How to help someone lose weight or not....
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AwesomeHealth
Posts: 22 Member
Hello,
I know that people have to want to change and help themselves. It is true. My mom and I joined WW. I had gained a couple due to stressful circumstances and wanted to join to get the excess off.
I joined with my mom because I have not seen her stick to anything weight loss efforts on her own. I was also having a hard time as well.
We joined but things have changed from Points Plus which is what I used back then to Smart Points. It is so different because Smart Points foods have so much more points. We used the old program and were able to lose weight nicely. It is nice when we do the planning together. She wants me to do it but she really is not into it or learn anything if I do it myself.
My mom is in school for a couple more months and is super stressed and has no time to think of much but her school and work. I am the one making mostly lunch and dinners.
My mom has no desire to count points or even read about the Simply filling program. Personally, I don't like that everything else has to be fat-free. Fat free is not enjoyable food. Low fat is okay. I also don't think it is realistic to eat everything fat-free.
Anyway, I have talked to mom about how important tracking points is. We joined WW years ago and I did all of the tracking but after we left she gained it all back. I suppose it's because she didn't learn anything. I don't want to do it this time. I don't think it's the right program for her. I wish I knew how to help her without getting so involved. I guess she finds counting points and keeping track tedious, but I don't know how to help her. It just seems she needs to reach a point where she really wants to help herself. My nagging isn't helping.
I know I can't help my mom. I pains me to have to accept this. My mom has some health issues that weight loss would greatly improve them. I know I can't help my mom, I repeat, but I don't know how to let go and just let go without getting nervous. I have anxiety issues over it. My mom controls herself better at the moment but not losing weight. One of the things she does is be in denial and doesn't think she did anything wrong to gain or not lose weight. When I remind her of food she ate, she remembers and I tell her that's why you need to track your food, but I can tell she has no desire to track or journal. I just feel there needs to be a plan to follow to keep on track.
One of the things that really bothers me is see her reach for extra food. When I see her sneak food or reach for extra food and in denial, it makes me angry inside. So angry. I don't know how to just let it go. How can I train myself to let this go? This is very stressful for me. I care a lot about her. I can tell her how I feel but I don't think it will make a difference. I have told her. I have an anxiety issue about mom's health. Seeing her eat makes me very anxious, so I feel anger rise in me. I know that I cannot help her but I don't know how to stop feeling like this. I have tried the expert chat at WW but they are not much help. They do not have a forum anymore just a place to post your progress.
I decided to come here and hope to hear the right message from someone, anyone who has been through this or has tips or advice. I could eat when she's not present just so I don't see her eat but she's not good at hiding evidence of wrappers or empty something. I can do all of the food shopping but I cannot control what she does on her own time. I need to learn to let go and let her help herself. I try to help because I care about her well being. I feel just so anxious and hearing that she has to help herself just doesn't help me get over my anxiety. I wish I could just stop telling her not to eat this or that or nag. I hate when she ask me for permission to eat certain things. It is annoying and childish. It is exhausting....please help with some wisdom of advice how I can slowly get over this worry and fear of mine. Thank you.
I know that people have to want to change and help themselves. It is true. My mom and I joined WW. I had gained a couple due to stressful circumstances and wanted to join to get the excess off.
I joined with my mom because I have not seen her stick to anything weight loss efforts on her own. I was also having a hard time as well.
We joined but things have changed from Points Plus which is what I used back then to Smart Points. It is so different because Smart Points foods have so much more points. We used the old program and were able to lose weight nicely. It is nice when we do the planning together. She wants me to do it but she really is not into it or learn anything if I do it myself.
My mom is in school for a couple more months and is super stressed and has no time to think of much but her school and work. I am the one making mostly lunch and dinners.
My mom has no desire to count points or even read about the Simply filling program. Personally, I don't like that everything else has to be fat-free. Fat free is not enjoyable food. Low fat is okay. I also don't think it is realistic to eat everything fat-free.
Anyway, I have talked to mom about how important tracking points is. We joined WW years ago and I did all of the tracking but after we left she gained it all back. I suppose it's because she didn't learn anything. I don't want to do it this time. I don't think it's the right program for her. I wish I knew how to help her without getting so involved. I guess she finds counting points and keeping track tedious, but I don't know how to help her. It just seems she needs to reach a point where she really wants to help herself. My nagging isn't helping.
I know I can't help my mom. I pains me to have to accept this. My mom has some health issues that weight loss would greatly improve them. I know I can't help my mom, I repeat, but I don't know how to let go and just let go without getting nervous. I have anxiety issues over it. My mom controls herself better at the moment but not losing weight. One of the things she does is be in denial and doesn't think she did anything wrong to gain or not lose weight. When I remind her of food she ate, she remembers and I tell her that's why you need to track your food, but I can tell she has no desire to track or journal. I just feel there needs to be a plan to follow to keep on track.
