My boyfriend doesn't support my weight loss goals
Options
Replies
-
rachelagoodill wrote: »We've both put on weight in the 18 months we've been together and I'm trying to get back to what I was when we first started dating.
I love him the way he is and don't want him to change but since losing weight, I can see how unhealthy his lifestyle is and it's so difficult to stick to my diet around him. He also says I shouldn't be losing weight and life is to be enjoyed but I'm happier since I've given up junk food and started regular exercise.
I don't know what I can do.
If he's lIving an unhealthy lifestyle and sayimg now that life is to be enjoyed ask him if he thinks he will enjoy life in 20 years when he has diabetes and is on a motorized scooter with an oxygen tank at Walmart.5 -
I find men DO tend to start doing exercise if their gf or wife leads the way. I don't know why but I have seen it again and again!5
-
rachelagoodill wrote: »We've both put on weight in the 18 months we've been together and I'm trying to get back to what I was when we first started dating.
I love him the way he is and don't want him to change but since losing weight, I can see how unhealthy his lifestyle is and it's so difficult to stick to my diet around him. He also says I shouldn't be losing weight and life is to be enjoyed but I'm happier since I've given up junk food and started regular exercise.
I don't know what I can do.
If you're doing this for any other than reasons of your own, you are focusing on the wrong thing. You take care of YOUR health for YOUR reasons.
His health doesn't appear to be as much of a priority to him. Maybe he hasn't found the right "Why." Maybe he's happy with his current physicality. Maybe he doesn't think it's even possible for him. Regardless, it's for him to figure out. DON"T USE HIS RATIONALIZATION TO KEEP YOU FROM YOUR TARGETS.
Stay focused and relentless. Hopefully, he gets on board and then you both can do things together. If not, you still do you.4 -
Weight loss and health is ultimately a solo journey. You are the only one who can decide what you eat. It may be difficult to stick to your diet around him, but that's life. It's difficult to stick to your goals when you drive past 15 fast food places on the way home from work. Different people have their, "it's time for a change" moments at different times. What you can do is focus on yourself and your own goals. You can also tell him ways he can support you and ask that he does support your decision, because it's been decided.
I've gone through periods of time where I was working on losing weight and my husband wasn't. I didn't ask him to lose with me, instead I told him how he could be supportive, like by watching the little dog while I took the big dog on a bike ride, or not taking bites of my pre-portioned foods. I also asked that he try not to comment on my body in a comparative way, like, "your waist is so much smaller now!" or in a speculative way, "You keep this up you're going to be so small." I don't like either, so he focuses instead on the now.5 -
I'm honestly a little surprised that some have been so quick to suggest ditching this man. The vast majority of us are here because we have struggled/are struggling with our weight, so I'd think as a group we'd be more sympathetic to what the boyfriend might be feeling. I know I've felt the insecurity and shame that comes with being overweight, so I find it difficult to write a stranger off as a lazy slob unworthy of his girlfriend's continued affection simply because he isn't ready to make his own changes.
I know the focus is on OP here, just don't see why we can't be sympathetic to both of their issues.16 -
Christ don't listen to these knee jerk responses, you don't have to dump him unless hes being abusive about you losing weight (putting you down, constantly trying to sabotage you, getting angry that you go to the gym) he probably just thinks I love you the way you are, no need to bust a gut dieting, have pizza with me because I feel guilty (this is probably the main issue) eating it by myself. I think he just needs encouraging, if he's a good guy he'll help you out by trying not to always eat junk in front of you or maybe meet you half way by maybe only having junk at weekends whilst you're trying to be healthy.
I'd probably also concentrate my language on that you're trying to be healthy and get fitter rather than lose weight, he can't as easily say I don't want you to be healthy.
11 -
It's your goal and not his. You CANNOT change a person's mind unless THEY are willing to change it on their own with you. That said, continue. You'll see how your relationship goes from there. Some things are deal breakers in a relationship and for some, this may be it. For me, it was living the rest of my life with a person who was always messy and disorganized and that I always cleaned up after. After 3 years of it, I opted out and now have been married for 18 years to a wonderful woman who's the complete opposite.
