Staying with unhealthy in-laws

imogen_scarlett · July 2011

Hello good people of MFP!

I'm going to be staying with my boyfriend's very unhealthy parents and sister next weekend. I love them dearly and they are nice people, but they are overweight and have terrible eating habits in general, no exercise, lots of alcohol and takeaways etc. They are often complaining about being overweight and frequently go on "diets" that are totally unsustainable and usually last a week.

I am very close (2 or 3lbs) to losing my 50th lb and hitting my UGW, and I don't want this weekend to sabotage my good work. I think I'll be ok in terms of breakfasts as they have oatmeal, and for the evenings we're eating in restaurants that have a calorie counted menu, but I'm stuck for what to do in terms of eating. I just hope they don't decide to get a takeaway or cook something unhealthy while I'm there. It's only for a few days, but I want to stay on track.

Also, the last time they saw me I was 12lbs heavier and they told me I was too thin so god knows what they will say now. How do you deal with other people's comments about your weight? I am a healthy weight and very fit, and certainly not unheathily skinny.

Any advice or survival tips appreciated!

bry_all01 · July 2011

would they be completely offended if you took your own snacks and food???

cvaneaton · July 2011

Be true to yourself. You have worked so hard to get where you are. if eating out you still have control on what you order and you can eat a portion and have the rest packed up. Problem solved...lunch tommorrow. :flowerforyou:

tabi26 · July 2011

Thank your lucky stars that it's only for the weekend! LOL! I was 60 days into a 90 day program and went to stay with my unhealthy in laws for 5 weeks and gained SEVENTEEN POUNDS!!! Holy cow!

My advice is to bring your own food with you. That's what I'll be doing the next time this happens. It's not worth giving up your goal to make others feel better about their eating habits.

And I've found lately that bigger people who haven't yet decided to be healthy are ALWAYS going to say things like 'Why are you on a diet/working out?" Or "Just have one. You can cheat a little."

Be true to yourself!!

SimplyDeLish · July 2011

It's tough. If telling them straight up that you've adopted a healthy lifestyle isn't an option there's a couple of things you can try. .if they serve food that's not healthy take just a bit (spread it out over as much of the plate as possible so it looks like more) and then talk alot so they don't notice you aren't eating much. Maybe you can offer to help cook so it's at least partially healthy.

Hopefully your boyfriend will support you. Comments about your weight - just tell them you are at your healthy goal weight and you are thrilled.

Good luck!

424a57 · July 2011

... How do you deal with other people's comments about your weight? I am a healthy weight and very fit, and certainly not unheathily skinny.

No one else *should* be able to change you. We allow them to side-track us from our goals. Several years ago, I weighed 215lbs and lost (over six months) down to 165lbs. I felt fit and healthy, but I listened to my close friends and family saying "You're too skinny." I quit tracking my calories and exercise and, before long, I went back to 215 -- then 220 -- then 225.

I am tracking my calories and exercise again, but yesterday one of my friends said my goal was too low and I would be "too skinny." I put my fingers in my ears and said, "La, la, la! I'm not listening to you again. I WILL get to my goal weight and I WILL NOT let you do this again."

Qarol · July 2011

You're going to have the be tough and strong, speak up if they try to persuade you to do anything you don't want to do.

You could bring your own snacks.

As for unsupportive comments you might hear, I don't tolerate that from people. Family or not. I'm a bit aggressive, I'd say. I certainly can't recommend that you behave as I would. The best behavior I could show would be to ignore them. I certainly wouldn't be the least concerned if I offended them.

yaddayaddayadda · July 2011

Be ready with a reply when the "you're too skinny" comments come. I have a sister-in-law that calls me "chicken-chested." The first two times she referred to me in that way, I was taken aback, and did not reply. I am rehersing my come-back for the next time I see her (two-weeks).

I will ask her if that was meant to be a compliment. Then I will explain to her that I am proud of my size and that I work hard to maintain a healthy weight. Finally I will help her to understand that making a comparison of a person to an animal is insulting, and I'll ask her how she would feel if I called her Hippo-Chested.

Interesting how these back-handed compliments about weight can be directed at anyone.

Don't let them take you off of your mission:-)

zonah · July 2011

I would bring your own food. Tell them you have food sensitivites and you have to be careful what you eat or you feel sick. After all that's kind of the truth isn't?

ilookthetype · July 2011

Ask if as a thanks for them letting you stay there you can cook! Or tell them you're trying to perfect a meal and want to try it out on them, if you decide this is true then it is.

marquesajen · July 2011

Bring some healthy snacks with you. I know some people might consider it rude, but I don't. This is important to you, so go for it! Just remember it's okay to say "no thank you" and to selectively eat the least unhealthy options.

