Unintentionally unsupportive spouse?
losingitandkeepingitoff
Posts: 20 Member
Hey! I have a question. How do (or would) you deal with an unintentionally unsupportive spouse? My husband is great. Wonderful father, best friend, etc. - you know the gist. But when it comes to my wanting to lose weight, he always tells me that I 'look fine exactly how I am' and he 'loves me just how I am' and then I get the 'if I love your body the way it is, why do you even want to lose weight?'... I'm 5'4" and over 175lbs. I'm WELL overweight- technically obese right now. What's the best way to go about this without hurting his feelings? TIA
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Replies
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Give him a hug and then just change the subject? He sounds lovely but you might need to get your weight loss encouragement from elsewhere (eg here).22
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CattOfTheGarage wrote: »Give him a hug and then just change the subject? He sounds lovely but you might need to get your weight loss encouragement from elsewhere (eg here).
Thank you! That's actually not a bad idea.
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My go-to has always been "I'm really glad that I have your support no matter my weight, and I know you love me for more than my body and I really appreciate that. I would feel better about myself and be much healthier if I lost weight, so I'm going to work hard to do this, and I would love your support."27
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"Because I want to live a long healthy life with you...."17
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If you want to lose weight then lose weight. Are you looking for his permission? Doesn't sound like he is being unsupportive.4
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Aww, he sounds sweet :-) Maybe try approaching it from a different angle, like "I love that you don't think I should change my weight, but I need to do this for my health."3
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If you want to lose weight then lose weight. Are you looking for his permission? Doesn't sound like he is being unsupportive.
I'm working hard to lose weight. I was at 210 in December of 2015, and have kind of stalled since July 2016. When I say I don't want something, he pushes and pushes until I eat it. He purposely buys me pop and snacks knowing I don't 'want' them (and also knowing I won't waste them). He's not a bad guy and I don't think he's intentionally doing anything (hence the title), I just feel like he doesn't want me to lose weight and is doing what he can to stop the loss or slow it down. Ya know?1 -
Do you think he's trying to get you to keep the weight on? Like maybe he's worried you'll leave him if you lose it? Or do you think he's just trying to be supportive / not be like husbands who pressure their wives to lose weight? My husband is the latter type. Sometimes I think, "Dude, you can be honest with me. I'm not dumb! I know I'm fat!" But that's kinda different than trying to dissuade a spouse from losing weight / changing / improving in some way. Edited to add: Are you worried it's one vs the other?3
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My go-to has always been "I'm really glad that I have your support no matter my weight, and I know you love me for more than my body and I really appreciate that. I would feel better about myself and be much healthier if I lost weight, so I'm going to work hard to do this, and I would love your support."
Love this - thank you!Ready2Rock206 wrote: »"Because I want to live a long healthy life with you...."
I've definitely said that more than once.Aww, he sounds sweet :-) Maybe try approaching it from a different angle, like "I love that you don't think I should change my weight, but I need to do this for my health."
He is very sweet.
I do love that he loves me even when I look like this, but I hate that sometimes it seems like he's purposely (even if unintentionally) sabotaging me. [If that makes ANY sense? lol] 0 -
losingitandkeepingitoff wrote: »CattOfTheGarage wrote: »Give him a hug and then just change the subject? He sounds lovely but you might need to get your weight loss encouragement from elsewhere (eg here).
Thank you! That's actually not a bad idea.
This is the best advice. It's difficult when changing up habits not to be all about it and then we wonder why people in our lives respond the way they do. What's he supposed to say? "Yeah you could do with dropping a few, you're getting kinda wide?" If the conversation gets more about how he feels about your body and that you should attend to those preferences, that's a different thread entirely.1 -
Heather_MXP wrote: »Do you think he's trying to get you to keep the weight on? Like maybe he's worried you'll leave him if you lose it? Or do you think he's just trying to be supportive / not be like husbands who pressure their wives to lose weight? My husband is the latter type. Sometimes I think, "Dude, you can be honest with me. I'm not dumb! I know I'm fat!" But that's kinda different than trying to dissuade a spouse from losing weight / changing / improving in some way.
Honestly? I think he is trying to get me to keep the weight on. Like there have been times he specifically said 'I don't want you to lose any weight." BUT he follows that with the 'I love you the way you are', and how can I be mad at that. Ya know? I do think he has fears of me leaving if I get tiny - but they are completely unfounded. I would not leave him - regardless of my size - and have never given him reason to believe otherwise. And I don't want to get 'tiny' - my goal is 135-145. Just want to get to a 'healthy' range. 0 -
Whatever you do, you must do for yourself, and no one else. That's the only way you will be successful. You might try explaining to your husband your "why", and he would be more understanding and supportive. Him being unintentionally unsupportive could have to do more with his own feelings or insecurities than yours.6
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losingitandkeepingitoff wrote: »If you want to lose weight then lose weight. Are you looking for his permission? Doesn't sound like he is being unsupportive.
