Breaking down is helping to fix me.

I am the type of person who is very black and white about things. Either I do it or I don't. Either I exercise myself to exhaustion or I don't start at all. Either I stick to my diet 100% or I completely fall off the wagon. It's just who I've always been. It's how I have always coped with the urges I have, be it to be fit, to be healthy, to be in love, to be a good student.. I either obsessed about doing well or obsessed about failing.

On December 1st, I went black and white with food and exercise. I had a goal of reaching 50 lbs by April 15th, 2017, as that was the day I would be going to Hawaii for vacation. I cut everything I possibly could while still being what I thought was healthy. I maintained a diet of 1,500 calories or less every day. I religiously logged it on MFP. I worked out at least five times a week, even when I was exhausted, and wore a calorie belt. I worked myself until sick sometimes in order to hit a calories burned goal. I weighed myself at least three times a day: morning, when I came home from work, and after my exercise.

I pushed myself every single day, and around 2.5 months in, I stopped losing weight as fast as I wanted to. I then cut carbs to <20. For the last two months I made strict dieting even more strict. I lowered my calorie count to 1,350, counted my macros, continued to lift three times a week, and do cardio for five. I started it for the quick weight loss, to be honest.

For the first month, I felt good. I had enough energy to continue exercising, albeit I could not lift as much weight. I became obsessed with the scale; time was running out before my vacation, and I still had 20 lbs to lose. I checked my weight 5-7 times a day, before and after eating, before bed and after waking up, before going in the shower and after... The stress was getting to me. I was beginning to get tired after that first month; I couldn't run fast anymore, I didn't have the will or energy to lift. I would spend hours on the computer researching how to lose weight, how to help my metabolism, I would recalculate my calorie goals once or twice a week, restricting even more and then failing when I overate. The guilt would get to me. The scale wasn't moving fast enough.

I read a lot on intermittent fasting, and decided I would give it a try. I did three 24 hour fasts, each time at least losing a 1.5lb. I read how 3 day fasts would help me lose more weight, and last Thursday, I decided to try it out. I'd been having back pain in my mid left side, and it kept coming and going for the last few weeks. 24 hours into my fast, I researched it, and I read that it could be acute pancreatitis or kidney issues.

I proceeded to freak out. I had been so good, so controlled about everything. I laid in bed for hours not being able to sleep, afraid my kidneys were shutting down, and scared myself into eating a banana in fear that low carbs were doing this to me. After eating the banana I felt unbelievable guilt, for eating carbs and in general breaking my fast, so much that I started crying.

OVER A BANANA.

The next morning I made an appointment with my doctor. I knew I was overreacting but I was spiraling. I got in the shower and was washing my hair when I noticed that my hair was falling out. Not unbelievable amounts, but more than usual. This was the final straw. I broke down in the shower, believing that my body was betraying me, that my kidney was failing, that my hair was going to all fall out. But most of all, I broke down because that morning I'd checked my weight and I was two pounds away from my goal. Two pounds. And I was more worried about not losing those two pounds than I was about my body freaking out.

This is what I'd become.

I'm a woman who's lost 48 lbs in a little over 4 months, and instead of celebrate that I cried because of two pounds.

For the last 4.5 months I've pushed myself and my body to it's limit. I thought that taking complete control over what I ate and did would give me control over food, but I've learned that food, whether I eat it or avoid it, still controls me. I am obsessed and afraid for myself. I expect more from myself, and struggle to see the positive work I've done for myself.

My breakdown made me realize that I have a completely unhealthy obsession with food. Maybe even an eating disorder. I have decided to find a therapist who works on eating disorders to gain help for my mental health and obsession with food and weight. I want to be happy. I have an unrealistic idea of who I am and am not being good to myself.

Sorry this was so long, but I'm sure there are others out there that struggle with this as well. I hope that we all find happiness, support, and love ourselves at the end of our weight loss journey.