Advice for my husband please?
gabbyo23
Posts: 100 Member
Well...and me, as I cook for him!
He's naturally very thin, always has been. Its genetic, his fakily are all thin. However with the birth of our twins and added stress at work he is now losing weight and his weight is now classed as "underweight" on the bmi scale. I'm really worried.
I also feel guilty because I'm actually trying to lose weight so I'm cooking healthy and low calorie dinners which probably isn't helping. I used to buy lots of fattening treats and dessert...thats all stopped. So the bad diet that was making me fat was probabley keeping him at a better weight. I'm trying to add extra stuff to his meals
..Sometimes I cook his eggs separately using butter or oil, I add butter to his food a lot and extra sides when I can, cheese, beans etc.and I try to encourage him to snack.
My problem however is sometimes he turns down snacks. And I find this annoying. He's underweight for goodness sake and I feel he should want to make an effort to be healthy. After all...I'm making a big effort to be a healthy weight and so should he. I sometimes worry he's just not trying.
He saw a doctor last week who is sending him for tests Friday to check his thyroid and blood work. Assuming all is well, what else can I do to help him?
Thank you for any help!!
He's naturally very thin, always has been. Its genetic, his fakily are all thin. However with the birth of our twins and added stress at work he is now losing weight and his weight is now classed as "underweight" on the bmi scale. I'm really worried.
I also feel guilty because I'm actually trying to lose weight so I'm cooking healthy and low calorie dinners which probably isn't helping. I used to buy lots of fattening treats and dessert...thats all stopped. So the bad diet that was making me fat was probabley keeping him at a better weight. I'm trying to add extra stuff to his meals
..Sometimes I cook his eggs separately using butter or oil, I add butter to his food a lot and extra sides when I can, cheese, beans etc.and I try to encourage him to snack.
My problem however is sometimes he turns down snacks. And I find this annoying. He's underweight for goodness sake and I feel he should want to make an effort to be healthy. After all...I'm making a big effort to be a healthy weight and so should he. I sometimes worry he's just not trying.
He saw a doctor last week who is sending him for tests Friday to check his thyroid and blood work. Assuming all is well, what else can I do to help him?
Thank you for any help!!
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Replies
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The simple answer is; he needs to eat more.
People who are "naturally thin" normally have eating habits which keep them lean/thin.9 -
I think that you shouldn't feel guilty about not buying sugary treats anymore because those should be consumed with moderation even if one's underweight.
Also it is not clear to me if he acknowledges the problem and he's trying to gain weight: I believe this is key to really fix the problem.
Anyway, as I look at what my mother does to give my uncle more calories (he has very little appetite due to severe health issues), here are my tips:
you should encourage his eating habits: if he's not used to snack, he should get more calories in the meals, focusing on low volume, high calories foods, as you are already doing. for example she tries to load his food with oil and cheese and keep around stuff he likes. She also cooks a variety of meals so that the novelty will encourage him to try. Also, eating out might mix things up once in a while.
Another important tip I have is for you: I encourage you not to be tempted with more appetizing food around and do what works for you to stick to your goals. Also, if there are leftovers, even if it's a pity to waste food, remember that it's also a pity to waste your weightloss efforts, so leftovers are better off in the trash bin or the dog bowl rather than around your waist.
Best of luck and keep us updated!0 -
Liquid calories are easiest for adding in to diet and don't make you full.
Fruit smoothies, juices , protein shakes and full cfat milk.
As a naturally skinny guy he will have to make an effort though Shi if he's not ready to do that i don't think you can do it for him. .2 -
Well...and me, as I cook for him!
He's naturally very thin, always has been. Its genetic, his fakily are all thin. However with the birth of our twins and added stress at work he is now losing weight and his weight is now classed as "underweight" on the bmi scale. I'm really worried.