If they say you're too skinny kindly smile and say "I appreciate your concern, but I'm healthier and happier than I've ever been. How's your summer been?"

Good luck!

ksmccoy · July 2011

I lived with my in laws for roughly a year and a half and I went through the same thing. I suggest kindly explaining to them that you changed your eating habits to eating healthy for weight loss. I bet that it will encourage them to be better too. It's a sticky situation but knowing myself that if I let myself slip for a whole weekend it would do some major damage to my progress.

eplusa · July 2011

if they say anything just smile and say that you're healthy and things like that, it will be a bit annoying but your lovely so im sure they wont think your being rude or anything. With food i think youll be okay if your eating dinner at the restaurant, would your boyfriend maybe ask them to get some other foods that you could have? Im sure youll be okay, try not to worry after the couple of days you can have your routine back, i know its stressful when routines are messed up!

melsinct · July 2011

I will be the lone voice saying I think it would be rude to show up at someone's house as an invited guest with your own food. It sounds like lunch is the only problem- you said oatmeal for breakfast and dinners are out at chain restaurants, right? You aren't moving in with them, it is just one weekend. Just eat small/reasonable portions if they produce some junky food for lunch. Believe me, it will not set you back.

christine24t · July 2011

I would just make sure it looks like you're eating their food, otherwise they may take it as an insult. Have a little of their main dish, and load up on the salad. I think that breakfast and lunch aren't the hard parts, it's dinner with meaty, creamy dishes.
If you can see that they're not having a veggie dish with dinner, ask your boyfriend if they would be alright with you going out and picking up a salad kit for everyone to enjoy, or ask if you could steam some brocoli with your meal. Maybe say something like, "I LOVE brocoli with my steak, it's so good" and make sure you make enough for them. If there's no fruit in the house, just go out and buy a bunch of bananas and keep them in your room or on their table, and say something like "I love peanut butter banana toast." Some people don't care about their health, and you may not be able to change them. But don't let yourself down!

SueInAz · July 2011

I will be the lone voice saying I think it would be rude to show up at someone's house as an invited guest with your own food. It sounds like lunch is the only problem- you said oatmeal for breakfast and dinners are out at chain restaurants, right? You aren't moving in with them, it is just one weekend. Just eat small/reasonable portions if they produce some junky food for lunch. Believe me, it will not set you back.

I have to agree with this one. You're making a lifestyle change and life throws little curves like this. If it's just lunch you're worried about for a few days, eat small portions and (discretely) track what you're eating. Don't whip out your phone and start tracking calories at the table or where they can see it. At most, you're going to gain a pound or two that's going to come right back off once you're at home and eating the way you want to. And if these people will eventually become family, it's a small price to pay for family harmony.

I spend weekends with my in-laws at their place in the mountains. I always end up gaining weight because my mother-in-law is always putting out food and snacks. We were there for the Fourth of July weekend. When everyone else was taking their afternoon nap (I think it's the altitude, we always end up napping there!) I went out for a 3.5 mile run instead. I ate small portions of everything that went on the table the whole weekend and didn't gain a pound over that 4 days.

shefly · July 2011

I will be the lone voice saying I think it would be rude to show up at someone's house as an invited guest with your own food. It sounds like lunch is the only problem- you said oatmeal for breakfast and dinners are out at chain restaurants, right? You aren't moving in with them, it is just one weekend. Just eat small/reasonable portions if they produce some junky food for lunch. Believe me, it will not set you back.

I agree but you could bring them a fruit basket as a thank you for being their guest.

KimmyEB · July 2011

After reading some of these posts, I'm very thankful that my soon-to-be in-laws (2 sets, since his parents are divorced)...the first set eats extremely healthy, and has actually helped me make better choices where food is concerned, and the other set are so laid back that they would in no way be offended if I brought my own snacks, nor would they comment on my eating habits.

I have, however, put up with it from friends in the past, though. Comments like "oh, it's just one!" used to get to me. I'd think "yeah, they're right, it's just one [insert junk-food snack here]" or, my favorite, "I could never eat that healthy, I love my REAL food too much" or "I have to eat food that tastes good!" Some people honestly believe that only junk food tastes good, that all healthy foods and snacks are just downright terrible, taste-wise. I've learned to stand my ground, and hold firm to how I'm living and eating.

I've come to find through past relationships that it's usually hard to confront in-laws/significant others families on ANYTHING, health issues included. My best advice is to just stay true to the path that YOU want to be on. Don't let them, or anyone else for that matter, deter you. If they were honestly worried that you're unhealthy, they would approach the subject differently, and without snarky remarks. In all honesty, it sounds like they're jealous, so they're lashing out at their living proof that what they're doing is wrong.

