WOMEN AGES 50+ FOR APRIL 2017

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  • KetoneKaren
    KetoneKaren Posts: 6,411 Member
    edited April 2017
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    lhannon062709 wrote: »
    Got some bad news last night - our son has been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, and has been cutting. Don't know for how long--he's not terribly forthcoming. We talked to him at length last night (he's in Montana) and he told me about the cutting, but didn't speak of it to his dad.

    All I can do is hope for the best and be at the other end of the phone.

    Feeling helpless,
    Lisa in West Texas

    Lisa So sorry for you to find this out, it is a difficult diagnosis. One of our adult children has this personality disorder. The main thing for you to always remember is this: He is hardwired this way. Personality disorders are something that people learn to manage (if they are motivated), but the disorder does not go away, although it tends to "burn out" in later years. Our adult child who has this disorder has promised to come to birthdays, holidays, and other important occasions and just not shown up, or called numerous times to say she would be late, and then never arrive. We have waited Thanksgiving meals and Christmas gift openings for her only to have her not show up. She can be very loving and then turn around and figuratively slap us in the face. She is angry if we don't give her money when she asks for it. She blames others for her own shortcomings and unwise decisions, and punishes others for her own transgressions. She might not speak to a famiy member for a year or longer, then she will pick another family member to be estranged from for months and months while she makes up with the first family member. On the other hand, she can be very loving, thoughtful, and giving. She is intelligent and creative and talented. Fortunately, she has never cut herself, which is an attention getting behavior that can be dangerous. You just don't ever know who you are going to be dealing with. The main thing to remember is this: This is not your fault. He was born this way. He is hardwired this way. You did nothing to make him have this personality disorder. All you can do is love him but refuse to be manipulated by him. The cutting behavior is very difficult because it can be dangerous if the cutter doesn't know enough about human anatomy. He needs to seek help (I assume he has done this if you have a diagnosis). Ultimately, although therapy can help, he is the only one who can decide to stop the self-destructive attention-getting behavior. A counselor can help, but Borderlines manipulate counselors all of the time with their charming ways, so the counselor has to be savvy. I hope this helps, and does not make you feel even worse than you already do. The fact that he told you about the cutting behavior, but not his dad, is very typical of Borderlines. They are always doing things that cause discord or set up an awkward dynamic between two people or themselves and another person. <3

    Karen in Virginia
  • lhannon062709
    lhannon062709 Posts: 1,140 Member
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    Lenora - thank you for the kind words. BPD is borderline personality disorder. Most often afflicts young adult women, but also some young adult men. Cutting is very much a symptom of BPD.

    Penny, my dear, it's good to see you back.

    I am trying not to mire myself into our son's mental issues. It is hard not to dwell on it--but I do know he's getting the help he needs, and am trying not to beat my head against something I can't control or affect, except to be here for him. Trying to get his dad through his own struggle with eight more weeks of being off work, and physical therapy twice a week, with a 90-mile drive each way, is right at the top of what I can deal with right now.

    On the bright side, I woke up this morning and it was raining! Rain in the desert is such an amazing thing, and it has been an exceptionally dry spring here. Unfortunately, desert plants being the opportunistic little buggers they are, they are going to burst into pollinating immediately, and my allergies are already completely fired up from the dust that was so prevalent in the last week or two. We caught the high winds here, with up to a hundred miles an hour straight-line winds, and it left a layer of dirt and dust on everything.

    And, of course, I washed my truck yesterday. :smiley: Would have washed it sooner if I'd known it would get us some rain! :)

    My calorie count is showing the stress. But, as the old saying goes, "How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time." Trying just to take it piece by piece, change the things I can, and try to accept those I cannot.

    Love y'all,
    Lisa in West Texas
  • Sharon009
    Sharon009 Posts: 327 Member
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    My goal for March was to get back on track with healthy food choices and I successfully succeeded in the last week of the month.
  • margaretturk
    margaretturk Posts: 5,051 Member
    edited April 2017
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    Sharon love the laugh everyday!