I also feel guilty because I'm actually trying to lose weight so I'm cooking healthy and low calorie dinners which probably isn't helping. I used to buy lots of fattening treats and dessert...thats all stopped. So the bad diet that was making me fat was probabley keeping him at a better weight. I'm trying to add extra stuff to his meals
..Sometimes I cook his eggs separately using butter or oil, I add butter to his food a lot and extra sides when I can, cheese, beans etc.and I try to encourage him to snack.
My problem however is sometimes he turns down snacks. And I find this annoying. He's underweight for goodness sake and I feel he should want to make an effort to be healthy. After all...I'm making a big effort to be a healthy weight and so should he. I sometimes worry he's just not trying.
He saw a doctor last week who is sending him for tests Friday to check his thyroid and blood work. Assuming all is well, what else can I do to help him?
Thank you for any help!!
First, this isn't something you can even control. If he isn't willing to put in the work, then he won't gain. When you cook, you can add additional high calorie stuff to his plate (like top things in cheese, avocado, etc...) but in the end, if you want to gain, it has to be a consistent surplus. Second, but those high calorie snacks or deserts and you will have to express some constraint. This is nothing wrong with having ice cream or some desert if the rest of your diet is pretty good. Hell, I would even wage to say, there would be more risks of being underweight than eating specific foods. And lastly, have him drink calories. Simple solution to getting more calories.
http://community.myfitnesspal.com/en/discussion/10326769/are-you-a-hard-gainer-please-read#latest2 -
It is difficult. I'm the other side of the coin - I'm trying to gain weight whereas my husband is probably overweight and certainly doesn't need to gain. The difference is that,apart from our evening meal, we are responsible for ourselves during the day,for breakfast,lunch and snacks.
The advice above is great and has helped me to gain weight ,but in the end will only work if he wants to gain weight-you can't force him to eat! (People have tried that with me all my life and it doesn't work!)0 -
Can he have a glass of whole milk with each meal instead if water?0
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My husband is having problems maintaining his weight (we just got him up to a good weight) and he needs a lot more calories than I do (I've been maintaining my loss for awhile). He can't cook so I have found ways to increase his calories while keeping mine down.
Add cheese, butter, sauces, sour cream, etc. to his meals. They don't add a lot of volume but you can get a bunch of extra calories into him that way. If we're having cauliflower, I'll have mine plain and add sharp shredded cheese to his. He gets larger portions of the protein and starches, I get larger portions of the veggies. I buy full fat everything and just watch my portions.
I buy the thick cut bread for him and make his sandwiches with extra meat and cheese or lots of peanut butter. He usually only eats a sandwich while I'm at work and then the rest of his calories in the evening so I try to make it a pretty hardy sandwich.
I have him keep the cookies, donuts, etc. on the higher shelf in the kitchen where I can't reach them without climbing up on the counter. Makes me think before eating them and I label them in my head as "his food".
It takes some figuring but you can do it.
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He needs to concentrate on eating more. You can't be responsible for him. Just make more food at dinner. Take the same portion as you would have for yourself and let him determine how much he should eat. He is an adult... He can also go buy snacks and keep them at work for when he's rushed there.
If he doesn't care about his weight, there's nothing you can do to force him to change his ways. Like weight loss, the person themselves has to take responsibility.3 -
Does he care that he's underweight? If not, I wouldn't give it another thought. He's gonna do what he's gonna do, and he's gonna eat how he wants to eat. At least that's been my experience. You may be worrying over it,but it doesn't concern him.2
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Does he care that he's underweight? If not, I wouldn't give it another thought. He's gonna do what he's gonna do, and he's gonna eat how he wants to eat. At least that's been my experience. You may be worrying over it,but it doesn't concern him.
I.know it's ultimatle1y his responsibility but I love him and he's the father of our children. So I feel like it's both our responsibilities...he's my husband. We battle things together. I do see your point, but I still see this as "we" and not "him". X2 -
Does he care that he's underweight? If not, I wouldn't give it another thought. He's gonna do what he's gonna do, and he's gonna eat how he wants to eat. At least that's been my experience. You may be worrying over it,but it doesn't concern him.
