Tools to deal with an unsupportive spouse.
tealtortoise
Posts: 53 Member
Hi All, this is my first post on MFP. I am looking for some help dealing with an unsupportive husband. I have always struggled to stay at a normal weight. In the past I was able to do it by going to the gym 6 days a weeks with healthy eating. Since I have had my son three years ago, it became a struggle. As a full time working mother, I am simply not willing to be away from my child after a long day. On the weekends, if I ask my husband to help, he will, but I pay for it in other ways (i.e.: he is in a bad mood, etc). So, I pretty much can only work-out during nap time on the weekends. That said, it's not enough. So, I have started a diet plan that is working for me that includes some fasting. I still cook meals for my husband and son during this time. My son and I also grocery shop together every Saturday and I bring home a full cart of things he can eat (i.e.: sandwiches, etc). That said, he still will fire up the oven and put a frozen pizza in the oven at 9pm at night. I have asked him not to do this on days I am fasting and he dosen't care. It actually causes me physical pain to smell it when I am at the end of my fast. I have a hard time relating to this kind of ignorance and it makes me want to cry that he is so inconsiderate, especially since I try so hard so that my fast days won't affect him or my son. Any advice?
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I actually think it is you being inconsiderate.
Why can't he eat pizza in his own home? He hasn't chosen to fast, he is an adult who makes his own choices.
You have to learn to be around food, control yourself around it.16 -
Stop fasting. You can definitely get in workouts that you don't realize you have time for. When you're doing laundry, do the stairs repeatedly. When you're at work waiting for someone to email you, do some lunges.
You don't need to fast because you can easily lose weight without it. You can't always get other people to be on board with your changes.
With that being said, I would be murdered if I did that to my wife. She would probably empty the oven every time into the yard.6 -
Sorry but I have to agree that your husband is an adult and shouldn't have to suffer just because you are. Learn to compromise with him instead. Get him his favorite snacks and ask him to please keep them in the room in his drawer and you stay out when he is munching or see if he can hang at a friends house for pizza night. Or you can go to the room and light a bunch of incense. I hate it when my kids bake brownies or cookies (my weakness), so the deal is, make them then take them to your rooms. The whole tray. I don't want to smell them! It works for me. Once out of the kitchen I feel no compulsion to seek them out.4
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There are so many body weight exercises. I exercise nearly every day and my son plays soccer and table tennis. My partner does no exercise whatsoever and eats what he wants. When we eat together we enjoy our food. I tend to eat more greens and eat the carbs. My partner is very supportive of me and often says I put him to shame. He does shift work and has irregular eating patterns but I don't make it an issue and neither does he. I used to obsess about what my son was eating and it upset him. Since I stopped we're cool.
The reason why I mention the above is that this is your journey so concentrate on what you're doing. Think about the exercises you can do and, as a poster said before, your husband should be able to eat what he wants, when he wants in his house. There needs to be a balance. I think your husband would be more supportive if he saw that you were enjoying what you're doing. Again, think about what you can do and enjoy the process!1 -
@tealtortoise - can you give us some more details about your fasting? How long, how often, etc.
May I ask if your husband is overweight? Very often this can be a source of the resentment. You're ready to change and he isn't.
Regardless, you're an adult and so is he. You have no right to try and restrict his eating habits to accommodate yours. Insisting on this (seeing as how he's already giving you plenty of indication that he's not about to compromise) will only escalate the tension in your home.
You need to find ways to make his choices less impactful on you.
Also agree with there being plenty of exercises you can do from home. Ones that don't take a lot of time and can be done whenever you have a few minutes here and there.
But remember that weight loss happens primarily in the kitchen, not in the gym. This part of your post makes me think you might have had it the other way around - that you've used exercise in the past as your means of weight control.
"So, I pretty much can only work-out during nap time on the weekends. That said, it's not enough. So, I have started a diet plan that is working for me that includes some fasting."
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I totally disagree with most of these replies. I should be able to do what I want when I want in my own house too, but I choose not to play loud music when my family is sleeping because it's inconsiderate and so is eating smelly food while your spouse is fasting.
Chips are my Achilles heel and I struggle to be successful in my eating plan when they're in the house. My husband loves them and eats them at work or when he's out, but I don't keep them in the house.