Let them wallow in their jealousy...you're benifiting from your hard work. When they realize their criticism isn't working, they'll (hopefully!) stop. :happy:

mericksmom · July 2011

I suggest working out more and suggest that you would like to cook them meals This way you can let them try the fab fodds you are eating and you know how much you are consuming.

CraftyGirl4 · July 2011

I would bring a few snacks that you like (just say it was for the roadtrip there or something) and possibly even suggest going grocery shopping with them when you get there. If they're extremely set in their ways about having take out or going out to eat, just remember to make good choices and eat appropriately sized portions. Take out itself is not totally bad; it's how much take out you eat.

imogen_scarlett · July 2011

Wow, so many replies! Thankyou to everyone who answered!

I'm not sure if bringing food with me is entirely polite, but I might bring a couple of little snacks to have if a situation arises where everyone has cake or chocolate (like some dried fruit, nuts etc). Best to be prepared.
I think the key is going to be portion control. They are known for serving BIG portions so I will just eat what they eat, but be very firm about having a small portion, and I'll load up on the veggies/salad so it looks like there's more on my plate.

I'm sure they will have eggs/tinned tuna so I can whip up an omelette if need be, and they should have tinned soup too, which will be sodium heavy but relatively low cal.

It's more the remarks they will make about my weight that are worrying me. I don't talk about my weight loss, I'm not one of those people that bores everyone with their dieting tales, I tend to keep it to myself really. It's not like I walk around their house saying "LOOK AT ALL THIS UNHEALTHY JUNK!" and sneering at their choices. They eat how they eat, and I eat how I eat.

My boyfriend told me last night that his Mum told him that I am NOT to lose any more weight because I was too thin the last time she saw me. I've lost 12lbs since then so that is going to be interesting when I turn up! I don't want them to be dismissive of my lifestyle because they feel guilty and insecure for their own weight problems.

But seriously, these replies have been great, and really motivating, so thankyou! I have MFP on my phone, so while I'm not going to track things around the table because that's rude, I'll do it discreetly later on.

Wish me luck!

KimmyEB · July 2011

What does she seriously think she'll accomplish by telling her son that his girlfriend isn't allowed to lose anymore weight? haha. And what does your boyfriend think of their nonsense?

When people comment on what I eat, I've learned to just say "I eat what I eat, you eat what you eat." Or something like that. It really is none of their business how you eat. I still say they're just jealous...

mpf1 · July 2011

I have a similar week coming up w inlaws, except i have 2 kids, and I think they think I starve my children because I don't eat how they do! I am already anxious for this visit. I am planning to bring some bars for breakfasts, and stop at a grocery and stock their fridge at least a little. they already think I am weird, so I am going to do my best not to defeat myself there. still intimidating even at my age!

Jenn97355 · July 2011

My boyfriend told me last night that his Mum told him that I am NOT to lose any more weight because I was too thin the last time she saw me. I've lost 12lbs since then so that is going to be interesting when I turn up! I don't want them to be dismissive of my lifestyle because they feel guilty and insecure for their own weight problems.

But seriously, these replies have been great, and really motivating, so thankyou! I have MFP on my phone, so while I'm not going to track things around the table because that's rude, I'll do it discreetly later on.

Wish me luck!

Wow...tons of responses...one of the many reasons I love MFP! I think the first thing I would like to say is Good for you for first thinking ahead, and trying to come up with a plan on what to say when you get berated...I hate being bombarded with rude comments(especially later when I realize, RATS--I should have said "that" .
I have been in your shoes before as many of us have, having the "in laws" make harsh judgements on our way of life. To my ex-mom in law, I kindly told her that to stop commenting on my eating habits, as it was very rude and un-welcome! (She continued to do it, every day when I lived with her for approx 4 mos! She would say things like "Wow, with as much as you weigh, you are going to eat THAT?" ) I was always watching what I was eating, but was treating myself 2x week with something small...One day, after I realized I sincerely had enough, I yelled ENOUGH! I do NOT tell you how to eat...and did you ever pause to think that my "treating" myself is WHY I am not bigger?. She left me alone after that

I am sorry your boyfriend's mom felt it necessary to go behind your back and talk to your bf about your weight--it really is none of her concern. Just a thought... Could you perhaps tell her your Physician/ Primary Care Dr has said you are at a healthy weight for your height??
And also, I have 7 food allergies, so I travel with food, regardless of who I am seeing... I just tell them that I am sensitive to many things(which I am), and no one minds... seems a lot of people these days have plenty of "diet" restrictions. ALso, about eating out...I think I would like that better because you could order perhaps healthier food(most people will substitute veggies for fries) AND I love the idea of eating half and putting the rest away for lunch...I do that BEFORE I eat...it keeps me from saying "Just one more bite"

Ok...one more thing, then I will stop talking...lol...I find that using a small dinner plate and filling it up makes me feel better! Just a thought :flowerforyou: Good luck to you!