I'm working hard to lose weight. I was at 210 in December of 2015, and have kind of stalled since July 2016. When I say I don't want something, he pushes and pushes until I eat it. He purposely buys me pop and snacks knowing I don't 'want' them (and also knowing I won't waste them). He's not a bad guy and I don't think he's intentionally doing anything (hence the title), I just feel like he doesn't want me to lose weight and is doing what he can to stop the loss or slow it down. Ya know?
I told my OH that MFP works like budgeting - I get a calorie budget. When he suggests something that I don't have calories for I tell him that, and he drops it.11 -
losingitandkeepingitoff wrote: »Hey! I have a question. How do (or would) you deal with an unintentionally unsupportive spouse? My husband is great. Wonderful father, best friend, etc. - you know the gist. But when it comes to my wanting to lose weight, he always tells me that I 'look fine exactly how I am' and he 'loves me just how I am' and then I get the 'if I love your body the way it is, why do you even want to lose weight?'... I'm 5'4" and over 175lbs. I'm WELL overweight- technically obese right now. What's the best way to go about this without hurting his feelings? TIA
That right there tells me he is feeling insecure...just reassure him it's about health not "getting hot" for anyone but him and yourself.
My husband told me I looked fine too...and he loved me at any size...and he has proved it...let yours.5 -
MelanieCN77 wrote: »losingitandkeepingitoff wrote: »CattOfTheGarage wrote: »Give him a hug and then just change the subject? He sounds lovely but you might need to get your weight loss encouragement from elsewhere (eg here).
Thank you! That's actually not a bad idea.
This is the best advice. It's difficult when changing up habits not to be all about it and then we wonder why people in our lives respond the way they do. What's he supposed to say? "Yeah you could do with dropping a few, you're getting kinda wide?" If the conversation gets more about how he feels about your body and that you should attend to those preferences, that's a different thread entirely.
Yes! Maybe I didn't title this very well? I was having trouble with the wording and how to say what I was thinking, Ya know? In all honestly, I'd rather he just say "you need to lose some weight", but I honestly think he really believes that I don't need to - because HE doesn't want me to. Does that make sense?0 -
When I decided to start losing weight, I didn't ask/tell/include anyone in my plans. It was my project, and none of anyone else's business...including my husband. I worked out, counted my calories, and lost weight on my own with very little to-do made out of it. Unless you're trying to get him to lose weight with you, there's no reason to continue discussing it with him...just do your thing and as you start losing weight, I'm sure he'll notice and compliment you.
If you really feel like you owe him an answer to his "why do you want to lose weight?", a good reply might be that you're technically obese and that isn't healthy for your body, so you're losing weight to prevent future medical conditions.7 -
losingitandkeepingitoff wrote: »Hey! I have a question. How do (or would) you deal with an unintentionally unsupportive spouse? My husband is great. Wonderful father, best friend, etc. - you know the gist. But when it comes to my wanting to lose weight, he always tells me that I 'look fine exactly how I am' and he 'loves me just how I am' and then I get the 'if I love your body the way it is, why do you even want to lose weight?'... I'm 5'4" and over 175lbs. I'm WELL overweight- technically obese right now. What's the best way to go about this without hurting his feelings? TIA
That right there tells me he is feeling insecure...just reassure him it's about health not "getting hot" for anyone but him and yourself.
My husband told me I looked fine too...and he loved me at any size...and he has proved it...let yours.
I LOVE your response. thank you! I do agree there is some insecurity there. I will definitely be talking to him tonight to make sure we're on the same page with this. 
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My go-to has always been "I'm really glad that I have your support no matter my weight, and I know you love me for more than my body and I really appreciate that. I would feel better about myself and be much healthier if I lost weight, so I'm going to work hard to do this, and I would love your support."
That seems like a very good answer. Maybe your husband is just worried you're not happy or you don't like yourself. You can tell him that he's wonderful and it's appreciated that he supports you at any weight, but for your own health and wellbeing, you're trying to make this change now.1 -
MotherOfSharpei wrote: »When I decided to start losing weight, I didn't ask/tell/include anyone in my plans. It was my project, and none of anyone else's business...including my husband. I worked out, counted my calories, and lost weight on my own with very little to-do made out of it. Unless you're trying to get him to lose weight with you, there's no reason to continue discussing it with him...just do your thing and as you start losing weight, I'm sure he'll notice and compliment you.
If you really feel like you owe him an answer to his "why do you want to lose weight?", a good reply might be that you're technically obese and that isn't healthy for your body, so you're losing weight to prevent future medical conditions.
Thank you! I have told him that I'm obese and he doesn't believe it. I do carry my weight fairly well, but still. Thanks for your input - much appreciated!0 -
losingitandkeepingitoff wrote: »Honestly? I think he is trying to get me to keep the weight on. Like there have been times he specifically said 'I don't want you to lose any weight." BUT he follows that with the 'I love you the way you are', and how can I be mad at that. Ya know? I do think he has fears of me leaving if I get tiny - but they are completely unfounded. I would not leave him - regardless of my size - and have never given him reason to believe otherwise. And I don't want to get 'tiny' - my goal is 135-145. Just want to get to a 'healthy' range.