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
6 -
The first step is to have a conversation about it. You need to tell him why this is important to you, and what he can do to support you. Give him specific actions he can take, don't be vague. If that doesn't change things you either need to accept that this is the way he will always behave in this type of situation and decide if you want to live with that or move on. My ex-husband and I had this same issue (amongst many other compatibility issues). It certainly was not the reason for our divorce, but I didn't realize how much his negative eating and health habits affected me until I met my current partner. My current partner and I have similar values in terms of weight management, relationships with food, and general health. Living with him is so much easier and much more enjoyable. We don't align on exercise habits (I exercise more than he does, he's a walker, I'm a runner) but it's not something that bothers us. It might sound petty to some, but when your talking about long term, life long relationship a partner with incompatible health habits can really take a toll on you.
In my experience, having support from your partner is a non-negotiable in healthy relationships. They don't have to do exactly what you do, or change who they are fundamentally, but they should make an effort to be supportive by minimizing behavior that undermines your progress. When they don't support you it just causes resentment, which left unresolved chips away at your relationship.1 -
My husband always makes little comments until I start noticeably losing weight. Then he subconsciously starts mimicking what I do and enjoying the food I put on the table. Unless he's doing the cooking, he's eating what's there. After that, he's fine with it.
When we go out, I eat what works for me and he chooses what he wants. I don't comment nor does he. Let him choose his own decisions on his eating habits, and make your own for your goals. If he starts making comments to you, let him, but just say, "Thanks, but I feel better doing what I'm doing and that's what matters."
*Edited for typing error4 -
If you two truly love each other, this shouldn't be much of a hurdle. Just talk about it. If he doesn't want to change, you shouldn't make him. But, make it clear that it is something you want for yourself.
Early in relationships, some couples feel that they need to do everything together. Shoot, I felt that until I was married for a while. I have found that this is not true. In fact, relationships can be healthier when each has their own hobbies and interests.
My husband is a wonderful man and I love him so much. But he has no interest in changing his lifestyle (yet!) He gets fast food whenever, he sits and plays video games whenever, and doesn't make any effort to move around unless it's to walk the dog or do work around the house. But even that, I end up doing it most of the time since I'm already up and walking around.
I was very lazy too for the first 7 years of our marriage (plus the 5 years we dated before that) and always waited to make a change until we were both ready. But then I had an epiphany. I am not the same person as my husband. I can do whatever I want to when it comes to my health and well being and I don't have to wait for him to do it with me. I am not tied to doing what he does, and I don't have to let what he does affect me in the least!
It's not easy...but for the last 5 years, I've been keeping up a relatively healthier lifestyle. I limit my gaming so I can get exercise in. I still cook the same food, but I eat less and add more veggies to my plate. When we go out to eat, I choose lower calorie options. I love baking, but I've had to limit it to special occasions. I worked on stopping my binge eating behavior and hiding food (whole other issue!)
You can only choose to change yourself. When you love someone, you love them for who they are now and always. Sometimes, you just have to be patient and let them figure things out for themselves, especially if there is going to be a future with that person. Perhaps once your boyfriend sees how much the changes you make to yourself are making you happy, he'll be interested.6 -
I'm honestly a little surprised that some have been so quick to suggest ditching this man. The vast majority of us are here because we have struggled/are struggling with our weight, so I'd think as a group we'd be more sympathetic to what the boyfriend might be feeling. I know I've felt the insecurity and shame that comes with being overweight, so I find it difficult to write a stranger off as a lazy slob unworthy of his girlfriend's continued affection simply because he isn't ready to make his own changes.
I know the focus is on OP here, just don't see why we can't be sympathetic to both of their issues.
You are totally right which is why I took a 'talk about it first, but if it doesn't change move on" approach to my response. All your points are correct and the BF might be struggling with his own issues, but even in that case he shouldn't try and drag her down with him. In my case, my ex's negative health habits were part of a larger laissez faire approach to life that made us fundamentally incompatible. It doesn't mean it's wrong to have that approach to life, it was just wrong for me. One should ALWAYS try communicating and compromising first, but also understand that if that approach doesn't work your chance of the behavior changing is slim to non-existent. In the end we all have to make our own decisions about what we can and can't live with in our relationships.5 -
crooked_left_hook wrote: »I'm honestly a little surprised that some have been so quick to suggest ditching this man. The vast majority of us are here because we have struggled/are struggling with our weight, so I'd think as a group we'd be more sympathetic to what the boyfriend might be feeling. I know I've felt the insecurity and shame that comes with being overweight, so I find it difficult to write a stranger off as a lazy slob unworthy of his girlfriend's continued affection simply because he isn't ready to make his own changes.
