helpful or just mean

tamera_g
tamera_g Posts: 128 Member
edited November 14 in Motivation and Support
I have always had this fantasy of having plastic surgery to get rid of my lower stomach. No matter how hard I work out, it won't go away. So this year my husband said that he could make that happen. I was very surprised. This was a Fantasy, meaning I never thought it could happen. But I told him to give me a year to diet and then I will go to see what the doctor says.
My husband didn't like this response. If I let him do this for me, he will have certain expectations of me like Never eating my favorite junk food again and sticking to my diet strictly. I'm not sure I can do this and I am not sure I want to give him that much power over me.
This morning he sent me an email saying that as an extra incentive to lose weight, he wouldn't have sex with me until my BMI is at or below 25. My BMI has not been 25 since my first year of college and I am 36. I am trying to see his side of the story but all I can feel is hurt. What should I do? Does he have my best interest at heart or is he just being mean?
«1

Replies

  • Sabine_Stroehm
    Sabine_Stroehm Posts: 19,263 Member
    not_my_first_rodeo wrote: »
    All kinds of red flags here. This does not sound good.

    +1
  • Lisa_ASD_Mummy
    Lisa_ASD_Mummy Posts: 36 Member
    This isn't kind or helpful, what are his motives? They don't sound like they are in your best interests to me. He is been mean.
  • elizakristofferstuen7370
    elizakristofferstuen7370 Posts: 17 Member
    Mean! I wouldn't put up with any thing close to that from my husband >:)
  • Need2Exerc1se
    Need2Exerc1se Posts: 13,575 Member
    TavistockToad wrote: »
    He's having sex with someone else

    Hopefully not, but I must admit this was first thought.

    Any chance he was joking?
  • Anna_137
    Anna_137 Posts: 167 Member
    Of course it's mean. What next? Is he going to start sleeping with other women if you don't lose weight? And why on earth would he say that in an email?

    I'm so sorry that your husband isn't being more supportive.
  • Reaverie
    Reaverie Posts: 405 Member
    Sorry, but I have to agree with the red flag warnings. This isnt "natural". Either A..he is a cheating scumbag. B..He is an abusive control freak (and yes, exerting control over another by bullying to get their way IS abuse.) Or C..For some odd inexplicable reason he actually thinks this is some new sort of support system that he has adopted and believes himself to be helpful. Only you can know if C is the truth of the matter or not by examining your lives together up to this point. Has he ALWAYS be a grade A AS$ or is this a complete and utter shock to you that he would ever be this hateful?

    What was he like before this? Yesterday? Last week? Last month? Last 6 months? Last few years?
    If this is ongoing he is a bully. If this is more recent he could be cheating. If this is sudden, like yesterday he was a saint and today is satan.. he may believe he is being supportive and doesnt realize the damage his words have on you. Either way, communtication is key. ASK him.. but in such a way he doesnt feel like he is being attacked. Instinct is to attack those who hurt us. But remember, a witch burns at the stake. A maiden captures the heart of the prince.
  • FitnessGirl11mfp
    FitnessGirl11mfp Posts: 232 Member
    Oh my gosh, what an *kitten*! I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. I can't imagine how he has your best interest at heart. It sounds like his motives are completely selfish and I agree with the others that this sounds like an unhealthy relationship. You don't need to put up with that. Ugh this makes me so mad for you!
  • WickedPineapple
    WickedPineapple Posts: 698 Member
    tamera_g wrote: »
    I have always had this fantasy of having plastic surgery to get rid of my lower stomach. No matter how hard I work out, it won't go away. So this year my husband said that he could make that happen. I was very surprised. This was a Fantasy, meaning I never thought it could happen. But I told him to give me a year to diet and then I will go to see what the doctor says.

    This all seems very reasonable. Surgery is always risky.
    tamera_g wrote: »
    My husband didn't like this response. If I let him do this for me, he will have certain expectations of me like Never eating my favorite junk food again and sticking to my diet strictly. I'm not sure I can do this and I am not sure I want to give him that much power over me.

    Did he say he had these expectations or are they assumptions on your part? Either way, it's not good. Also, the bolded screams trust issues.
    tamera_g wrote: »
    This morning he sent me an email saying that as an extra incentive to lose weight, he wouldn't have sex with me until my BMI is at or below 25. My BMI has not been 25 since my first year of college and I am 36. I am trying to see his side of the story but all I can feel is hurt. What should I do? Does he have my best interest at heart or is he just being mean?

