Vent about spouse not being supportive

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deneenae
deneenae Posts: 97 Member
edited February 2017 in Motivation and Support
So I suggested to my husband he try cooking healthier and he started freaking out. He said I was trying to change him as a person. He said the way he cooks is who he is. I had no idea how to respond to that. I wanted to half laugh and half get upset. Like, really? Eating more vegetables will change a person? He made it seem I was attacking him as a person and judging his worth as a human. One sentence and that's all it took for him to say I wanted to change him.

I should note he currently doesn't cook and I'm the one that provides healthy meals. He said he wanted to cook more at home and that I should be fine with him cooking unhealthy foods. He basically said if he were to cook, I should be ok and eat whatever he makes. I should also note that I'm almost an RD (Registered Dietitian) so it gets me upset that he acts like this is the first time ever I've introduced the words "health" into the house. I said "all people have the capacity to change" and I wasn't trying to change him as a person... I just suggested cooking healthier. I really was shocked at this, I just couldn't gather the words to explain I am not trying to change him.

I should also note that he has high blood pressure, is sedentary, and always complains how "chubby" he is. I provide all sorts of healthier foods for us, and include treats in moderation, but he manages to eat extra food (sometimes to the point of him getting sick) or go to a nearby fast food restaurant to fill up. I just really am in shock... I'm sure I said stupid stuff but I am just upset that he posed this as an affront to his worth as a human. Ugh...

Replies

  • courtneyfabulous
    courtneyfabulous Posts: 1,863 Member
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    Sounds like he needs a therapist
  • CafeRacer808
    CafeRacer808 Posts: 2,396 Member
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    deneenae wrote: »
    He said he wanted to cook more at home and that I should be fine with him cooking unhealthy foods. He basically said if he were to cook, I should be ok and eat whatever he makes.

    Let me get this straight...he's freaking out on you for trying to change him, and yet he wants you to change your diet (noun, not verb) to conform to his unhealthy cooking? Wow.

    I agree with the above. Your husband seems to have some issues and he should probably try to work them out with a therapist. How long have you two been married, if you don't mind me asking?
  • Canehdn
    Canehdn Posts: 122 Member
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    Too bad for him. Some people are unwilling to make changes to reach their goals. They complain but take no action.
    It's a shame but they are who they are.
  • deneenae
    deneenae Posts: 97 Member
    edited February 2017
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    For real. I just really didn't know how to respond. The argument in itself was crazy. All I could say was I am not trying to change him.

    We've known each other for 9 years and married for 3. I think he thinks the word "healthy" implies worthiness. We are able to talk openly and we have good debates about environment vs. individual behaviors re: eating, so this caught me by surprise.

    I think there was definitely some defensiveness going on. I really didn't mean to confront him. Sometimes he says to me "I bet you want me skinny". I tell him I just want him to be healthy, and not skinny. I feel like he's just projecting his guilt and is baiting me. He knows he can't keep this up... I will say he's made some changes and tries to walk more, but I do think there is some insecurity. I try to encourage him on doing his walks, so yeah....

    Only so much I can do. I've offered to go to the gym, do weights with him, walk more with him but still he gets like that. I've been working out pretty consistently for past 3 years, so I don't mind extra sessions....
  • jennybearlv
    jennybearlv Posts: 1,519 Member
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    You are trying to change him. You asked him to cook healthy. That is a change to his behavior. I am the cook in my house and want to strangle my husband every time he tells me how I should be cooking. If your husband wants to cook just be grateful he's contributing. You can eat "unhealthy" foods in moderation on his cooking days. If there aren't enough vegetables you can easily supplement with a side salad.

    You can not make other people change their habits and lifestyles. It doesn't work that way. You can make gentle recommendations, preferably during the planning stages, but a cook enjoys having their own creativity. He is aware that he is not in perfect health and may someday want to do something about it, but until then all you can do is encourage him and set a good example.
  • ninerbuff
    ninerbuff Posts: 48,523 Member
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    Unfortunately people seem to think that endeavors they want should somewhat be supported by their SO's. But what if that SO isn't at all interested in it? Should they feel bad that they aren't?

    A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
    IDEA Fitness member
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    Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
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  • sewiggle
    sewiggle Posts: 50 Member
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    You had every right to have your input and should not be expected to eat unhealthily for him. Asking your partner to consider cooking some healthy meals is definitely not you trying to change him, unless he's only cooking for himself, in which case let him cook whatever he wants. It definitely sounds like there are more complex issues with your husband which need confronting as it is not normal behaviour to explode at someone for something so trivial or eat until you are sick. Just remember that not everyone can be saved. Best of luck.
  • Tretop76
    Tretop76 Posts: 256 Member
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    So I suggested to my husband he try cooking healthier and he started freaking out. He said I was trying to change him as a person. ........


