self esteem issues.

My take.. Why do We all overeat? Being 16 is hard.. Both my kids had issues with body image were not even overweight. But thought they were. I have eaten my whole life either because I was stressed or lonely. My son told me later that it was his hardest year. And I thought he was happy. All those sports plus school work is incredibly stressful. Any change in eating is something u should look at. Men suffer from eating issues too. If he is going out and buying bad food that's a red flag. If he is doing it at home don't stock any bad food. Stock items that are healthy yet tasty.. Like flavored hummus with high fiber chips. Stuff that will fill him up.

Don't point it out yet.. Every social outing for teens involves food. I mean if we don't eat at a party people are like why aren't u eating!!!!

keep a private account of when he eats.. After sports.. After homework? Does he eat alone? Times and how he does it tell u exactly why. Comes home says he's starving mom make me something vs. A bit secretive eating. Also.. Maybe a doctor's visit.. Diabetes can cause both weight gain and needing certain foods.

My last thought too.. He may be going through his last growth spurt too.

You are coming from a place of love.

If u were sixteen and gained weight how would you have wanted someone to talk to you.

Hugs.. It hurts when we want to fix it and we don't know how

we have 3 sons & a daughter. 2 of my boys got overweight starting in middle school. Our youngest got 350 lbs! When he was a senior, my hubby took the computer away from him, he had nothing to do so he started walking, going to the gym & eating less. We didn't make him do it. It was his choice. He got down to size medium. This was 13yrs ago & he never gained it back. Our middle son is tall & over weight. He'll lose weight then gain it back. He's married with a son. We don't tell him what to do., he knows it's not good for him, we just accept him & pray he'll take better care of himself. He won't listen anyway

Big changes in activity level without parallel changes in eating can result in weight gain - that's a given, and it's how I gained weight during several times when I gained rather than maintained. That's something that you can probably talk about in general terms.

But I'm with many others: shaming and lecturing aren't going to help. There's no evidence that they result in real positive behavior change around eating and weight, and a lot of evidence that they result in *negative* behaviors.

Mary_Anastasia wrote: »

With this in mind, I would encourage you bring nutrition and physical fitness into your home as a general guideline for you both to follow. When he walks by ask him what he thinks about substituting fruit for dessert, or lean turkey over ground beef; tell him you're going to start serving salad with dinner every night, or wanting to spend quality time with him in the evenings with a stroll around the block. Ask him if he'll help YOU be healthier, and I bet he will learn a lot about his own body and lifestyle.

This seems like a good idea. I think if you're all following the same guidelines then it maybe seems less like nagging? I don't know, though, it seems like you might be doing this already.

The other thing is that if he is a procrastinator, he's likely to be demand-resistant, and the more you talk about it, the less likely he becomes to do it. I know this because I am a procrastinator, and the more people (especially my mother!) push me to do a thing, the more anxious and resistant I become. I have to find my way to it myself.

That doesn't mean you should never mention it, a serious heart-to-heart couldn't hurt, but repeating it may be counterproductive. Say it once, then model it, would be my advice.