    This went downhill fast. I don't know what his interests are, but they do not coincide with yours.
  • rsclause
    rsclause Posts: 3,103 Member
    Sex is a two way street. If one withholds it from the other than nether gets it or.....Any way it is a pretty crappy "incentive". Emails do a poor job at conveying inflection and humor so give him a chance to apologize and move on. I had an enormous beer gut for years til my son poked it and asked "when is it due". I came here and lost it completely, all fifty three pounds of it. Bottom line is I could not get rid of it until I got my body fat down to about 15%. I counted calories and started running. I eventually got up to 35 miles a week so it took some work but I got there. I have put some back on but I know how to get it back off.
  • CharlieBeansmomTracey
    CharlieBeansmomTracey Posts: 7,682 Member
    wow so much for accepting you for you. he sounds like a dick and wants arm candy to parade around or whatever. he doesnt care about you if hes making these ultimatums. they may sound like suggestions to him but to me sounds like either you lose weight and become what he wants you to be or else.
  • Lounmoun
    Lounmoun Posts: 8,423 Member
    tamera_g wrote: »
    I have always had this fantasy of having plastic surgery to get rid of my lower stomach. No matter how hard I work out, it won't go away. So this year my husband said that he could make that happen. I was very surprised. This was a Fantasy, meaning I never thought it could happen. But I told him to give me a year to diet and then I will go to see what the doctor says.
    My husband didn't like this response. If I let him do this for me, he will have certain expectations of me like Never eating my favorite junk food again and sticking to my diet strictly. I'm not sure I can do this and I am not sure I want to give him that much power over me.
    This morning he sent me an email saying that as an extra incentive to lose weight, he wouldn't have sex with me until my BMI is at or below 25. My BMI has not been 25 since my first year of college and I am 36. I am trying to see his side of the story but all I can feel is hurt. What should I do? Does he have my best interest at heart or is he just being mean?

    Not helpful and pretty messed up.

    These things about your body like surgery or what size you will be are your decision. Your plan to try on your own for a year and then consult your doctor was reasonanable. Your dh pushing for a fast transformation is bad. He does not seem to have your health and happiness in mind.
    Witholding sex until you are at a certain weight is emotionally manipulative. I can go without sex for a lot longer than my dh... like he would be going crazy after a week. That would also make me wonder if he was up to something.
    I would do some thinking about your marriage.

    BTW, losing weight does mean giving up foods but simply eating the appropriate amount of calories to have a deficit. You don't have to completely overhaul your diet.
  • SweatsOnSunday
    SweatsOnSunday Posts: 514 Member
    Stella3838 wrote: »
    TavistockToad wrote: »
    He's having sex with someone else

    I'd be inclined to agree. Most dudes won't easily give up sex if they get it on a somewhat regular basis. Otherwise, it's a d*ck move.

    Agreed. I thought "dick" as soon as I read it.

    I don't know your circumstances, or whether he's going through something in his own head. But 2 things come to mind:
    1. a spouse is a partner -- a go-to person, and you do not give ultimatums to a partner; and
    2. since when is sex a one-way street? Two to tango, and all that. There may come a time where you'll look at him and just say, "No, thanks."
  • Zinka61
    Zinka61 Posts: 563 Member
    You deserve better than this.
  • lauracups
    lauracups Posts: 533 Member
    If you stay with him, you're telling him his behavior is acceptable. As far as others have commented regarding deserving better or infidelity, I do not believe in the concept of "deserve ". There's what we work for, there's what we are graced with and there's a whole abyss of "unfair " that we learn to navigate. It's time to navigate what your comfortable with body, mind, relationship.
  • momar74
    momar74 Posts: 56 Member
    blackcoffeeandcherrypie wrote: »
    tamera_g wrote: »
    I am trying to see his side of the story...

    What does 'his side of the story' have to do with your body? It's your body, it's all your side of the story. This is him trying to control your body with fear and blackmail.

    Whatever he says now is just him wriggling to get off the hook he put himself on, while he thought he was putting you on the hook.

    Whatever you do now, teaches him whether or not he can do this again. Be firm.

    I agree with blackcoffeeandcherrypie. This is all about control & manipulation.
  • YogaBookLady37
    YogaBookLady37 Posts: 34 Member
    That's not helpful or mean. It's abusive.
This discussion has been closed.

Categories