One of the things that really bothers me is see her reach for extra food. When I see her sneak food or reach for extra food and in denial, it makes me angry inside. So angry. I don't know how to just let it go. How can I train myself to let this go? This is very stressful for me. I care a lot about her. I can tell her how I feel but I don't think it will make a difference. I have told her. I have an anxiety issue about mom's health. Seeing her eat makes me very anxious, so I feel anger rise in me. I know that I cannot help her but I don't know how to stop feeling like this. I have tried the expert chat at WW but they are not much help. They do not have a forum anymore just a place to post your progress.
I decided to come here and hope to hear the right message from someone, anyone who has been through this or has tips or advice. I could eat when she's not present just so I don't see her eat but she's not good at hiding evidence of wrappers or empty something. I can do all of the food shopping but I cannot control what she does on her own time. I need to learn to let go and let her help herself. I try to help because I care about her well being. I feel just so anxious and hearing that she has to help herself just doesn't help me get over my anxiety. I wish I could just stop telling her not to eat this or that or nag. I hate when she ask me for permission to eat certain things. It is annoying and childish. It is exhausting....please help with some wisdom of advice how I can slowly get over this worry and fear of mine. Thank you.
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Replies
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What your mother chooses to do or not do is none of your business. I get that it hurts to see her making poor choices for herself, but it is not your responsibility to fix it, or save her from herself. You tried this once, and it didn't stick with her. The only way it will be a permanent change is if she does it herself. I'm sorry that's not what you want to hear. There really is no magical wand to fix things for you. Recognize that her choices aren't a personal slight to you. They are her choices.7
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Your mother is an adult. She can live her own life and make her own choices ... and it sounds like she's very busy. I also work full time and attend university part time. I know what it's like to feel swamped and stressed, and when I'm in that situation, the last thing I want to do is to take on something else. In fact, I also get really crabby if someone tries to impose additional pressure me when I'm already feeling "super stressed".
You need to focus on yourself. If you aren't happy with WW, then use MFP ... that's what it is here for.
Make good shopping choices, weigh the food, calculate the calories, cook the meals, and eat fewer calories than you burn. Don't bother your mother with any of it, just do it yourself for yourself. Be as much of an example as you can ... a silent example.
If your mother expresses an interest, answer her questions ... otherwise, say nothing.5 -
Hey there- so it's sounds like logically you've already come to right conclusion, but those pesky feelings of anxiety won't let you be. I totally get it-- I suffer from anxiety too. You know that monitoring your mom's food isn't working for either of you.
Ask yourself- if your mom got it together and started eating well on her own, would your worries fixate on something new? If the answer is yes, you may want to consider therapy for anxiety. I did, and it really really helped. Sometimes we have to get ourselves healthy (mentally or physically) before we can help others.
Good luck on your journey friend 3 -
I have been on both sides of the fence. A year ago, before I dedicated myself to this journey, if someone approached me with indications that I should lose weight, I didn't want to hear it and just rolled my eyes and brushed them off. I have now lost 151 Lbs and am so happy that I finally made a good decision. At the start of my journey though I did tell my mom that I didn't want to hear criticism about my food or exercise choices that she felt were bad as that would not help me a bit. She has been great and has adhered to my wishes and it works.
I have a brother that needs to lose a lot of weight. I desperately want to be able to help him but I know from being on the other side that pushing my views on him of what he should do won't help a thing and could make him stubborn like I got about my weight. My solution, for what its worth, is to tempt him with activities that would get him off the couch and doing things he likes to do. I'm hoping to lead by example in the hopes that when he gets more active and feeling better that he will want to make changes in his life. I also hope to lead by example. I have said things about where I was and what a horrible place it was but I make sure he knows I'm talking only about myself. The great news is that he has ordered a simply fit board so that he can get more exercise. That is a start - the initial idea that he needs physical activity. It has helped me and I'm hopeful that it will help him. That being said, whether he uses that or not is all up to him.
I completely understand exactly how you feel and I wish that I could give him some of my motivation but we all have to make our own decisions whether they are bad or good.
I hope that your mom will see the light and I'm sorry I don't have better advice for you on how to accomplish that goal. You have my best wishes for both of your futures.
Good luck,
Tina Marie1 -
Same here.