    Lisa from my understanding cutting is not to gain attention. For some odd reason cutting relieves an emotional pain. The pain is a distraction and gives temporary relief. The fact he hid it for so long indicates to me he is ashamed he does it. Admitting and starting to address; it is the first step. It is never easy to stand on the sidelines when your child is in pain. It is a problem you cannot fix. He with help is the one who needs to learn to heal his pain. Writing this has helped me. I have a son who is struggling and I keep asking him what is he doing differently this time. I think the next time I will phrase what is now helping you to heal.

    Knee does feel better today. I did stay off it for a couple of days and tried to keep things low key. I have an appointment with Physical Therapist tomorrow.

    :heart: Margaret
  • KJLaMore
    KJLaMore Posts: 2,829 Member
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    PS...don't look at my meals for yesterday. Pretty atrocious "road trip food". :(
  • csofled
    csofled Posts: 3,022 Member
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    :)<3:)
  • GRITSandSLUTSandWINOS
    GRITSandSLUTSandWINOS Posts: 2,573 Member
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    Michele – I have a former HS classmate of mine whose son married a woman who allowed her mother to rule her life; and, she did. So much that she filed for a divorce once they had a baby. She now lives with her mother and he is fighting for custody, or at least, to get visitation that he was granted – exercised. Right now, he has 'supervised' visitation. Why, I don't know other than the attorney she had was a 'wolf'. The only time they see their grandson is to go up on the weekends that she allows him to take him home; or whenever they had a ‘court day’. You can’t have a ‘healthy’ marriage with 3 in the bed (and I am not talking about the grandson). Been that way since before they married. Only worse since they got a divorce.

    Geez, I think I would wear a dress that I picked out for the wedding; although I did send my soon-to-be DnL#2 pictures of both. One was a turquoise dress with an overlay of lace; the other was a cantaloupe suit. She liked the blue one best. I’m glad because it was at least $75 less expensive. I wore it once, to their wedding; then, started losing weight and my tailor said there was really no way for it to be altered successful; and, I could buy a ‘new’ dress for what he would have to charge to do it.

    I planned on working outside today; but, I am so sore I can hardly move. I have no idea what I did yesterday but this AM I woke up to back pain.

    I love frozen green grapes. This is something I never knew that my DYS told me when he was working as the produce manager at Harvey’s when still in HS. The ones that are oblong are sweeter than the ones that are round. That’s true!

    I can hardly wait until son opens the pool. Another 1 ½ months from now.

    Charlotte from Albany, Western Australia – I, too, have epilepsy. Before, I would say I had a ‘seizure disorder’ … this last time I went to the Neurologist I actually asked about the seizures (which are more or less controlled by seizure meds) and he told me ‘yes, you have epilepsy’. That was a bit scary for me, too.

    Lisa – Now I know what you meant by BPD (borderline personality disorder), not Bipolar Disorder. I don’t know anything about BPD. I sometimes have said that I thought my DDnL#1 is ‘bipolar’; but, now I think she could possibly also suffer from BPD. Her moods swing for no apparent reasons; and I mean widely within a second or so. Never know if anything I say is going to 'set her off on a tear'. I just wish that we did not have to be the ones she shows it to, or not even to our DOS. He is just not willing to ‘take the bull by the horn’ because he doesn’t want to ‘upset her’. I’m hoping now that they were ‘pushed over the edge’ by her choices (without ever talking them over with DOS) will make it so that he is ‘now in charge’ of the ‘money spending’. They had to go for ‘pre-filing’ counseling (before filing for bankruptcy (something my DOS really never wanted to do); and, will have to go ‘after’ it is finished. They’ll have about another 6 weeks before they have to ‘turn her car back to the bank’ to try to find something she can get that is ‘safe and inexpensive’. She is always on FB; and, is always posting things that are ‘personal’ and ‘don’t belong there’. Always meddling in other's business and can't understand why they get (and sometimes stay) mad at her.

