What happened to that girl that people would say “I want to be you, you’ve got it all together”?

This is my fat picture with no make-up, with my friend who recently lost over 150 lb. It used to be the other way around, I was 150 lb. smaller and she was the big one. I have lost over 100 lb. twice, but this time seems much harder. (sorry picture won't load)

I was looking for a support group online last night and couldn’t find anything that wasn’t a platform to sell stuff or just has basic weight loss information on it. I don’t want to buy anything, and I know how to lose weight, I just need support right now. I have a degree in nutrition and multiple food allergies. I don’t feel like I can easily talk to my friend about things, there are just some things I don’t want to share with her. And I am embarrassed.

I need to be able to vent sometimes. I need someone to say I am with you on that or you are doing good, keep it up. I have lots of stress in my life and my weight is contributing to it, I need to stay focused on me and not everyone else coming before me.

I have several medical issues that I think are the difference in losing weight now. But probably if I lose weight those might get better. I have fibromyalgia, adrenal fatigue, hypo-thyroid, food allergies, depression, plantar fasciitis, degenerative scoliosis, and osteopenia/osteoporosis, and have had several broken bones. I currently have a broken wrist. The adrenal fatigue and fibromyalgia both suck the energy out of me! I used to do yoga until I developed plantar fasciitis and it was too painful to do. My food allergies make it hard for me to just grab a salad anywhere, most of them have preservatives on them.

Damn it, I love going to the gym! I like the feeling when I am eating well and exercising, but at this weight and all of the issues I have its hard to get started. Life is difficult enough! My husband has cancer and doesn’t usually clean house. I’m tired of living this way! I don’t have energy to clean house when I get home from work and I have to prepare food. Not to mention grocery shopping. The only way I can do this is to go directly to the gym after work.

I am tired of the way I look and the way I feel. I am disgusted by the rolls on my back and how I am physically not able to do things because of how big I am. I hate that I have hit 300 lb. I want to have more energy and feel like I can do anything I want to do. I want a clean house and to have the desire to cook and prepare food that is good for me. I don’t want to be tired all of the time.

I feel so old! I am not that old. I fear getting even older with all of my problems. I am often in pain and can’t focus on things. I know I need to meditate but with all of the other things going on in my life I have a hard time finding the time. I even put a reminder on my phone in the morning and the evening, but in the morning I want extra sleep and in the evening there is always something else to do. I even don’t want to take a shower because I don’t have time, but I do. Then I usually get less sleep. It is especially hard with the broken wrist.

I got a new job that is less stressful, which has helped but I am still depressed. I know that depression will lift once I can get my life back to a point where I have a clean house, I am exercising, I am losing weight, I am not so tired all of the time, and when I have the desire to do things. I feel bad that I think the only way that will happen is when my husband dies.

When I look at myself in the mirror or see a picture I can’t believe that is me. I see myself as a lot cuter, thinner and younger looking. What happened to that girl that people would say “I want to be you, you’ve got it all together”?