    ^^^that statement made me burst out laughing! Seems like this presidency has made people lose their minds. Sounds like he has bigger issues than vegetables. Good luck with that!
  • distinctlybeautiful
    distinctlybeautiful Posts: 1,041 Member
    edited February 2017
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    Did he actually tell you he thinks you're attacking his worthiness as a human being or just that he feels you're trying to change him? I suppose it sounds kind of ridiculous to say that changing a person's cooking is like changing the person himself, but at the same time eating is a huge part of a person's life. An overhaul in cooking and eating habits can make a huge difference and can require serious changes in a person's approach to food, and I think it's not totally unreasonable to feel a threatened by that. And if he is insecure, like you mentioned, it could feel hurtful. It's not to say that it justifies him freaking out if that's what he did, but I don't think it's crazy either.
  • TavistockToad
    TavistockToad Posts: 35,719 Member
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    deneenae wrote: »
    So I suggested to my husband he try cooking healthier and he started freaking out. He said I was trying to change him as a person. He said the way he cooks is who he is. I had no idea how to respond to that. I wanted to half laugh and half get upset. Like, really? Eating more vegetables will change a person? He made it seem I was attacking him as a person and judging his worth as a human. One sentence and that's all it took for him to say I wanted to change him.

    I should note he currently doesn't cook and I'm the one that provides healthy meals. He said he wanted to cook more at home and that I should be fine with him cooking unhealthy foods. He basically said if he were to cook, I should be ok and eat whatever he makes. I should also note that I'm almost an RD (Registered Dietitian) so it gets me upset that he acts like this is the first time ever I've introduced the words "health" into the house. I said "all people have the capacity to change" and I wasn't trying to change him as a person... I just suggested cooking healthier. I really was shocked at this, I just couldn't gather the words to explain I am not trying to change him.

    I should also note that he has high blood pressure, is sedentary, and always complains how "chubby" he is. I provide all sorts of healthier foods for us, and include treats in moderation, but he manages to eat extra food (sometimes to the point of him getting sick) or go to a nearby fast food restaurant to fill up. I just really am in shock... I'm sure I said stupid stuff but I am just upset that he posed this as an affront to his worth as a human. Ugh...

    you said 'maybe we should try some healthier recipes...'

    he heard 'you're fat and disgusting i'm going to leave you and have sex with someone with a 6 pack....'
  • unrelentingminx
    unrelentingminx Posts: 231 Member
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    My ex and I had completely incompatible eating habits when we lived together. I'm calorie counting, try to get my 5 a day, and enjoy trying new foods and recipes. He eats meat, potatoes (inc. chips, wedges, fries) and bread. I don't think I ever saw him cook a vegetable for himself.
    Our solution - I cooked for me, he cooked for him. During the week I would get home earlier anyway so instead of having to wait for him, I would see to myself and then he would cook his own when he got in. The only meals we shared were on the weekend when I would normally do a roast dinner with trimmings.

    As to your predicament, if your hubby himself is referring to his meals as 'unhealthy' then that should be his clue as to why he is staying 'chubby.' It might be that he automatically assumes healthy means tasteless, boring and bland. If he is really keen to cook more (which you should give him some credit for, plenty of people are happy to watch their partners do the food each and every night), perhaps you could agree that one night per week he can cut loose and cook what he wants, but the rest of the week needs to be balanced. If you know what day he's cooking his 'unhealthy' meal, you can plan for it and compensate for it. If you plan your meals together, regardless of who is doing the cooking, he may learn that there are plenty of healthy meals out there that taste fantastic.
  • snowflake954
    snowflake954 Posts: 8,399 Member
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    I agree that your husband sounds insecure. He doesn't want to change right now--that's his choice. He's offering to cook because he wants to eat what he wants. Thank him for cooking, and you do your vegetables, or a salad as a (big) side for yourself. Eat a little of what he's making. Don't stress your marriage over it. He'll come around when he wants to all by himself, if he wants to.
  • jemhh
    jemhh Posts: 14,261 Member
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    Perhaps you should talk this out with him instead of telling the world about it online while showing your face so anybody you happen to know IRL can stumble onto this. Alternatively, take your picture down so it's more anonymous.

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