I.know it's ultimatle1y his responsibility but I love him and he's the father of our children. So I feel like it's both our responsibilities...he's my husband. We battle things together. I do see your point, but I still see this as "we" and not "him". X
But if 50% of "we" don't think there's an issue then it's not "we" at all. Does he comment on your weight and persuade you to gain/lose weight?3 -
Honestly if he doesn't feel there is a problem or doesn't want to address it there is only so much you can do and it sounds like you are doing it. Find other things he'll eat with dinner to add calories. In the long run however he will have to decide he wants to address it. It's much like losing weight, only you can choose to lose weight.0
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You said you're "worried," "feel guilty," and get "annoyed" with it. Truly, I love my husband as well, and he's the father of my children as well, but I'm not going to get myself upset over what he eats or doesn't eat. He's a grown man. We can talk about it and then he's on his own. I sure wouldn't want him telling me what to eat or not eat.1
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You could try a different approach and simply say you're worried about his health (which is what it comes down to ) but I agree it has to be his choice. Just serve normal food and have smaller portions yourself? It's how my husband and I do it. I'm the one trying to gain weight so I cook quite high calorie meals and he just eats less of it. Breakfast lunch and snacks are down to him though- I've seen some of the receipts for his lunches and they ain't healthy or low calorie but that's his choice.
I've been underweight most of my life and I can say that nagging (not saying that's what you do ) never worked for me and in fact it just increased my anxiety.2 -
This used to be me back in high school - thin as a rail and under BMI. I worked with my coach and ate a lot of peanut butter and resistance training to put on muscle. I put on about 20 lbs/year doing this.
As others have stated this is his fight. If he wants to do something about it this has to come from him. All you can do is support. He may be resisting simply because you're pulling him. Let him go and come to this conclusion himself.1 -
trigden1991 wrote: »Does he care that he's underweight? If not, I wouldn't give it another thought. He's gonna do what he's gonna do, and he's gonna eat how he wants to eat. At least that's been my experience. You may be worrying over it,but it doesn't concern him.
I.know it's ultimatle1y his responsibility but I love him and he's the father of our children. So I feel like it's both our responsibilities...he's my husband. We battle things together. I do see your point, but I still see this as "we" and not "him". X
But if 50% of "we" don't think there's an issue then it's not "we" at all. Does he comment on your weight and persuade you to gain/lose weight?
He supports me in my effort to lose weight so long as that's what I want. I'm not sure why you guys are committed to implying there is conflict between us? He wants to gain weight. I want to lose weight. We are both supportive of each other. Let's just get thay straight right away...Neither of us is forcing the other to do anything!!
We both struggle on occasion but that doesn't mean that we are reluctant. He wants to gain weight but he also doesn't want to be unhealthy and I sympathise with that.0 -
OK maybe my original post is being misconstrued.
He turns down snacks sometimes and that makes me irritated. I believe however that he's saying no thanks because he's not hungry.
My opinion is that if he would make the effort to eat more he would start getting hungry...he's not hungry because his stomach has shrunk. Maybe I'm wrong. But that was my thinking.
Thanks for all comments. I feel like most people are determined to imply that something deeper is going on when really there isn't. I'm just trying to help him, out of love and nothing else. I'm not nagging him or being mean to him about it.
When I put my arms round him I can feel every bone in his body..
I'd never tell him this but it's really quite shocking. He's always been slim but nothing like this before. He looks pale and gaunt. It's really not an option to just leave him to it because "he's a grown adult" and "it's his responsibility". These facts are true. But I'm not a stranger and I am the one who buys and cooks the food and loves him. It is very natural for me to feel I need to contribute to his success.3 -
trigden1991 wrote: »Does he care that he's underweight? If not, I wouldn't give it another thought. He's gonna do what he's gonna do, and he's gonna eat how he wants to eat. At least that's been my experience. You may be worrying over it,but it doesn't concern him.