    I will always keep y’all in my prayers; I know I have had a ‘lot’ of people praying for me. I also know that a ‘psychiatrist’ will always be ‘in my life’ and I find that, now, easy to accept. At least the one I go to, although 2 hours away, is one that I absolutely ‘love’. Not a mean bone in his body. Took him all the records from my last back-to-back 5 hospitalizations in 2 ½ months. He now understands why I was willing and eager to travel 2 hours to get to ‘help’.

    KJ – I want to say that a woman I made friends with through our church and had children who were exactly the same ages mine were moved to Benton, Arkansas. But, that was 40 years ago, and, I don’t remember her name.

    Lenora
  • exermom
    exermom Posts: 6,343 Member
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    Did an hour of balance games on the Wii. The plan for tomorrow is to do a segment of a pilates DVD, hold my plank, then take the extremepump class

    April is my month to count the collection money at the church, so I'll have Vince take the cookies I made to senior bowling, change clothes after the extremepump class, then go to the church.

    I should leave here in about an hour to go to the bridal place in Charlotte and just have them take pictures of me in the two dresses. I doubt it'll take more than 15-20 minutes. It'll take me longer to drive there and home than it will to have the pictures taken. But if this helps Denise to make up her mind, so be it.

    Sharon - tell me about bridezillas. Alls I can say is "thank goodness we're in NC and don't have to deal with this on a day-to-day basis".

    NYKaren - good luck shopping. I love shopping and especially getting bargains

    Did I tell you while I was at Jess' the first night we went to this restaurant called "Barcelona". What I liked about it was that you didn't get a big portion but you were encouraged to taste everyone else at the table's. I had these mushrooms and a spinach and chickpea appetizer. I did try a bit of someone else's cheese. Most people did have something fried. If I have fried foods, my stomach just says to me "I don't think so" so I avoided the fried foods. I did have a piece of the bread dipped in olive oil. Normally, I don't eat bread.

    Lisa - washing your car/truck is ALWAYS the way to get rain. Guess I didn't wash my car enough last year so we didn't get enough rain...lol

    Lenora - if Denise and Pete ever have marital problems, I'm sure Pete would go to his mother and she would talk him out of it (a divorce). When we were up there for the bridal gown shopping, Denise told his mother that the apt above her was for rent. She knew that Pete's brother (who is another story all together) was looking for a place. Then we get a call from Denise that she is unhappy that Pete's brother is going to be living in the apt above them, she never thought his mother would co-sign for the apt. Seems that the father said to the mother "if he moves in, I'm moving out". We just told Denise "well, that's why she co-signed for the apt". Something (and I really don't know what) in the mother doesn't want to lose this husband. My thought is that she doesn't care for the good of anyone else but herself. Oh, it may seem to others that she does, but I really don't think she does. Like she didn't encourage Denise to go for a Bachelors degree that we would have paid for because that was in Denise's best interest for her future. No, it was in the mother's best interest to have Denise stay up there and be with her son.

    I do think this marriage won't be between Denise and Pete, it'll be between Denise, Pete and his mother.

    I picked out all the dresses, I wanted to be sure that I felt comfortable in them. Now I'm leaving the final decision up to Denise as to which one it'll be. There is one that I like better and I may try to "sway" her towards that one. All of them are in the same price range. She did see one online that she thought would be good for me but I told her that I'd have to try it on and see if I was comfortable in it. I do hope she doesn't think too much of that dress since the only thing I could do is buy it, have them ship it to me (if they ship) and have my dressmaker do the alterations. Same thing for Jess

    You know, I haven't bought ice cream in a long time, I depend on frozen grapes. I admit that I did get one container of the Artic Zero when we were in FL, mainly because the grapes hadn't frozen yet.

    In some ways I wish Pete would get transferred, just so that Denise and him can have their own marriage without any interference.