If you and your son are doing the grocery shopping, I'd suggest you just stop buying pizza. Maybe order it in for them on the odd night that you're not home for supper. It's not unreasonable to ask your husband to avoid that one item anymore than you'd ask him not to smoke around you or something. Marriage is compromise and weight loss is hard enough without sabotage.
As far as working out goes, in addition to going to the gym on the weekends, I'd suggest including your son in working out at home. My kids love doing planks and squats with me and we often find something on Youtube to move around to. I think it sets a great example for them and they talk about being fit and strong like Mom9 -
Couple of things. 1. IMO it is unfair to ask someone to completely change how they eat/not make something you can smell because you are fasting. That would put me in a bad mood too.
2. Have you asked him why he seems to be unhappy about you going to the gym? It could be some insecurities coming up that talking about may help. Explain WHY you want to go and how you want his support.
3. My two cents: stop fasting, it is not something you can keep up and clearly is an issue since you are in actual pain to smell pizza while fasting.
4. My husband is thin and muscular, he likes pizza, I like pizza but am trying to lose weight. So I will have a small slice or two and a nice filling salad or side of vegetables with my pizza.1 -
Not even remotely the same thing. Everyone needs proper sleep. Everyone. But it is the OP's choice to lose weight and that shouldn't automatically impact on her husband.I totally disagree with most of these replies. I should be able to do what I want when I want in my own house too, but I choose not to play loud music when my family is sleeping because it's inconsiderate and so is eating smelly food while your spouse is fasting.
Another unrealistic comparison. Secondhand smoke being compared to pizza? Come on now.If you and your son are doing the grocery shopping, I'd suggest you just stop buying pizza. Maybe order it in for them on the odd night that you're not home for supper. It's not unreasonable to ask your husband to avoid that one item anymore than you'd ask him not to smoke around you or something.
This part of your post I'm on board with.As far as working out goes, in addition to going to the gym on the weekends, I'd suggest including your son in working out at home. My kids love doing planks and squats with me and we often find something on Youtube to move around to. I think it sets a great example for them and they talk about being fit and strong like Mom
Getting the kids involved is a great way to get some exercise in for all of you. Even if it's something informal like just dancing to a video.
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competecompetecompete wrote: »I'm divorced but if my ex asked me not to make pizza at 9pm in order to help her through something I would not make pizza at 9pm to help her through something. For fux sake
Lots of people aren't that naturally considerate, though. The point is that your ex wouldn't have had the right to demand you not to make the pizza.
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Go to bed at 9 if you can't handle the pizza. Or have sex with him so he has something to do other than eat pizza.
I lost over 50 lbs while my husband ate pizza, donuts, etc. every night. I was a serious hide in the kitchen and chug cans of sweetened condensed milk binge eater. You need to get a grip on your own behaviors and realize that others are not bound to change theirs. He is doing nothing wrong.6 -
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Thank you for the responses. I like the idea of incorporating my child into a little light work-out. I do agree that weight loss happens in the kitchen. I try to include my son in healthy meal prep together, which we both enjoy.
As for the husband part, I am reading that most of you believe it is I who is being inconsiderate. Thanks for that feedback, I will take it into consideration.1 -
knowing me i would break the fast as soon as the pizza is cooked
some how you have to deal with it. Sometimes i will join in with my other half and other times i dont
dont upset yourself you just have to realise you are on this journey alone.
good luck0 -
competecompetecompete wrote: »So those who think it's too much to ask for her hubby not to make pizza at 9pm...do you ever pick up something that dropped for someone else? Ever hold a door someone else? How bout let someone out in traffic when you might be in a rush yourself? How bout hold in a fart as you sit next to someone?
No? Oh.
Successful weight loss involves learning to live normally while keeping your eating in check. You only gain the skills to do that through practice and practice starts at home. You can't learn to swim if you never get in the water.6 -
I am gonna suggest, on the time vs exercise front, to get up early or workout after your LO goes to bed. It's true that diet is the biggest factor in weight loss, but if a regular exercise routine helped in the past, start again. It's hard at first to get into it, but soon you will adjust. If you want it, you will make time for it.0
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competecompetecompete wrote: »So those who think it's too much to ask for her hubby not to make pizza at 9pm...do you ever pick up something that dropped for someone else? Ever hold a door someone else? How bout let someone out in traffic when you might be in a rush yourself? How bout hold in a fart as you sit next to someone?
No? Oh.