I.know it's ultimatle1y his responsibility but I love him and he's the father of our children. So I feel like it's both our responsibilities...he's my husband. We battle things together. I do see your point, but I still see this as "we" and not "him". X
But if 50% of "we" don't think there's an issue then it's not "we" at all. Does he comment on your weight and persuade you to gain/lose weight?
Also, I'm not saying to him "you should gain weight because I prefer you that way". I'm saying "you should gain weight because you are risking your health". And I'm only saying it in the first place because he said it first.
If he asked me to try to lose weight because he was genuinely concerned for my health I would hear him. If he asked me to lose weight because he found if more attractive I would.not accept that. It's not about what I'm asking it's about why.
Secondly no he doesn't comment on my food and I don't comment on his. I just cook it.
And finally I haven't brought this up with him, it came from him. He came to me one morning after weighing himself and he was upset about it. If you really imagine I sat him down one morning and demanded he gain some weight you've missed the point of the post entirely.1 -
Ahh I hear you! My boyfriend is the same! I feed him loads of protein shakes with oats, pb, whole milk, protein powder. I also bake something yummy like a cake, pie, cupcakes weekly and he always reaches for those. His appetite has gone up loads since weight lifting as well!0
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trigden1991 wrote: »Does he care that he's underweight? If not, I wouldn't give it another thought. He's gonna do what he's gonna do, and he's gonna eat how he wants to eat. At least that's been my experience. You may be worrying over it,but it doesn't concern him.
I.know it's ultimatle1y his responsibility but I love him and he's the father of our children. So I feel like it's both our responsibilities...he's my husband. We battle things together. I do see your point, but I still see this as "we" and not "him". X
But if 50% of "we" don't think there's an issue then it's not "we" at all. Does he comment on your weight and persuade you to gain/lose weight?
He supports me in my effort to lose weight so long as that's what I want. I'm not sure why you guys are committed to implying there is conflict between us? He wants to gain weight. I want to lose weight. We are both supportive of each other. Let's just get thay straight right away...Neither of us is forcing the other to do anything!!
We both struggle on occasion but that doesn't mean that we are reluctant. He wants to gain weight but he also doesn't want to be unhealthy and I sympathise with that.
Let me ask you, for your weight loss, is that something you wanted to do or did he want you to do it?0 -
courtcassiefit wrote: »Ahh I hear you! My boyfriend is the same! I feed him loads of protein shakes with oats, pb, whole milk, protein powder. I also bake something yummy like a cake, pie, cupcakes weekly and he always reaches for those. His appetite has gone up loads since weight lifting as well!
That's a good plan - you could provide extras that are for him and which you don't have to eat so won't be sabotaging your weight loss.
I do hear what you're saying about doing it out of love.
If it's something he's upset about and wants to do something about it, could you suggest he joins mfp? I was underweight for years and couldn't understand why,until I came here and started logging my food. I realised I'd been under eating most of my life.
Gaining weight has been hard and eating more and snacking hasn't improved my appetite a whole lot - I still struggle to eat big meals- but logging my food has kept me on track0 -
Your first post and consequent posts do not read like that.1
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trigden1991 wrote: »Does he care that he's underweight? If not, I wouldn't give it another thought. He's gonna do what he's gonna do, and he's gonna eat how he wants to eat. At least that's been my experience. You may be worrying over it,but it doesn't concern him.
I.know it's ultimatle1y his responsibility but I love him and he's the father of our children. So I feel like it's both our responsibilities...he's my husband. We battle things together. I do see your point, but I still see this as "we" and not "him". X
But if 50% of "we" don't think there's an issue then it's not "we" at all. Does he comment on your weight and persuade you to gain/lose weight?
He supports me in my effort to lose weight so long as that's what I want. I'm not sure why you guys are committed to implying there is conflict between us? He wants to gain weight. I want to lose weight. We are both supportive of each other. Let's just get thay straight right away...Neither of us is forcing the other to do anything!!
We both struggle on occasion but that doesn't mean that we are reluctant. He wants to gain weight but he also doesn't want to be unhealthy and I sympathise with that.
Let me ask you, for your weight loss, is that something you wanted to do or did he want you to do it?