    Michele in NC who will be leaving to go to Charlotte soon
  • cityjaneLondon
    cityjaneLondon Posts: 12,208 Member
    edited April 2017
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    Hi all!

    Lisa - Sending my best thoughts. <3:flowerforyou: <3 As you know, my son suffers from depression and it is hard. Sometimes I feel fortunate that I don't live near him, because I would be trying to "help" and just be a nuisance. As it is our relationship was strained some years ago as he had a girlfriend whose mother was a psychologist and she told him to blame me for all his troubles!!!! :o Luckily he eventually saw through that one and our relationship is much better, though I feel he is closer to his father. It is the other way round with my younger son. How the cookie crumbles, I guess. I love my elder son very much, but he has never been an easy personality and I have to admit I prefer him in small doses when I can concentrate on being supportive and understanding. >:) I hope your son manages to make it through to the end of his service career. <3

    Michele - Unless I am putting the shiritaki noodles in soup I always dry fry them for 5 mins with seasoning. That way they become much less rubbery. :D

    I woke up this morning to find DH having a mild anxiety attack. The vertigo had sapped his confidence, though he is perfectly fine now, and had set up some anxiety reaction. (He has attacks of anxiety from time to time and has had very severe longer spells of it ) He is fine in the day and has just been out for a walk in the sunshine. He is frightened of having an attack when I am away in France. Fear of being anxious has made him anxious. ;):* He has all the resources to deal with it, so he will have to employ them. (CBT, meditation tapes, etc) Unfortunately, when he is in the grip of a bad one almost nothing works except me talking to him and sponging him with a wet flannel. I hope he can muster his resources to get over this wobble, which is only minor at the moment.
    I have been spending a few minutes researching La Rochelle - places of interest, history etc. I also managed to find a restaurant near the hotel which is open on Sunday night and reasonably priced and highly recommended. I have booked it! I won't be arriving at the hotel until 5.30 or later on the Sunday and don't want to be wandering around, not knowing where to go. It's a very French hotel and, as usual, it doesn't have a restaurant and charges extra for breakfast. So I am just looking forward to it now! B)

    Love you all, Heather UK xxxxxxx
  • Miz_CYW
    Miz_CYW Posts: 5 Member
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    Hello ladies! I've been looking for a group like this! So glad to have found you.

    I'm a soon-to-be 54 year old single mom of a teen living in Toronto, Ontario. I'm an operations manager at a college - very busy job where I spend too much time sitting at my desk, staring at a computer.

    My goal for April is to get serious about my workout plan (walking/strength training) and track all of my food.

    My long-term goal is to lose about 70lbs.

    You can all me glammie, which has been my on-screen name since I first discovered the internet ... :smiley:
  • fanncy0626
    fanncy0626 Posts: 7,112 Member
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    Stronglift Workout B
    Squats-1X5X 55/65/75/85, 5X5X 90
    OHP- 1X5X 45/50, 5X5X 55
    DL- 15X 95/105/115/120

    Kettlebell Swing
    GobletSquats- 3X5X35
    Russian Kettlebell Swing- 16 X7X35

    40lbs loss by May 27 Challenge
    Beautiful day today! I am taking at least 2 walks today. I will walk at least 5 miles.

    <3

    Mary from Minnesota
  • grogers511
    grogers511 Posts: 476 Member
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    Accountability Post
    Saturday's Progress (4/1)
    ✔1. Carbs 50-75g (limit 25g/meal)
    (B15, L21, D11, BBS12 = 59)
    ✔2. Fiber 30g (31g)
    ✔3. Track/complete entry daily
    ✔4. Vegetables - big salad daily
    ✔5. Exercise - log 30 Fitbit minutes, 2 miles, 5000 steps. And the elliptical 5 days a week.
    ✔6. No eating after 9pm.
    ✔7. In bed by midnight.
    ✔8. Declutter: Electronics, Craft Supplies, Pantry, ✔Fridge, Cooking and Baking, Dishes and Serving, Linen Closet, Laundry Closet, Medicine Cabinets, Personal Care.
    ✔9. Digital Detox. Track daily timeouts.

