Developed an unhealthy relationship with food

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willow8220
willow8220 Posts: 26 Member
edited April 2017 in Health and Weight Loss
Hello everyone

This is my first post here ;) I have been lurking here for a few weeks now, reading posts and getting a feel of how MFP works.

Last year in February I started my weight loss journey. Starting at 100 kgs my goal was to get to 69kgs as this was what I weighed on my wedding day 11 years ago, and I felt really good at that weight.

So I lost 32 kgs in 7 months, got down to 68kgs (2 kilos above healthy bmi). It was a very agressive weight loss. I was eating normally at the start, lower carb but fuelling my body properly. But then I quickly developed disordered views on eating-thinking if I ate less the weight would come off faster or feeling anxious about going out to a restaurant to eat dinner. I was loving going to the gym, and getting the compliments about my new shape. But my beautiful long thick hair started falling out, people started saying I looked gaunt and I know I was not eating nowhere near enough. Most days consisted of eating a couple of boiled eggs, coffee, almonds and fruit. Now you can probably guess where this is leading..

Unfortunately my body was just so starved of nutrients, and all it took was one birthday party where I gorged myself on food, that has set off this horrible binge, restrict cycle that i have currently found myself in and cant escape. I do really well for a week, eating less (too much less) and then spiral out of control eating everything in sight. It really is disgusting behaviour and I feel scared that I cant control my problem. I eat junk food in secret and feel so ashamed and then the next day I try to undo the damage by fasting (very bad I know).

Ever since then (Sept last year) ive been trying to lose the weight (about 8kgs) that i have inevitably put on through restricting badly and then binging on very bad foods. I know I have developed a very disordered thinking of food and I really want to get well and just be at peace when eating foods. I have been up and down my whole life with losing and gaining 20 to 30 kgs -and its obvious that when I lose weight, that its not in a sustainable, healthy way. So it just piles back on very fast when I resume eating normally. But in all these years ive never been in this cycle of fasting, eating very low calories and then eating massive quantities of junk food. Its even scaring me and my hair is still falling out ;(

I guess I am desperatley reaching out for help and to get some advice from others that have overcome this problem. I apologise if this is the wrong place to post this, I am just so incredibly lost here. I really want to break these bad habits, lose the weight ive gained and then maintain for life and have a relaxed attitude around food. I may have to eat more calories and accept that it may take a long time. When ive lost this weight,  I still really want to be able to eat a decent amount and not have to starve for the rest of my life. One thing I know for sure is that I dont ever want to be 100kgs again and I am glad I am trying to fix whats broken inside before I put it all on again. I worked so hard to see all that effort and determination just go down the drain.

I am female, 33 years old, 163cms or 5ft 4 and currently weigh 76kgs. I would ideally like to get to 66kgs and a healthy bmi. I am a mother to 4 children. Thanks so much for reading guys and any advice is greatly welcomed and appreciated ♡
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Replies

  • willow8220
    willow8220 Posts: 26 Member
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    Wow, thank you for responding so quickly I appreciate your kind response. I am so happy for you that you found a way out of disordered eating. I will certainly have to read up more on IIFYM for sure, it sounds interesting.

    I guess for me, I have quite an all or nothing type personality. I have never been able to just eat one small piece of chocolate, so I just cut it out of my diet completely. However I am not sure this approach is working for me anymore either, because I am binging on these "forbidden" foods so badly. And realistically? I want to be able to eat chocolate or some fries now and again. I am just so struggling trying to adopt the healthy mindset of having just one, instead of a whole packet. I envy people with so much control.
  • livingleanlivingclean
    livingleanlivingclean Posts: 11,752 Member
    edited April 2017
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    willow8220 wrote: »
    Wow, thank you for responding so quickly I appreciate your kind response. I am so happy for you that you found a way out of disordered eating. I will certainly have to read up more on IIFYM for sure, it sounds interesting.

    I guess for me, I have quite an all or nothing type personality. I have never been able to just eat one small piece of chocolate, so I just cut it out of my diet completely. However I am not sure this approach is working for me anymore either, because I am binging on these "forbidden" foods so badly. And realistically? I want to be able to eat chocolate or some fries now and again. I am just so struggling trying to adopt the healthy mindset of having just one, instead of a whole packet. I envy people with so much control.

    I used to be exactly like this. If I opened a bag of candy, I'd eat the bag. If I had a piece of chocolate I'd devour the block. I'd buy bags of stuff and eat in secret.

    I must admit, I went through a period where I banned it completely from my pantry/fridge. I never bought it - I even avoided going to that aisle at the supermarket. After a while I tested my willpower by walking up and down the aisle, picking up bags (even smelling them) and putting them back without needing to buy them.

    It wasn't until I started using IIFYM and understanding that this stuff was ok in moderation, and wouldn't make me gain 10kgs, that I became ok with it. Knowing that I can have it if I want it, as long as I make it fit my calories/macros has actually made it less desirable. I have a huge lolly/chocolate collection in my pantry... It sits there til I want a bit, which isn't really that often!
  • willow8220
    willow8220 Posts: 26 Member
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    Gosh, just reading what you wrote has been a bit of a lightbulb moment for me. You are absolutely right-yes I can have one treat and not undo months of hard work. This is how "normal" people should eat.

