Issues at home.

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locacrazysister
locacrazysister Posts: 8 Member
in Motivation and Support
I don't know how to address this. For the past week I have been logging my food and watching what I eat. Today my boyfriend of five years said "I love how every time you go to the gym you start to count your calories" as if I haven't even been trying. He basically demerited everything I have been doing for the last week. All the hard work I put in. And all the changes to my diet i'va been making. It's like being knocked down 4 of the 7 steps you have taken. I have no support here. I'm not here to wine. I'm here to ask others how they have made it with little to no support at home or otherwise. Because i just feel like giving up at this point.

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  • locacrazysister
    locacrazysister Posts: 8 Member
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    He was sarcastic and isn't he often like when it's a serious topic. Maybe I'm overreacting
  • cmriverside
    cmriverside Posts: 34,124 Member
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    locacrazysister wrote: »
    He was sarcastic and isn't he often like when it's a serious topic. Maybe I'm overreacting

    I hope you can just blow it off. People say the "wrong" thing all the time.

    Maybe you could look around the forums and find some other people who are just starting and send them a friend request. I liked keeping up with other people on here when I first started and I even met several people from the site.

    You're going to do great. The boyfriend will come around. :)

  • missteena88
    missteena88 Posts: 153 Member
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    Get rid of him and get a dog. Problem solved.

    My second piece of advice would be to tell him to go kick bricks. Tell him you don't appreciate any ounce of negativity and if he isn't interested in supporting you, then he can keep his lips sealed about the topic.
  • cebreisch
    cebreisch Posts: 1,340 Member
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    My mother is "enemy number 1" on the "people who say crappy things without realizing it" list. It's like she knows just what to say to tick me off. Just the other day I said, "Hey - I've lost 7 pounds over the last 3 weeks." (I'm thinking to myself - and that was OVER CHRISTMAS and NEW YEARS!! - woohoo!). She said, "So - have you started going to a group? I think you do so much better when you're doing it with other people and it's harder for you if you do it yourself."

    WHAT??? No congrats. No "Hey - that's awesome". Right to the jugular...You can't possibly do this by yourself - so get people to help you. THANKS!!! Just what I needed. B**CH!!!

    Fortunately my husband isn't like that. He's lost 70 pounds before and has a better idea of what that means than my "size one civilian" mother who's probably never needed to lose more than 10 pounds in her life (or so it would seem).

    Thing is: I've discovered I just cannot talk about this journey with her. Can't do it. When I do, and she starts in, I can feel my blood pressure just fly up. There are friends in my life who I just cannot talk politics with. My mother is someone I cannot discuss my weight with. THat's just the way it is.

    THe alternative is to develop a "thicker skin" so that when he makes remarks that rub you the wrong way, you can blow it off.
  • Cave_Goose
    Cave_Goose Posts: 156 Member
    edited January 2017
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    I think the bigger problem is that you'd post a relationship issue like this to a group of strangers to find a solution. Why aren't you talking to him, or a friend, or someone who can advise you? This is not a healthy way to deal with it.
  • everher
    everher Posts: 909 Member
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    I wonder if someone talks to you like this about weight loss how else do they talk to you about other things?
  • MissBeeGonz
    MissBeeGonz Posts: 141 Member
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    If he makes you unhappy and doesn't support you dump him and find someone who wants the same things as you. There are so many fish in the sea you don't have to stay with him.
  • Rocknut53
    Rocknut53 Posts: 1,794 Member
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    Are you doing this for him or yourself? You want to give up because he said something you didn't like or doesn't support your efforts? I didn't expect support when I started this exactly a year ago. I got support after I started showing results for my hard work. I didn't talk about my goals with my husband, I'd failed so many times before I needed it to work for me before I could even talk about it with him.
  • ccsernica
    ccsernica Posts: 1,040 Member
    edited January 2017
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    cebreisch wrote: »
    My mother is "enemy number 1" on the "people who say crappy things without realizing it" list. It's like she knows just what to say to tick me off.

    It's like I always say: Mothers know exactly how to push your buttons. After all, she installed them herself.
  • Machka9
    Machka9 Posts: 25,208 Member
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    locacrazysister wrote: »
    I don't know how to address this. For the past week I have been logging my food and watching what I eat. Today my boyfriend of five years said "I love how every time you go to the gym you start to count your calories" as if I haven't even been trying. He basically demerited everything I have been doing for the last week. All the hard work I put in. And all the changes to my diet i'va been making. It's like being knocked down 4 of the 7 steps you have taken. I have no support here. I'm not here to wine. I'm here to ask others how they have made it with little to no support at home or otherwise. Because i just feel like giving up at this point.

    Is there a chance he is pointing out a pattern he has observed ... and maybe you didn't want to hear that?

    If there has been a pattern of going to the gym and counting your calories for a week or two and then stopping ... maybe this time, stick to it absolutely for a month ... and then two months ... and then three months ...

  • ninerbuff
    ninerbuff Posts: 48,709 Member
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    locacrazysister wrote: »
    I don't know how to address this. For the past week I have been logging my food and watching what I eat. Today my boyfriend of five years said "I love how every time you go to the gym you start to count your calories" as if I haven't even been trying. He basically demerited everything I have been doing for the last week. All the hard work I put in. And all the changes to my diet i'va been making. It's like being knocked down 4 of the 7 steps you have taken. I have no support here. I'm not here to wine. I'm here to ask others how they have made it with little to no support at home or otherwise. Because i just feel like giving up at this point.
    Because it's about you. Not about him or how he feels. In the real world, many people have no interest in how you work on self improvement. This is especially true with people close to you. Why? I believe the hard truth is that they DON'T want you to succeed because it's a reflection on them not having the same type of discipline. Hard work isn't for everyone, so just do you. Filter out what people say. If they don't like what you do, then it's THEIR problem.
    This has been a conversation that I've had to have with many clients.