    • Declutter - I went through the fridge and freezer yesterday. Cleared out expired stuff - old salad dressings we'll never use and seafood sauces. It stays fairly organized as it's my habit to tidy it on Wednesdays when I add to our grocery list. "Like" things stored together. In the freezer - I sorted out my frozen fruit. I keep raspberries and blueberries in plastic containers in the door.

    • Exercise. I got some intentional exercise yesterday. Hope to build on this.

    • Digital Detox. Went well yesterday. I DID take my iPad with me to sleep last night. And... did not sleep well. (Duh!) DH went to bed before me and I didn't want to disturb him. But... I think if I do this tonight - I'll only allow myself to listen to an audible book.

    Rainy Sunday today. Hope to get a few more things knocked off my list. Have a great day! I'll be back later.
    -- Ginger in Texas

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  • grogers511
    grogers511 Posts: 476 Member
    edited April 2017
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    Penny, Leigh and NYKaren - thank you for your comments. I have not read Rubin's book - I downloaded the audio version just now. I HAVE read Charles Duhigg's The Power of Habit and learned much about the science behind habits from his book (I recommend) and other research. I've been a student of "habits" for a few years now. It's a powerful thing. I also use an app called Habitseed. It's a very simple app. You state your new habit. (Plant your habit seed.) Then everyday at 7pm (for 21 days) the app asks if you were successful today. If yes - your habit tree grows. If not - you get a message to TRY HARDER. There are also inspirational quotes and the ability to share/post your progress. I used this app to create a daily walking habit in 2014 and various other habits. The 21 day thing is based on the old idea that it takes 21 days to form a new habit. But... it can take longer or shorter periods depending on the habit. Going to the gym every day could take longer than 21 days. Creating a habit of eating an ounce of chocolate a day will likely take less than 21 days. ;-) Eat the chocolate as a reward for working out at the gym... that could work!

    --Ginger in Texas
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  • Katla49
    Katla49 Posts: 10,385 Member
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    Michele: I understand how you feel. My DD moved in with her MIL because she wanted to be a stay at home mom and her DH is not a good provider. She's gone back to work. Even living with DMIL, she needs an income. Her DH is at home way too much. He always makes excuses about why he can't work. He seems to have an over abundance of LZ. :grumble:

    Sharon: I hope you get back to writing. On the "I want to be out of here" urge--where would you want to be if you could choose? I like where we live and wish that my kids were closer. They don't seem to want to be here. DS is in the military and won't have a choice until he retires but I suspect he'll move close to his wife's family. :ohwell:

    Penny: It is clear that living at the Pole is not for wimps. You and your DH got the snowmobile out of the snowdrift but it was obviously a tough job. Congratulations on your success. I hope you get to go out and play. :flowerforyou:

    Leigh: Blueberries are one of nature's powerhouses. Skip the pancakes and put them on cottage cheese or yoghurt, in salads, or eat them by the handful. :smile:

    Gerda: Welcome to a great group of supportive women. :flowerforyou:

    Alison: So glad that you had a good dinner with your friend & her mom. :bigsmile:

    Lisa: (((HUGS)))


    We have a sunshiny day!!!!!! WAHOO!!!! This is the second nice day in a row after weeks of clouds and rain. I hope to enjoy it. Part of the plan is to ride Arrow. I wonder what DH would enjoy. I think I'll go and ask him.


    Katla in beautiful NW Oregon

    “Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time.” Thomas A. Edison

  • rxlyn56
    rxlyn56 Posts: 2 Member
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    Hi everyone. I'm new here. I've been on my journey for a while. Starting back this year after breaking my foot last year. Looks like you're "family" here.
  • rxlyn56
    rxlyn56 Posts: 2 Member
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    Pam from Friendswood, Texas

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