    It sounds so crazy, but there's an illogical fear attached to eating foods deemed bad. I have this fear that I will gain weight by having it in small quantities. Thank you again, ive found what you had to say very enlightening and its made me think hard about losing weight and keeping it off in a sustainable way. I have just been reading about IIFYM, I want to start eating in a way now that enables me to eat when I am at my goal weight and not feel so deprived. Thank you for your input!
  • willow8220
    willow8220 Posts: 26 Member
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    Thank you kindly Lillymoo. You made my day! Its my birthday today too, feeling happy, inspired and positive that I can do this. Its taken me a while to admit to myself I have a problem, I am so tired of not being able to maintain a healthy weight all my adult life. This time something has got to change! In the meantime before i see my doctor, I am going to eat more filling foods with a treat in each day and see if it curbs my urges to overeat and binge.
  • willow8220
    willow8220 Posts: 26 Member
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    amusedmonkey wrote: »
    Keep in mind that changing your thinking around food takes time and practice. Please forgive yourself if some parts don't fall in line with your plan at first. Excessive guilt and self-loathing would only fuel the cycle away from the positive changes you wish to see.

    This is sound and wise advice, thank you. I will take what you have said on board indeed. It is going to take a while to deprogramme these negative thoughts around food, I am willing and ready to put in the effort and be kinder to myself, because I want to live a good life and not be controlled by obsessive food thoughts forever.
  • Ironandwine69
    Ironandwine69 Posts: 2,432 Member
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    I think before having a healthy relationship with food, one need to have a healthy relationship with him/herself. Love yourself no matter what the scale tells you. The scale is only telling you one side of the story. You know the whole story. Be healthy because yourself deserves it.
    Good luck.
  • willow8220
    willow8220 Posts: 26 Member
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    Ironandwine69 wrote: »
    I think before having a healthy relationship with food, one need to have a healthy relationship with him/herself. Love yourself no matter what the scale tells you. The scale is only telling you one side of the story. You know the whole story. Be healthy because yourself deserves it.
    Good luck.

    So well spoken and true. I haven't had a good self esteem my whole life. I struggle with feelings of self worth, I think you are spot on. There are bigger, deep rooted issues here I need to deal with too. Thank you for bringing it to my attention, something to think about.
  • snowflake954
    snowflake954 Posts: 8,399 Member
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    Everyone has already given you such great advice, but I just wanted to wish you luck. Remember everyone has problems and there's no shame in admitting it and getting it fixed. If your doctor isn't sensitive to the issue, please see someone else. This is a real problem and you'll need help with it.
  • Mini_Medic
    Mini_Medic Posts: 343 Member
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    Great job on recognizing a problem. You can have a good relationship with food and enjoy life and eating again with a little help. I always struggled with moderation. I'm an all or nothing type. So I either all out went for only eating what I deemed healthy and low calorie to create a big deficit or I binge ate whatever I wanted and it was usually high calorie low nutrition junk food. This happened when I lost all my weight in 2012. I gained all of that back and then some because I went from crazy obsessively monitored eating to uncontrolled binging when I hit my goal and thought I was "done" so then I rewarded myself with everything I had deprived myself of. Reading your post, this sound like you may be able to identify with my struggle. Fast forward four years to now. I've lost all my weight again and even a few more pounds past my original goal. This time I am much better with moderation. Telling yourself you can never have ____ again is a bad mindset. You can still eat some of anything you want! But you have to balance it and understand that the days of three brownies, a whole pizza or a batch of cookies are over. Besides who wants that? It used to sound good but now I can be content with having a couple slices, or a few pieces. Moderation takes practice and until it becomes a well ingrained habit it's a struggle. But if you are still overly restricting, moderation will go out the window causing binging. The body will demand nutrients and those cravings and hunger singles are impossible to resist. This is why most anorexics typically end up in binge/restrict cycles or binge/purge cycles. You have to fix one end before you can tackle the other. I encourage you to seek support from your doctor and also from a ED specialist and maybe dietician. These behaviors can sometimes be curbed on their own early on but if you have realized you don't feel in control anymore then it's time to reach out for the help you deserve to get back to loving your body and yourself enough to take care of you. Everyone needs help getting through life, it's just different areas for everyone. Yours has become food. No shame in needing help. I wish you all the best and hope you can find that balance and support you deserve.
  • willow8220
    willow8220 Posts: 26 Member
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    Oh wow, the last two posters-thank you dearly. I am so close to tears reading the kind, words of wisdom you have shared. Thank you for taking the time to write to me.

    Mini medic, your post resonated with me and its all starting to make sense. And gosh, you are so right when you say "who wants that?" To be honest, when binging constantly I find that the junk food doesnt even taste that good anymore. A huge congrats on getting to your goal weight and more importantly, learning the art of moderation. I so hope to get to that point of the right balance one day.

    To all that responded, you have no idea how much your words have helped me already, I am really touched and amazed by the great advice and kindness. It is so nice to know I am not alone in this struggle xx
  • willow8220
    willow8220 Posts: 26 Member
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    crb426 wrote: »

    It's like when they climb Mount Everest. Nobody can climb straight from the bottom to the top. They would die, no question. So instead, they stop at several camps along the way to acclimate to the mountain and be able to reach the peak. You have not given your body a chance to acclimate to your lower weight. You're suffocating, so to speak. Build your camp. And several more camps along the way.

    Absolutely loved your Mt Everest analogy-just brilliant, thank you!

  • davisfanny
    davisfanny Posts: 35 Member
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    This is a great app!! I love it. You have alot of people who will support you and it's a great feeling. I wish you well on your journey and welcome!!
  • willow8220
    willow8220 Posts: 26 Member
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    Thank you davisfanny and thank you for the friend request too ;) Really loving the support and information here so much.

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