Let's say the husband doesn't ever eat a pizza at home, completely changes what he chooses to eat because the OP decided to fast.
What happens when the OP goes to a meal out, family occasion, work party, BBQ etc?
You have to learn to control you as you can not control other people.4 -
tealtortoise wrote: »Thank you for the responses. I like the idea of incorporating my child into a little light work-out. I do agree that weight loss happens in the kitchen. I try to include my son in healthy meal prep together, which we both enjoy.
As for the husband part, I am reading that most of you believe it is I who is being inconsiderate. Thanks for that feedback, I will take it into consideration.
I think there are threads for mums with toddlers. I'll see if I can link a few for you.0 -
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Look into the book "Crucial Conversations" and learn how to relay this information to him in a way that works.
I'm also siding with the "He's not on a diet so let him have his pizza" crew.1 -
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http://community.myfitnesspal.com/en/group/972-mom-on-a-mission
Here is a mothers group for you OP. Hopefully they can give you ideas for exercise with your little one.
Good luck0 -
competecompetecompete wrote: »competecompetecompete wrote: »So those who think it's too much to ask for her hubby not to make pizza at 9pm...do you ever pick up something that dropped for someone else? Ever hold a door someone else? How bout let someone out in traffic when you might be in a rush yourself? How bout hold in a fart as you sit next to someone?
No? Oh.
Successful weight loss involves learning to live normally while keeping your eating in check. You only gain the skills to do that through practice and practice starts at home. You can't learn to swim if you never get in the water.
She's in the water
Your analogy would be to jump in the deep end and either sink or swim. Her hubby watching her drown but sit back and eat his pizza on deck
BS, she's in the water. How is she going to handle socializing with friends? Family picnics? Work dinners? That's the deep end, not refraining from eating pizza because her husband is. Those are the situations where people will be pushing about her trying food or where she'll feel obligated to try a bite so as not to offend. Her husband is passively eating a pizza in his own home. She can go to another room. She can take a walk. She can go to bed. There are dozens of things she can do besides eat with him and she needs to figure out how to do one or more for the next 50+ years.6 -
Yes, we all wish all the stars would line up perfectly for us, and everyone who deals with us to be perfectly fine tuned to fit our personality and desires. That's not how life works, though. We could sit here shifting the blame from one side to another, but in the end it wouldn't matter. The only thing you can control is how you react to situations.
I would not expect anything from the husband. It's nice to have support, but it's something given not demanded or taken for granted. Food, in particular, can get very personal for some reason and asking someone to change their eating habits for you may not end well.
Here is what you CAN do, though. Sit down and have a direct but calm talk with him. Explain everything. Not just random backhanded remarks whenever he does something "not right", but a real talk. It would be nice to learn his side of the issue.
IF after the talk nothing changes, then you will need to learn to handle it on your own. You don't need to leave the house to work out. Toddlers can be a workout just being themselves. Play hide and seek, run around the house, use him as a "weight". Toddlers are active by nature so the possibilities are endless, but if your's is not, sit him down with his toys where you can keep an eye on him and do some youtube videos.
As for fasting, have you considered a different way that may work without being overly affected by your husband's habits? If you do well on fasting, you might want to consider daily "eating window" kind of fast, limiting your intake to 1-2 meals. You may be able to join him for pizza, or at least not be as phased by it when you are already full, keeping your fasting window during less challenging hours.0 -
Why does it have to be one extreme or the other for the pizza issue? Why can't they talk and compromise. It seems it's being taken as though he is making pizza or something similar every night at 9pm. So OP, why not compromise? Perhaps DH could do this on weekend nights when he is enjoying his weekend, and lay off during the week to help support?
Also on your end, up the exercise and save calories for the weekend and perhaps enjoy this treat and indulge with him while keeping with in that calorie allotment?
I'm not saying this is the answer, but perhaps just another way to try and work as one in your marriage0 -
I fall somewhere in the middle of most of these responses. Having lived too long with a spouse who could never take my wants and needs into consideration in any reasonable way, I feel your pain. BUT, ultimately, it is your diet, not his. Asking him to make some specific compromises that meet your needs as well as his is entirely reasonable (turn on the kitchen exhaust fan while cooking the pizza?). Expecting him to eliminate foods he loves from his diet because they tempt you is too much.
Assuming you have communicated appropriately, his unwillingness to help on weekends is a red flag. That is something worth addressing independent of the food issue.
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