I know the focus is on OP here, just don't see why we can't be sympathetic to both of their issues.
You are totally right which is why I took a 'talk about it first, but if it doesn't change move on" approach to my response. All your points are correct and the BF might be struggling with his own issues, but even in that case he shouldn't try and drag her down with him. In my case, my ex's negative health habits were part of a larger laissez faire approach to life that made us fundamentally incompatible. It doesn't mean it's wrong to have that approach to life, it was just wrong for me. One should ALWAYS try communicating and compromising first, but also understand that if that approach doesn't work your chance of the behavior changing is slim to non-existent. In the end we all have to make our own decisions about what we can and can't live with in our relationships.
Exactly.
I feel like my comment did seem a bit like: if he doesn't change, ditch him, but I just meant that OP can live her life and do her journey regardless of what he's doing. She just has to make sure that she isn't letting his attitude towards it affect her. What I worry about is if he becomes resentful of her choice to go on this journey and the healthier she gets the worse his comments might become. Hopefully this won't happen but if he's already picking holes in it now, and feels that that is appropriate, I don't think it would be best for the OP to ignore the signs and end up in a very bad place further down the line.2 -
He will be huge soon. You will be fit and more attractive. You will love him, but the prospects of mates on your level will pull at you until his heart is broken.
Just move on.
1 -
crooked_left_hook wrote: »I'm honestly a little surprised that some have been so quick to suggest ditching this man. The vast majority of us are here because we have struggled/are struggling with our weight, so I'd think as a group we'd be more sympathetic to what the boyfriend might be feeling. I know I've felt the insecurity and shame that comes with being overweight, so I find it difficult to write a stranger off as a lazy slob unworthy of his girlfriend's continued affection simply because he isn't ready to make his own changes.
I know the focus is on OP here, just don't see why we can't be sympathetic to both of their issues.
You are totally right which is why I took a 'talk about it first, but if it doesn't change move on" approach to my response. All your points are correct and the BF might be struggling with his own issues, but even in that case he shouldn't try and drag her down with him. In my case, my ex's negative health habits were part of a larger laissez faire approach to life that made us fundamentally incompatible. It doesn't mean it's wrong to have that approach to life, it was just wrong for me. One should ALWAYS try communicating and compromising first, but also understand that if that approach doesn't work your chance of the behavior changing is slim to non-existent. In the end we all have to make our own decisions about what we can and can't live with in our relationships.
I absolutely agree and for what it's worth, my post wasn't in response to your comment or the one from glassofroses. I too had a similar issue with an ex, and like yours, the unhealthy dietary habits were only one piece of the incompatibility puzzle. If his unwillingness to change begins to impede her ability to succeed and/or resentment builds as a result of the changes she's making, I would absolutely suggest considering whether this relationship was right for either of them.
Early in the thread I saw a few comments that struck me as unkind considering the type of site we're on and I felt compelled to add my two cents!1 -
I've been married for more than half of my life, and I'll say this: health is a divisive topic, like religion and money and children. It's good to be on the same page for the long-run. Not a deal breaker unless you're literally opposites, but if you're arguing about this now, fast forward a dozen years. You're in the best shape of your life and he is___? You're out there coaching your kids' soccer games and he is___? You ask him to run to the store for fruit and milk and he comes back with___? And is that a big dealbreaker or just an annoyance? Not jumping on the "dump him" bandwagon, but you do need to know whether this is a minor thing or a big thing. It impacts how you raise your kids, where you go on vacations, even the friends you have.8
-
My boyfriend and I broke up last month and I'm not going to lie, that was a huge part of why I didn't want to be with him anymore. He wants to eat junk and sit around and play video games all the time while I want to eat healthy and workout/be active. There are of course, a lot of other reasons for the break up, but I do know I want to be with someone who has somewhat similar goals/lifestyle as mine.1
-
If he can't be at least kind and supportive of you he isn't worth your time. If it's on you, that you can't make the choices you want to make because you're around him then that's something you need to consider.