I joined a gym with a coworker. Told her to join me on here as well. I just hit the 20 pound mark. She lost 3 pounds after 5 weeks, then gained 10 (from the last she said anything about 7 weeks ago) she started a size 24/4X but still when it was time for me to toss out my size 20/2X she wanted them and said they fit fine. I gave them to her with the hope that she would keep trying but so far nothing.
It bothers her when i mention my progress, i guess because she wants to lose but just isnt motivated.
After she ripped her pants during work last week i thought she would get back on track and come to the gym again but not even that could get her going.
I wish she would join me because i know she wants to. And because she wants to but wont, its putting stress on our friendship when i show/talk about my progress.1 -
Thanks for your words. It is hard to just "mind my own business." It really is and so easy for someone else to say because they are so detached from the person. Not really how I like to hear it because it just sounds so harsh. I believe what started this fear was when my grandmother died--not related to overweight health issues. It is just that post traumatic stress. Some of it still remains. I have told some counselors but they aren't any good. They tell you the same things. That you can't help them but really don't help you know how to cope with it. I don't really think they understand where I come from. I'd welcome reading an article with helpful tips if you know of one but I wouldn't find another counselor. I am tired of repeating my stories hoping to find the right person who understands. I am going to continue to bring in healthy food and cook better at least that is something I can and like to do. Once in a while I will pick up a treat but one that is a small portion that can be eaten on same day. It's not that we eat unhealthy but some food choices could always be better like eating a fruit when you want something sweet or have a salad instead of that 1/2 cup reduced fat baked potato chips with veggie hamburgers. It's usually continuing to eat by munching extra stuff that adds up that's the problem. Also exercise is also necessary to get metabolism up. I will try. Maybe I have reached that point where I have to step back.0
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Chances are that the therapists are telling you helpful things, it's just that they're telling you what you don't want to hear. We all have loved ones who are dealing with something, so this stuff is not easy to say but something we have learned that we got to do.
I won't go into a full story about my mom, but she has a few health issues that would benefit greatly if she watched what she ate and moved around more. I've told her this several times, and tried to have real discussions with her. They usually end up badly. I've made her food and sent her podcasts and articles. So I get it. The reality is she doesn't want to do it, at least not yet. So I will still sometimes make her food and get her to take walks, but I mostly lead by example now. She asks me questions every now and then, which was different than before. So do what you can, but don't force her to diet. Lead by example, and hope that she will visually see your results and come around.1 -
AwesomeHealth wrote: »Thanks for your words. It is hard to just "mind my own business." It really is and so easy for someone else to say because they are so detached from the person. Not really how I like to hear it because it just sounds so harsh. I believe what started this fear was when my grandmother died--not related to overweight health issues. It is just that post traumatic stress. Some of it still remains. I have told some counselors but they aren't any good. They tell you the same things. That you can't help them but really don't help you know how to cope with it. I don't really think they understand where I come from. I'd welcome reading an article with helpful tips if you know of one but I wouldn't find another counselor. I am tired of repeating my stories hoping to find the right person who understands. I am going to continue to bring in healthy food and cook better at least that is something I can and like to do. Once in a while I will pick up a treat but one that is a small portion that can be eaten on same day. It's not that we eat unhealthy but some food choices could always be better like eating a fruit when you want something sweet or have a salad instead of that 1/2 cup reduced fat baked potato chips with veggie hamburgers. It's usually continuing to eat by munching extra stuff that adds up that's the problem. Also exercise is also necessary to get metabolism up. I will try. Maybe I have reached that point where I have to step back.
You could do all of this (healthy food, single portions), and she could just get more food and treats when she wants it. Unfortunately I do not have links to any articles, but I think you'll need to somehow figure out how to relate to her as just a person, and not this problem you have to fix. You certainly shouldn't do the latter all the time, anyway (my apologies if you're not; I did have to make some assumptions to make my point ) 0 -
Same here.
I joined a gym with a coworker. Told her to join me on here as well. I just hit the 20 pound mark. She lost 3 pounds after 5 weeks, then gained 10 (from the last she said anything about 7 weeks ago) she started a size 24/4X but still when it was time for me to toss out my size 20/2X she wanted them and said they fit fine. I gave them to her with the hope that she would keep trying but so far nothing.
It bothers her when i mention my progress, i guess because she wants to lose but just isnt motivated.
After she ripped her pants during work last week i thought she would get back on track and come to the gym again but not even that could get her going.
I wish she would join me because i know she wants to. And because she wants to but wont, its putting stress on our friendship when i show/talk about my progress.
Sounds like your coworker may have depression. Lack of motivation is a key symptom. Talk to her and see if that's the problem. Encourage her to seek help. A doctor, nurse practitioner, psychiatrist could help her treat her depression. She'd get back her motivation once her mental health is addressed.
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