It came entirely from me. Why is everyone determined to create a negative situation?!!0 -
trigden1991 wrote: »Your first post and consequent posts do not read like that.
Please, tell me which bits of my original post Implies there is mental or emotional abuse taking place - because that's basically what you are saying? Or please, quote the part of my writing which Implies either of us is forcing the other??
You are talking total rubbish.
Thank you everyone else who was kind enough to offer actual advice.0 -
trigden1991 wrote: »Your first post and consequent posts do not read like that.
Please, tell me which bits of my original post Implies there is mental or emotional abuse taking place - because that's basically what you are saying? Or please, quote the part of my writing which Implies either of us is forcing the other??
You are talking total rubbish.
Thank you everyone else who was kind enough to offer actual advice.
I never mentioned or insinuated any form of abuse. Best of luck to you2 -
trigden1991 wrote: »Does he care that he's underweight? If not, I wouldn't give it another thought. He's gonna do what he's gonna do, and he's gonna eat how he wants to eat. At least that's been my experience. You may be worrying over it,but it doesn't concern him.
I.know it's ultimatle1y his responsibility but I love him and he's the father of our children. So I feel like it's both our responsibilities...he's my husband. We battle things together. I do see your point, but I still see this as "we" and not "him". X
But if 50% of "we" don't think there's an issue then it's not "we" at all. Does he comment on your weight and persuade you to gain/lose weight?
He supports me in my effort to lose weight so long as that's what I want. I'm not sure why you guys are committed to implying there is conflict between us? He wants to gain weight. I want to lose weight. We are both supportive of each other. Let's just get thay straight right away...Neither of us is forcing the other to do anything!!
We both struggle on occasion but that doesn't mean that we are reluctant. He wants to gain weight but he also doesn't want to be unhealthy and I sympathise with that.
Let me ask you, for your weight loss, is that something you wanted to do or did he want you to do it?
It came entirely from me. Why is everyone determined to create a negative situation?!!
Not trying to be negative. But weight loss came from you. Weight gain has to start with him. Trust me, I was and am in your situation. My wife has a medical condition and one of the ways to improve the symptoms is through weight training. Not until recently (and I have been encouraging her for years) did she actually start. She just wasn't ready. And that is ok. Because she had to tell herself she was ready. And the same will have to go with your husband.
So if you want honest answers, you have to be willing to accept them.3 -
Presuming the doc turns up nothing untoward, address the stress rather than trying to fatten him up.
The responsibility that falls on new parents in enormous, doubled with twins. Don't underestimate the effect that stress can put on a person.
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Eat. More. Food0
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Well...and me, as I cook for him!
He's naturally very thin, always has been. Its genetic, his fakily are all thin. However with the birth of our twins and added stress at work he is now losing weight and his weight is now classed as "underweight" on the bmi scale. I'm really worried.
I also feel guilty because I'm actually trying to lose weight so I'm cooking healthy and low calorie dinners which probably isn't helping. I used to buy lots of fattening treats and dessert...thats all stopped. So the bad diet that was making me fat was probabley keeping him at a better weight. I'm trying to add extra stuff to his meals
..Sometimes I cook his eggs separately using butter or oil, I add butter to his food a lot and extra sides when I can, cheese, beans etc.and I try to encourage him to snack.
My problem however is sometimes he turns down snacks. And I find this annoying. He's underweight for goodness sake and I feel he should want to make an effort to be healthy. After all...I'm making a big effort to be a healthy weight and so should he. I sometimes worry he's just not trying.
He saw a doctor last week who is sending him for tests Friday to check his thyroid and blood work. Assuming all is well, what else can I do to help him?
Thank you for any help!!
I have this same exact problem. My boyfriend is almost underweight, getting worse, and I'm overweight, trying to lose. I'm leaving this comment as an invitation for you to add me as a friend and also as a reminder for me to come back and read all the comments I didn't get to. The only advice I have is ask him to make a myfitnesspal account. You can be in it together0
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