Otherwise I really don't mind being mindful and working on being healthy while my husband continues on his path. He's overweight but not obese, and I gently suggest we go for walks together and that's about it. I emphasize the quality time without electronics as why I want to do that together it's not about the exercise that's just a nice side effect. But he is always supportive of me cheering me on and encouraging me. A partner who can't at least be happy for you and supportive of your choices isn't a very thoughtful partner.2 -
You're conflating separate problems here.rachelagoodill wrote: »We've both put on weight in the 18 months we've been together and I'm trying to get back to what I was when we first started dating.
I love him the way he is and don't want him to change but since losing weight, I can see how unhealthy his lifestyle is and it's so difficult to stick to my diet around him.
That's not his problem, that's yours. You can't expect other people to change their lives to accommodate your current exercise and nutrition goals, beyond things like not bringing foods that you're violently allergic to into the house, or even eating them out of the house and then touching you without thorough cleaning of hands and mouth and anything else that touched the food.He also says I shouldn't be losing weight and life is to be enjoyed but I'm happier since I've given up junk food and started regular exercise.
I don't know what I can do.
This is his problem AND your problem. No one else has the right to tell you what you should and shouldn't do with your body, beyond expressing concern and making suggestions if they have sincere, hopefully fact-based reasons to think that you're jeopardizing your health.
Is this a constant barrage of unsolicited comments from him arguing against your choices about what to eat and when to exercise, or are these occasional responses from him when you say, "no, we can't eat there or anywhere else except at home ever and no, we can't watch a movie or go see friends or do anything else together any evening this week or any week because I have to go the gym"?
If it's the former, what you can do is decide whether he has other qualities that outweigh his desire to control your body (which often turns out to be a symptom of a desire to undermine your autonomy in all areas), or whether you should break up with him now.
If it's the latter, each of you will have to decide whether your partner's other sterling qualities outweigh the fact that your new devotion to nutrition and exercise don't mesh with his idea of an enjoyable life. Just because you want different things out of life doesn't mean either one of you is a bad person. But it might mean that together, you're not a good couple.
3 -
Dump him.1
-
MonkeyMel21 wrote: »jennifer_417 wrote: »You're bf's not being unsupportive, he's just being the same person he's been all along. It's not fair to expect him to change just because you are.
If he's telling her to not lose weight because he's happy with the way they are and thinks she should be too, then yes, he's being unsupportive.
Based on the length of the relationship, I also think they are probably moving out of the 'honeymoon phase' and into a the 'power struggle phase'. This is where the different partners shift away from being 100% focused on each other and start refocusing on their own interests. This is when fights and conflicts start happening because one partner pulls away a little and the other partner wants to hold on. In healthy relationships this is where learning communication and compromise happens and if you can master that skill, and learn to give each other space to explore individual interests, the couple gets through it. If your with the wrong person you either end the relationship or get stuck in this phase (which is zero fun). It sounds like the OP is trying pulling away a little to focus on her health and the BF might trying to keep that attention focused on him by not supporting her efforts. It's not the end of the world but how they handle the situation will be a predictor for how future conflicts will be handled.3
Categories
- All Categories
- 1.4M Health, Wellness and Goals
- 391.4K Introduce Yourself
- 43.5K Getting Started
- 259.7K Health and Weight Loss
- 175.6K Food and Nutrition
- 47.3K Recipes
- 232.3K Fitness and Exercise
- 389 Sleep, Mindfulness and Overall Wellness
- 6.4K Goal: Maintaining Weight
- 8.5K Goal: Gaining Weight and Body Building
- 152.7K Motivation and Support
- 7.8K Challenges
- 1.3K Debate Club
- 96.3K Chit-Chat
- 2.5K Fun and Games
- 3.2K MyFitnessPal Information
- 22 News and Announcements
- 919 Feature Suggestions and Ideas
- 2.3K MyFitnessPal Tech Support Questions