    A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
    IDEA Fitness member
    Kickboxing Certified Instructor
    Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
    9285851.png
  • kaam_
    kaam_ Posts: 6 Member
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    locacrazysister wrote: »
    He was sarcastic and isn't he often like when it's a serious topic. Maybe I'm overreacting

    It seems you're hurt because you feel he doesn't care about you. Humour and sarcasm are often used as a way to devalue someone. Is he a narcisstic kind of person? Someone who always cares/talk/thinks about himself?

    Someone who truly loves you should be positive, supportive, empathetic, caring.
    You should talk to him about it. Tell him that you're hurt, that you need his support and ask him why he devalues you.
  • rhaewynsmom
    rhaewynsmom Posts: 1 Member
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    My fiance hates it when I log my foods... He has told me because it takes time away from us. I tried getting him to do it with me cause he keeps complaining about weight gain... But then he just says he knows what he's doing and can control his diet on his own. Counting calories is not a bad thing! It can help you recognize accurate portions, things that may bother your stomach, emotional eating patterns, etc... Plus, when you exercise, your caloric needs can change. It does seem overwhelming sometimes--especially to a person on the outside looking in. It does take time to do. Once you have stuff down, it becomes easier. Ask him to do a challenge maybe for a day or even take it to a week or a month! See if he will track everything that he eats and you do the same and buddy up. Having a buddy does help. I just have one person who is on the same page as I am. Everyone else complains we are "thin" enough and don't need to diet. Yet we're both considered obese by our BMI. It sucks, but having someone to talk and vent to about it does help. Even if it's online and not in person. Just to check in with once a day and see how your progress is going.

    You do have to change your mind set with this. People will get mad and try to make you feel bad because they feel like they are losing the person you were, but you are still the same. You just want to better yourself. Just tell yourself why you are doing this and remind others too. Ask them to not make such comments if it affects you in a negative way. If you need your boyfriend to say or do certain things to help with your progress, ask him! Best place to start is to communicate your needs. Like others have said, this is about you and it's your choice. No one is perfect, and you will have ups and downs--just keep at it. I hope you find the support you need for your journey. I wish you good luck!
  • Santeham
    Santeham Posts: 36 Member
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    Your not alone, replace 'boyfriend' with 'mum' and you have almost exactly the same post I made a couple hours ago. You need to remember that your doing this for you. If other people are happy around you when you lose weight, that's a bonus, but the most important person you are doing this for is you.
  • kenyonhaff
    kenyonhaff Posts: 1,377 Member
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    It's difficult when people around you aren't supporting your lifestyle changes. It's funny how sometimes even small changes can be perceived as a threat. How your calorie counting affects HIS life is probably fairly small.

    But I also wonder if you are adding in words, feelings, and assumptions that may or may not be there. You're saying he's "demerited" your efforts. No, actually YOU did that. I'm actually not entirely sure from your post that he actually meant it that way, or he was sarcastic. Or there was a misunderstanding. As others have mentioned, I think at that moment a "I'm sorry, what did you mean by that?" or "You sound upset by the fact I'm counting calories and going to the gym." would have been in order. You may be dealing with a passive agressive person who is afraid to actually say what's on his mind, and you might need to establish clear communication on the matter.

    But in any case that thought is still in your head now. Why? You know darn well that's how you will achieve your goal and if he has a problem with that goal that's HIS problem and not YOURS. Be clear on this. "No one can make you inferior without your consent,"--Elenor Roosevelt

    But as a couple, you will also need to sort this out. What is the real issue?
  • Lounmoun
    Lounmoun Posts: 8,426 Member
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    locacrazysister wrote: »
    I don't know how to address this. For the past week I have been logging my food and watching what I eat. Today my boyfriend of five years said "I love how every time you go to the gym you start to count your calories" as if I haven't even been trying. He basically demerited everything I have been doing for the last week. All the hard work I put in. And all the changes to my diet i'va been making. It's like being knocked down 4 of the 7 steps you have taken. I have no support here. I'm not here to wine. I'm here to ask others how they have made it with little to no support at home or otherwise. Because i just feel like giving up at this point.

    I would do some thinking and them talk again.
    Why are you making changes? Why would you give up after a week? Are your goals not important to you?
    What information have you given your boyfriend? Is he alarmed or frustrated at some of your changes? Do you have a history of making big changes and "falling off the wagon" in a few months? Do you get preachy or demanding about diet and exercise? Do you stop wanting to do activities you used to do with your boyfriend?
    Step back and think about if you are making this healthy and sustainable long term or being too extreme/restrictive. Talk to him about your goals and your plan. Listen to his concerns and respond calmly. Maybe some of his concerns are valid. Maybe they are not.


    My dh was concerned about my goals at first. We conversed about how I was going to lose weight at a healthy rate (1 lb a week), needed to lose 30+ lbs to get to a healthy weight and have a better quality of life, was not doing a total diet overhaul just eating the appropriate portions, was not going to exercise for hours a day. No one else had to eat differently. I don't talk about dieting constantly. I've been counting calories for over 2 years now and it doesn't bother anyone. He just wants me to be healthy and happy ultimately.

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