I agree with SezxyStef. He'll probably just have to see over time that his worries about you leaving him were wrong.2 -
NorthRiver wrote: »My go-to has always been "I'm really glad that I have your support no matter my weight, and I know you love me for more than my body and I really appreciate that. I would feel better about myself and be much healthier if I lost weight, so I'm going to work hard to do this, and I would love your support."
That seems like a very good answer. Maybe your husband is just worried you're not happy or you don't like yourself. You can tell him that he's wonderful and it's appreciated that he supports you at any weight, but for your own health and wellbeing, you're trying to make this change now.
Definitely love the way you worded this - thank you!1 -
Heather_MXP wrote: »losingitandkeepingitoff wrote: »Honestly? I think he is trying to get me to keep the weight on. Like there have been times he specifically said 'I don't want you to lose any weight." BUT he follows that with the 'I love you the way you are', and how can I be mad at that. Ya know? I do think he has fears of me leaving if I get tiny - but they are completely unfounded. I would not leave him - regardless of my size - and have never given him reason to believe otherwise. And I don't want to get 'tiny' - my goal is 135-145. Just want to get to a 'healthy' range.
I agree with SezxyStef. He'll probably just have to see over time that his worries about you leaving him were wrong.
Thank you!0 -
I usually just stick with the "wanting to be more healthy" line, but the last 15 lbs I lost were pure vanity, I was already a healthy weight, so I just told him it didn't matter if he liked my fluffy belly or not, I was tired of it and it's my body so it was going away and he could help or he could be quiet but getting in the way of my progress was not an option. Now that the 15 lbs is gone he's totally crazy about my body STILL, it really didn't make a bit of difference to him, but I'm happier and that makes a difference to me!7
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tcunbeliever wrote: »I usually just stick with the "wanting to be more healthy" line, but the last 15 lbs I lost were pure vanity, I was already a healthy weight, so I just told him it didn't matter if he liked my fluffy belly or not, I was tired of it and it's my body so it was going away and he could help or he could be quiet but getting in the way of my progress was not an option. Now that the 15 lbs is gone he's totally crazy about my body STILL, it really didn't make a bit of difference to him, but I'm happier and that makes a difference to me!
That is awesome! I've actually thought of just doing what I have to without saying a word to him, as other posters have suggested, but he's a stay at home dad - so we see each other a lot when I'm home. He sees my food scale, we do the grocery shopping together, we eat our meals together, etc. Ya know?
Thank you!0 -
losingitandkeepingitoff wrote: »Hey! I have a question. How do (or would) you deal with an unintentionally unsupportive spouse? My husband is great. Wonderful father, best friend, etc. - you know the gist. But when it comes to my wanting to lose weight, he always tells me that I 'look fine exactly how I am' and he 'loves me just how I am' and then I get the 'if I love your body the way it is, why do you even want to lose weight?'... I'm 5'4" and over 175lbs. I'm WELL overweight- technically obese right now. What's the best way to go about this without hurting his feelings? TIA
You say, " This weight is damaging to my continued health and happiness. Wanting to be healthy weight is not about how I look or how much you love me but how I feel and function. I'm sure you want the best for me. I am going to do this in a safe and healthy way. " Explain to him how your current weight makes you feel physically and emotionally. Explain that you are you no matter what you weigh. He doesn't have to agree that you need to lose weight or be a cheerleader. He just has to be respectful of your reasonable choice for your own body.
I am your height and was 179 lbs. I was in pain a lot. I was short of breath often just going up the stairs in my house. I didn't sleep well. I was slow and weak. My legs hurt walking a few blocks. I couldn't keep up with others while walking. I was without energy. I had a lot of trouble buying clothes that fit. I was also not thrilled with my appearance. Mostly I wanted a good quality of life because I deserve to feel good. Losing 20 lbs made a huge difference. I didn't realize how bad I had been feeling until I started to feel better. That is still overweight but so much better.
I'm aiming for somewhere between 125-145 lbs.
Good luck to you.
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Why tell him you're losing weight? Why do you need his approval? Am I missing something here?1
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Mine keeps asking if I want any chocolate or cake
Then stuffs them in front of me
I'd be at goal now if it wasn't for him I swear lol2 -
He can buy all he wants and ask you to eat more, but unless you are being unhealthy about your weight loss then you have to decide for you about what you eat and drink.1
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Be careful what you wish for. Mine supported me by eating right and lost 70 pounds, while I lost 30 7
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bexilashious wrote: »Mine keeps asking if I want any chocolate or cake
Then stuffs them in front of me
I'd be at goal now if it wasn't for him I swear lol
Yes. So much yes. This exactly.1
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