KimmyEB · July 2011

My boyfriend told me last night that his Mum told him that I am NOT to lose any more weight because I was too thin the last time she saw me. I've lost 12lbs since then so that is going to be interesting when I turn up! I don't want them to be dismissive of my lifestyle because they feel guilty and insecure for their own weight problems.

But seriously, these replies have been great, and really motivating, so thankyou! I have MFP on my phone, so while I'm not going to track things around the table because that's rude, I'll do it discreetly later on.

Wish me luck!

Wow...tons of responses...one of the many reasons I love MFP! I think the first thing I would like to say is Good for you for first thinking ahead, and trying to come up with a plan on what to say when you get berated...I hate being bombarded with rude comments(especially later when I realize, RATS--I should have said "that" .
I have been in your shoes before as many of us have, having the "in laws" make harsh judgements on our way of life. To my ex-mom in law, I kindly told her that to stop commenting on my eating habits, as it was very rude and un-welcome! (She continued to do it, every day when I lived with her for approx 4 mos! She would say things like "Wow, with as much as you weigh, you are going to eat THAT?" ) I was always watching what I was eating, but was treating myself 2x week with something small...One day, after I realized I sincerely had enough, I yelled ENOUGH! I do NOT tell you how to eat...and did you ever pause to think that my "treating" myself is WHY I am not bigger?. She left me alone after that

I am sorry your boyfriend's mom felt it necessary to go behind your back and talk to your bf about your weight--it really is none of her concern. Just a thought... Could you perhaps tell her your Physician/ Primary Care Dr has said you are at a healthy weight for your height??
And also, I have 7 food allergies, so I travel with food, regardless of who I am seeing... I just tell them that I am sensitive to many things(which I am), and no one minds... seems a lot of people these days have plenty of "diet" restrictions. ALso, about eating out...I think I would like that better because you could order perhaps healthier food(most people will substitute veggies for fries) AND I love the idea of eating half and putting the rest away for lunch...I do that BEFORE I eat...it keeps me from saying "Just one more bite"

Ok...one more thing, then I will stop talking...lol...I find that using a small dinner plate and filling it up makes me feel better! Just a thought :flowerforyou: Good luck to you!

Oh wow, yeah...I didn't even think of the food allergy thing! Even if you aren't allergic, just say that certain foods really upset your stomach, so you're bringing stuff along just in case, so that it's easier for everyone.

I do that especially around the holidays, since so many desserts around that time are full of food dye...too much dye makes me really sick, so I pack simpler things for myself.

rankailie · July 2011

To some extent as well you're boyfriend needs to stand up to his mother. I don't know how the conversations he has with her goes, but he needs to step up as well. Something as simple as:

"Well its okay if you feel that way mom but she's happy and I'm happy she's happy. I don't personally feel she's to thin and I love her no matter what so I'd appreciate if you keep the food opinions to yourself and please stop disrespecting the woman I love."

He should be a bit of a foil for you when it comes to his family and support you. It doesn't mean disowning his family or being cruel to them, but it does mean standing up to them and making sure they know that he is not comfortable with them treating you that way.

gretchenzg · June 2015

I guess I'm a few years late to this party...but I have the same little anxiety attack every time I am faced with a visit to my in-laws. In fact, I skipped Easter :-/ We came up with a viable excuse, and my husband really does understand my predicament. I have now reached my goal weight, and there's no excuse not to attend a 92-year-old's birthday party. So, I'm bringing two healthy dishes to pass, and will also bring a pre-made veggie tray. I always bring my own stuff for breakfast. Yoga mat, check. We're bringing our bikes. Walking shoes. Just have to avoid the dessert offerings, which are always bountiful.

460mustang · June 2015

I wouldn't worry to much about over eating a bit for one weekend or eat small portions. Just as long as you can get back on track at home. As far as them making comments, I think a good response would be to rave about MFP, tell them how wonderful you feel losing all the weight, and how they should try it. Talk up a storm, tell them you'll help them get started. If they try to force food on you, say no, no, MFP says that's too many calories to eat and I feel so great after losing this weight that I don't want to risk putting it back on again. They'll either learn to shut up or maybe they'll give it a try. Just a few ideas.

Staying with unhealthy in-laws

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